Unable to think straight after talking to Twilight, I decided to gather myself out on the balcony from Celestia's room. The sun was almost completely out, the Eastern half of the sky shone a bright orange, while the sky to the west held a mixture of blue, stars and black. Right above me was the Twilight itself, that wonderful concoction of violet sky that streamed across between the North and South. I'd seen countless mornings like this one, yet I never had the chance to fully appreciate them, at least not in the way that I could now. The scene was enough to bring tears to my eyes. The action caused me to question why it was so. The only reason I should have watery eyes is because...
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried my best to make as little noise as I could. No matter how much time passed, I could never completely forget what I did. And like the others, I could never forgive myself. I loved them, all of them. Yet I abandoned them when they truly needed me and one of them... Shaiya... had died as a result. How she died escaped me, but she died nonetheless.
Alas, it seemed not even muffled cries went unheard. The gentle hoof step from the doorway behind me reached my ears and I knew Celestia had woken up. "You stayed?" she asked, sitting beside me, looking over the railing at her Empire.
"Twilight had questions." I replied, not bothering to hide my shame. There was a calm and slightly strangulating silence between us. Neither of us looked at each other. She looked out at Canterlot while I seemed to enjoy watching the worm I discovered dig holes in the little flower pot in front of me.
"We all used to think that a thousand years was nothing more than pocket money to us, didn't we?" she asked. I remembered when we each commented on the subject together. We had forever together, and a thousand years would not stop us from being the best of friends, a family of friends.
"Looks like we spared pain and sorrow some of our coin." I said flatly, blinking slowly.
"What are you looking for, Shiro? What drives you to try and make amends in the strangest of ways?" she asked. An odd question for me to answer.
"I'm looking for a way to join Shaiya. I want to die." I replied.
"You want to forget?" she asked. Her question confused me. I raised an ear to her and looked at her to see she was giving me a sad look as if my answer was not the one she wanted to hear.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"Do you still remember when we were young? Our little group was just getting off it's paws and hooves, and I asked you; 'What happens when we die'?" I did remember that. That day was what could have been considered the clincher in my friendship with Celestia. "And you said-."
"You forget everything." I said, both then and now...
...Three hundred-million years ago...
..."Even you?" she asked. She lowered her ears as she contemplated the idea of forgetting her friends, her life, her past, who we were.
"Yes. Even me." I replied, smiling sweetly to show her that it was alright. Sadly, it didn't obtain the reaction I wanted from her.
Celestia began to cry. "I don't want to die... I don't want to forget everything that we have!" she cried out...
...Present...
"The remains of what we had, I still hold dear to my heart. I wouldn't give that up for everything. I only remembered that conversation after I saw you in the vault." Celestia said, looking into my eyes as she spoke to me.
"I don't want to forget, either... I just want to forget the suffering we went through all those years ago, the insanity I endured for five thousand years. Seeing the ghost of someone I couldn't remember and crying myself to sleep because that ghost disappeared and I knew I was somehow responsible. I want to forget this horrible aching in my heart that I feel every second of every day. But I never ever want to forget our lives together. I'd suffer a thousand-fold to keep that in my memories." I said. Celestia smiled sweetly, the same smile I gave her all those years ago.
"I'm glad, Shiro. Maybe you do deserve to claim your old name again." she said. I smiled back at her and leaned towards her, burying my head in her side. She shifted a bit before taking me into a loving embrace. "I forgive you, Shiroyami. Memory or not, you must have had a good reason for doing what you did. You were always arrogant, slightly pompous and loved to show off, but you never did anything to bring harm to the family. I guess, even if you choked facing that thing, I can understand. All of us did in the end, we just weren't fast enough to get away." she told me. I held her closer, digging my claws into her back, but she didn't seem to mind.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I cried, squeezing my eyes shut.
"It's okay... I forgive you. You can stay with me, my best friend." she said. Those words broke me. I sucked in air and yelled into her fur, soaking it with my tears. I felt her hold on me tighten and I welcomed it like a child would welcome their parent after they found out they'd been lost over enemy territory.
Celestia had done three things for me at once. She'd helped me recover a memory I'd forgotten, she forgave me for doing something that wasn't in my nature to do, which caused her and the others to suffer greatly, and finally she told me I could stay. I could stay here with her; I had a home... I was home.