In which evil is revealed, our heroine plays a prank, and Celestia wields the awesome power of pudding.
In a murky cavern a brooding presence lurked. It drifted, unfettered by physical form, a dark miasma invisible to the eye, inaudible to the ear, marked only by the unnatural chill it exuded.
That, and a sense of terrible, terrible patience, worn thin over centuries. Patience ready to fail…
The silence was disturbed by a wet slithering sound, like raw meat sliding off a shelf. The darkness stirred, focusing its attention on the deliberate clopping of hooves on stone. There was something wrong with the cadence of those hooves, a certain hesitation between steps that spoke to the deepest instincts of the listener, whispering flee before it finds you...
The still air bore a faint stench of rotting flesh that grew stronger as the hoof beats neared. The darkness coiled, a sense of eager anticipation oozing from it.
No living eyes could pierce the darkness of that stygian grotto, yet the presence within and the owner of the hooves had no trouble seeing one another. Wordlessly the flayed and bleeding pony turned its head and retrieved something from its tattered saddlebag, sightless eyes locked unerringly on the lurking presence as it displayed its prize.
Without hesitation the darkness reached out to take the offering—a single black crystal still glowing with the remnants of corrupted alicorn magic.
A deep booming victorious laugh spilled from the darkness. The sound was faint, as though coming from a great distance, yet the sound filled the cavern and dripped from the walls like aural putrescence.
ooOoo
As the distance closed Teagan watched Stomper closely, waiting for some tell-tale signal of his intended attack. It didn’t come until he was almost on top of her and she had started to sidestep and swing.
Stomper sproinked, leaping straight upward at full gallop. Crush passed harmlessly under his hooves. Teagan hadn’t known ponies could do that, the only animal she’d ever heard of that could was a saluki, a sight hound from the Middle East that Matt had once told her about.
As he passed her the pony’s rear hooves lashed out. If Crush hadn’t yanked her downward unexpectedly those hooves would have crashed into her shoulder, ending the spar. As it was, she felt the breeze as they passed overhead, and they actually touched the ends of her up-flung hair.
Crush’s save left her skidding on the ground, unprepared as Stomper landed and spun impossibly fast. He charged forward to trample her and Crush had to yank her sideways as Stomper hopped lightly so his trample attack wouldn’t be fatal.
He seemed surprised to find her rolling to her feet five feet from him. She didn’t give him time to recover, charging straight at him with Crush leveled in front of her like a spear. She saw him grin as he spun and reared in one fluid motion to meet her charge. His front hoof came sideways in a movement impossible for a real horse, knocking Crush sideways, his head coming down for a bite that would end the spar.
Teagan fell flat, and slid under him on her back, bringing Crush up as she passed between his rear legs. There was another, much more muted clang.
Crush pulled her clear as Stomper suddenly sat down.
“Ow,” he said quietly after a moment. Teagan came to her feet and relaxed, sheathing Crush.
The crowd was silent, unsure of what was going on. As the girl approached the sitting stallion, giving him a respectfully wide berth the whispers began.
“That was the most intense spar I’ve ever had,” Teagan said, bowing. “Thank you, Stomper. Are you all right?”
The stallion gave her a weak grin. “I will be. You fight dirty, Your Majesty. Congratulations on your victory,” he did a half bow from his seated position.
At Stomper’s words the crowd broke into uncertain cheers, led by a snickering Rainbow Dash. Several of the Hooves winced before starting the rhythmic stomping that Equestrians used as applause.
Heavy Hoof approached them. “It seems you’ll be joining us after all, Lady Teagan. Stomper, are you fit for duty?”
“Yes sir. Just give me a moment,” the pony said with a grimace. “I’d like to report discovering a small flaw in our armor, sir.”
Heavy Hoof chuckled. “I’m told there isn’t a lot to be done about that particular flaw, soldier. I am surprised Lady Teagan was able to exploit it, though.”
“You said you wanted a low down dirty brawl, Commander,” Teagan said mildly. “That’s exactly how I’ve been trained to fight. I do hope there are no lasting effects, Stomper. I deliberately pulled my blow.”
“Which I appreciate, believe me,” Stomper said, rising with a wince. “Ready for duty, Commander!” He gave the almost Roman salute, bringing his foreleg across his chest in another move anatomically impossible for horses.
The cheering and stomping was dying down and the three separated to get ready for the upcoming march.
“I can’t believe you did that!” Rainbow Dash said, laughing manically. “That was awesome.”
“Kinda a low blow, weren’t it?” Applejack asked disapprovingly.
“In a real fight anything goes, Applejack,” Teagan said easily. “That’s why I try to keep out of them.”
“Yes, well, Darling I wouldn’t dream of asking you to hold back when it comes to rescuing my precious sister,” Rarity said seriously. “I’m sure you know best how to go about it. Just be a dear and hurt them, would you?”
“I think that’s a given, Rarity,” Teagan said grimly.
“I still don’t know what you did,” Twilight complained. “You must have hit him again but I didn’t see it. Did you hit him in the back of the knees? Is that why he sat down? I know the armor doesn’t cover the legs but wasn’t that dangerous? You could have really hurt him.”
Rainbow Dash stared disbelievingly at her friend. “Twilight, are you serious?”
“What? I couldn’t see! The angle was wrong,” Twilight complained.
“She didn’t hit his legs, Twilight,” Fluttershy murmured, blushing just a bit.
Pinkie whispered something in Twilight’s ear and stood back, grinning.
“What?” The alicorn blushed, turning deep violet. “Teagan, how could you?”
Teagan shrugged. “Whatever it takes, Twilight. Besides, I didn’t hit him hard,” she grinned. “I didn’t need to. But I did need to win the spar. Rescuing Sweetie Belle is the only thing that matters here.”
Twilight shuddered. “I guess you’re right. Remind me never to make you angry.”
“Well, let’s go, Teelo,” Pinkie said cheerfully. “We’ll see you later, girls. Time to rescue Sweetie Belle!”
“Wait, Pinkie? You’re going with them?” Rainbow Dash asked in surprise.
“Yuppers! Cerise wants to be there. She says between the two of us we can probably sneak in and out with Sweetie Belle before those big ponies stomp the bad guys. We don’t want her getting hurt,” Pinkie’s face lost its smile, turning serious. “The Hooves play rough and she’s already hurting.”
Teagan winced, wondering if another argument with Commander Hoof was in her immediate future.
She and Pinkie joined Dawn Spire where she was speaking to the Commander and his unicorn subordinate. The group was concentrating on a map.
He looked up, frowning a moment at Pinkie Pie.
“What’s she doing here?” He asked with a neutral expression.
“She’s coming with us to extract Sweetie Belle before the attack,” Teagan said. Pinkie grinned at him and waved a hoof.
“I’m already making an exception for you, Lady Teagan,” he said, scowling. “But this mare is just a baker. She would compromise the mission!”
Before Pinkie could protest and cement his opinion of her, Teagan put her hand on the mare’s shoulder.
“This is Pinkamena Diane Pie, one of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony,” Teagan said quietly. “She faced Tišina in her lair, Commander, and in single combat cut off Tišina’s tentacles and brought them back. She also blew Tišina’s brains all over the glacier. It was her plan that finally turned Tišina to stone once and for all.”
She stared at him, daring him to say anything. To his credit his face turned thoughtful as he studied the whimsical pink mare.
“That was actually Cerise, Teelo,” Pinkie corrected the girl. “I was off looking for Garnet when Cerise had that argument with Tišina. And she shot Tišina with Berry Fudge Gumball. She was the one who told me about the poison joke too.”
“Cerise? You want to bring along yet another pony, Lady Teagan?”
“Pinkie, let’s keep Cerise our little secret, okay?” Teagan said hastily. “Commander, if we need her Cerise will be there. Otherwise, you’ll never see her,” Teagan shivered, making Heavy Hoof’s eyebrows rise. “And that’s a very good thing, believe me.”
“Besides, hopefully we won’t need her. Pinkie Pie’s got some weird magic that baffles even Princess Celestia,” Teagan continued. “Magic that lets her pop out of places she couldn’t possibly get into. Do things no other pony can. As assets go she’s a godsend. She can probably get Sweetie Belle out of the villains’ lair before we hit it. What’s that worth to you?”
“Can you get her out?” Heavy Hoof asked. Pinkie Pie nodded.
“Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy!” Pinkie said brightly. “And if I can’t I bet Cerise can!”
Teagan winced. Heavy Hoof’s eyes narrowed.
“You vouch for her, Lady Teagan? And this Cerise too?”
“Yes, Commander. They saved the world. I think we can trust them to help us rescue a filly,” Teagan said.
“Very well. Don’t make me regret this,” Heavy Hoof said. “We have the filly’s location now so we’ll be moving out immediately.”
“Where is she?” Teagan asked.
“About an hour’s march south of here,” the Commander said. “Some place called Froggy Bottom Swamp. There’s a cliff with some caves on the northern side. She’s apparently in the caves. We’ll be able to pinpoint her location when we get closer.”
“But the trail led north,” Teagan said uncertainly. “They lost her after a dragon—”
“Flew them south,” Heavy Hoof said. “A very simple but brilliant strategy. Without the compasses we’d be looking in exactly the wrong direction,” he nodded his thanks to Dawn Spire, who smiled.
“Whoever they are they’re clever,” Dawn Spire said, turning serious. “Be careful, Commander. That magic user might be trouble.”
“Heh. The Fixers will take care of it,” Heavy Hoof snorted. “There’s an advantage in being an integrated unit, Dawn Spire. The Horns aren’t the only ones with tricks up their horns.”
“Yes, well check out this trick, Commander,” Fairy Shimmer spoke up, gesturing to a large globe glowing on her own table. They gathered around the globe, which was filled with the scene of a swamp. There was a cave in the background. Fairy Shimmer’s horn emitted a burst of turquoise light and the focus changed, showing the muddy ground in front of the cave, which was churned up from the passage of many creatures. The globe zoomed in on one clear imprint on the edge of the churned area. A three toed track, some six feet long according to the red measuring line that appeared in the globe. Next to it was a pair of hoof prints and, half-obscured from traffic, a print that could have been made by a troll.
“I’d say that’s pretty solid confirmation,” Teagan said softly. “How far can you get inside the cave?”
“Not far. The cliff is made of basalt. This portable unit doesn’t have any magical boosting behind it, just my own magic. I can’t punch a scrying point through more than a few inches of that stuff. Even if Dawn Spire helped boost the power we’d probably only double the penetration. The big unit back at headquarters could go deeper, but probably not through more than twenty feet of it.”
“How complicated is the spell that runs this thing?” Teagan asked, getting an idea.
“Fairly high,” the unicorn replied. “Eighth circle, why?”
“Would Twilight know it?” Teagan asked. Fairy Shimmer shook her head, dashing Teagan’s hopes.
“We could ask her, but I doubt it. It’s pretty specialized. And not a spell we teach just anyone. If she doesn’t already know the spell it would take her days to learn it.”
“You said something about boosting the power? How hard would that be? Twilight’s an alicorn. She’s got power to burn.”
“Oooh,” Fairy Shimmer grinned. “That might actually work. She did help Princess Luna raise the sun, so she must know Wind Spear’s Succor. The boosting spell is just a variant of that. If she doesn’t already know it I could teach it to her in a few minutes.”
“How much depth would that buy you?” Teagan asked.
The turquoise unicorn considered. “This little unit’s rated for a kilothaum I think,” she murmured thoughtfully. “Right now I’m feeding it about a tenth of that. Dawn Spire’s boost would equal mine, so if Twilight took Dawn Spire’s place…hmm. Maybe five feet?”
“So only five feet in?” Teagan asked, disappointed. “That’s not very far.”
“No, five feet of rock,” Fairy Shimmer corrected her. “It depends on how thick the cave wall is, how the cave is laid out, and which angle the signal has to take to reach us here. If we’re lucky we could probably move the sensor into a large open area and see most of it. It also depends on light sources because this unit can’t see in the dark.”
“What about wards?” Meteor Swarm asked suddenly. “Hate to trip something and let them know we’re coming.”
“It can’t see wards either,” Fairy Shimmer said apologetically.
Heavy Hoof sighed. “Why is it never simple? Swarm’s right. We don’t dare let them know we found their base. Right now they’re sitting fat, happy, and stupid. Even if they find out we’ve been deployed they don’t know we know where they are. If your scrying tripped a ward we’d lose the element of surprise. Shut it down, please. The last thing we need is for it to be picked up on a routine magic sweep.”
Obediently, the picture in the globe vanished.
“Time to move out. Hope you know how to run, Lady Teagan. We’re going to be moving at a trot, so keep up or go home,” Heavy Hoof said. “Sergeant Boulder! Move ‘em out!”
“Yes, sir!” A heavyset pony bellowed back. He had the platoon readied to move by the time his commander joined him.
Teagan found herself rapidly falling behind as the platoon trotted out of town. At a trot they could move almost as fast as she could run flat out. Pinkie stayed with her, offering encouragement. But five minutes after they’d left the platoon was gone, already out of sight.
“I’m sorry, Pinkie. I just can move that fast,” Teagan leaned over, breathing hard. The commander had said the bad guys were an hour away. There was no way she could run for an entire hour. Even if she could she’d be exhausted and useless by the time she got there.
“That stupid Heavy Hoof! He made me spar for nothing! What a jerk,” Slowly her breathing slowed down.
“So he played a prank on you?” Pinkie Pie asked, grinning widely. “Why don’t we play one on him?”
“I’m listening,” Teagan said, a slow smile starting to spread as Pinkie explained her idea.
ooOoo
“Snowy’s got something closing on our position, Commander,” Meteor Swarm said, breaking the silence fifteen minutes into the march. “Aerial, moving over three times the speed of a chariot. Hang on, now Moonstone’s got something closing on the ground as well. He’s reporting it moving nearly as fast as the one in the air!”
“Give me details, Swarm,” Heavy Hoof growled. “Boulder, get Fire Rain to deal with the air threat. I want the Hammerheads between the rest of the platoon and the ground threat.”
“Yes Sir!” The sergeant broke into a gallop to relay the instructions quietly.
“Aerial incoming, ten seconds!” Meteor Swarm warning the commander, his horn lighting up with a combat spell. Heavy Hoof spotted the target it streaked overhead, a flaming scarlet shape that rapidly dove at the ground a hundred yards ahead, hitting the ground hard enough the pony expected it to make a crater.
“Land bound contact in thirty!” The unicorn reported tensely. Sure enough a pink blur sped by them right on schedule, coming to stop beside the aerial.
Heavy Hoof gaped for a moment, and then angrily told his second to give the all clear. Stalking forward he confronted the two newcomers.
“Do you two have any idea how stupid that was?” He growled. Pinkie Pie grinned at him while Teagan smiled.
“Just catching up to you, Commander. You left us to our own devices back in town. That was a bit rude. I told you I had to be the one to deal with the troll. Now, since you’ve forced us to make our own travel arrangements we’ll see you when you get there. Don’t be late.”
Teagan and Pinkie turned to go.
“All right, it was a trick,” Heavy Hoof admitted. “I was trying to keep the two of you safe. Lady Teagan if anything happens to you while you’re in Equestria you know the trolls will blame us. Not to mention Celestia would have my commission if I allowed any harm to come to one of the Bearers. Sorry for trying to protect you.”
His voice was laced with sarcasm.
Teagan turned back but Pinkie beat her to the punch.
“Silly! You don’t have to protect us! We’re here to protect you,” Pinkie said, winking. “These Meanie McMeaniepants stole Rarity’s sister and that’s just not right! They hurt her, and if we don’t act quick they’re gonna hurt her really bad. That makes Cerise super-mad and she might not listen to me when we get there. Well, at least not once we get Sweetie Belle out, that is. Then they better look out!”
“What she said,” Teagan nodded. “There’s a dragon and a troll and who knows how many magic users and assorted nasties waiting for us. You’re going to need as many heavy hitters as you can get. She’s a walking artillery battery and I can literally collapse that damn cliff on their heads before they know what hit them. Really want to turn down that kind of firepower?”
Heavy Hoof studied the two of them. “Is it true a troll can’t tell a lie, Lady Teagan?”
“It’s more accurate to say they won’t tell a lie, Commander,” Teagan said. “That troll I’m after—well he really isn’t a troll anymore. Not after what he did to Sweetie Belle.”
“So what is he, Lady Teagan?” Heavy Hoof asked carefully.
“A walking corpse,” Teagan said flatly, feeling her temper flare and not caring. “A corpse I’m going to bury once and for all so he can’t hurt anyone else.”
Heavy Hoof stared at her, suddenly wondering if she was more dangerous than the dragon.
ooOoo
Emma and Søyle were shown into Celestia’s private dining room at six o’clock. The teen was surprised to find half a dozen ponies already seated at the large table, but no sign of the princess. A polite servant led them to their seats, which Emma saw were at the head of the table, next to the empty Royal cushions. She knew that meant they were being honored.
It made her determined to be on her best behavior since these ponies were almost certainly nobility, judging from the quality of their clothing and the jewelry several were sporting. In fact, they were the first ponies she’d seen wearing clothing at all since she’d arrived in Equestria.
Søyle’s place was on the right side of Celestia’s empty seat while to its left sat an unoccupied silver and blue cushion.
Søyle moved silently and gracefully to take her seat. Her place setting was raised a full two feet from the surface of the table to accommodate her large frame.
As Emma sat carefully she noted the table height was much lower than she was used to but still manageable. She had just settled when the mare next to her coughed delicately.
“Good evening. You must be a friend of Lady Teagan’s,” the fuchsia and chartreuse pony said. She was wearing a silver band set with pearls that circled her brow. Emma knew that marked her as some kind of noble. “I was given to understand Lady Teagan would be joining us tonight.”
“She had planned to,” Emma said carefully, “but an emergency came up. Hopefully she should return later tonight.”
“An emergency? How awful!” The pony raised a manicured hoof to her muzzle. “It didn’t have anything to do with that dreadful Tišina did it?”
“No, nothing like that,” the girl hastily reassured the pony, unsure of exactly how much she should say. “I’m Emma, by the way.”
“Charmed, Lady Emma,” the pony dipped her head regally. “I am Baroness Splendid Light and very happy to make your acquaintance. May I enquire who your companion might be?”
“I am Kona Søyle, consort of Kongen Fjell,” the troll replied with a nod.
“The King’s wife?” Splendid Light's smile widened slightly. “Should I address you as Your Majesty then?”
“No,” Søyle smiled, deliberately letting her incisors show for just a moment. “That honor falls to the Dronning av Fjellet, she you call Lady Teagan.”
Emma could feel the steel in that exchange although she had no idea why the two were at odds. She was surprised Søyle was being so low key about it, from what Teagan had told her about trolls she would have expected Søyle to snarl. She flashed back to Søyle raising scarlet claws that gleamed wetly in the sun…
“Would it be forward of me to ask what emergency detained Her Majesty?” Splendid Light asked with careful courtesy.
“A matter of state,” Søyle replied easily. “I believe it involved a consultation concerning a confrontation between a pony and a troll.”
Søyle, what are you doing? Emma wondered, quickly deciding she wanted no part of the cat fight brewing between Søyle and the baroness.
“Yes, well that’s no surprise, really. Ponies and trolls don’t mix well. Much like oil and water,” Splendid Light said quietly. “Our cultures are so very different after all.”
“It is the Dronning’s belief ponies and trolls can live together in peace,” Søyle said, watching the pony with a distinct lack of expression. “She has made this quite clear. It is her will.”
“Given how—excitable—trolls are, perhaps that peace could be best achieved by limiting contact?” Splendid Light suggested innocently.
“The Dronning feels otherwise,” Søyle said as if that settled the matter. “I see the Princess hasn’t arrived yet. Is she feeling well? She did not seem herself this afternoon.”
“She assured everyone it was only a minor magical mishap. Nothing to be concerned about,” Splendid Light replied. “Ah! In fact here she is now.”
Rising, the pony went into a full bow. Søyle rose to her feet and bowed her head. Emma quickly jumped up and attempted a curtsey, although her jeans and tee shirt rather dampened the effort. The other ponies were also bowing.
Princess Luna was walking closely beside her sister, and in truth Celestia seemed a bit off to the teen. She moved carefully, with just the slightest hesitation in her step.
“Please, everyone be seated,” Celestia said kindly. “I’m sorry to keep you waiting. Marigold, would you tell the servers to begin dinner please?”
The dark gold pony bowed lightly and left the room.
Within seconds serving ponies were bringing in the first course, a colorful salad which they placed before everyone except the troll.
“Søyle, Emma, how nice to see you again,” Celestia smiled at them, her blue and white face and baby-duck voice clashing horribly with her regal bearing. It didn’t particularly bother Emma but she couldn’t help noticing the other ponies were subtly trying to avoid looking at their ruler, and flinched whenever she spoke.
“Your Highness, thank you for inviting us,” Søyle said in a smooth mellow bass. “I was just getting acquainted with Baroness Splendid Light. We were discussing some of our cultural differences.”
“Oh? It’s always intriguing to compare one’s own culture with that of another species,” Princess Celestia said, smiling widely. “For example, did you know in the Gryphon Kingdoms when a young griff becomes engaged it is customary for him to bring a deer he caught himself for the engagement feast?”
The Baroness dropped her fork which made a musical chime as it struck the crystal bowl.
“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said, blushing. “Pardon me.”
Emma noticed the fork trembled slightly in the unicorn’s magical grip as she went back to eating her salad.
“I did not know that, Your Highness,” Søyle said, smiling. “A most sensible custom indeed. He thus proves himself able to provide for his family to be. Alas, I have met only a handful of griffins. The World Below is not to their taste. A proud race, and fierce, from what I have seen.”
“They are,” Celestia said, nodding. “And they love intrigue. Many treat it as an art form.”
“Indeed? Among trolls only the Snøskred and Alene enjoy such games. The average troll prefers a more straightforward negotiation,” she paused as a server laid a plate in front of her. “Ah, rock larvae! However did you obtain them, Your Highness?” Søyle asked, apparently delighted at a pair of what looked like elongated rocks on her sturdy plate. She picked one up and without apparent effort tore it open with a loud crack to reveal a pale golden color that reminded Emma of grilled shrimp. The girl blinked at the thickness of the shell, she’d have needed a hammer and chisel to break one open.
“One of your retinue mentioned rock larvae were your favorite so I had some flown in especially for you. I hope they’re to your taste.”
Søyle used what looked to Emma like a lobster pick to pull the meat from inside the shell. The troll took a big sliver and ate it with surprising delicacy for such a large creature.
“Superb, Your Highness,” Søyle said with obvious appreciation. “Your reputation as a matchless hostess is well deserved.”
“I’m so glad you’re enjoying them,” Celestia smiled and began to eat her own salad.
“Emma would you like some?” Søyle offered.
“Yes, please. Just a little piece, so I can taste it,” Emma said. The smell was wonderful, and the chunk Søyle passed her more than generous.
“Oh, that is good,” Emma said, after chewing and swallowing. She was suddenly aware that all the ponies except Celestia and Luna were watching her with a kind of blank horror. “It reminds me of Alaskan snow crab.”
“What is a snow crab?” Søyle asked with an interested expression.
“It’s a sea creature that has eight legs and a shell over its entire body. Big huge pincers too,” Emma said. “Snow crabs come from Alaska, that’s in the far north of my world, where ice and snow stick around most of the year.”
“You eat meat, then?” A strangled voice from across the table asked. The speaker was a tall white unicorn with golden mane and blue eyes that were now somewhat wide and glazed with dismay.
“Um, actually humans are omnivorous,” Emma said. “We eat meat and fish and fruit and vegetables and oh, grains and um, well just about anything really. But not hay. Or flowers. Or, uh…” She trailed off, seeing the unicorn shiver. “Are you all right?”
“Actually, I’m suddenly feeling a bit under the weather,” the unicorn said, sweating just a bit. “Aunt Celly, I’m dreadfully sorry, but I’m afraid I will have to withdraw. My sincerest apologies to you and your guests.”
“Oh, dear. Of course, Prince Blueblood, I hope you feel better tomorrow,” Princess Celestia said in a kindly voice.
“I’m certain I shall, Aunty. Good night and enjoy your meal,” the unicorn stood and beat a hasty retreat.
“I hope I didn’t upset him,” Emma said, feeling about two inches tall.
“Nonsense, child. We are certain our nephew is simply suffering from a delicate constitution,” Luna said in a voice that carried throughout the room.”
“Thank you, Your Highness,” Emma said nervously.
“Thee art welcome,” Luna said. “However, we have a question. If thy species is omnivorous why canst thou not eat hay?”
“It’s because we can’t digest cellulose, Your Highness,” Emma said. “It has something to do with which bacteria live in our gut. Horses—well, ponies, have the correct bacteria while humans don’t. I believe ponies have a longer digestive tract as well.”
“Fascinating. Art thou then a scientist in thy world?” Luna asked with obvious interest.
“Oh no, Your Highness. I’m still a student. We covered the digestive system last year in one of my classes.”
There was a sudden, unmistakable noise and a rainbow appeared from behind Celestia, who looked surprised. Every eye in the room followed the brilliant band of light as it twisted and spun near the ceiling, only to abruptly dive and streak through the window.
“Okay, that was different,” Emma spoke without thinking. Suddenly the room was filled with music, a tune that Emma instantly recognized. Except she’d never heard it played on kazoos before…
“What in the world?” She twisted around to look for the source of the music.
“Sister, we had thought them safely contained,” Luna said, a look of dread crossing her face.
“So did I,” Celestia said, her head drooping as she closed her eyes. Around the table ponies were discreetly craning their necks to find the musicians.
The door the Royal sisters had used to enter the room swung partway open, and the music suddenly swelled in volume. Through the door several diminutive figures marched, playing drums and kazoos.
“Oh, no,” Celestia groaned under her breath.
“Are those Smurfs?” Emma asked, jaw falling open. “You have Smurfs in Equestria?”
“Is that what those infuriating pests are called?” Luna asked, rising to her feet a glow beginning to surround her horn.
“Leave them, Luna,” Celestia spoke, raising her head. “It doesn’t do any good. I tried. Repeatedly.”
The six inch high blue humanoids wearing white pants and matching hats burst into song, much to Celestia’s visible dismay.
Da-da-dum-da-de-da-dum-dum
Da-da-dum-da-de-da-dum-dum
Um-pa-lum-pa-la-la
“Please don’t sing,” Celestia groaned.
They’re creepy and they’re kooky
Insidious and goopy
They’re altogether ooky
Intestinal Gases!
They smell like mausoleums
when nopony sees’em
Still makes the ponies scream
Intestinal Gases!
(Silent)
(Butt)
(Deadly)
So get that nosebag all on
Pine scent that you can spray on,
You’re gonna groan and crawl on
In—tes—tin—al Gas—es!
And with that, the musicians bowed to the assembled ponies and scampered back through the door they had come through, leaving it ajar.
The room was absolutely silent. Celestia raised her head, took a deep breath, and continued eating her salad as though nothing had happened. After a moment Princess Luna followed suit.
Taking their cue from the princesses the guests resumed eating, not actually daring to say anything.
The salad course was followed by a mushroom and tofu soup. It was quite good, but even though her hosts had thoughtfully given her filly-sized portions it was still a lot of food, and Emma wasn’t sure how many courses to expect.
The third course turned out to be the main course, and a huge surprise to the pony guests. It looked like meat, and smelled like meat—Emma thought it was some kind of chicken with barbeque sauce, of all things.
“Your Highness, has there been some kind of error in the kitchen?” An older stallion with a bright golden coat and copper red mane asked, staring at his plate. “I fully understand bringing in a non-pony chef for our esteemed guests, but was it communicated to him that ponies would be dining as well?”
“Why, whatever do you mean, Duke Shimmerling?” Celestia asked innocently. She cut a small piece of her meal and ate it with every indication of enjoyment, much to the shock of the ponies present.
Emma cut a small piece of her own meal and tried it. It was good—and she could have sworn it was chicken. No wonder the ponies were staring at their plates in growing horror. Teagan had told her about the whole “no meat” thing and why it was a big deal in Equestria.
So it couldn’t be meat. But it sure tasted like the best barbeque chicken she’d ever had.
“Um, excuse me, Your Highness?” Emma asked diffidently.
“Yes, Emma?” Celestia asked with a smile.
“What do you call this dish?” Emma tried to make her question casual.
“Don’t you recognize it?” Celestia asked, raising her eyebrows. “Matthew assured me it tasted exactly like one of his favorite dishes on your world.”
“Um, yes it does,” Emma said, watching Celestia’s eyes twinkle. Something was up. She glanced around the table, seeing ponies look at her and then at their plates, eyes widening and irises shrinking. “That’s why I’m asking. Because if this is what I think it is, you wouldn’t be eating it. So it can’t be what it tastes like.”
Curious, Søyle sampled her own food. “This is quite good! But…” She gave Celestia a startled look as she caught on.
“I can assure you, Your Grace, there was no mistake. This dish is quite good,” Celestia said to the Duke. “Won’t you try some? Luna, you aren’t eating. Is something the matter?”
The Duke looked down at his plate and back into the eyes of his princess. He seemed to be worried about something.
“Neigh, sister, we are simply curious what the dish might be called,” Luna said. Turning to Emma she enquired. “Thou seemest to recognize it Lady Emma. What is this dish called in your world?”
“With all due respect, Your Highness, I know this can’t be what I think it is,” Emma demurred. “So I’d rather not say if you don’t mind. It might make you—unhappy.”
“Oh?” She turned to Celestia. “Dost thee jest with us, dear sister?” Luna’s face was so composed that Emma suddenly realized the dark blue alicorn was in on the joke.
“I would never pull a prank on such distinguished guests, Luna,” Celestia said calmly eating another bite of her dinner. “However, as the subject of cultural differences seems to be on everypony’s mind lately I thought our main course would be a good time to introduce a human cultural difference to both ponies and trolls. I can assure you however this particular meal is delicious, nutritious, and in no way objectionable. So please, my little ponies, I ask that you indulge in some enjoyable cross-cultural exchange.”
Luna cut a tiny piece of the food on her plate and cautiously chewed it, swallowing. A thoughtful pause followed.
“Hmm. Slightly salty, yet the glaze is both sweet and tart. The taste is quite unusual. We do not believe we have encountered it before.
Emboldened by Luna’s description the other guests cautiously sampled their food. Several began to eat with every sign of enjoyment while others remained reluctant, clearly only finishing the course to avoid appearing to doubt their sovereign’s word.
Emma dug in with great enjoyment, managing to finish her portion without being totally stuffed. She suspected the last course would be desert and, given she was dining with royalty, was likely to be completely mind-blowing.
When everyone had finished the course, Princess Celestia cleared her throat.
“Now that everyone has had a chance to sample the main course I will tell you it is called gari barbakoa. It is made from wheat and spices in a secret process that the griffin chef Luma Atzapar has perfected. I’m sure many of you have enjoyed meals at the Griffonia, have you not?” She smiled around the table and her guests relaxed with relieved smiles.
“Now, Emma, why don’t you tell everyone what you thought it was?” Princess Celestia asked sweetly.
“Are you really sure you want me to do that?” Emma asked cautiously.
“Of course. We are all ponies of the world here, Emma. Don’t be concerned.”
“If you say so. I thought it was barbecue chicken,” Emma said, bracing herself.
It took a half beat. Ponies looked puzzled and then jaws dropped and betrayed glances turned toward Celestia.
“Calm yourselves, my little ponies. You ate wheat, not the remains of an animal. However, the taste and texture were apparently so perfect it fooled even Emma, who has eaten the original dish. No creatures were harmed in the making of this meal. So rejoice that you have gotten to share an experience from a culture vastly different from our own,” Celestia paused.
“I would also point out the more one learns of another’s culture and beliefs, the more perspective it grants on one’s own. Let us all keep this in mind in the days to come as we work to establish peaceful interaction with our newfound kin from the World Below.”
Princess Celestia used her magic to ring a small bell. When Marigold appeared the Princess nodded to her. Marigold bowed and left the room.
“Since the first two courses were undeniably pony cuisine, and the main course was a human dish, I thought it appropriate if dessert were troll fare. It’s called søt sopp fløte. It’s a type of pudding, in which you dip the mushroom sticks that come with it. The sticks are cut from a giant mushroom that grows in Hejm and then baked. I’ve been fortunate enough to have this dessert on a number of occasions and can tell you it is exquisite.”
And with that she took up a stick in her magic, dipping it into the pale blue pudding. She popped the stick in her mouth and chewed slowly, eyes closed and clearly savoring the treat. Seeing her delight the guests were far less wary than they had been of the gari and dug in with gusto.
Emma took a bite and froze as an explosion of flavor assaulted her. The mushroom stick was very spicy however the pudding was intensely sour while just sweet enough to keep it from being bitter. The only thing Emma could compare it to was a really intense key-lime pie—although the pudding certainly didn’t taste like lime. It didn’t taste like anything she’d ever had.
She finished it in spite of already being uncomfortably full, and regretted there wasn’t more.
“That was incredible!” She said to Søyle with a wide grin. “What was it?”
“Søt sopp fløte,” Søyle said.
“Yes, but what does that mean?” The girl asked.
“Sweet fungus pudding,” Søyle replied. “The makilak are made from a mushroom that grows as large as the trees of the World Above. It was quite good. I’m surprised ponies know how to make it properly.”
“I took the liberty of asking the Kongen for a skilled chef during your stay,” Celestia said with a smile.
“Your talents as a hostess are indeed without equal, Your Highness,” Søyle nodded her head in respect.
“The food was wonderful, Your Highness!” Emma said, pressing one hand against her too full belly. “Teelo’s going to kick herself for missing this.”
After a few more pleasantries the Princess took her leave and the remarkable dinner was over. Emma and Søyle were escorted back to their suite. Emma spent the walk thinking about everything that had happened. She was fairly sure a great deal of diplomacy had occurred at dinner, but for the life of her she couldn’t decide exactly what had been accomplished, other than a firm belief that the dinner had gone exactly as Celestia had planned.
Well, aside from the Smurfs that is…