Luna stood her ground, putting her concentration into keeping her forcefield consistent and strong. These two ponies would not get the best of her today.
Doobie and Matt both fired their respective spells at Luna and completely missed. Doobie’s detonation spell struck the floor behind Matt and Matt’s combustion spell smacked Doobie in his fucking mug, setting him ablaze. Doobie ran around screaming and then Matt crashed into him at breakface speeds, sending them both flying into town looking like a stoned screaming comet.
Luna stared for a moment and then took off in the direction of the two cunts, hoping they would not do any damage until she got there and dealt with them.
She arrived in the town being unknowingly followed by spike still holding his snack and saw that Doobie and Matt had landed in the town center, specifically the well. Ponies were gathering around and talking amongst themselves about whether or not this had something to do with the hospital collapsing. Luna touched down and Ponies gasped and bowed before her. She told them all to clear the area as these two ponies, if still alive, were extremely dangerous.
“Aaargh, fuuucking Finland that hurt! Where’s dat princess moonass? I got a fuck to pick with her.” Doobie slurred as he stumbled out of the well, dragging Matt along with him.
Matt and Doobie got up and popped a few joins back into their respective sockets then saw Princess Luna.
The Princess had had enough of these two morons and shot a bolt of dark magic at the both of them. They dived out of the way and Matt, thinking slowly, grabbed a few bystanders who were too close with his magic and started throwing them at the Princess.
“What are yo- oof! Stop this at once! I said STOP!” The Princess hollered as she was pummeled with her citizens by a brain damaged unicorn. “BE STILL!” She screamed as she slammed her hoof down.
The wave of innocent ponies being thrown at her stopped for a moment and they all stared at each other.
“FUCK THE POLICE!” Doobie screamed as he jumped into the air, placed a detonation spell under his hooves and did a flying atomic elbow smash onto the Princess’s spine. She screamed and went down, her low body was, most likely, now useless.
“You buffoons! I c-can’t move my hind legs!” She shouted, trying to stand up.
“Yeah well... Um...” Doobie said before kicking her in the face and rolling back to Matt.
Matt saw Spike and had a wonderful concussion fueled idea. He grabbed Spike with his magic and with a quick spell he turned Spike into a purple and green sledgehammer.
Luna looked at Matt with dread as he advanced on her while she was weak. She needed to act now or she would have her brains all over the pavement in the next 20 seconds. She concentrated as hard as she could before firing another dark bolt from her horn. It slammed into Matt’s face and for the second time that day. He flew screaming and doing 20 backflips into the wall behind him, which then collapsed and pancaked him. Vulgar curses and screaming could be heard from under the heavy wall as Matt was not too happy about the current situation.
“N- nigger ass.” Doobie mumbled, using his magic to lift the wall off of his friend. After accidentally dropping it on Matt a few more times with his moist magic, he cast the wall aside and helped his somewhat broken stoner friend.
Matt reached into his plot device for his trusty book entitled “Mare cunt stimulation” - a book he had picked up from Twilight’s personal book collection back in the library - skipping through the sticky pages until he reached the page depicting the use of magic to induce an “explosive super-maregasm”, he began to read. Doobie had no idea what Matt had in mind; though usually, not even Matt knew what Matt had in mind. He tossed the cum soaked book aside and focused his attention on the crippled princess that lay just meters away. He approached her, slowly, with a menacing grin.
“Uhh... Matt...Don’t tell me you’re planning on-” Spike the sledgehammer mumbled before being interrupted by Matt.
.
“Back it up you custard chucking monkey muncher. I don’t want any car insurance. Leave me alone god dammit!” Matt thundered back at him. His eyes were pointing in different directions and his back leg was twitching like crazy. By the looks of it, Matt needed to be sent away for repair.
He fired up his horn as he approached Luna; deflecting any last last attacks by the wounded princess. After stumbling a few times, he knelt down by the terrified princess and took a rather large bite out of her spine. She screamed in agony and pissed a little. Horrified by the thought of fresh mare piss being wasted, Matt quickly scooped up the puddle with his magic and poured it into a discarded bottle.
“You should know better than to waste perfectly good mare juice. Silly bitch.” Matt grunted.
Luna didn’t respond, she was too busy wriggling around on the floor; screaming in agony and shit. Disgusted by not receiving an instant apology - complete with a present and a cup of tea - Matt took this act as the ultimate insult. Grabbing Spike the sledgehammer, he smacked her about a few times, yelling to Doobie “Yo Doobie, its like your childhood all over again. Am I right?”. Doobie remained silent, a single tear slid down his face and his bottom lip began to quiver.
Matt tossed Spike aside and started to throw everything that wasn’t nailed down at her. This included but was not limited to; a melon, a wheel of cheese (Which he ate afterwards), a garden gnome, Doobie, a house, himself, a family of ducks, a gorilla, a jar of mayonnaise, Twilight’s wheelchair, Twilight, and a few books. All this left the princess looking like she had just gotten into a fight with father christmas
“Nice try Mate, but you missed a spot.” Doobie said, burying his hoof into Luna’s jaw.
“Thanks mate, I know I can count on you.” Matt replied, turning and giving him a pat on the back
Luna just lay there hyperventilating and uncontrollably everythinging out of her everywhere. Matt spat out a chunk of her spine and began to talk about the disappointing taste.
“Royal my ass.” He muttered, carving up a chunk of her flesh for later, unlike somebody, he didn’t want to waste fresh food. Opening a bag he stole from a passer by that he threw at luna earlier, he filled it up with horse meat and threw it at Spike to carry. Spike was still a sledgehammer so he just sat there and did nothing. Lazy cunt. Luna spent her final moments being forced fed a wheelchair while Doobie looted unconscious ponies for their sweet, sweet spines. She couldn’t finish her steel meal though, this left Matt rather disappointed. He thought she would at the very least get past the wheels.
Spotting the unconscious Twilight laying down behind a bush, Doobie placed her back onto the now saliva covered wheelchair and started wheeling her down the street. Matt wasn’t sure what Doobie was planning on doing so he picked up his stuff, turned Spike back into a dragon, and caught up with him.
*****
Matt, Spike and Doobie now stood on the Ponyville bridge. Doobie had looted a house for their occupant’s spines and their carpet. He was now explaining his brilliant plan to the others.
“Here’s what we do. We take the twilight, we roll her up in this carpet and throw her off the bridge!” Doobie spat.
“...You genius.” Matt said.
They rolled the unconscious Twilight up in the stolen carpet and put her on the edge of the bridge, ready to push.
“Maybe we should say something. Some victory speech. She’s the last of the six, after all.” Doobie said.
“Hmm...” Matt pondered for a moment. “Come on and slam, and welcome to the jam, Come on and slam, if you wanna jam!”
Doobie shed a tear remembering the wonderful anthem. They both pushed. Welcome to the Space Jam.
At this point a random onlooker gasped in horror. Taking immediate action, Doobie bolted at the stranger, tackling them to the ground and yelling “You better shat your fackin’ mouth, you jew-biting, queefcunt.” Matt walked over and removed the stranger’s hat.
“Shhh shhh shhh.” he whispered, patting the blue stallion on the head. Gently attempting to open the pony’s mouth, he began rubbing the headwear between the stranger's lips.
Matt whispered “bon appetit.” in a french accent.
The rubbing began to intensify until Matt could clearly be seen to ram the hat down the stallion’s throat.
“EAT IT, GO ON! SWALLOW IT, FAGGOT.” Matt shouted as he force fed the unfortunate soul their own hat.
The stranger had given up struggling, Matt was clearly unstoppable. Realizing that there was only one option, he tried to swallow his hat to avoid being choked by it. Tears streamed from his eyes as he gagged and drooled out of the side of his mouth. Matt pretty much forced it down his throat, so he didn’t have to put much effort in.
The stallion struggled to his hooves before legging it across the bridge and down the street. Doobie put his arm on Matt’s shoulder and reassured him.
“Don’t worry Matt, you did the right thing.” he whispered.
“Then why did he run, Doobie?” Matt replied, having once again failed to introduce himself to a stranger.
“That cunt just needs to fuck off back to Legoland. You did a great job.” Doobie reassured him.
The guys looked out over the bridge and saw the carpet holding Twilight floating along, it looked like she was trying to struggle out of her shag prison. There was a bright purple flash and she was gone.
“...Motherfucker. Did she just teleport away?” Doobie chundered.
“Yeh. She couldn’t have gone far.” Matt said.
Matt, Doobie and Spike all turned around to see a wet carpet in front of them and a purple horse with one leg struggling to get away from them. She was gasping for breath and trying desperately to escape the evil trio as fast as her leg could drag her.
“Oi love, looks like we’ve got ourselves an easy spine ripe for the taking.” Doobie said, taking out his backbone bag. He advanced on the terrified pony but was thwarted in his attempt to steal her rich, juicy spine by a shovel hitting him in the face and sending him screaming down into the water.
“Fuck, help! I can’t swim!” Doobie squealed before he sank like a particularly ugly rock.
“Ugh. Whoever hit my pal with that there shovel will have to wait.” Matt sighed and dived into the water after Doobie.
Spike looked over as the mystery assailant showed themselves.
“R- Rarity?” He said, looking at the white pony with the severely fucked up face.
“Damn bitch, you got fucking ugly.” He yelled.
“Yes, thanks to your HORRIBLE friends! At least we all survived that ghastly hospital collapse.” Rarity said, trotting over to Twilight to help her.
“You ALL survived? Matt and Doobie aren’t going to be happy about that…” Spike said, worried what they would do when they learned they hadn’t even killed a single one of the elements of harmony that day. They thought they’d beaten the high score.
“It’ll take more than THAT to put us down, dear. Surely you knew that. I hope you’re happy with your new life, Spike. Because you’re just as monstrous as those two vile ponies down there.” Rarity said, hauling Twilight onto her back.
Spike looked back onto the riverbank under the bridge where he saw Doobie and Matt currently seeing how many spines they could fit inside a poor old mare who was screaming and crying.
Pinkie Pie arrived at the bridge and helped Rarity with Twilight, carrying her off as far away from Spike and the other guys as possible. She didn’t even say a word and completely ignored the baby dragon.
There was an explosion and Matt and Spike flew onto the bridge, they must’ve found a way to detonate the old mare.
“Oi Spike, we ‘erd talking. Who the fuck was you yakkin’ to? Did you see who hit me in the face with a shovel?” Doobie asked.
“N- nobody. They must’ve ran off.” Spike said.
The three trotted off the bridge in the opposite direction of the elements of harmony, into the part of Ponyville that hadn’t been destroyed. They could see ponies fleeing from all directions and what looked like Canterlot guards swarming in. Matt, Doobie and Spike all got ready for yet another onslaught of pitifully weak assailants. When would these ponies ever learn?