It was just as well, really. I’d already managed to screw up talking to Rarity three times… isn’t that all you get before you’re supposed to let somebody who knows what they’re doing take over?
I still felt like I was stuck in a cell in Tartarus, watching her mingle with the upper crust of Canterlot society, watching her flirt and chat so close, just a few steps away sometimes… and knowing the whole time that she was completely out of reach. Her boyfriend must be somewhere else tonight. Probably another Ponyville local, one who could actually string two words together without stuffing his hoof in his mouth like I always did. Couldn’t be cousin Mac, I’d have seen her at the reunion… maybe Ace though, he’d be the sort she could appreciate, or a Canterlot noble who had other plans keeping him away.
Lucky bastard, whoever he was.
I would have left the after-party already, but there were certain expectations to be met once you actually showed up. I would have to at least talk to Fancy Pants and Fleur, congratulate them on a successful Extravaganza, and….
And I’d have to speak with Rarity, if she was still clinging to him, congratulate her on the smash success of her new line, and the new cosmetics vendor she’d helped discover. I couldn’t do it, I’d just have to wait until she’d been lured off by somepony else, talk to Fancy, and get the hay out of here. Get back home, send the staff away, and get roaring –
“Ah, Hayseed my boy! There you are! I was starting to think you’d snubbed me again!” Fancy Pants, I love you like a brother.
When I kill you for doing this to me, I’ll make it quick and painless.
Rarity was looking at me, with a horrified expression that I knew was entirely deserved. I’ve spilled paint on her, spilled drinks on her, humiliated her publicly and sabotaged her reputation in Canterlot by talking to her like a kissing cousin in front of the most influential snobs Canterlot has to offer... if I were her, I’d be worried about whether or not I could find a way to set the building on fire.
All right, Hayseed, keep cool… check your accent, don’t draw attention to your teeth, remember you’re in the suit tonight….
“Fancy Pants! I’ve been looking for you!” A lie, but the expected one after needing to be called over. No harm in it. “I wanted to congratulate you; the Canterlot Fashion Extravaganza is a success again, and you have two brilliant new finds this time, instead of just the one!”
“Oh, I can’t take credit for either and you know it!” Fancy laughed. “The credit goes entirely to Miss Rarity here. Rarity, this is Hayseed Turniptruck, a good friend and founder of Hayseed Enterprises. Built it from the ground up, not that most of the ponies in this town appreciate that. I’m sure you can though; it’s a story quite like your own! Talent and hard work finally paying off.”
I literally watched the panic in Rarity’s eyes turn to an entirely different sort of horror, and I knew I was blushing. This was it. My chance, even if she was taken already… maybe I could at least get over a bad first… second… and third impression.
“Aw, shucks, Fancy, y’ain’t gotta –“ I caught myself, the words freezing in my throat as I realized that I’d just done it again. I thought I actually heard a record scratch as everypony in earshot turned to see who it was that had let the hired help in without a muzzle.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!
“Y’ain’t gotta spend all yer time rubbin’ elbows,” cousin Applejack called out, bless her, hurrying over with a tray of drinks on her back. Rarity, Fleur, and Fancy each took one of the martinis waiting for them, and she flipped the other up into the air with a buck, standing and catching it in her pastern. “This is a party, ain’t it?”
Fortunately, while she sounded nothing like me, it answered the question of where the accent had come from well enough. Best of all, she not only had Fancy’s personal cachet to prevent a faux pas from being fatal, but something only a handful of other ponies could boast. She was an Element, a national hero several times over, and had the Princess’ ear personally.
“Thank you,” I mouthed to her, putting all the Apple honesty I had in me behind the gratitude in my eyes. She winked a casual ‘don’t mention it’ back as the nobles surrounding us returned to their vapid chatting and petty scheming to ruin somepony over having the gall to show up wearing the same outfit.
“Fancy, darling, why don’t you go mingle with Rarity and her friend, and I’ll go chat with Hayseed,” Fleur offered, draining her martini. “I have a little business to discuss, you remember, that one window?” There was something about the emphasis she put on those three words that told me for sure she was sending some sort of a message to her husband. Unfortunately, while I could read Applejack like a book, I was still almost completely illiterate in Fancy-and-Fleur. The elder stallion just chuckled and winked though, leading Rarity and Applejack off to meet some other dime-a-dozen mucky-muck. Fleur stepped up to me, brushing lightly against my side.
“Buck up,” she whispered. “It’s not that bad.” She nodded her head towards the lobby discretely, and started to lead me out. Even a yokel like me could read that message.
Put the mask back on and keep it together until we can get some privacy.
“Y’s… you say you’re having some trouble with my employees?” I asked her conversationally, once I could start speaking properly again. “They’re not peeking through the windows trying to ‘case’ your home, are they? I told them to be discrete about that!” I faked a laugh, though if anypony had thought I was serious my business would crumble within a week.
“Oh, of course not,” Fleur laughed back, “heavens, if we wanted that, we’d hire Maid for a Prince!”
“Please, Fleur, I try not to speak ill of my competitors, especially not while they’re still serving time!” My laugh is honest this time, and a few ponies nearby join in at the reminder of another petty local scandal… well, petty by Canterlot standards. After all, that only involved criminals trying to steal money, not something serious, like using the dessert spoon for soup.
Soon enough, we were outside, and Fleur flagged down a carriage with a flick of her tail. We climbed inside, and I buried my head in my hooves, finally letting myself groan at nearly making a complete foal of myself in public. Again.
“Pants Palace,” she told the drays, who started to trot off steadily.
“Y’don’ need to fake all this just t’keep me out of trouble,” I tell her, finally letting my accent loose now that we’re in private. The coaches are one of my lines tonight, and my drays all know better than to talk about what they hear going on behind them, at least with anypony outside of the business. “Thank y’both fer the help, but Ah’ll be fine.”
“I’m not faking anything, dear,” Fleur chuckles, sidling up next to me and turning to nibble the tip of an ear. I stiffen slightly; if it was anypony else, these would be scandalously close quarters. But even with Fleur’s reputation for being a flirt, doing this in private wasn’t just scandalous.
It was practically adultery.
“Relax,” she whispers, guessing what I was thinking. “I’m just trying to help you calm down… besides, Fancy likes it when I flirt.”
“Maybe y’all could help me calm down from the other sthide of the sstheat?” I ask hopefully, trying not to mangle my words any worse with the lisp that always comes back when I was nervous.
“All right,” she agrees as she moves away slightly. “So, what happened back there? If you want to talk about it. You haven’t slipped like that in a long time.”
“Haven’t tried talkin’ when she was right there in front of me in a long time.” I sigh, drooping my head again at Fleur’s gasp.
“You mean Rarity is why you came to Canterlot? Why, Hayseed, why didn’t you ever say anything? I could have introduced you, Fancy could have, in private, we’d have loved to help you two along!”
“Well, first of all, Ah didn’t know you knew her until after the last time we met. Second, y’all’re forgettin’ how Ah make a foal o’ mahself in front of her every time Ah open mah fool mouth. Besides, that li’l dragon feller tells me she’s got herself a fiancé,” I have to fight to say the word properly, instead of ‘fee-ancy’ the way I want to, “back in Ponyville already.”
“Oh, my, I hope Applejack approves of him!”
Wait, what?
“Wait, you hope… why would Applejack have to….” Fleur chuckles again, leaning over to nuzzle me gently.
“Dear, I’m sorry, but while it’s true Rarity’s taken, she’s certainly not engaged. She’s been keeping her relationship with Applejack reasonably discrete, but… well, I’m sure if you hadn’t been trying to disappear into the tiles, you would have noticed that the two of them held tails while Fancy was leading them off.”
Well, that would explain why she wasn’t at the reunion too, wouldn’t it!
“I think they might have something of an understanding with that pegasus friend of theirs too,” Fleur mused. “You know, the one who performed the sonic rainboom at the wedding?”
Yes, it most certainly would! Granny Smith was a dear, but hearing that Applejack had an ‘understanding’ with a Unicorn and a Pegasus, both of them mares? That would be just a bit much for the quilting crew.
“Well, guess Ah never had a chance if’n she’s a fil-”
“I believe she prefers the term ‘open minded,’” Fleur corrected me before I could make another faux pas, this one more serious than most.
“Sorry, old habits,” I wince, chastened. ”Reckon it’s what AJ’d call her, if’n it’s any excuse. Poor one, but it’s all Ah’ve got.”
“Just be more careful,” she said gently. “Your accent may turn away the typical noble, but letting those particular roots show could upset good ponies as well. Oh, and don’t tell anypony what I’ve told you. It’s an open secret up here, but Rarity still thinks she’s fooling everypony. It’s rather charming, really, like her trying to keep quiet about coming from Ponyville at all, when she first made the scene.”
“Y’all kin blame me fer that too. The run-in with Jet and Upper?”
“Ah… yes, that was her, wasn’t it?” Fleur winced, remembering that particular episode. I’d told her the story before, but wasn’t about to share the name of the pony in question at the time.
I look out the window of the carriage as it rolls through the streets, past glorious castles and palaces, mansions and manor houses, all trying to emulate the royal palace to one degree or another, though none mimicking it too closely for propriety’s sake.
All trying to pretend to have real elegance, while not showing the world how desperately they were faking it.
“Ah hate this city,” I mutter under my breath, not really realizing that I was saying it out loud until I feel Fleur shifting her weight in the seat to look at me sharply.
“Ah do,” I insist, feeling the old bile rising up inside me again as I watch buildings racing by, not bothering to look back at her. I can see her reflection in the window, and speak to it instead. “Everythin’ around here’s rotten an’ fake. All hoity-toity ponies who hate each other’s guts an’ ain’t got the guts to admit it. Fightin’ like a bunch o’ possums in a silo, all tryin’ t’pull out the same turnip when there’s a thousand more ripe an’ waitin’ t’be picked up. Then when another possum shows up and snags one they ain’t lookin’ at, they’re on him like mud on a pig, just ‘cause he went and earned what he wanted while they was tryin’ to cheat each other out of it.” I close my eyes and press my head against the cool glass, maybe trying to convince myself that if I can’t see the city around me, can’t see how much of a mess it is, I can convince myself that it isn’t my job to try and clean it up.
“Made me jes like ‘em t’get away with it, too.”
Fleur reached over and put a hoof on my shoulder, pulling me back and looking me in the eyes.
“You’re not just like them, Hayseed. You’re a good pony. That’s why Fancy likes you, why he likes Rarity. And you’ve proven you can stay a good pony. That’s not easy to do,” she smiles at me, and I can’t stand to keep looking her in those beautiful amethyst eyes.
“How Fancy manages it, Ah don’t know,” I admit, looking down. “He’s in the thick of it even more than Ah am, and he’s one of the best stallions Ah know.”
“Oh, he knows how to be naughty from time to time,” Fleur giggles. “Very naughty, after I married him,” she grinned, flicking her tail against my side.
I froze, the little warning signs that had all been there coming together at once. She wasn’t just flirting with me, and she wasn’t just being overly friendly.
“Fleur,” I said, choosing my words very carefully as I pushed her back discretely. “Ah hope Ah’m just takin’ all this the wrong way, and y’all’re just tryin’ t’make me feel better, but… Fancy’s mah best friend, an’ Ah don’t want anypony t’think the wrong things. Least of all me.”
I expected her to be mad at me… maybe embarrassed that I was calling her out. I didn’t expect her to laugh and lean in, kissing my nose playfully.
“Oh, Hayseed,” she grinned. “You are thinking the wrong things, but the wrong ones! If I was trying to cheat on Fancy, would I really have told him exactly where I was taking you?”
“Are y’all tryin’ to tell me y’weren’t plannin’ on tryin’ to give me a pity lay?” I frowned, sure that I’m missing something again, but just as sure that I wasn’t wrong. This time, she had the good sense to seem a bit embarrassed, blushing beneath her pearly coat.
“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it that,” she demurred. Seeing that I wasn’t budging, she sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Yes, Hayseed, I was planning on trying to get you into bed. Not because I feel sorry for you, but because I like you, and it seems like you could use a little cheering up. However, I am not, nor will I ever, cheat on Fancy, not with anypony. He and I have an understanding of our own; we can each foal around a bit, with permission, as long as the other gets all the details afterwards. Quite frankly, we’ve found that the best aphrodisiac in Equestria is hearing about how incredibly hot an evening the other had.” She fluttered her eyelids at me, turning the charm back on as her horn glowed, and her telekinetic grip started to massage my shoulders gently.
“I’m glad you asked, though,” she admitted. “Most stallions don’t care, as long as they don’t think they’re going to get caught.”
“Ah ain’t most stallions,” I countered, groaning as an evening’s worth of tension was worked out of my body. “Fleur, lemme think, okay? Hard t’do when you’re doin’ –“ I heard one of the drays outside snicker.
“That ain’t what Ah meant, and y’all oughta be ashamed of yerselves fer eavesdroppin’!” I snapped at them.
“Sorry, Boss,” the culprit said sheepishly. “We’re almost at Fancy Pants’ place,” he offered, trying to get back into business.
“Y’all better be,” I scowled, not letting them off so easily. “If’n it wasn’t me back here, Ah’d have a hacked off client callin’ fer heads t’roll in the mornin’! An’ Ah don’t know about you, but Ah’m rather attached t’mine!”
There was a moment of silence, while I glared through the walls in the direction of the snicker, and Fleur tried not to let out one of her own.
“Yes, Boss,” came an even more subdued reply.
I shook myself out, all the good Fleur’s brief massage had done completely wrecked in a few moments. I hated the suit I was wearing, the fact that I’d just had to chew out employees in front of a friend and client, the fact that I hadn’t had to think about chewing them out first….
“Ah’m sorry ‘bout that,” I told Fleur. “Reckon that fella’s new, and ah hope he ain’t gonna correct me if’n he ain’t!” I added, raising my voice enough to be heard clearly again.
“Nosir, Boss,” the other replied smartly. I did recognize his voice; Long Haul, a seasoned vet, probably training the kid. That meant it was probably the palomino who’d been on the exhibition center’s side of the carriage who’d been snickering, since I would have recognized Haul.
“And ah’m sorry y’had to see me like that,” I continued, turning back to Fleur. “This is what Ah meant about this damned city though.”
She did laugh then, shaking her head and leaning over to hug me tightly.
“Hayseed, most of the other stallions in this town would have fired them on the spot, and you know it, just to feel better about themselves.”
“Shucks, Ah ain’t that far gone. Reckon they’ve each got foals t’feed or rent t’pay, an’ it did sound like more than a back rub was goin’ on back here fer a moment.”
“I could still arrange that, if you’d like,” she winked at me. “Come to bed with me tonight, Hayseed. Remind me what it’s like to be with a real stallion, not some Canterlot snob who’s convinced he’s Celestia’s gift to mares. No strings attached, Fancy won’t be upset, and frankly, he’ll probably be disappointed if I don’t have a suitably salacious story for him when he finally gets away from those leeches.”
No strings attached, huh? Two friends, a roll in the hay, a hearty hoofshake afterwards, and that was it. Could it really be that simple?
Did I want it to be that simple? I wasn’t a saint; I’ve had my share of one-night stands. Maybe a smaller share than most ponies, but that had started to change since I’d started the company.
But… that was part of the problem, wasn’t it?
I thought for several long moments, before I felt the carriage rolling to a stop. The dray by the walk stepped around to open the door for me, and I took it from him. Judging by the way he refused to meet my eyes, my suspicions were confirmed that he was the culprit. Getting a better look at him, he was pretty new, barely more than a colt and probably on his first job. The poor palomino looked about as out of place in his suit-front as I felt in mine.
“Relax, just keep yer ears to yerself,” I reassured him with a smile, reaching up to straighten his bow tie. “An’ maybe ask about getting’ a transfer to sanitation,” I added with a wink. “Not so many chances t’catch ponies goin’ at it, but not so many chances t’get caught either.”
“Thanks, Boss,” he said, blushing as he turned to hurry back up in front of the carriage. I held the door open for Fleur, smiling at her as she stepped out gracefully.
“Well?” She asked me, gesturing towards the palatial home she shared with Fancy Pants with her horn.
“It’s a temptin’ offer, Fleur,” I admitted, releasing the door and stepping closer to give her a friendly hug. “But Ah’ve gotta admit… Ah’m kinda lookin’ fer strings. Rarity might not be on the market anymore, but that don’t mean Ah should stop shoppin’. Just a pity all the perfect mares Ah know are taken,” I smiled, nuzzling her gently.
“Fancy’s a very, very lucky stallion,” I finished, stepping back and climbing back into the carriage.
Fleur smiled fondly at me as she shook her head, waving me goodbye before she went on up to the house. I hoped her night was still going to work out for her.
I really did, even if it wasn’t going to be with me.
“Where to, Boss?” The young palomino called back to me.
“What’s yer name, kid?” I called back.
“Lucky Streak, sir!”
“Well, Lucky, how about you an’ Long Haul up there join me down at Joe’s for a donut an’ some coffee? Ah reckon ah’ve had enough hoity toity hors-de-vores t’fill Canterlot Castle, an’ ah’d like t’prove there ain’t no hard feelin’s.”
“Sounds good to us, Boss!” Haul laughed.
I leaned back in the carriage for the ride, undoing my suit a few buttons, finally letting myself really relax.
Fleur was one heck of a catch, right up there with Rarity. Real pity I didn’t have a chance with either of ‘em.
“Come on, Lucky,” Haul said as they trotted around the circle in front of Fancy’s place. “I’ll show you a shortcut to Joe’s. If we’re lucky, we’ll be getting there about the same time the night classes at Canterlot U let out.” A grin slowly spread across my muzzle as I leaned back into the plush seat of one of my company’s best carriages. I knew exactly what my driver was thinking, and I couldn’t blame him a bit.
Fleur and Rarity were both taken, so I was back on the market as much as they were each off of it. And Canterlot U had a lot of very pretty, very smart mares and fillies who weren’t necessarily against the idea of strings themselves.
Maybe, just maybe, I could learn not to hate this town quite so much after all.
***
Meanwhile, Fleur was walking up the stairs to her home, pouting slightly at her missed opportunity. She couldn’t fault Hayseed for his reasoning though; she even appreciated that he was honest with her about it. Honest with himself about it too. When she made it up to the master bedroom, she flopped down on it with all the grace of a beached narwhal, giggling as she thought of just how scandalized most of her so-called lady friends would be at her behavior.
Her horn glowed a pale pink as she slid open a hidden window in the ceiling, a camera behind it starting automatically.
“Sorry tonight’s show won’t be quite as… intense as we’d both hoped, Fancy dear,” Fleur pouted up into the hidden camera. “You’ll just have to make do with boring old me,” she sighed melodramatically, using her magic to slide open a drawer beneath the bed and sort through the toys inside. “I do have to say one thing though.” She grinned as she selected a particularly large specimen from the drawer, pulling it out and holding it up so that the camera could record her preparations.
“We might want to reconsider our ‘no strings attached’ policy. I do believe that Hayseed may be worth trying to bring into our little family, if he’s amenable to the idea. Now... why don't I show you what I had in mind for the night....”
With that, the time for words was over, and the supermodel mare set her mind to a rather more private sort of performance.