“Oh, and then Mr Lorkhan helped me to feed the baby bunnies and tuck them all in their snuggwy-wuggwy wittle beds. He was so helpful, I really don’t know what I’d have done without him.”
The Iron Warriors were many things to Twilight; cold, hard, mysterious, brutal, a little creepy. One thing they had never been, however, was easy to faze, and so it surprised her to see just how much Lorkhan could squirm in one place uncomfortably. Of course, she’d never had a real conversation with any of them - it was usually best to keep them at hooves’ length, and it wasn’t like they spoke much sense anyway – but even she could see that Fluttershy’s glowing report was disturbing him more than any of the wars he’d told them about ever had.
Not that it was affecting anyone’s judgement, though. The seven of them were cramped around a table in Sugarcube corner, and of them only Fluttershy’s expression was truly benign. Lorkhan’s, as it almost always was, remained locked behind his warped helmet, whilst Pinkie, Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity and Twilight’s own were a mix of disbelief and scornful mistrust. Pinkie had sat as far away from the alien as possible, and point blank refused to make eye contact with any of them.
“Well, that’s…wonderful darling.” Rarity said with a brittle smile, ever the diplomat. “And I suppose it was generous of the Warsmith to agree to help you.”
“Yes…” Twilight agreed, hoping to diffuse the situation slightly. “Thank you, Lorkhan.”
The Iron Warrior didn’t reply immediately, although he did turn to stare at Twilight. The corner of his helmet he’d fashioned into a skull grinned stupidly, like always.
“Kill me.” He said at last.
Any further response was forestalled by the sound of the bakery’s doors being practically ripped from their hinges, as seven huge shapes barged in. Ponies dropped their tea cups and backed away slowly, shaking, whilst Twilight and her friends drew up into a semi-circular ring. The intruders seemed not to notice.
“It’s here!” a voice Twilight recognised as Rorke snarled. His words were directed at Lorkhan, who by this point had shot to his feet like a rocket and practically bludgeoned his way through the table.
“What’s here?” he asked, and Twilight could tell he was grateful for the distraction.
“The new Space Marine codex.” The one with the huge fist, Zuko, explained. “Mordecai pre-ordered it, it got here today.” At the mention of his name Mordecai pushed his way through the throng and, with a courteous nod to Rarity, placed a book carefully on the table. Intrigued in spite of her better instincts, Twilight went in for a better look.
It was unlike any book she’d ever seen before. The pages were the size of the scrolls she wrote to Princess Celestia on, and the outer pages were bound in a much harder material than any in her library. On the cover was emblazoned, as Zuko had claimed, “Space Marines”, and at the top was the word “codex” under an eagle with “Warhammer 40’000” written underneath it. Twilight new what a codex was – in essence, a reference book – but this one didn’t look particularly scientific. The art on the cover was the most baffling thing. It was a blue, pointing figure who looked remarkably like the Iron Warriors, although with considerably less spikes and with a more, overall ‘regal’ bearing. Behind him on a banner with a…horseshoe on it? Rainbow’s perplexed expression summed up Twilight’s views on it to a tee.
“What is that?” she asked, standing on her hind hooves to get a better look.
“A poor copy-paste.” Lorkhan grunted in return, not taking his eyes off it. “Who wrote it?”
“Cruddace.” Zuko answered.
“So it’ll have one build then.” He sighed, before snatching it from the table and taking a seat. His seven brothers crowded around behind him, leaving the ponies on the periphery and utterly confused. Applejack leant in surreptitiously. “What the hay are they talkin’ about, Twah? What’re they building?” she hissed.
“I certainly hope they’re not thinking of brutalising poor dear Fluttershy’s home any further with any of this ‘Crud-dace’ substance.” Rarity added haughtily. Twilight nodded, but said nothing.
“Well, let’s have a look at the damage then.” Lorkhan said, flipping the tome open on the table before him. The others leaned in closer. For what seemed close to ten minutes, Twilight and her friends could only watch as the Iron Warriors picked their way through the book in utter silence. They did not make a sound, and barely seemed to move.
Just before Twilight was about to inquire what whether they were alright, the Warsmith exploded into action. He rose in one swift motion, the other Chaos Marines stepping back as he flipped the table over whilst one of the snaking tendrils coiled around the book and hurled it across the shop floor. Twilight and the other elements dived for cover, all except Rainbow Dash who darted out of the way and balled her hooves angrily in response.
“THIS IS HORSESHIT.”
Lorkhan’s voice had gone worryingly high as he slammed his fists back into the wall. After a moment or two he seemed to calm his breathing, and looked over at Twilight. “No offence.” He muttered, “But seriously.” He stalked his way towards them, stooping down to grasp it from the ground and held it up to Rainbow. “In fact, would you mind actually going and shitting on this for me please?” Without waiting for an answer he paced back over to his brothers and sank into the seat with folded arms and a huff. “Utter horseshit.” He repeated, mumbling it now.
“Oh come now old sport, surely it’s not that bad?” Mordecai ventured, daring to edge forward.
“Not that bad?” Lorkhan practically spluttered, fixing him with the closest he could manage to an aghast stare. “It’s downright appalling.”
“Well, you have to admit it’s better than Ward’s wank-pile.” Zuko ventured.
“Yeah, but at least Ward’s fluff was comically bad.” Lorkhan countered, wagging a finger. “This one isn’t bad, it’s just strange. Like Centurions, what the hell was going on there?”
“I assume because it’s fluffy for that Chapter to have a siege specialist unit.” Barbus put in. The other Iron Warriors seemed to twitch slightly (except Rorke, who as always twitched a lot) at the mention of this ‘Chapter’, although Twilight couldn’t fathom why part of a book would cause them such distress.
“Yes, but we didn’t get anything like that.” Lorkhan grumbled. “Except the bloody dinobots. And even so, what the hell’s going on with their models?”
“The artwork looks decent.” Zuko admitted.
“And then you realise they have three toes, the legs are longer than the body and they look like children’s toys. “ The Warsmith growled, tapping his forehead irritably. “But of course, who cares about that when they have access to one of the most retarded weapons yet innovated in the form of grav-weapons. Seriously, Marines have just managed to push themselves out of the meta, except we don’t have anything similar and thus will be slaughtered every damn time. Warp damn it, I may hate their guts but you’ve got to bad for the poor Dark Angels who didn’t get any of these toys to play with. “
By this point Twilight had begun slowly retreating towards the door, crawling along at a snail’s pace despite the alien’s seeming obliviousness. Looking over she saw Pinkie doing the same thing; the earth pony looked at her with a worried expression, and mouthed ‘meta?’ as if it were a foreign curse. Twilight grimaced but didn’t answer.
“And the fluff!” he cried, seemingly finding a second wind. “What’s going on there? Most of its just a copy-paste job but of course we get the usual flagship army stupidity, case in point being Vulkan supposedly leading the Salamanders for millennia after the Heresy.”
“Well he is a Primarch, I guess it’s possible…” Varvillon attempted.
“NO IT BLOODY WELL ISN’T. HE DIED. I SHOULD KNOW, I WAS BLOODY THERE. WHY, IS HE SOME KIND OF IMMORTAL? NO, HE’S NOT, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STUPID.” Lorkhan took a few breaths, calming slightly. “Another bit, the Iron Hands and their ‘Iron Council’. The fact that I remember it always being the ‘Great Clan Council’ notwithstanding, something called the ‘Iron Council’ should totally be our thing!”
“Why?” Zuko asked. “It’s not like we’d ever get anything done.”
“I’d say it brings me some satisfaction that the Templars got moved in to the main book.” Lorkhan went on, having righted the table and resting an elbow on it. “But I feel bad for them losing what made them unique. Although they’re now better and get access to the bullshit Chapter Tactics so why do they need my sympathy?”
“I feel obliged to mention that Chapter Tactics were present in the previous edition.” Mordecai stated calmly.
“Yes, but they were linked to a Special Character. Now they’re just handing them out willy-nilly, they don’t even need a bloody supplement! Although they would probably still be better than ours.” Lorkhan grumbled. “Seriously, Abbadon? We’re way more popular than that armless loser! Why didn’t we get a supplem-what are you doing Rorke?”
Twilight followed his eyeline. Somehow, Rorke had managed to retrieve the book from the floor and was staring at its open pages intently.
“Planning my Salamanders army.” He grunted, not looking up. It seemed to catch Lorkhan off guard.
“…why?”
“You said it yourself, it’s way better than our book, and it might help break up our gaming patterns considering every single one of us plays Iron Warriors.”
Lorkhan seemed to consider this for a moment, rubbing his metallic chin in thought. From the corner of her eye Twilight noticed one of the tentacles on his armour snaking towards Zuko and plucking what looked like a sword from his belt. Passing the blade over in his hands, he tossed it to Rorke. “Look at this for me, would you.”
Rorke twisted it from side to side, seemingly puzzled. “Look at wh-“
Twilight’s breath caught in her throat as the tentacle that had stealthily clasped onto the back of Rorke’s helmet forced his head downwards. The blade stabbed straight through the eye-lens, blood fountaining all over the table as Rorke toppled backwards and crashed into the floor. Rarity squealed, Rainbow nearly vomited, Fluttershy began to cry. None of the Iron Warriors even flinched.
“Vulkan lives my arse.” The Warsmith growled. It was scant moments before the wizard politely cleared his throat.
“Our late colleague does raise a valid point though, it must be said.” Mordecai attempted. “It seems to me that part of the reason you’re so zealously opposed to this book is…well, forgive me but, jealousy lord.”
Twilight tensed, awaiting the inevitable retribution from the Warsmith. To her surprise, his response was not violence; rather, a defeated sigh.
“Well, don’t tell me you’re not, watching the loyalists get all the cool toys whilst we’re stuck with Codex: Plagues Marines and Helldrakes.” He grumbled. “I just want to be able to compete with the units that are fluffy for my Legion to take, even if that means a half-assed Supplement, but Warp knows that won’t be for a while…” he perked up, sitting up higher in the cushioned seat. “Barbus, go and get me a datapad.” The other Iron Warrior fidgeted slightly, but complied. Whilst he was gone, Mordecai leaned in surreptitiously.
“Lorkhan, old bean, my commendations for being pro-active here, but are you really sure this is wise…” The Warsmith raised a forestalling hand.
“I said what we needed was a half-assed supplement.” He stated calmly. “And I am the master of half-assed.”
After ten minutes or so Barbus returned, carrying a strange mechanical device in his hands. Placing it on the table before Lorkhan, Twilight watched the Iron Warrior back away as the Warsmith flipped the lid open. Within was a keypad connected to a screen; using only the tips of two fingers, the Warsmith began to tap away furiously, although given his size in comparison to the machine’s the effect was almost comical.
The other Chaos Marines crowded around him, peering at the screen with a mix of eagerness and hesitation. Something primal drove Twilight on, and warily she approached the table. Rainbow wasn’t far behind her, and to her surprise Fluttershy came too. Lorkhan was working himself into a frenzy now, half-skull helmet focused intently on the screen before him.
“I never realised how hard writing a GW codex was before now.” He admitted, not looking away. “When you consider the target audience they’re going for, you have to work your way into the mind-set of a pre-pubescent twelve year old boy.”
“Yeah, that must be a real challenge for you.” Zuko said without a hint of irony. Twilight couldn’t stop herself giggling ever so slightly, but for his part Lorkhan seemed completely oblivious to the insult.
“What were the others doing whilst we were in Ultramar?” The Warsmith asked no-one in particular. “Well, it’s not like any of them are ever going to read this anyway. Hey, how many Vindicators should we have do you think?” he suddenly asked Fluttershy. Before the panicking Pegasus could reply, he waved a hand dismissively. “Ah who am I kidding, we’re Iron Warriors, we can take as many as we want.”
He worked in silence for ten minutes, pushing on with a focus that Twilight found almost admirable. The occasional worried glances shared by his brothers behind him seemed to have no effect on him, and eventually he finally stopped, leaning back as he tapped a final key triumphantly and folded his arms.
“Well, what do you think?” he asked, turning the screen to afford the other Astartes a better view. Twilight could just about catch a glance, not that it made much sense.
Lorkhan, at least seemed pleased with it. “I told you, fluffy AND effective.”
It was Zuko who broke the silence. “Your writing is appalling, the rules are something that twelve year old we were mocking could have come up with, and none of the things you’re claiming in the ‘background’ section actually happened.”
Lorkhan looked at him dejectedly, and for once it seemed to Twilight that he didn’t look like a marauding alien warlord; more like a kicked puppy.
“So…you don’t like it?”
The other Iron Warriors cast nervous glances around, mumbling quietly without ever actually answering the question. To her surprise Twilight found she pitied him ever so slightly, but she needn’t have. One of his brothers seemed to be about to speak up.
“I didn’t know your first name was Usirien.” Mordecai said.