Griffin the Griffin

by BlackWing

New In Town (8)

"Gilda, I just realized something."

"What is it Grif?" She asked.

"Ponies are idiots."

"You're just figuring that out now?" She said sarcastically.

"What I mean is, the ponies are naive, and where there are naive ponies, there will be those who will try to take advantage of them, like 'Pierre' back there. The thing is, he's naive too. I also took a look at the gems out front. I figured we'd only get 5000 bits for ours, 3500 is 70%. We got more than I expected out of him, because he was too stupid. We knew he would try something like that, which is why there were the two of us. He tried it anyway, and got caught. Most morons think everyone else is one. We also think that we're smarter than everyone else, we just can't let it go to our head, or someone will surprise us."

"You never cease to amaze." She replied.

"Well, we've got 3500 bits, let's buy some fruits and veggies, but not here. Everything is priced higher here, we'd be wasting our money. Let's head to the next town."

Gilda pulled out the map, and scowled. "Ponyville."

"What's the matter?" I asked, knowing damn well what the issue was.

"In all Equestria, the lamest ponies live there. That purple bookworm I told you about, a pink pony that is way too hyper, a snob who'd fit in perfectly here, some farm hick, a scaredy cat, and...." she trailed off.

"Let me guess, judging from what you've told me, it's a group of friends. All that's missing is the athletic one, who's also an idiot." Me, again knowing everything.

"I told you to stop that. Yeah, I used to hang with her, back when she didn't suck, then she started hanging around a bunch of lame ponies. She changed, and now we're not friends anymore." She said, looking sad, but trying to hide it.

"Yeah, back on my world, I had a couple friends. I made a change for the better, started doing something fun, something they didn't like. Just like that, I was all alone in the world. Part of the reason why I'm here I guess. It sucks being without friends. I guess we have each other now."

"Heh, yeah." Gilda said weakly. What I said struck a nerve. "Well, I say we go somewhere else."

"Can't, that's the only town on the way to Canterlot. Unless you'd rather eat more raw clams." There was a large expanse of land between Manehatten and Ponyville, and the iconic village wa actually further south than Canterlot, but was closer overall. We needed new supplies, so we'd have to stop off there.

Gilda gulped hard. "Point taken. If you don't mind, I'll just fly over town while you do business. I don't really wanna go back there, and I don't think they'd let me back in either."

"Alright, then tell me a little more about each of them." I knew ALL about them already.

"Why?" She asked.

"I wanna know what to look out for."

Gilda explained each of their personality traits, or what she knew of them. It was all old news to me, but I listened anyway. I couldn't let her know that I secretly adored those 'lame' ponies, while I had to agree that Pinkie was too hyper, and Rainbow was too cocky. We'd probably end up butting heads.

"Okay, got my list. A bucket, some cooking knives, some tomatoes, potatoes, leeks, lemons, don't need chives cuz I can just find em. Need a small pot for cooking, a folding stand to hold the pot, an ax to get firewood.... Oh! Some backpacks to make carrying it all easier. Should probably get rid of my animal skins, walking into town looking like a bloody mess is a sure way to send the wrong message. Keepin the sword though, it looks badass. Okay! I'm all set."

"So, you gonna name it?" Gilda asked me.

"Name what?"

"The sword. It's unique, and if you're gonna be king one day, you gotta have a name for your legendary blade." She laughed as she said king, letting me know she wasn't serious.

"Hmm, Midnight Rain. It's dark as a cloudy night and my enemies blood shall fill the heavens. Sound good?"

"You dork." She giggled.

'Gilda. Gilda. GILDA giggled? HER of all people, ponies, griffins, whatever, GIGGLED?

"Laugh it up hot stuff."

"It's too complex. Try something simpler." She said blushing at my compliment. I know for a fact she likes me, might as well make her know I like her. Never thought I'd ever be in Equestria, and now that I'm here, I'm falling for the last one I ever expected.

"Hades."

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"In Greek mythology, the same mythology that has griffins, Hades is the god of the underworld. He has a skeleton face and wears black robes. The gates of the underworld are guarded by his pet, the three headed giant wolf, cerberus. To enter the afterlife, you are taken by boat across a river of blood by a skeletal ferryman. People would put a coin in the mouth of their dead loved ones, because when the ferryman took them across, when they got half way, he'd ask for payment. If you didn't have it, he'd dump you in the river where the souls of the wicked dead would drag you down and make you feel the pain and cold of drowning for all eternity."

"Your weird alien species is seriously fucked up." She said dumbstruck.

"And you know something? That's just the entrance, and it's not even near the worst afterlife we've thought of." She shuddered at the thought. I wasn't gonna tell her about Dante's Inferno, I didn't feel like cleaning griffin puke off my feathers.

"Alright, so, I'll meet you at the edge of town.... here." I pointed to a spot just south of Sweet Apple Acres on a local map. She nodded and flew off, telling me she'd find a place to take a quick nap. Diamond dogs don't come anywhere near, and there aren't any thieves either, so it'd be safe. She took all our collected gear and carried to to the meeting place, while I headed into down. We had been flying for a while to get there, and I wanted to rest my wings.

As I walked into town, some background ponies I recognized started staring. Lyra and Bon Bon, the turquoise unicorn sitting in her usual human like manner, Roseluck and Carrot Top (also known as golden harvest) I spotted Derpy slamming into a lamp post not once, but three times before finally deciding to go around it, having a private laugh to myself.

"HI! I'm Pinkie Pie and I saw you walking into town and thought you must be new here in Ponyville because I'm friends with everypony in Ponyville so I'd remember all of them and I don't remember you which I definately would because you're the second griffin to ever come here and ooh what is that on your back it looks heavy but it's shiny and I saw you walking all alone and I thought if you're all alone and you're new that you probably don't have any friends here and what better way to make friends than to..." I would have been surprised if I wasn't expecting it. But I WAS expecting it. Nobody can walk into Ponyville without a Pinkie Pie greeting. I put my claw over her mouth about half way through that, but she just kept talking through it, and it was easy enough to figure out what she was saying.

"Listen up, I don't like parties because I feel awkward at them, pies are fine, but cupcakes are too sugary. Eating too many sweets will make you sick, I'm not here to stay I'm a traveler who just passing through to buy some supplies. This thing on my back is very shiny and heavy, and it's also very sharp. It's a tool and memento of my journey, and I would appreciate if you didn't touch it, not that you could damage it but I don't want you to hurt yourself. As for friends, I do have a friend who I'm meeting later, after I buy my supplies. We want to keep moving, and I don't want to waste any time here. I really just want to get what I need and leave. Even though I could understand everything you said you are much too hyperactive for my tastes, and if you don't want to direct me to what I'm looking for, then please get out of my way."

'Okay, I was a little mean, but I have a schedule to keep. Next to Rarity, Pinkie is actually my least favorite. She's too hyper and too happy. Sure, she's funny and she's friends with everyone, but from my time on earth, you get it in your head that anyone who's THAT happy has something seriously wrong with them, and me having pretty much no friends at all makes me just about incompatible with her. She's sweet and I'm sour. Since we're not making a sauce to go on rice or chicken balls, nor are we a package of candy (although given what she eats, she could be mistaken for one), we don't mix well.'

"You mean you DON'T want to be my friend?" She said, giving me the sad eyes. Too bad for her I'm immune to them.

"I'm afraid not." I said, throwing her a ragged piece of tied rope from my pack that I specifically prepared for this moment ahead of time. (Afraid not, A frayed knot, get it?)

Pinkie looked at the rope for a moment, thinking about what I said, before she burst out laughing.

"You've got a great sense of humor! Are you sure you don't wanna be my friend?" She asked.

"Listen pinks, that shiny thing on my back? It's a weapon. Where I come from is not a nice place, and I had to do not-very-nice things to survive there. It's made from a dragon's scale. I'll let you guess how I got it. Here's a hint. I'm a great big mean meanie pants, and you don't wanna get involved with me. I'm just going to pick up what I need, then I'll be out of your hair."

"Don't you mean mane?" She asked quizzically. "And you can't be all bad if you're funny and talk the same way I do."

"I talk the same way you do because I want you to understand that I'm dangerous, and to stay away from me."

Her mane fell flat. I just gave her the Ponyville equivalent of 'fuck off'. I felt kind of bad about it, but I don't feel like getting a migraine from having my ears talked off. Given that I'm part bird now and they're inside my head, that would be a bad thing. Nnng.... dang it.... I was a jerk to Pinkie Pie. I REALLY shouldn't have done that........ I made myself feel bad.

"Hey, cheer up kid. It ain't all bad. You've got plenty of friends, you don't need me to be one."

"I never said anything about big mean meanie pantses, or anything about cupcakes or parties. How did you know?" The pink party pony asked, having calmed down. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her tail twitch, but I didn't let on that I saw it. I looked up to see a flowerpot falling. I grabbed it in my claw and spun around. (I have good reflexes when it comes to catching things, comes from having things thrown at me a lot), walked up to her sitting on the ground, and set it in front of her.

"Same way you know when something's gonna fall."

'DAMN that was cool.' It's not technically a lie, since in theory, since she exists partly outside the 4th wall, she is aware of all the happenings of the universe should she actually try to look at them. She's far too active to concentrate on it, so it acts out on her body instead. Like how when she had her freak out she knew something was gonna happen at froggy bottom bog. I was aware of things the same way, combining my reaction times with my audience perspective. Apparently, that was the WRONG thing to do. He mane became poofy again, and she started yammering all over again.

"You mean YOU have Pinkie Sense too? Although you're not a pinkie, you're a griffin, so is it griffin sense? It does different things than my Pinkie Sense does, so it must be different. Do all griffins have that or just you?" She kepts throwing a million questions at me before I had a chance to answer any of them.

"Listen, if you help me find the things I need, I'll answer your questions the best I can." I said, holding my claw over her mouth again. She nodded, and I handed her my shopping list.

"Okay, potatoes, tomatoes, tee hee, those rhyme, leeks, lemons, knives, a pot, a bucket, and a folding cooking stand? Are you some kind of traveling griffin chef or something?" She asked with earnest.

"I guess you could say that."

"Ooh, can you cook something for me? I bet the food you make is really good!" Oh boy, I didn't want to have to tell her this.

"I don't think you'll like the food I make."

"And why not?" She asked, batting her eyelashes.

"Because I'm a griffin, and most griffins eat meat. Last I checked, ponies were vegetarians."

"Oh. Okay. I guess you're right." She looked a little sad, but hey, she wanted to know.

"Ah, here we are, variety store." She said, perking back up again. I checked through the store, finding the bucket, knives, pot, backpacks, and cooking stand that I needed. I paid for them all with haste, ignoring the strange look I was getting from the store owner, telling me he thought I was gonna try and steal something.

'Damn racist.'

"Okay, so now it's just the market place. I should be able to find everything I need there, then I'm outta here."

"Wow, traveling the world? I know you just started but wow. Even fighting a full grown dragon and winning, you must be super strong." Pinkie was impressed. I left out the bloody details. I just told her that it went after my friend and I fought it off.

"Not really, I'm just super smart."

"Oh, you didn't tell me your name!" Pinkie exclaimed.

'Here we go.'

"Not gonna, you'll laugh at me."

"No I won't." She defended herself.

"Pinkie Promise?" She looked stunned that I knew about that, but just as her friends chalked her behaviour up to 'Pinkie being Pinkie', she didn't question it. She went through the silly ritual before I gave a sigh.

"Griffin."

"Well duh, I know you're a griffin, what's your NAME?" Oh boy.

"Griffin." I said again.

"I promised I wouldn't laugh, just tell me your name!" She squealed.

"My name is Griffin. I'm Griffin the griffin. My parent's were unimaginative, and I have to explain this to every per.... pony I talk to." I was annoyed, then I was mad. Since I got here, anyone I talked to always made fun of my name, and I DO. NOT. LIKE. BEING. LAUGHED. AT.

Pinkie Pie, despite making a trademark Pinkie Promise, laughed at my name. As soon as the first giggles came out, she put her hooves over her mouth, and looked at me with desperation.

"Goodbye, Pinkie." I began to walk away. She sat there on the street, her mane went flat, and she began to cry.

"GILDA!" I heard a yell come from the sky as I was tackled by a blur.

"You dare show your face in Ponyville again after what you did. When I saw you talking to Pinkie, I thought maybe you had changed, maybe you came to make things right. Now you've gone and made her cry. NOPONY makes Pinkie cry."

'Shit, I'm about to be murdered by Rainbow Dash. Wait, did she call me Gilda?'

I jumped to my paws, using my wings for stability as I crossed my forearms, holding my claws out in front of me. It's not a very good move to use on humans, because human's have their feet planted firmly on the ground. Rainbow Dash was flying, and she'd never see it coming.

The enraged mare dove at me, both hooves forward, intending to ram me with them. I caught them in my claws, using my crossed arms to brace against the impact.

"See ya sweet heart." I said using my coolest, most masculine voice possible, which confused her greatly. Then I uncrossed my arms, making her spin around like Starfox when Peppy won't shut up.

'Do a barrel roll!'

Dash came out of it and crashed on the ground. Her eyes rolling around in her head, she hit herself with her hoof to make herself snap out of it. She got on all fours crouching low, as she gave a springing tackle using the lift from both her wings and legs. I have a higher center of gravity than her, so she was hitting me low to throw me off balance. Clever girl. She flipped my off my back paws, causing me to land on my back. Luckily I had a sheath made for Hades when we were in Manehatten, or I would have lost my tail to the blade. Rainbow landed hard on my upper stomach, knocking the wind out of me. She was fast and small, and I wasn't trying to kill her. An impossible to hit target that I wasn't trying to hit, there was no contest.

"Gah!" I yelled in pain. She looked at me angrily as I felt a strange tingle. My eyes shot wide as I realized the position I was in.

"Somepony help! I'm being raped by a madmare!" I called out using what little lung capacity I had available at the moment. Rainbow suddenly stopped her attempts to bludgeon me, looking down between her legs, she saw that she was straddling me, pressing 'it' up against my body with her own 'area'. She jumped off embarrassed. Once I regained my breath, I stood back up.

"Geez sunshine if ya wanted me that bad you could have just asked. I'm open minded."

'Trololololo lololo lololo. Man I love Edward Khil.'

"Can it buddy. Why'd ya go and make Pinkie Pie cry?" She asked, still mad, but also blushing.

"Why? Am I not pretty enough for you?" I said with as much of a smirk one can have with a beak.

"No, you're ugly, now what did you do to Pinkie!?!" She yelled.

"I didn't do anything. Why don't you go ask her?"

Pinkie had watched the whole thing, and explained, leaving out all the details.

"I made him a Pinkie Promise, then I broke it." She said sobbing. Rainbow's eyes went wide at the thought of Pinkie Pie herself breaking her own trademark promise.

"Who are you anyways?" She demanded. I gave a sigh.

"Griffin." Here we go again.

"You're name idiot." She was annoyed.

"First you tackle me, then you call me a girl's name, then you molest me, then you make fun of my looks, and finally, you insult me because my name is ironic. Pinkie, you said EVERYPONY in Ponyville is your friend? With friends like skittles here, who needs enemies?" Chew on that Dash, maybe that'll take your ego down a notch...... wait. Now I'm being an ass to Rainbow Dash too? What the hell! I mean, I was in a bad mood anyway, but that's no excuse!

"You are by far the WORST pony I've ever met, and I would prefer never to see you again. As for you Pinkie Pie, I forgive you, but I still won't be your friend, you... shouldn't get involved." I said, trying to look like I'm holding a hidden pain in order to make the fact that they won't get to know me even worse. I'm a terrible person, you know that? I just met two of the mane six, and I just made both of them cry, even though it was their own faults. Pinkie looked a little happier, but Dash had tears in her eyes. In order to not be seen crying, she flew off to what I assumed to be above the clouds.

"I hope all your friends aren't that mean Pinkie, or else I'd have to reconsider your offer since I'd fit right in." I said as I walked to the market square.

'What the hell brain, stop making me be mean to my idols!'

Dear Princess Celestia,

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Sincerely, Griffin.