Chapter 3
“Well ain’t that a sight…”
Lister grumbled and curled even deeper into his not-so-warm blanket, trying to pretend for just a moment longer that he wasn’t sleeping on the ground, in the open, in the middle of nowhere. No luck.
He blinked. Dew seeped into his clothing as he shifted. The cold water intruding upon his warmth left Lister wide awake and very pissed off; “Why am I awake the sun isn’t even up dude get me coffee I will end you whai…”
John glanced at Lister. “You might want to wake up and see your first alien sunrise. This is already something amazing.”
“Unless it beats the Unreal Engine graphics, I don’t give a fu-whoa!” Lister found himself hauled up by the scruff of his neck, his face brought right in line with the rising sun. The glare was incredible.
Somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to hate it. He sat next to John, his eyes wide in amazement as the pair watched the sun paint the sky in rich, brilliant hues neither of them had ever chanced to witness before.
Because neither had ever bothered to wake up at sunrise before, perhaps.
For nearly ten minutes they sat taking it in, orange and scarlet tints vying for their attention across a sky, textured with scudding clouds pushed along on breezes neither here nor there. Even the brightest sky either human had ever seen could never compare to the almost luminescent grandeur of their first Equestrian sunrise.
The moment was marred slightly by a certain something else up there among the clouds. Lister noticed it first, John too busy being introspective and trying to find meaning in life to spare attention to his very first sighting of a pony.
“Hey, is that a bird or some shit?” Lister squinted at the distant winged silhouette darting amongst the strangely gathering clouds. Darting in their direction.
John finally emerged from his funk to to look up at the spiraling and physically impossible creature above their heads. “Huh...Well ain’t that something…Time to pack and GTFO, dude!” John was on his feet and running in less time than it took Lister to roll his eyes.
While the creature in the sky was still far distant, both men found shelter beneath a small stand of trees amidst the empty plains. Lister scowled at his compatriot, “So, wanna tell me why we had to run away so fast? There’s no way that thing could see us! I was gonna make coffee, maybe eat a poptart…”
John scowled right back, “Oh yeah, sure, interdimensional poptarts are a thing now. Listen, That was a pony, yeah? Two things I know from biology and experience: Things that fly have crazy-good eyesight, and horses shit a tonne. Ever had a bird shit on your car? Imagine a HORSE dropping the bomb from forty feet, and what do you get? A terrible-smelling concussion, that’s what.” He leaned out and scanned the sky, trying to find the flying horse in question.
Half a second later, the pony found him.
With an almighty crash, the thin treeline collapsed in under the weight of a tan-winged meteor. Luckily, the pony’s fall was broken by the soft landing zone of John’s neck. One very pained inarticulate and yet somehow obscene cry later, John found himself punched face-deep into the ground with a PONY on his back.
“Woah!, What in the Badlands are you?!”
Lister would have laughed harder if he’d had the air left to do so. As it was, he wheezed mirthfully, “You might get a better look if you weren’t sitting on him...?”
John though, was terrified. Not only was a large multi-limbed mammalian sitting on his head, but the second that the creature had hit him, he’d felt a jolt of electricity sharper than the time he’d tried to lick a power cable. And that had been bad. This was worse. Much worse. In a flash, he remembered Chrysalis’ warning against ponies, their magic, and their deceitful natures. And at once, being under one such pony seemed like the worst possible place to be.
“Arrgh gettitoff gettitoff HEEELP!!” John squealed manfully, scrambling out from under the confused pegasus. Said pegasus didn’t seem to mind all that much. In fact, it rather reasonably stepped off the flailing human, looking about curiously.
“Uhh...What…?”
“Could you be any more adorable!” Lister queried, raising an eyebrow. “Seriously, you look fluffy as all living fu-”
He was quite suddenly cut off by a hoof. A literal hoof in the mouth. The pegasus before him glowered up at the human, only a head taller, and quietly said, “I think you’d stop right there, partner, and start explainin’ what you two...uh, things. are doin’ in Withervale territory?”
Why does the adorable miniature flying horse have it's foot in my mouth? Lister dully thought, before spitting out the limb and fumbling for an answer, “Oh, you know...uh...seeing the sights?”
The feeblest excuse in history lit the Pegasus’ eyes up like fireflies, “Well, lookit that! Even more travellers to li’l ol’ Withervale! We rightly could use the business, been hard times lately I tell ya! Can’t say I’ve rightly seen your type ‘round here before though, Mister…?’
“Um, my name is Lister and that guy’s name,” He pointed at the trembling mess that was John, “Is Johnine Reedy...or something, I dunno. He’ll be okay. But going to wherever food is sounds good. And coffee. Don’t think you guys got Mountain Dew.”
The pegasus’ eyes got even wider. “M-Mountain D-Dew? How’d you know my name?!”
Even John stopped rocking back and forth long enough to deadpan stare at the madness that was this situation. “Seriously? You're named after soda? What the hell?”
“Soda…? No, Ah’m a frontier pony, what are ya’ll go on about?” By now, small fuses in the pony’s brain were visibly frying as he tried to figure out exactly what level of idiocy he had crashed into. To solve the crossed wires, he fell back to his most basic instinct:
“Here, have some cookies!”
Lister’s eyes unfocused for a cookie bounced off his forehead. John stared at the snack in front of him, waiting for it to turn into a giant carnivorous lizard covered in metal spikes of poisoned doom and fury. When said demon failed to climb out of the cookie, he shrugged, picked it up, and began to nibble at it. “Hot damn, chocolate chip…!”
“Heh, yeah…” Mountain Dew chuckled nervously, backing slightly away from the the two strange, hairless creatures camped in the wood. “Real Equestrian goodness, those cookies. Family-made last week.”
Both humans froze.
“This is Equestria?” Lister stuttered.
“You’re an Equestrian?” John just about growled.
“Uh,” Mountain Dew chuckled, rubbing a hoof to the back of his neck, “This ain’t Equestria proper, sure, but we like to think o’ it as a little slice o’ the Equestrian pie, and as fer me, I’da thought that would be a given. Ah’m a pony after all?”
“Equestrian equals pony, got it,” Lister nodded, “Makes sense.”
“Most bad puns do,” John muttered.
Lister unsubtly ignored his counterpart, saying rather, “So MD, gonna introduce us to the homestead?”
Mountain Dew looked a little flustered. His second thoughts were written so plainly on his face they could be read in five languages, Braille and dolphin-speak.
John meanwhile dove to intervene, right into Lister’s face, “Lister,” He whispered, hoarse, “We were told two things. Two things as certainties. One, don’t touch any blue flowers, and two, NO DEALING WITH PONIES. NONE. What the fuck dude?”
Lister raised half his cookie in response, saying, “If these were poisoned, we’re dead anyway. We need to get into the town, right? You think us two stand even the smallest chance of sneaking in? Here’s a chance to actually get it right! I mean, come on, he isn't scary. Plus, this way comes with coffee.”
Coffee. That did it. John sucked in a breath and turned back the pony still dallying between being polite and flying very far away, very fast. John duly took Mountain Dew’s misgivings into account as he quickly formulated his words, “Sorry, Mountain Dew – snrk – but understand we come from a very distant country, and we’re a little lost, in more ways than one. You could say that this is first contact?”
“Yeah,” Lister sniggered, “First contact to the back of your head.”
John ground forward, “Don’t worry about him, he’s just stupid. We aren’t threatening.”
Mountain weighed it up for a moment, looking over the two tall patchily coated and heavily armoured creatures standing before him. He shrugged, “Well, ya sure don’t look too threatenin’. Sure, c’mon down and we’ll get ya sorted. Bit o’ payment’ll get ya far in these parts.” He turned back to the plains and began pacing away.
John made to follow, only to find that he wasn’t being followed by his errant cloud of annoyance. He turned back to Lister, who was staring at his own heavy armoured coat, horror-struck.
“What, Lister?” John growled.
“...N-not...” the other man replied, “Not threatening?”
“Okay, seriously, we have bigger problems.” John turned and dragged the miserable Lister along with him, “We’re about to meet the ponies.”
*****
The pony town was very...underwhelming.
Eighteen timber houses were dotted along a main thoroughfare which led to a town hall-type building, with one springwell feeding all the houses with a fresh supply of water via a weird aqueduct thing, and also refilling the troughs outside the two saloons. The streets...street was filled with happily trotting, gaily coloured and endlessly oblivious ponies. Too many for the houses to handle, for sure. In the distance, a puff of smoke announced the reason for this; Lister spotted the train, the houses and the ponies in Stetsons, and groaned, “Great, we’re in the equine Wild West...”
John just couldn’t help but look at the troughs in the streets. “Hang on, those are water troughs, like, for cowboy’s horses. But here, the cowboys ARE the horses...Logic, I fare thee well.” A nearby pony gasped at his words, and trotted off in a huff.
Luckily, Mountain Dew was too busy flying up to ponies and shouting “Howdy” to hear them. The two humans on the edge of town were gathering quite the attention. Luckily, neither of them were embarrassing themselves too much.
“Look, ye ponies,” Lister cried, “Behold the glory of thumbs!”
Okay, so one of them was...
“Holy crap,” John looked about, “PONIES wearing SPURS. How the fuck does that make any sense?!”
...Yeah, embarrassment was part of the territory.
Mountain Dew returned just in time to stop one mare from ripping off Listers left index finger, and stop another stallion from showing John just what spurs were for. The Pegasus grabbed the Earth Pony’s raised foreleg and pulled it down, shouting in a strained voice, “Now simmer down folks, these two is just travellers here for a spot o’ trade, don’t mind ‘em none. If they’re causin’ trouble, hit them with a pastry, it distracts ‘em!”
Some ponies chuckled at that, and some went home to check their stock of pies. Either way, the crowd dispersed slowly, leaving John and Lister the centre of nothing more than awkward ogling from a few tables outside the saloons. John, though, was still spur-centric; "Pony brass knuckles? Really?"
“Sooo, uhh...” Mountain Dew started, using a well practiced ignoring technique, “Ya’ll will be wantin’ a spot ta eat and drink, I s’pose? Head on over to the saloon over there, they’ll sort ya out. So uh, I’ll be goin’ then.” And with that, he raised his wings and took off. He also made a great show of ignoring the humans’ surprised calls behind him.
“Well that’s just great!” John snarked, kicking a rock. He resettled his backpack and walked down the street, head low to avoid the glances of curious ponies on all sides. Lister waved and grinned like a madman at every pony they passed. Unsurprisingly, not a single pony followed them.
The two reached the saloon, already sore and travel-weary. A half-hour’s walk and a mild savaging by ponies had really done them in. Lister lowered his backpack with a muted sigh and looked about for a chair to rest his weary body.
There was none.
Plenty of tables.
Not a single chair.
He looked about in confusion before he spotted a lime-green pony sitting on her hindquarters on a cushion a few feet away. She returned the stare with open curiosity. Lister sighed and looked down, “Right. Ponies. Ponies don’t need chairs. Ponies don’t...”
“We have chairs.”
"What?" Lister’s head shot up. He looked at the green pony, still looking at him curiously.
“I said we do have chairs. Just, we don’t really need them out here, I guess.”
John looked up from his pack and raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. Lister blinked, looking at the pony in wonder. Or, more correctly, and the cup randomly floating next to her head.
“How is that happening?” He asked quietly.
John, too, was enchanted. Ignoring the pony’s increasingly uncomfortable demeanour, he said, “Mate, in my universe, it isn’t. But in this universe...I have no fucking clue.”
The pony finally caught on to what they were looking at. She glanced at her cup and slowly moved it about, gauging the human’s reactions. Their eyes traced its path like a dog after a bone. She giggled, a hoof to her mouth as she put the cup down, before saying, “I take it you don’t have magic where you’re from.”
“Oh, great!” John threw his hands into the air, “Reality is broken. Why? MAGIC! The answer to everything!”
“Well, no,” The green mare frowned a little, “But it sure makes holding a cup a lot easier.”
Lister thunked John a shot on the head and walked over to the pony’s table. After a bit of shuffling, he kneeled next to the table, at eye level with the mare. With only mild grumbles, John joined him. “So, uhh, hi...”
“Yeah, hi,” She smirked.
Lister continued, “Well, we’re kinda new in town, and I was wondering if – “
“Argh!” John dropped his head into the table. At the pony;s surprised squeak, he raised a hand in apology, but not his face, “Sorry, sorry, it’s just...Unicorn. No. I call bullshit.”
“What..?” The unicorn gasped
“Dude!” Lister pulled John back up, “Don’t be rude! Be polite to the lady.”
“What..?” The unicorn blushed.
“Right, terribly sorry, I’ve just had my reality torn down and beaten is all,” John waved a hand airily.
“What.” The unicorn deadpanned.
“SO!” Lister interjected, “My name is Lister, and this is John. We’ve had a rough day. Like, rougher than we ever thought possible. This is the first time we’ve ever seen ponies, you see... Well, ponies like you guys. So we’re a little surprised. Magic is...actually real. We did not know that.”
John merely took a sip from the cup and nodded.
“Okay...” The unicorn flat ignored John drinking her beverage, “Well, my name is Lyra. Nice to meet you, I guess. Just, what are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“We are many things” John smiled, “Mostly, we are lost. And hungry, and I need some coffee. We could talk over breakfast?”
“Woot for coffee!” Lister crowed.
Lyra giggled a little more, “You two are funny. I’m just waiting for my marefriend, then we can talk! I’m sure Bon Bon won’t mind.”
“Wait, Marefr-“ Lister started. Silence returned with one swift punch from John.
“Oh, there she is! Bonny! Over here!” Lyra stood up almost straight and waved a hoof animatedly in the direction of the saloon. Both Lister and John turned to the swinging door, and the cream coated earth pony walking towards them.
“Oh shit....” John breathed. Lister watched curiously as John pulled out one of the sheets of paper. “...Earth Pony, blue mane, pink streak...Dude, that’s our changeling.”
Suddenly, the situation became incredibly awkward. The mare in question walked over with a terse smile and looked the humans up and down, “Oh...hello. Who are you two?”
John sat and grinned, trying, and failing, to look easy. His mind raced a million miles an hour, trying to come up with a plan. This was their pony, but she had company? That made things a lot more complicated...
Lister's thoughts, though, were simpler. He looked behind him, down the street, to his left, at the saloon, and over Lyra’s shoulder, at the town hall. All clear. He put his plan into action:
“GRAB THEM!”
He lunged forward and crash tackled the earth pony into the ground with a cry. John and Lyra sat stunned for a moment before John shrugged and tackled the unicorn with relative levels of prejudice. Lyra screamed at a pitch that John could scarce believe, and suddenly, every eye in the town was on them. John held the struggling unicorn down while he looked the rushing townsponies, and then at Lister. “Well, what now, smartass?”
Lister, though, couldn’t stop to answer. Bon Bon was strong. Very. Strong enough stand with the heavy human bearing down on her shoulders, but not enough to buck him off herself. “Lyra, help!” She cried out, squirming under Lister’s bear hug.
John didn’t see it happening until too late. Lyra may have been pinned, but her horn has free. She levelled it at Lister chest and, with a grunt, fired a beam of light straight at his chest.
As it struck, many things happened at once. Lister flew off of Bon Bon’s back, hitting a table behind him. John scrambled to cover Lyra’s horn, but too late. Bon Bon, now freed, galloped to her friend’s side and aimed a brutal buck at John’s head. Seeing his face about to be crushed like a melon, John raised both arms to protect himself.
The blue gem Chrysalis had given him was still wrapped to his hand.
The Earth Pony’s hoof touched the gem, and a flash of light filled the entire street. Ponies stood shellshocked as all eyes were drawn to the scene at the saloon. There, where the two aliens stared dumbly at each other, and a lone unicorn mare cried out in anguish at the sight of her lover, stripped away.
There, on the ground at John’s feet, lay a changeling.
Not a soul moved.
“Okay mate,” Lister whispered, “Time to leave.”
Lister grabbed his backpack and the changeling, while John shouldered his own bag. He looked down at the catatonic Lyra, then back at Lister, who was waving him on. John bent and lifted the unicorn as well, and then, in proud human fashion, they legged it.
Behind them, in the street, dozens of ponies watched them go, but not one moved to stop them.
Mountain Dew stood, wings half spread, eyes on Lister's charge. “They’re here,” He whispered, “The changelings are ...”
John and Lister heard no further as they ran. John pointed breathlessly towards the small stand of trees they’d spent half the morning in. “Mate...cover...now...”
Lister looked at the distant treeline, then lowered his head and gritted out, “All before my morning fucking coffee...”