//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Date The Second // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// “Ugh... you have to be kidding me,” Celestia sighed, slumping down in her seat. “What type of date is nearly an hour late?” She had already eaten her dinner, alone; along with her dessert, alone; and to finish it off, an entire bottle of wine, alone. Now she was just waiting for the check to arrive before leaving. Suddenly, a great boom could be heard from outside, shaking the entire building and causing great cracks to race along the ceiling. The stricken roofing swiftly collapsed, the sound of settling dust and debris followed by a voice shouting, “The type of date who crashes through the ceiling, of course!” From the hole in the roof fell a bipedal creature of a strange attire. Red and black jumpsuit with white slits for eyes and a plethora of weapons and pockets. Why someone would possibly need so many pockets, Celestia couldn’t begin to guess. Dusting some drywall off his shoulder, Deadpool waved to his date and jumped in his seat, leaning over the table. “Oh, sorry about the wait up. You know how busy you can get when mutant ape lizard monsters suddenly spring up at work.” Celestia blinked. “Um... are you serious?” “Oh, and traffic. Whew, that’s the last time I interdimensional travel using a rental.” Leaning back in his chair with both feet kicked up on the table, he asked, “So, how was your night so far?” “Um... Deadpool,” she said, remembering his name from his profile page, “I was alone here for nearly an hour. So... not the best of times.” “Whoops,” Deadpool chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. “Guess the time got away from me. On account of the mutant ape zombie people. That were attacking me.” “Hey, I thought you said they were mutant ape lizard people...” “Anyways–” Deadpool interrupted, picking up a menu and flipping through it. “They have any good grub to eat here? I already got stabbed through the stomach multiple times on the way over, so I’m just starved.” “You were... stabbed in the stomach?” Celestia asked, glancing over the table to see if this was true. By the look of his shredded suit and the copious amounts of dripping blood, it must be. “Oh, that was nothing compared to what happened to my colon,” Deadpool replied nonchalantly from behind the menu, tilting his chair so it leaned on its back legs. “Ooh, they have chimichangas!” “Well, um, Deadpool, I was just about to leave, and...” Celestia really didn’t know what else to say. His arrival was completely random, his mannerisms were rude, plus, who wears an outfit like that? Definitely not good date material, that’s who. “Hey, say no more. We can take this date to the streets!” Deadpool said, falling backwards in his chair to back-roll and flip into a standing position. Striking a heroic pose, he declared, “I promise you, this will be the best date ever!” “Um… I was thinking I’d go back to the castle. To be honest, you’re starting to freak me out a bit, and I drank a lot of wine.” Celestia got up from her seat, a little lightheaded from the booze already kicking in. “Thanks anyways for… showing up, I guess.” Celestia departed from the table, trotting briskly towards the exit while leaving Deadpool behind. But like any good hero… villain… mercenary… we’ll just go with that for now, Deadpool just doesn’t quit. “Wait!” he called out, jumping to front flip off the table using his hands to land before the alcohol-infused princess. “We can still have a nice night. Wanna go for a moonlit walk through the park? A movie? An abandoned alleyway most likely filled with hobos I can beat up to impress you?” “None of those sound really appealing…” Celestia tilted her head to the side and sized him up. “Also, how exactly are you immortal again?” “Oh, I’m just impossible to kill, is all,” Deadpool gloated, showing off the wound he received previously which had turned to smooth… well, mostly healed skin. “My healing factor power makes me regenerate anything. Heck, I can cut my own head off and reattach it!” Deadpool pulled out a katana from the scabbard on his back. “Wanna see?” “Uh… no thank you, I think I’m good. I’m just going to go home… and strangle a certain somepony for putting me through this.” Celestia exited the restaurant, a migraine already forming through the buzz of booze that had descended upon her brain. The migraine only grew larger as Deadpool followed close behind her, walking in a confident swagger as if he owned the streets. “Do you mind leaving me alone?” Celestia called over her shoulder, scowling at the troublesome… whatever he is. “Very much so, but I tend to ignore that,” he replied, whistling a tune reminiscent of an annoying internet viral song related to Friday’s and late nights. Muttering obscenities under her breath, Celestia quickened her pace to escape the red and black spandex-clad menace. Unfortunately, alcohol, plus the fact Deadpool had longer leg length, made it so he could keep up with her with no problem. “Do I have to call the Royal Guard?” she shouted to him, stumbling over a pothole in the street but continuing to walk nonetheless. “No need, now that I’m here!” Deadpool said, catching up to walk beside her. “Just making sure you get home ‘aight.” “I think I can handle getting back ‘aight,” she replied with a bit of contempt in her voice, scooting over away from him. “Not with the threat of manbearpigs on the loose. Heard that they’re getting pretty antsy, so I’ll escort you back to make sure you’re safe,” he assured her, winking slyly. “As is the ‘gentlemanly’ and proper ‘to get some’ way to go.” “Like you’d ever get so–” Celestia stopped in her tracks, eyes widening as she stared at the alleyway leading off the side of the road. Red eyes glowed in the darkness, along with grunts similar to a man, growls like that of a bear, and high pitched squeals of a pig. From the shadows appeared a creature straight from the mind of someone tripping on bad LSD after reading some Lovecraft. It had half the body of a man, half of a bear, and another half of a pig. It basically amounted to a messed up monster with nice abs, half its body covered in hair and a snout and tail of a pig. “Ah, it seems the manbearpig infestation I made up has proved fruitful,” Deadpool said, unsheathing a katana and drawing an Uzi clipped to his utility belt. “Don’t worry, princess, I got this covered!” With a cry of heroic dedication to justice, Deadpool jumped at the manbearpig with his sword swinging and the Uzi spraying bullets everywhere. With a cry craving for the taste of the flesh of the idiotic, the manbearpig bit at Deadpool’s arm holding the katana, crunching through the bones, at the same time using his bear claw to rip the arm holding the Uzi right off Deadpool’s shoulder. Staring back at Celestia with large amounts of blood squirting from the stump that was once his arm while his other was being used as chew toy by a made-up creature, Deadpool said, “You might want to call the cops. Or animal control. I’m not sure what jurisdiction this guy falls under.” “I’ll… be sure to do that,” Celestia replied, slowly backing away as Deadpool attempted to use his dismembered arm as a club against the manbearpig. Turning away from the sounds of Deadpool’s legs being ripped off, Celestia quickly made her way to the castle while muttering under her breath, “That’s it, I’m choosing the next date.”