//------------------------------// // Sense and Sensibility and Children's Card Games // Story: Screw the Magic, I Have Friendship! // by Supahsnail //------------------------------// Yugi Moto wasn’t exactly a normal Japanese teenager. He was barely over four feet tall, had spiky, black hair with a purple outline that made it look like a giant, black starfish was stuck on the back of his head, he only spoke in English (Which actually was normal for some reason), and he was freaking adorable! If you look directly at him for too long, you might contract diabetes. Do you see what I’m getting at? He’s very cute! There was one other, even stranger thing about Yugi. He had a golden, pyramid shaped necklace around his neck that appeared to be very uncomfortable. It contained untold magical powers that could allow an ancient Pharaoh, named Yami, to take over his body at any given time. Yugi usually did this to cheat at children’s card games. Because that’s what you do with magical powers, you cheat on card games. Yugi was in a dark alleyway on a morning so early that the sun had yet to come out. On his left arm, he had a duel disk, a needlessly complicated piece of machinery created for the purpose of enhancing a children’s card game. Behind him, his closest friends, and a couple of other people who follow him around all of the time, were standing, and looking nervous. Their names were Tristan, Joey, Tea and Duke Devlin. On the other side of the alley, stood Seto Kaiba, a genius, and extremely rich teen with a surprisingly slick white jacket and an ego roughly one thousand times the size of Yugi’s ridiculous hair. Behind Kiba was his little brother, Mokuba, a small child with puffy black hair and an annoying voice that made him sound like he had a cold. “I don’t like this Yug,” Joey said. He was Yugi’s closest friend and spoke in a Brooklyn accent for some reason. “You’ve beaten Kaiba plenty of times before, but something about this makes me nervous.” “Don’t worry, Joey,” Yugi assured, “Kaiba’s my arch nemesis, and I’m the main character. That means that his only purpose in life is to continuously fail until everyone gets bored of him and they write him off the show.” “I can hear you!” Kaiba shouted angrily. “Just look at it this way. In a few hours the sun will rise!” Tristan said to Yugi in a voice that sounded strangely similar to Barney the Dinosaur. “That’s right, Tristan!” Yugi agreed, “But before that I have to beat my arch rival again in a game of Duel Monsters!” Joey added, “You know, Yug, I read the other day that there are some places in Japan where people actually speak Japanese instead of English, and rivalries like this are solved with violence instead of playing card games! Can you believe how f***ed up that is?” Yugi agreed, “Pretty f***ed up, Joey.” “Can we start this duel already?” Kaiba demanded impatiently, “If my ego stays in one small alleyway like this for too long, it begins to cause structural damage!” Yugi was about to deliver a passive aggressive reply when Bakura, a short teenager from Yugi’s class with puffy white hair showed up at the end of the alley and said, “I say, Yugi, can I be in this fanfiction?” Everyone else in the alley replied with a sharp “No!” and Tristan added, “Go back home, you limey!” “Oh, bugger!” Bakura said disappointed as he left the way he came. Kaiba stepped forward and extended his duel disk in a needlessly dramatic fashion. “Are we gonna play a card game, or does Seto need to slap a bitch?” “You know, Kaiba, I used to be a lot like you,” said Yugi as he shuffled his deck. “How dare you relate yourself to me, Seto Freaking Kaiba!” Kaiba said without a hint of humbleness. “What makes you think you could ever compare to me!?” Yugi answered, “Because, Kaiba, when I was a newborn baby, I too whined like a little bitch all of the time and had no friends. The only difference was that I had a family that cared about me. How’s your ego now, Kaiba?” Kaiba was completely speechless. “That was pretty f***ed up, Yug…” Joey said seriously. “Pretty f***ed up, Joey,” said Yugi. “If you two are done making season zero references, we have a card game to play!” Kaiba said. Yugi put on a face of determination and readied his duel disk. “Right!” he said seriously. His Millennium Necklace gave of a golden light and a mysterious wind surrounded his body. “Obligatory, overly exaggerated anime transformation sequence GO!” He cried. For some reason, whenever Yami took control of his body, his physical appearance changed as well, his eyes got sharper, making him look more serious and less adorable; his hair got even bigger and he grew a few inches (Though he was still quite short). His voice became deep and manly, with a slight cocky tone to it. “I’m ready when you are, Kaiba,” Yami stated. Kaiba drew his first hand saying, “Let’s see how confident you are once I summon my Blue Peeps Whitey Dragon! …I mean, Blue Eyes White Dragon!” Yami took a card from his hand and said, “I’ll go first. I summon THIS CARD!” “Oh yeah? Well I summon THIS CARD!” “So I’ll summon THIS CARD!” “Then I summon THIS CARD!” “I activate THIS CARD!” “I sacrifice this card to summon THIS CARD!” “This is so epic!” Joey said. “It’s like watching a Michael Bay Movie, only with a slightly less ridiculous plot!” “I’m going to put this card in face down position,” Yami announced. “You’re done for, Yugi!” Kaiba said. “I sacrifice all of my monsters to summon Blue Eyes White Dragon!” He placed his blue eyes on his duel disk and a holographic projection of the beast appeared on their battlefield. “Go, Blue Eyes!” Kiba commanded. “Attack his life points directly!” “Not so fast, Kiba,” Yami said calmly. “Say what, now?” Yami activated a magic card on his side of the field called Fissure. “This card allows me to send your monster with the lowest attack points to the graveyard, and since Blue Eyes is the only monster you have, that means it is destroyed." “WHAT!” Kaiba exclaimed as his holographic dragon disintegrated. “You can’t play a magic card on my turn! That’s against the rules!” “Screw the rules, I have ancient Egyptian swagger!” Yami said. “You can’t steal my catchphrase like that!” Kaiba said angrily. “I just did. Deal with it!” “I wonder if my swagger lets me screw the rules too!” Tristan said out loud. “You don’t have any swagger, Tristan,” said Joey. Tristan hung his head in disappointment. “Thanks, Obama.” Yami summoned an elf warrior to his side of the field. “I summon Surrealist Celtic Guardian in attack position!” He announced. “Go, Celtic Guardian, destroy Kiba’s remaining life points!” The holographic elf warrior leapt at Kaiba crying, “I am a catfish!” and swiped Kiba with his blade. All of Kiba’s life points disappeared and so too did all of the holograms. The game was over. Kaiba looked shocked and he fell down on his hands and knees. “How could I lose again?” He asked to himself. “Don’t feel so bad, Kaiba,” Yami said. “You aren’t the only character in this show that sucks at everything. Just look at Tristan.” “Yeah!” Tristan agreed. “Duke…” Tea interrupted. “Have you been running your fingers through my hair this entire time?” “There is a distinct possibility of that,” said Duke, “Duke Devlin will stop if you’d like.” “Whoa! Who said anything about stopping?” KAiba stood himself back up and brushed the dust off of his jacket. “Luckily for me, my ego has very fast healing properties,” he said. He grabbed his little brother by the hand and started to walk him out of the alley. “Come on, Mokuba. We don’t have time for these poor losers.” “Yay!” Mokuba said joyfully. “Does this mean we can hang out? I want to watch Spongebob!” “Shut up, Mokuba.” “I love you,” added Mokuba. “Kay, thanks.” “Not so fast Kaiba!” said a hooded figure from the dark corned of the alley. He stepped into the moonlight and removed his hood. It was obvious to everyone who he was. His tan skin, his golden jewelry, his annoying voice, he was Marik Ishtar, the most ruthless and possibly gay villain of season two! In his right hand, he had his Millennium rod, his ultimate plot device of evil. Behind Marik was a tall, hooded figure with a ridiculously tall hair spike in the front of his scalp that couldn’t be covered by his cloak. “IT IS I, MARIK ISHTAR, THE MOST EVIL VILLAIN IN ALL OF YU-GI-OH!” He screamed. “Actually, Marik, I think your evil counterpart Melvin is a little more evil than you are,” Yami commented. “SHUT YOUR FRIGGIN’ MOUTH, PHARAOH!” Marik replied angrily. “What are you up to, Marik?” Joey demanded. “You will ALL SEE the EVIL of my BRILLIANT PLAN soon enough!” Marik promised. “But for now I…” “Tell me!” Yami demanded. “Not yet! I have to do other things fi…” “Tell me!” “Just wait a seco…” “Tell me!” “FRIGGIN’ FINE!” Marik exclaimed in frustration. “I’ll tell you! Jeez! My plan is to use the secret power that I just made up for my Millennium Rod to transport you all to another Television show… A Television show without any card games!” “You fiend!” Yami yelled. Joey clenched his fists, “Brooklyn Rage!” “Are there any girls there?” asked Duke. Marik held out his Millennium Rod. The golden eye created an ominous red beam that shot out into open space. The line acted like a cutting laser for the fourth wall. It carved out a circle in open air that opened up as a door to a new dimension. “Now, I command you to enter this hole I created with my rod!” “Oh my,” Said Duke. “How stupid do you think we are? We aren’t going to walk right into your trap!” said Joey. “I might!” said Tristan. “Would all of you just jump into my magical hole already!?” Marik demanded. “That’s exactly what your mom said,” Yami taunted. “My mother is dead, asshole!” Marik yelled. Yami winked. “I know.” “Wow! That was pretty f***ed up, Yug,” said Joey. “Pretty f***ed up, Joey!” Yami said in agreement. “I have other means to make you enter!” Said Marik. “Are you going to kidnap me again?” asked Mokuba. “No! I have a much better way! I will use ancient Egyptian squiggly lines!” Marik announced as he activated his rod’s powers once more. The portal grew out long yellow lines of magical energy along its borders and they stretched out, grabbing Yugi, Kaiba, Mokuba, and all of Yugi’s friends and forcing them into the black hole. They all screamed, mostly due to the shock that Marik had actually managed to do something for once. When they entered, they disappeared without a trace. “I did it! I actually did it!” Marik said surprised. “I actually made an evil plan that worked and didn’t backfire on me! This is awesome! Wait until Bakura hears about thi-” His sentence was cut off when one of the squiggly lines wrapped around him and his hooded minion as well. “OH FRIG! Should have thought that one through.” He cried before he and his minion were thrown into the portal as well. A few moments after they were all gone, the portal dissipated as if nothing had ever happened. ________________________________________ MEANWHILE, BACK IN PONYVILLE Twilight was on her bed reading as she usually did on a Saturday afternoon when she heard a knock on her door. “I wonder who that could be,” she said to herself. She got up and walked down her wooden stairs, approaching the door. “It’s probably just one of the girls,” she assured herself. She opened the door to see someone who she had never seen before, and certainly never expected. It was a light brown stallion with a turban and two, donut shaped rings hanging from his ears. “Um… can I help you?” She asked. “Wawaweewa,” He said in an obviously offensive accent. “I am Shadi, a wild and crazy guy! I have come to warn you, little purple gypsy, that on this very day, your planet will be visited by an ancient evil from another world! And if you do not stop it from coming here, something really bad will happen!” “WHAT!” Twilight exclaimed. “Ancient evil! Again! Oh, no! How long do we have to stop it?” “If you do not intervene, it will enter this world at exactly two PM.” Twilight looked over her shoulder at her mounted clock. “It’s five after two!” She said angrily. “Why would you warn me to stop something AFTER IT’S ALREADY HAPPENED!!!” “…I am a ghost!” Shadi replied. He closed his eyes and started to disappear. “Wait!” Twilight demanded. “I have more questions for you! Please!” She was either too late, or Shadi didn’t want to stop. Shadi disappeared as mysteriously as he appeared, leaving Twilight alone and concerned.