Is this thing on? Good. Welcome to my diary. Well, technically it's a video diary but I suppose "Video Diary of Chaos" Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, am I right?
Anyway, I'm here because I hope to try and leave behind some form of record of this period in equestrian history. I say hoping because, knowing my luck, his royal buckness, Discord, will just go and wipe the film and leave me and the future generations with nothing to gather but a couple of naked mares posing provocatively for us all to look at.
Actually, that wouldn't be too bad on my end. With all this chaos going around, it's almost impossible to start a conversation with anypony. Let me give you an example of what I mean. The other day, I was just walking along, minding my own business, when I see this attractive young mare just across the square from me. She seemed pretty nice so I decided to go up and say hello, ask her out, et cetera, When all of a sudden a giant bird appears right the bloody hell out of nowhere and carries me off, all the while there's an image in my head of Discord with a massive grin on his face......Still, life goes on.
Situations like those are oddly rare. Most of Discord's antics we've all gotten used to. It's only when it's really inconvenient that you feel inferior. Most of the time it's like you're dealing with an annoying room mate, the sort of guy who acts like a big shot and jumps on you in the middle of the night with a creepy mask on.That sort of guy.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, there are moments sometimes when eternal chaos can be really annoying. One time I really needed the toilet and discord had taken it upon himself to grow a tree in my crapper. You cannot imagine how pissed I was that day, I was walking in there all like,"pleasebenormalpleasebenormalpleasebe-BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" I mean that sort of thing can really get under your skin. I still remember the first time I laid eyes on his handiwork. It was the day I first moved to ponyville. I was just like,"Herpaderpaherpa-WHAT IS HAPPENING?" It was like I was up the universe's plothole. Everything that never existed existed in this one town. Then I just sort of tripped out big time on some expired milk and learned to live with it.
I suppose you may be thinking,"but mate, if this place is so fucked up then why not just up sticks and leave?" Well, there are two reasons why I'm still here. Number one: I suffered a terrible childhood where I was beaten, raped and used as a toilet by my late father, causing enough emotional scarring for me to never be able to return to the town of my birth. Second, have you seen the housing market lately? I swear, I got dead lucky finding this place. I'd have to be drunk or high or some strange combination of the two to ever give up a roof over my head in today's sort of financial environment.
But I digress. Life in this sort of environment is pretty unpredicta-durr, thanks for that exciting revalation, captain obvious! No, this life under the god of chaos and disharmony is the most predictable thing ever seen by anypony in the history of the universe! It's as predictable as a rabbit with a wasp up it's plothole! But all joking aside, it's nigh on impossible to try and work out what's going to happe-eep!
Yeah, there's a prime example. See that pumpkin that just came crashing through my kitchen? I had no idea at all that that was going to happen. Thanks discord, you lousy little sod! Bloody hell, if I ever got my hooves on him, he'd have another thing coming, let me tell you. Not that I ever hope to get anywhere near that, I'd need the elements of harmony. Shame they're all either on the other side of Equestria or dead. I suppose I could track the remaining ones down and mount some sort of attack on Discord, discovering my ever evasive cutie mark in the process, but I can't be bothered.
Besides, I can't imagine that they'd be much help to me in their current states. I mean, the element of generosity, Rarity I think her name is, she's apparently a prostitute nowadays. Now that's what I call generosity!
Anyhoo, there's also been some other things that-Goddamnit! Bloody cow just fell through the roof. Oi, discord, thanks for the free milk, you royal pain in my flank!
Oh bugger, it would appear that he heard that remark. It would also appear that he seems royally pissed off with me and seems to desire my hea-urk!
O! Don't cut my throat, sir! Pray don't do it, sir! Please, please don't!
Please, put me down! Don't make me do this!
Alright then, you asked for it. hrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-FUS RO DAH!
Ah ha! How do you like them apples, Discord? Almost as much as much as regular apples? Yeah I still remember that time you nicked Sweet Apple Acres, not just the apples, not just the roof shingles or something else ridiculous, but the WHOLE FUCKING PLACE. Just so you could get the first mug of cider at the start of cider season!
....What the bloody hell are you all looking at? He can pull half-baked story resolutions out of his flank, so why can't I? What is there that prevents me from getting on his level? Surely even you'd say so Discord?
Hey, hey Discord?........Discord? I.......I think he's dead...............OH FUCK YES! My god, you have no idea how annoying this whole ordeal was. Ten years I've had to put up with his daily cycle of randomness and chaos. Ten bucking years! And now it's finally over!..............What the buck do I do with my life now?