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// The Number You've Dialed 
// Story: Odrsjot 
// by Imploding Colon 
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	"It appeareth to us that thou hath been through a great deal of duress, and yet thou hath performed admirably, Rainbow Dash."

The mare's ruby eyes twitched in the moonlight.  She tilted her head up and spoke towards the stars.  "Huh?  How... how can you say that?"

"How can we not?  Thou hast endured so many disastrous trials, and yet thou hath emerged triumphantly, and with beloved companions who are willing to call thee a trusted and valued friend."

"But... like... at what cost, your highness?"  Rainbow Dash gulped as the pendant around her neck flickered.  "I used to be an element of harmony.  You remember harmony, don't you, Luna?"

"Verily, we do."

"So how can you possibly be proud of me?  I've... y'know..."  Rainbow's ears drooped as she allowed her snout to fall towards the twigs and leaves of the tree beneath her.  "I've broken a few huge 'no-no' rules since I first set out from Equestria."

"Wouldst thou care to elaborate on them?  Or would it be far too taxing of thy spirit?

Rainbow Dash clenched her teeth.  After half a minute, she exhaled with a flick of her tail and murmured, "When I first started flying east, I wasn't exactly... the most cheerful of ponies.  And, yet I was.  It's weird."

"We art listening..."

Rainbow Dash rolled over like a pegasus on a velvety couch and sighed towards the heavens.  "Everything went by so fast.  I must have scaled two or three continents in less than two months.  I just wanted... y'know... to fly fly fly fly fly..."  She gulped.  "I wanted to dazzle ponies... to make a bunch of them drool at my awesomeness, but I never wanted to make friends."

"Indeed.  We acknowledge that such was the nature of thy countenance at the time."

Rainbow's face was pale as she murmured, "You think I was a little bit suicidal, Your Highness?"

Luna was silent for a while, but eventually her voice emanated from the pendant along silver streams.  "'Self-destructive' wouldst be a better term to describe thee at the time, Rainbow Dash, for we do not think that it was necessarily the daring pegasus on the outside that thou had desired to destroy..."

Rainbow droned, "I was a monster, Luna.  I was half chaos and all miserable."  She rolled to her side, nuzzling the branch like it was a pillow as she gazed lonesomely into the hazy miles of moonlit forests.  "I expected to be dead in a month.  And yet, I didn't pass away.  Heck, I'm still alive, and I'm not even sure I know how that works.  I mean, it's been—what—eight months already?"

"Eleven, our little pony."

She winced at that.  "Yikes."  He gulped.  "Chaos metal coffins do wonders, huh?"

"Thou hadst possessed more than the components of chaos to extend thy livelihood, Rainbow Dash...."

"Like what, huh?"  Rainbow chuckled bitterly.  "What's really, truly so awesome about me that has kept me alive while all of my best friends have bit the dust?"  She tilted her head north, gazing at the distant speck of lavender drifting slowly towards the east.  "A year ago, nothing seemed to matter to me.  I wanted to reach the Midnight Armory, sure..."  She gulped.  "But did I really ever expect myself to?"

Luna was silent.

Rainbow Dash continued, "It wasn't a very nifty thing, Luna.  The way I felt about myself, I mean."  She gulped.  "There's a part of me that had always hoped that someday I'd meet my friends again... that... that Twilight and... th-the others would just be someplace safe... someplace happy... waiting for me..."  She bit her lip.  "But, like, at the time... I couldn't believe in that.  Even if such a fantasy was possible, I knew I would never meet up with them, in spite of whatever killed me.  If there was someplace happy and peaceful, it would be in a place where I wouldn't deserve to go."  She closed her eyes and sighed.  "Because I was the one who sent them there..."

"We doth believe that thou hath yet again forgotten the finer details of what truly extinguished their flames—"

"It doesn't matter, Princess..."  Rainbow Dash reopened her eyes.  They were like bloodsoaked daggers in the moonlight  "And it definitely didn't matter at the time.  So, y'know, nothing was sacred, and it didn't bug me in the least that I tore chaos monsters around Windthrow a new one."  She shrugged.  "Or that—y'know—I probably sent one or two of those jerkfaced minotaurs to the grave when I freed all of those ponies from their digging site."  She ran a hoof through her mane and shuddered.  "And then there were the dragons that I beat up... the children of Axan... right in front of her.  I know many of them didn't live through the crap I put them through."

A cold breeze billowed through the trees, rattling the leaves all around Rainbow Dash.

She shuddered a she continued, "And then I woke up in Ledomare... and there were all these really, really evil ponies doing truly evil things.  They were killing equines left and right.  They were friggin' massacring innocent mares and stallions."  Her nostrils flared.  "Well, they had imprisoned me as a monster from the west, and so that's exactly what I gave them.  I dunno how long I let that justify the things I did, but..."  She winced heavily as she squeaked forth, "I-I stopped keeping count."

"Of what, Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow ran a hoof over her eyes before they could water.  "Of how many of them I friggin' smoked, Luna.  Of how m-many of them are dead because of me."  Her teeth gnashed upon the next breath.  "And then over Foxtaur... and in Searo's Hold... and in Blue Nova..."

"In all of the details that thou hath related to us, we hath yet to identify a singular moment of unjustifiable force."

"That may be easier to say on your end, Princess.  But—face it.  Nothing I've done in the past ten, eleven, whatever lunar cycles has been very harmonious."  She frowned.  "Many of these soldiers... these guards and fighters and the like—they had families, Luna.  They had families, and I snuffed their lives out and tore them from their loved ones.  And for what?  Nopony is perfect, but we at least have the ability to be more awesome than we've been told to be... or allowed to be.  What ever stopped me from trying to talk some sense into them? From trying to find... I dunno... a middle ground or something?  Something way the heck more peaceful than bucking their faces into next century?"

"These Ledomaritan and Searonese cretins wanted nothing more than to bring an undesirous end to thy companions, yes?"

"But don't you get it?!"  Rainbow Dash stood up, sneering.  "The only reason I feel horrible about all of this is that I actually have friends again!  I've got a reason to practice harmony, but none of the... y'know..."

"Confidence?

Rainbow slowly shook her head.  "I was gonna say 'virtue,'" she muttered in a distant voice, gazing once more towards the north horizon as a slight chill ran through her body.  "Don't get me wrong, Luna.  Everything is pretty darn straight and cool right now, but... even with all the friends that I've gotten..."  She gulped.  "The monster is still there, y'know?  She still remains, hidden beneath it all with dizzy spells and shivers.  I don't know if she can stick around at the same time as virtue.  One has gotta beat out the other, and with my life being squeezed out of me one month at a time, I'm a bit scared of who's gonna become the champion before all is said and done.  For all I know... I... I-I might lose my friends all over again.  And I'll once more be the pony responsible for it..."

"It is not easy living with the cost of peace, Rainbow Dash," Luna's voice said.  "Much like thee, we too hath ceased keeping score."

Rainbow Dash tilted her muzzle towards the heavens.  "Your Highness...?"

Luna's voice came through solidly, though with a shaky twinge of remorse.  "For millennia hath we and our sister struggled to maintain equilibrium in Equestria, the center of the known world, for it is here in the heart of all that exists that it is most important to combat chaos.  Simply choosing this one necessary spot to control the heavens and the elements has always been a decision that hath cost the well-being of civilization along the outer fringes, much less whatever life may continue to thrive on the dark side..."

Rainbow Dash slowly nodded as she listened.

Luna continued.  "But it is folly to establish a fantastical distance between oneself and the immediate repercussions of one's actions, be they royal or not.  Since the dawn of our prestigious rule, our sister and I have fought several nefarious forces.  Nefarious—in that they hath desired to wield power over those who didst not possess the ability to defend their likelihood.  With the likes of Discord, we resorted towards imprisonment.  When... we were corrupted by the taint of Nightmare Moon, banishment was the chosen option to salvage harmony from the unfortunate situation.  However, such alternate forms of punishment weren't always accessible.  There was once a detestable despot by the name of King Sombra.  He sought to enslave an entire kingdom of ponies, stripping them of both love and harmony.  When we defeated him, his body was utterly destroyed, and his spirit was lost to a chaotic pocket of the world.  We only wish that he was the only example of a battle that ended in the absolute destruction of a potentially redeemable soul..."

Rainbow Dash fidgeted before murmuring, "How m-many ponies, Luna, did you have to take down in the past?"

"It is difficult to say..."

Rainbow Dash winced.  "I was afraid of that.  I'm sorry..."

"No need to apologize.  We simply mean to say that there is no quantifiable number to estimate it."

The pegasus paled upon hearing that.

Thankfully, it wasn't long before Luna continued.  "Very rarely do individual equines become grandiose villains, Rainbow Dash.  Their evil is almost always measured in the minions that they produce out of innocent, needy souls.  When we clashed with the nemeses of harmony in the past, it was seldom with the despots of such movements alone; they brought their armies with them.  As much as we hadst desired to save their misguided souls, and in spite of the majority of spirits we indeed didst bring back to the light, there were inevitably great casualties... too great to document to the full extent of the honor that is due them, though we have endeavored to do so throughout the years, with very little success.  There simply isn't enough stone throughout the whole of Equestria to engrave, Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow shuddered, sitting down on her haunches with a foalish look of regret across her face. "I'm... uh... I-I'm sorry I asked."

"Fret not.  We art not sorry to have answered thee.  There was a time when we rationalized that being in a place of royal leadership meant bearing the burden of unthinkable acts.  In time, however, that changed, for we hath come to realize that it is simply our place to think about them, and to think about them all the time.  As we process morality and ethics, we taketh the opportunity to bequeath mortal ponydom with what we hath learned.  Not to enlighten them, though..."

"Then to do what?"

"To see if they hath an answer to assist us as well.  Immortal or not, we art all the same companions to this universe, and subject to as many of the same laws and bouts of confusion."

Rainbow's lips went tight.  "I guess I should have known better than to expect you to have all the answers, Your Highness..."

"Perhaps it is not so much an answer that thou seeketh, but rather a means to reach your own understanding?  Hence, a manner in which we can relate, child?"

"Oh yeah?  Like how?"

"We too hath wrestled with self-doubt, with the fear that something deep and dark and monstrous exists within us, for—quite simply—it very much does."

Rainbow winced.  "Nightmare Moon..."

The pegasus could almost feel the nodding expression through the pendant.  "Verily..." Luna murmured.  "Not a day goes by when we haven't feared that she might return.  As you can imagine, this would not be an opportune moment for such a horrible taint to infect us again, especially wince we are currently tasked with both the sun as well as the moon."

"Yeesh.  I never once thought of that..."  Rainbow clenched her eyes shut and groaned.  "Chalk another one up to yours truly..."

"It is not our goal to bring thee further guilt—simply to state that we understand fully how difficult it is to wrestle with one's duties to ethics while at the same time possessing a spirit that is completely devoid of it, constantly desiring to gain dominance.  However, it is our firm belief that such a struggle is what giveth us strength."

"Heh... It's not exactly an enjoyable fight, is it?"

"Nay, but it alloweth us to discern equilibrium from chaos, while at the same time not denying ourselves the acknowledgment of the ill-spirited elements that lie on the fringes of our domain.  Thou hath said that thou lost count of the casualties thou hast inflicted since thy journey began, yes?"

"Uhhhh... yeah..."

"Our tally is at twelve."

Rainbow Dash made a retching expression.  "Twelve?  But how could that—"  She immediately winced.  "Oh, jeez... I-I'm sorry, Your Highness.  That was a totally uncool reaction on my part..."

"Fret not, Rainbow Dash.  We completely understandeth thy reaction.  Thou art right to question it, for it doth not reflect the actual number of souls whom our measures to maintain peace hath inevitably brought to an ill-fated end.  Such a number would exceed the tens of thousands.  It is... not something we discuss much in the presence of our subjects, as thou couldst imagine."

Rainbow simply nodded.

"But one day, millennia ago, it occurred to us that to focus all of our emotions on the sheer weight of the number would be self-detrimental.  After all, it is not the number that matters, but the souls attached to it.  To that extent, we picked an arbitrary number, and used that to counterbalance the negative emotions that constantly affected our ability to maintain concentration on our royal duties."

"Okay.  So... uh... why 'twelve?'"

"One for every month of the year."

Rainbow blinked.  "Oh..."

"And so it is, upon every new moon, when the night's sky is the darkest—we taketh the time to visit a memorial erected in the lunar wing of the castle, and we spendeth the entire day in thoughtful meditation... and mourning.  We do not deny ourselves the painful emotions of regret, Rainbow Dash.  We simply corral them, harness them, then exorcise them all in one swift act of careful contemplation.  In such a manner do we embrace the darkness, without giving into it.  For as guilty as we may be, there is still much work to be done, and we cannot allow ourselves to be defeated by regret.  The need for equilibrium in this world outweighs the cost."

"And... uh... you really believe that?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"We hath no choice."

"I just... I just can't believe that it could ever be that simple..."

"We never meant to imply that it was.  However, do ask thyself this, Rainbow Dash.  If thou didn't believe the same—in even the most dire moments of thy battles with the cretins of that landscape—would thy friends still be alive today, and in such a device of conveyance that is currently carrying them out of such dangerous territories?"

Rainbow Dash shuddered, her eyes slightly moist.  "I only wish..."

"Wish what?"

"Th-that I did in fact save all of them..."

There was a pause, but then Luna finally spoke.  "Wouldst thou desire to know a secret, Rainbow Dash?"

"A secret from a princess?"

"Indeed."

"Uhhh... sure.  Shoot."

"It is very rarely possible to save everything... and everypony."  A grave pause.  "Equilibrium, after all, worketh both ways..."

Rainbow Dash couldn't help but snort.  "You call that a secret?"  She smiled bitterly.  "I have no doubt that I'm gonna lose something for saving so many awesome ponies."

"Oh...?"

Rainbow nodded towards the heavens.  "Myself," she droned.