“Okay, now what?” Flash asked, curiosity replacing his drug-induced anger from earlier. They had flown for several hours to the small village near Canterlot. Home of the Elements of Harmony and the magical birthplace of an alicorn, it was quite a tourist attraction nowadays. The two stepped out of the carriage before it flew off, ordered by Shining to return first thing in the morning. The two began their first steps in their dangerous quest.
Shining Armor smiled and led his ward across the town until they were in front of the library. “First, before we go through this we must make sure you’re dedicated,” Shining explained as he turned to the giant treehouse. “I want you to go inside and turn down Twily muzzle-to-muzzle like real stallion. A real gay stallion with big balls. Gigantic balls.” Flash, again, swore he saw Shining lick his lips as he turned toward him. Flash nodded, accepting his sentence. He was gay now, it was time to let down the mare. Gently.
Flash knocked on the wooden door of the tree. While he waited, he examined the door. It was a deep red color and the candle out front was a nice touch. Probably not the best color for a library theme, but who was he to judge. As he tapped the ground impatiently, he heard a few voices speaking inside. One sounded like a child complaining while the other was much more stern. The two voices bickered for a few more moments and then went silent. Flash flicked his ears forward so he could hear hoofsteps approaching the door. He fought the urge to piss himself.
The door swung open, revealing the alicorn princess Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes widened as she examined Flash. Her mouth opened in an excited gasp as she raised a hoof to cover it. “Flash, you came!” As she gazed upon the young pegasus her eyes sparkled like the starlit sky during a fireworks show. Flash was unsure, but he could’ve sworn there was an insatiable hunger hidden in her eyes.
Flash gave a sympathetic smile and bowed. “Yes princess, I have.” His wings giving a small flap of shame. Twilight squealed with joy and jumped forward, wrapping her forelegs around his neck and frantically nuzzling him as her wings popped out from her sides.
“Chokey. No breathy,” He managed to gasp out of her bone crunching hug.
“Oop. Sorry bout that, Flashy dear,”
He stepped back, nearly losing his balance.
“Now now, Princess. Aren’t we jumping to conclusions-”
“No, of course not. If you came all the way down here it obviously means that you love me and that you want to spend the rest of you natural life with me-”
“Well actually I came here to-”
“So I’ll have a shred of happiness until you die and live on, unhappy and alone-”
“I don’t think it’ll happen quite like tha-”
“And then we’ll have thirty foals and-”
“Twilight!” Shining yelled, trying to help out his young ward.
“Oh right, sorry. Guess I’m jumping ahead just a bit."
“Just a bit?” Shining inquired.
“Ok maybe alot.” Twilight rubbed the back of her head sheepishly, “What were you trying to say, Flash?”
“Well the thing is, we can’t be together because-”
“What is it Flash? Are you s-seeing another mare?” Twilight’s eyes shined as tears dampened her cheeks. Her lips began to quiver as the tears streamed down her face. She stifled a sob, trying not to lose face in front of her dream stallion. She had been dreaming of that moment since she first met him when they would finally reunite, elope, and have thirty children. In all honesty, Flash didn’t care and couldn’t take the pathetic sight for long.
“No! In fact, quite the opposite,” Flash mused out loud. “Twilight, I’m gay.”
Twilight abruptly stopped sniffling in wonder. “Oh, why didn’t you say so?” A smile on her face began to form. A sense of hope erupted in Flash’s heart as he perked up his ears and fixed his posture.
“Well, I didn’t know until earlier today. Shining Armor helped me to figure it out,” Flash answered. “I guess we’re cool then?”
Twilight’s smile erupted into a barely contained grin. “Are you kidding? We’re beyond cool! What if you turn out to be bisexual? We could have threesomes!” Twilight’s excitement caused her horn to spark in her fantasy. “Even better, we could go ~shopping~!”
Oh no she didn’t!
“Shopping? You want to go shopping?!” Flash scolded, stomping the ground with a hoof for emphasis. Twilight winced at each stomp. “I find out that my entire life was a lie and the first thing you want to do is go shopping?! Do you know how stereotypical that is. It’s... it’s-”
Shining placed a hoof on Flash’s shoulder. Flash looked up to see a smile of approval. “I’m glad Twily took it well, but she has a point. I think it’s about time you have your first lesson in homosexuality.”
Flash frowned. “Shopping? Isn’t that kind of a stereotype?” Shining merely shook his head in response. The white prince turned to his sister.
“Twily, mind helping me out? I need a couple messages sent.” He leaned in and whispered his request to his lavender sister. Twilight cooed and nodded in excitement before retreating inside her tree. Flash could see green and magenta lights flashing inside the windows, but Shining distracted him from investigating. “Follow, young padawan.”
The two began trotting away from the library. “So what now? We’re going shopping?” Flash asked as he looked up to the older stallion. Shining nodded as the two neared the marketplace. “So, what exactly are you doing here?”
Shining motioned him to stop before entering the market square. “I’m going to teach you the right way to be gay, obviously.” Flash shrugged his shoulders as Shining continued. “I may not be the greatest of teachers to a stallion in need, but after the numerous threesomes my wife has put me through, I can assure you that you’ll be raising flags wherever you go after I’m done with you. Mmm, flags...” Again with the licking. Flash was sure that he saw some drool too.
“So, we’re just going to buy stuff?” Flash asked as Shining levitated a bag of bits toward him.
“We’re not ‘buying stuff.’ We’re shopping! Two totally different things!” Shining declared as he salivated from his ecstatic grin. Flash took the bag of bits and put his neck through the string to carry it as Shining took the lead. Their first stop was the Apple Family apple stand.
Shining gulped as the sexiest mare in Ponyville blinked at him, wondering why the Crystal Empire’s prince was here in Ponyville buying apples. It took all his willpower to not peer over the stand and stare at her apples. It took even more willpower to not take a big ole’ bit out of them. Something inside Shining warned that flank biting was a nono in public, especially since you’re married to another mare. He was like a dog on the end of his leash: all he could do was sit there and bark.
“Heya Shinin’!” Applejack greeted with a friendly smile. “Anythin’ I could get ya’ll?” She gestured toward her collection of red, shiny apples. Flash’s mouth began salivating, his stomach catching up with him after his trip with the joke bong. His eyes traveled from apple to apple, each one seemingly juicier than the last.
“How about that one?” Shining pointed to a random apple in the pile. Applejack happily picked it up and gave it to him.
“Here ya go. That’ll be-” Applejack was interrupted by a hoof placed on her mouth, muffling her speech. Shining lifted the apple with his pink magic and looked it over, until he huffed and threw it back on the pile.
“It wasn’t shiny enough.” Shining pointed his nose into the air. “I need something with more… luster.” Applejack sighed, having dealt with snobbish ponies before. She sifted through her apple pile before finding an apple that looked nearly identical to the last one.
“Too small.” Shining barely glanced at it.
“Ah, okay. How about this one?” Applejack held up a new apple.
“Too lumpy.”
“Too large.”
“Perfect! No, wait. This one is too red.”
“Amazing! No, wait, too amazing! I can’t eat that!”
“Yes, yes! That one!” Shining Armor bounced in place as he pointed to the last apple in her pile, Applejack having thrown out each rejected apple in desperation to fit Shining’s needs. Her ears pinned to the side of her head in frustration.
“That’s the first one ya picked ya ninny!” Applejack complained as she took Shining’s bit. Satisfied, Shining took a bite of the apple and waved her off, leaving the stand behind with Flash Sentry in tow. They made sure to stay out of earshot before discussing.
“What was that exactly?” Flash asked, curious on how that was supposed to teach him to be homosexual. All Shining did was act like, well… a complete and total ass. Yea that’s the phrasing he was trying to come up with.
Shining puffed his chest out in pride, “First rule of shopping! Always settle with the best, even if it was your first choice in the first place! Second, barter. Never settle with anything less than you want.” Shining’s rules created a question that floated in Flash’s mind. He raised a hoof in question.
“So why exactly did you go through the entire batch of apples?” Flash hissed, slightly irritated at his prince and mentor’s attitude. Shining laughed, slapping Flash’s plot as he did so.
“The third, and final, rule is to only buy a fraction of what you try! It ensures you get the best of the best. Now, it’s your turn!” Shining stepped aside and waved toward the building they were now standing in front of.
Carousel Boutique. Flash gulped. As a pegasus, fitting clothing was as fun as a prick in a balloon factory. Not only did his pegasus instincts resist every urge to stand still, his wings would always pop out at inopportune times. Shining took the lead and knocked four times. Using his magic, he forced Flash Sentry to take entry with a simple levitation spell as Rarity invited them in.
“Welcome the Carousel Boutique, where everything is unique, chic, and magnifique! Why hello Shining Armor, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Rarity asked as she ran a hoof through her mane. Her eyelashes fluttering toward the duo as her magic levitated a ponnequin and several pieces of fabric. Flash felt a small twinge of his former heterosexuality emerge, but it was quickly pushed aside by a raging urge to try on clothing.
“Actually, Miss Rarity, today I’ve brought Flash Sentry to be fit,” Shining answered, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Rarity bit her lip in anticipation, eyeing the pegasus from mane to tail. Flash shuddered as he felt her stare reach his toned flanks. Rarity purred as she began levitating numerous outfits from around her shop and lifting them over Flash’s side, sizing him up. One outfit lingered near Flash and bumped into him.
“Uh, excuse me?” Flash stepped back, eyeing the black leather jacket. Rarity squeaked and jerked her head, ordering him to try it. Flash shrugged and slipped his forelegs into the jacket, walking to a mirror to check himself out. The leather looked nice on his light colored coat, and he admired the way it accentuated his muscles as he made studly poses in front of the large mirror. Shining coughed in his ear
“Pst, not gay enough,” Shining whispered to Flash. The ex-guard gasped, realizing he was acting too not gay! He was missing the point of the lesson. He couldn’t be satisfied with Rarity’s first pick, he needed more…
“Rarity, how many outfits do you have for pegasi?” Flash blurted out, causing Rarity to blink rapidly in confusion.
“About thirty, darling. Why?”
Flash threw off the jacket and whipped his mane back. “I want to try them all.”
~three hours later~
“I can’t believe you let me buy this,” Flash grumbled as he flew beside Shining Armor, carrying a bag with his chosen outfit. After trying on every single outfit Rarity had on stock, plus a few custom fits she crafted in the moment, they had finally left the Boutique with a much lighter pouch of bits.
“I don’t know, makes you look like a pretty little pony,” Shining teased as he used his magic to smack Flash’s plot. Flash winced, but he thought he was getting to like it.
Huh, green really was his color. This summer dress was going to look great on him.