You know that moment, where you do not expect something to happen, but it does? I'm Alberto. Alberto Garcia. Descendant of a Bolivian mother and .... I have never met my father. Having being kicked in the chest by a horse before. I've developed a deep fear of horses; equestrian phobia, you might call it. Long story short, I'm afraid of horses -- Until one particular day.
Now. Being a 'peon' of a major development company in the Canary Islands. I had signed a one-way trip to hell. My horrible master, Francisco Perez, thought it'd be a fanatical idea to put us on a crappy island the size of a quarter of a comma on the world map, surrounded by water. It was the same everyday: alarm clock, incompetent colleagues, tasteless tea. I do have a compañera, with me, who made my life a bit more bearable.
Cut to the chase, something that will forever influence my life as a brony. So... aquí vamos (let's go).
If I can remember. It was on a working day when Donita, my compañera, actually wanted to go on a day out with me after work. You know the bar opposite my place? No you don't. Anyways. Señor Perez told me that day -- a Friday -- that I had a lot of paperwork not done properly, and I had to redo every single document for him, because it would surely cost the company a loss of mil million pesetas if I didn't get the thing done by that night. What the hell.
So I stormed home, really really angry that I most likely would have to answer to Donita for this. By this time it was already eleven at night, I was touching up my documents when I swore I saw two silhouettes fly by my window. It did seem a little funny to me at first; but I chose to ignore that... until the moment when I heard a loud knock on my door.
"Que pasa!?" I yelled.
The knocking continued, and my frustration started building up in me. And finally, I yelled at the door: "COME IN!"
But no, it continued, this just cut it. It was the end of the line, amigo. I went ahead to open the door, and to my surprise, I might have locked it.
Out of embarrassment, I opened the door and said softly. "Que pa-…."
My words hung in mid-air. All I remembered was I saw a quadrupedal creature at my door. It had colorful hair and huge eyes, I couldn't remember what happened after that though. I do, after all, have a weak heart. Sincere apologies, amigo.
"Is... Is he okay?"
"Uh... Hello?"
"Um... I think we have a live one here..."
I remember waking up in my bed, with the same creature I saw at my doorway looking right down at me. As I could see better now: That same creature had a ferociously purple mane and eyes.
"You alright? I mean..."
"WHO... WHO?"
"Who am I? I'm Twilight Sparkle…"
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?"
At the same moment, the purple pony... *ahem* Twilight Sparkle, pointed a hoof at my Macintosh screen.
"Look what's on that screen?"
"YEAH, SO? I CAME ACROSS IT BY ACCIDENT. YOU MUST BE LOCO IN THE CABEZA!"
"Well CLEARLY, you don't respect Twilie, so, why do we want to respect you?" Another abomination piped up. I shot up. And there it is: it had a rainbow-colored mane and blue coat. Though this one had a pair of wings on its body.
"Of... Of course I do... I... I... Respect your..."
Next thing I knew. The purple creature's horn on its forehead started glowing. With that, I got an extreme spasm of pain all around my body. I tried to yell, but no sounds came out of my mouth. I cannot move either, then, by some kind of loco magico. The purple creature lifted my entire weight: 69kg of me. INTO THE AIR without ANY hesitation! And with an evil grin, the rainbow-maned creature winked at me with evil complexion.
Next thing I knew. I blacked out completely for the count. I don't have any earthly idea how they did it.
When I came to, the two evil creatures had brought me up to the roof access: I found myself on the 12th level. It overlooked the small makeshift town that me and my fellow comprendes are to be staying in. And one thing that caught my eye, was a GIGANTIC arc over my most hated master: Francisco Perez's office. But structurally, no damage was visible. The gigantic arc had gold and clouds stuck all over it. A bright rainbow shot out every few seconds.
My jaw hit the ground. I was shocked by how much insanity was going on in such a period of time. Two abominations? A gigantic weird thing? Completar una locura! estúpido! una estupidez!
Just as I snapped out of being dumbfounded, the purple one used the same weird magico on me again, the spasm of pain overcame me again, and, with remarkable skill, it turned to around to look at me. Her mane was now brighter than ever, her eyes glittering with malicious intent. She spoke in a sly accent after some time...
"We'll see you on the other side.. Comprende..."
It is one thing to be angry with someone, and yet another when that someone happens to be two weird horse-like creatures with powers completely beyond any form of human description.
That is exactly how I felt as I stepped through the portal through which those two caballos took me. Considering the way they named themselves – Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash – I was seriously rather surprised that they had never considered trying for the racecourse back in La Paz. But come to think of it, no racecourse would even want them – considering the fact that the entire audience, who go to the racecourse only to gamble, would be a little spooked out by the sight of two unusually-colored horses who know nothing except to cast magic spells in broad daylight.
So anyways. The minute I entered through the portal, somehow I felt very strange. I felt like I had no hands. I felt like I had to crawl on all fours. I felt like... well, even my favorite beef steaks did not taste nice to me anymore. Worst thing of all, I felt like an alien in a foreign world. Put it this way: What sort of land would have no roads, all grass, a few paddocks, apple trees scattered here, there, and everywhere, and a couple of unusual building-like structures popping out from the ground amidst all the greenery? No, there was something desperately very wrong here. I just knew it.
I thought, maybe I’ll just take it as it comes. So I just followed Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash through this weird land of greenery.
“This is Equestria,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Welcome.”
Equestria. What a name for such a place. This was becoming more and more incredible. I could see lots of other horses around as I walked on with my two guides. I remember I saw a paddock of apple trees, with two horses inside: A beige cowgirl horse with a blonde mane and a 10-gallon hat, and a red stallion with a yellow mane and an apple tattoo. We walked on and then I thought I’d rest, so I sat down on what I thought was a purple stone resting in the middle of the grass.
“OWWW!” I yelled, for something pricked me so hard in my arse that I leaped about ten feet into the air. “Mil bombas!” I cried as I landed on my feet again. “Caramba! You mean to tell me that the two of you ...?”
Twilight Sparkle pointed behind me. It was not a purple stone after all, it was a DRAGON. A baby dragon, yes, but still a dragon.
“Who is this new pony?” asked the dragon, curiously. “Don’t think I’ve seen him around these parts?”
“This is Alberto, our new friend,” said Rainbow Dash. “Alberto, meet Spike.”
“Buenos dias,” I said, not half convinced. New pony – me? Yeah right! I am a full fledged human being, so how DARE they call me an animal – especially one I have been afraid of all my life?
I confronted Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash up front. “Why are you calling me a pony?” I demanded. “Do I look anything like a pony to you?”
Twilight Sparkle produced a mirror. “Have a look inside and see for yourself,” she said, looking serious.
I was honestly dumbfounded beyond words to see myself in the mirror. Was that really me? A black horse with a grey mane and glowing brown eyes? I just couldn’t believe this was happening. I lost my patience and fixed the two other horses with a severe glare. “This is some sort of a joke, isn’t it, amigos? You are trying to make me one of you? Why can’t I go back to where I came from?”
“I’m sorry, Alberto, but this is our rule here,” said Rainbow Dash. “If you have anything, you may check with the Princess.”
“Then take me to the princess!” I demanded.
The two horses guided me through the greenery – which seemed like it took years to walk through – all the way to a big white palace with purple steeples. I was so amazed that I became totally dumbfounded at the very sight of such a magnificent building in the middle of apparently endless greenery.
I followed them into the palace, where the Princess herself – a huge white mare with a tiara, and wings and a single horn on her forehead – was waiting.
“Your Highness,” said Twilight Sparkle, “here is the pony we were telling you about.”
“The two of you may go,” said the Princess. “You, new pony, stay,” she said, indicating to me.
After Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash departed, I was alone with the Princess in this huge palace, which had such poor acoustics that voices easily echoed round.
“You are Alberto Garcia of La Paz, Bolivia,” said the Princess in a voice that made me think of sour lemons. “I am aware of the numerous outrages you have committed.”
Outrages. Yeah right. Everything I said or did was also an outrage. I kept quiet nonetheless, waiting for the Princess – or so she called herself – to finish her monologue.
“You were turned into a pony because you were entering Equestria,” went on the Princess, “and it is required that every visitor that is not a pony or a magical creature, must become a pony. You are an earth pony now, to be specific, because you come from Earth.”
I continued keeping the silence.
“You were taken to see me because of only one thing,” said the Princess, raising her tone of voice, “and that is because you have committed something wrong recently. Have you done or said anything that does not spread Love, Kindness, and Tolerance recently, especially to horses or ponies? Do you know that that is a mistake which will torment you for the rest of your life?”
I wanted to deny it, but I knew I definitely had done so. The very memory of Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash flying into my room that night, just made me tremble with fear.
“I know what you are thinking,” said the Princess, “and that is that you want to go back to Earth. Do not worry, I have every intention of granting your wish.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew it, her bark was worse than her bite.
“However, there is a condition,” said the Princess. “You have to vow not to say anything that does not spread Love, Kindness, or Tolerance. If anything untoward comes out of your very lips, and you are found out by my ponies again, the same leniency shown to you today may not be shown to you again. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, Your Highness,” I replied, in a soft voice.
“Very well then,” said the Princess. “You may go. Here is your portal.”
Waving her hooves, the Princess caused that portal – the very same one that had appeared over Senor Perez’s hacienda that night – to appear in her very palace. I stepped through the gates... and woke up on my armchair in a cold sweat, shivering and stuttering: “H-h-h-help...!”
“Que pasa!” cried Donita, suddenly running into my room. “Alberto! Como esta usted? You all right?”
“Muy bien, gracias,” I replied, hoping to keep my companera quiet.
“Are you sure?” cried Donita. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”
“Si, si...” I began, but I was reluctant to tell Donita anything bad about that pony Princess or any part thereof, afraid that I might somehow be overheard by those two locos caballos that disturbed my peace earlier on. So I just told Donita, “Si, but I’ve taken care of it already.”
“It better be that way,” said Donita. “At this rate you’re going, Alberto, you’ll be waking up the whole neighbourhood!” She left and went back to her room.
I stayed awake till almost 4am in front of my MacBook, trying desperately to finish all my paperwork because Senor Perez would surely be expecting it of me the following day.
In fact, I did finish it, but Senor Perez was most upset with me still. He called me to his office.
“Mil million bombas! Is this the kind of work you give to me?” he yelled. “Santa Madre de Dios! I made you a project manager, even gave you an air-conditioned working environment, and this is how you carry out your work! Look – even simple arithmetic you cannot do properly; since when was 2 + 3 equal to 6?? Oh boy!”
“Senor, I can explain...” I began.
“Basta! You’re demoted to the ranks!” screamed Perez. “Go and get your shovels and work along with the very men you once commanded! And make it snappy, before I explode!”
You can imagine how angry I was. I had to actually do the dirty work – a job I simply hated doing. (I mean, who likes that kind of work anyway?) Some of those workmen, formerly my subordinates, were laughing at me even as I took my shovels along. I lost my patience and hit a workman with my shovel. Unfortunately, Perez caught me red-handed.
“Garcia, I hired you as a project manager to supervise my workmen, not to attack them!” he screeched. “Have you become loco in the cabeza or something?!”
“Yes, I AM loco in the cabeza!” I retorted. “I am loco enough to kill all of you today! I have practically slaved the whole night, had little more than an hour and a half of sleep; and this is how you are treating me – making me do the very work that my workmen do! This is NOT the place for someone with my education! If this treatment doesn’t make me loco in the cabeza, then what would you expect! I’m out of here!”
“One more thing – you don’t have to come to work tomorrow!” shrieked Perez.
“I’d be only too happy!” I shouted as I stormed out of the construction site and headed back to my flat. I had to wait for the notice from the Bolivian embassy in Spain concerning my deportation back to La Paz. All thanks to the intervention from los dos caballos the night before – this had just cost me my job. I would be too happy to start afresh, I thought, as I entered my flat.
“Donita!” I called. She was not around, but had left me a note:
Alberto mio,
I have gone out with some friends for a pool session at Bel Mundo shopping mall in Las Palmas. I will not be home till 9:30pm. Hope your work goes well today.
Tu amor,
Donita.
Doppio diavolo! Now I had something else to reckon with – Donita herself. How would I face her? No, I had to go to Las Palmas and see her at the pool center in Bel Mundo.
When I arrived at Bel Mundo, it was a double blow for me. I saw my companera Donita, wearing her red flannel dress (which she promised to wear at our wedding, which was scheduled to be in a few more months’ time) and playing billiards with some people whom I knew and was not exactly on very good terms with; one of them was a compatriot of ours, a young 22-year-old Inca Indian named Huascar Leon, 11 years younger than me, whose ancestors had nearly wiped out the Aymara Indians, my ancestors. Like all those before him, Huascar was a sly and cunning man who clearly had his eyes set on Donita. Of course, I would not stand for that. This was yet another sign that the entrance of those ponies in my life was just nothing more than bad luck, which I had to do something about – and fast.
First things first: I had to kill Huascar. But what could I do? Simple – I had my gun. I grabbed it and ran into the pool center, shrieking: “Huascar Leon, you muchacho! Leave my woman alone!”
“You stay out of this, estupido!” screamed Huascar, pulling out his own gun in turn.
“Basta todo! Please!” pleaded Donita. “We can talk things over!”
“I will handle this!” I shouted, pushing Donita aside – not that I’d wanted to anyway – and challenged Huascar Leon to a duel. The security guards of Bel Mundo Shopping Mall came and intervened – and in the process, I accidentally shot and killed one of them. Huascar escaped unharmed.
You could say that luck was really down on me. I was arrested and sentenced to three months’ imprisonment for manslaughter, after which I would be deported back to La Paz. Donita, still the faithful companera, came to visit me on a weekly basis.
On one of those visits, Donita asked me this question: “Alberto, you seem to have become a totally different man since that night. What really happened? Why were you calling for help in the middle of the night?”
I thought the time had come to tell her the truth. I told her everything about my visit to “Equestria” and los dos caballos locos – the ones that called themselves Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash – who had attempted to try and make me believe in them and their doctrines about “Love, kindness, and tolerance”.
“Oh, you mean the Little Ponies of Equestria,” said Donita. “Well, here’s the thing. I know them personally. They’re actually quite nice. Why should you be afraid of them?”