I woke up grumpy and entirely unamused. My head hurt, presumably from all the alcohol I drank last night. I body ached all over, and I’m pretty sure the ceiling isn’t supposed to spin. I’m also pretty sure that I shouldn’t have four arms, two shifting in and out of focus.
And I’m damn sure that Twilight isn’t supposed to be in my bed. Why is Twilight in my bed?
Wait, what?! Why is Twilight in my bed?
“Twilight.” I shook her gently, thinking that she might have an answer. What had happened last night? I remember fighting Luna, hanging out with Dash, boozing myself up, and... getting in bed... with Twilight.
Oh no. Oh shit. Twilight is going to fucking kill me.
“Uh...” Waking her was a big mistake. I swore silently to myself, using every insult possible. She opened her eyes. I prepared to run. And then several things happened at once.
One, her eyes widened in panic once she realized where she was.
Two, I leapt off the bed and ran for the door.
Three, she levitated a very weighty object and hurled it at my head.
I crumpled on impact, toppling down the stairs and landing in a dazed pile, in front of Spike, who’s eyes were red from sleep deprivation. He yawned hugely, staring at me blearily. “Oh. You’re up. Finally.” Finally? What does he mean by that? “You two were going at it all night, I didn’t think you’d stop...” FUCK. OH SHIT WHAT.
I heard the upstairs door burst open. “You said what, Spike?” Twilight asked, deathly calm. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as I predicted a terrible end to this terrible situation. “What did you just say?” Beads of sweat formed on Spike’s brow as he looked desperately at me. I just shrugged and slowly backed away. My message was clear: I value my life too much, bro. He glared at me angrily, and I relented.
“I’m sure Spike meant something else, something that ISN’T what you’re thinking...” I started, waving my hand at Spike. Come on, back me up here. “What were we doing, exactly?” Please oh please oh PLEASE say...
“You were discussing the practical applications of magic and science, and which would be more effective in different situations.” Spike said. Both Twilight and I exhaled explosively at that, and Twilight smiled apologetically at me. Fucking woman, always fucking overreacting. No need to chuck shit around, you know. “You showed no signs of stopping, even though it was well into midnight, Twi. I had to move downstairs, but then you started shouting and I couldn’t get a wink of sleep for the whole night.”
Thank God. I really don’t want Twilight to kick me out of the library, especially before I find a job. Speaking of jobs, I have to find something to do soon.
Spike turned and headed for the kitchen, but not before bending down and whispering, “You were on the receiving end of Sparkle’s Rapid Fire Debating Vocabulary. I pity you, I really do.” Kid, I don’t remember anything from last night, but if my splitting headache is anything to go by, I really do deserve your sympathy.
Twilight teleported down and knelt beside me. “Are... are you okay?” She asked, tentatively poking at the massive lump that swelled up on top of my head. “That... looks like it hurts.” No shit, Sherlock.
“I was brutally assaulted by the vicious lavender unicorn,” I joked, glaring at her. “Do I look okay?” I glared at her some more, before giggling a bit. Her face was priceless. “Heh, just kidding. I’m fine, and the pain will fade in time. I’ve been through worse. That time Tyrone flattened me with his massive war axe, for example.”
“Tyrone?” Twilight asked, curious.
“Minotaur warlord. Nasty business. Owned a magical war axe called Deathreaver.” I grunted, rubbing the lump on my head. “Rips the spirit right out of your body. Annoying little bugger.”
“I... what? How does that work?” Twilight said, perplexed. “The spirit? Some sort of life energy, maybe...”
I sidled off, having successfully distracting Twilight. “I’mma just go and hang with Rainbow...” She nodded offhandedly, engrossed in understanding what spirit was.
I yawned as I strode down the streets of Ponyville, not looking for anything in particular. The birds chirped. The sun shone brightly. The air was crisp and warm. A light breeze swept through the town. Fucking. Idyllic.
Then my stomach rumbled in a very un-idyllic manner. Fucking stomach. Maybe I should pay Pinkie a visit. Even though she terrified me. She has powers, man. She’s not normal. And her cupcakes will probably give me diabetes in the long run.
“Hey.” I said, grabbing the attention of a nearby mare. She squeaked and tried to run, but I grabbed her saddlebags and sighed. Fucking racist ponies. “I’m not going to bite, you know. I just want to know where I can get a decent lunch.”
She blushed, obviously ashamed at her behavior. “Oh. Sorry. Uh, I think the Cue Ball Cafe and Bar has a nice lunch set. Sunshine’s Salad, too.” Also what’s with the alliteration? “Have a nice day.” Then she trot off briskly, much faster than before. I watched as she scurried off to ‘safety’.
“Cue Ball Cafe, huh...” I mused, thinking. It was a few streets away from here, next to a flower shop. The girls running the shop are quite the lookers, too. A bit melodramatic, but... DAMN, dem hips!
Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes. Cue Ball was a friend of mine, you know. We met when she was on a trip to the Griffin kingdom. She was scouting out booze recipes, and I was... I dunno. Searching for the meaning of life? Following the little voice in my head? I dunno. Being me.
I wonder if she knows that I’m in town. I grinned as I thought about how I could surprise her, scaring a few other ponies in the process. My longer than most canines probably didn’t help. I hate being a carnivore amongst herbivores. I don’t get how the griffons can stand it. At least it parted the street like Moses.
And DAMN, I just noticed that Roseluck was out today. Her lustrous red mane is... mmmm... “Hey, Roseluck.” I said, sauntering over.
“THE HORRO- Oh, hi Nevermore.” She said, smiling sheepishly. “What’s up?”
“I want to buy a bouquet of...” I said, thinking. What did Cue Ball like again? Daffodils? Wait, no... They were yellow, but not daffodils. “Uh...”
Rose sighed, and pulled out a piece of paper and a quill. “Here, what about you sketch it out, and describe it to me?” Smart woman, she is. I nodded, and started drawing.
“The petals are like so, and yellow colored... The leaves are sort of like this... wait, a bit more... yeah, like that. And...” I bit my tongue lightly while drawing, finally completing the sketch of the mystery yellow flower.
“Ah! That, my friend, is a Yellow Columbine.” Roseluck smiled, turned, and trotted into the shop. Her voice wafted out from inside. “I think... got a few... in here... there we are!” She emerged beaming, holding a bouquet of yellow flowers. “Here you go.” She paused. “If you don’t mind, why are you buying this bouquet?” Her smile grew sly. “Have you got yourself a mare somewhere, Nevermore?”
“...Of sorts. Not the way you think, but close enough.” I shrugged. “Thanks for the flowers.” I tossed a few bits into the air, and she caught them neatly in a basket. God knows how these ponies hold things like that.
“Hey, have you heard about the most recent news in town?” Rose said, mysteriously. I don’t gossip, so I shook my head. “Word is, Princess Luna went full crazy, locking herself in her room and talking about the ‘end of the world’.” Oh shit. I have a sneaking suspicion that I fit into this mad situation.
“Does this rumor mention anything about a destroyer...?” I asked, hesitantly. I really didn’t like this. If I’m driving royalty nuts, I could be in serious trouble. “The cause of destruction or something?”
“Not really... It’s more just generic doomsday material.” Rose said. “But right now, let’s talk about this mare of yours.” Her smile deepened sinisterly.
“It’s really not what you think...” What else could a guy say? Women gotta gossip, man.
She shot me another sly grin, before turning to another customer. Fucking women. Always prying. But soon I found myself standing before the Cue Ball Cafe, and I took a deep breath. Making as little noise as possible, I snuck inside, and flitted across to the counter.
Cue Ball’s a pure white earth pony, with a slightly gray mane and brilliant red eyes - an albino. She had a knack for maintaining entertainment establishments, thus her name, Cue Ball. Snooker was her forte. At that moment her back was turned, probably pouring a drink or something. Perfect. She stopped the tap, turned around, and...
“Nevermore?!” She cried, surprised. She dropped the mug she was holding, which I caught and set down on the table.
“Any other humans in Equestria?” I asked, jokingly. “Of course it’s me.” I grinned, and enveloped her in a bear hug. “Gods, I missed your booze.” I murmured.
“Which ones?” She murmured back.
“All of them, Cue. All of them.” I licked my lips, knowing how wrong the conversation was getting. Oh the innuendos.
“Baby, you’ll have all the time in the world to drink my booze.” She whispered, suggestively. Then we both sniggered, and burst out laughing.
“Glad to see that somethings never change.” I said, offering the bouquet.
“Why, Nev! You remembered!” Cue Ball said, taking a bite out of the flowers. “Mmmm, yum. D’you know what does Yellow Columbine symbolize?”
“I’m not much for symbolism. Flowers are flowers. And that’s all.” I said, firmly. My ma always told me to never listen to that crazy horoscope nonsense.
“Yellow Columbines stand for mischief, and bad luck, amongst other things.” Her ruby eyes twinkled distractingly. God, she’s pretty. Ack! Focus, Nev. Focus.
“Why would you eat bad luck, then?” I asked, genuinely confused. That’s just stupid, and silly. “If it’s BAD luck?”
“Sometimes, a bit of bad luck can spice up your day.” She smiled, offering me a drink. I took it and downed it in one. Oh damn! Cue Ball’s special honey mead brew. Sweet ‘n strong, just like the pony.
“Honey mead?” I said, grinning like a fool. It’s been a long time since I tasted it. She nodded. “Just like the old times.” In the beginning, the only booze she knew how to make was thin honey mead. Based on the booze from back home, I helped her in her quest of brewing. She brewed booze after booze after booze, and I sampled every batch. Those were the days, when I was drunk almost 24/7.
“Hey, Cue! A salad and a whisky, thanks!” Shouted a random stallion. “No mayoneighse!” Mayoneighse. Oh gods I’ll never get used to the horse puns.
“Coming!” She returned, and smiled apologetically at me. “We’ll catch up later, when business eases up, kay?” I nodded, and settled down, occasionally sipping at my mead. I watched as ponies came and went, ordering food and drink, having fun, and chatting their time away. I struck up a conversation with a middle aged stallion, talking about all sorts of things. Women. Drink. Things to do to pass the time. Cake.
Eventually, the din of noise slowly petered out as customers started draining from the cafe. Only a few frequenters remained, still happily drinking away. Cue sighed as she cleaned the inside of a cup. “There’s always light after the storm.” She quoted some famous person. “We weathered the storm, and now we get a little peace.” The drinkers raised their mugs to that, including myself.
“Attention! Attention, fellow drunkards!” Cue tapped a crystal bottle with her spoon, turning it into a makeshift bell. “Today we have a new customer! But not just any customer - this is my old friend, Nevermore!” There was a smatter of applause, which died off quickly.
“If it weren’t for him, I would never have opened this cafe-slash-bar. He helped me develop my special honey mead brew, which you all know very well.” There was a roar of approval as the drinkers applauded my brave deed. I love drunks.
“So, Nev. What have you been doing since Gryphus?” She asked, sitting down in front of me. I scratched my chin, thinking for a while.
“I fought a few dragons in Draconia, then I went to the Mist Forest.” I said, finally.
“Mist Forest? You visited the Deerfolk?”
“Well, if you count nearly being gored to death and chased out, yeah. I ‘visited’ them.” I said, smiling bitterly at that memory. The Deerfolk don’t appreciate large predators in their cities. “It wasn’t a nice experience.” There was a lengthy silence as Cue polished her mugs and I drank my booze.
“...Met any more mares- that is, females, that you fancy?” Cue asked, smirking. But behind that smirk, I thought I detected the barest hints of bitterness. It can’t be blamed. Everybody wants a share of Nevermore.
“Not really.” I said, nonchalantly. I saw a flicker of hope in her eyes. Yep. She wants a piece of me. She’s awfully easy to read, even by pony standards. Then an evil thought flitted across my mind. Time to play mind games. “Well, there is the one...” She deflated again. Oh Jesus this amusing as fuck.
“...Who?” She asked, probably just trying to get the conversation out of the way.
“Oh, she’s wonderful. Kind. Pretty. Strong willed.” I said, counting off my fingers. “She’s an owner of a popular establishment, see. Smart, too. Knows her business.” I stole glance at Cue. She looked wholly disheartened, her ears drooped and her eyes downcast. Oh gods, now I feel bad. Shit. “You wanna know her name?” I asked. She nodded halfheartedly, quietly setting down the glass she was polishing.
“Her name’s Cue Ball.” I grinned, and stuck out my tongue. She looked up, stunned. Then her eyes started glimmering with tears and she leapt over the counter, knocking me and my chair over and trapping me in a bone crushing embrace.
“You stupid, stupid idiot.” She whispered, hugging me. “Don’t ever do that again.” I grinned and sat up, sweeping her off her feet.
I deftly filled a glass with mead and held it up to Cue. “A drink, for my lady fair?” Real smooth like, Nev. Real smooth. Just like the time you charmed a giant squid. Wait no, bad example. I don’t want my arse violated again.
She tutted disapprovingly. “Still shabby with your charming skills, Nev.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Oh? How so?” I asked. I’m pretty sure I nailed down all the basics already.
“First, never try to charm a lady after tricking her just seconds ago.” She said, pulling out a blackboard out of nowhere. And when I say nowhere, I mean literally nowhere. Fucking fourth wall. She started writing down her advice.
“Second, mead is hardly the drink for a couple.” She said, opening a cabinet and taking a bottle. “Wine is preferable, and ALWAYS have a scented candle for maximum effect.” She set down a pale blue candle and lit it.
“Three... unless you’re sure they dig it, don’t sweep mares off their feet. Makes them feel weak.” She said, scratching it down on the blackboard. Then she realized that all the drunks were staring at us. One of them whistled suggestively.
“You get her, lad!” Shouted another. Cue glared at him, but still blushed never less. He giggled drunkenly. Because he was drunk. Heh. Fuck, I think I’m getting a bit too boozed. “Yer missin’ the chance of the century, if ya don’t take ‘er!”
“Shaddap! You... you’re drunk!” I cried, woozily shaking a fist at him. Then I downed another cup of booze.
“Who’re yew ta say?!” He said, staggering to his feet. Erm, hooves. He looked ready to leap into drunken bar combat.
“You want a piece of me?” I shot to my feet as well. “Come get some!” I roared, and charged. Now, normally, ponies won’t stand a chance against me. I’m much stronger, much faster, and can take one hell of a beating before going down. But now I’m drunk. I can’t use my strength well, I can’t even run, and I’m half passed out as it is.
I promptly fell over. The stallion stared in surprise, before growling and at leaping at me. Cue Ball moved to intervene, but I called out “It’s fine! I need the practice anyway!” and she stopped, although still looking worried.
The stallion sailed right over me, his depth perception messed up by alcohol. “What?! How did you dodge that?” He exclaimed, surprised.
“Ninja skills!” I blubbered, standing back up and throwing a punch at the stallion. I missed, and crumpled to the floor. However, I lashed out with my legs, and managed to clip the stallion on the shoulder. He yelped, but didn’t give in, and bucked me in the guts as I tried to regain my footing.
Fortunately my body of steel hadn’t abandoned me in my time of need. All the buck did was push me backwards a few steps. The stallion, however, turned quickly and struck me with his sharp forehooves.
I winced, but stood firm. I lunged and knocked the drunkard over, striking at each other’s faces in the world famous fighting style known as cat fighting.
It was glorious.
Halfway into the scuffle, things started getting awkward.
I scrambled to my feet, only to be knocked down from behind by the drunken and angry stallion. He pounded at my back, to little effect. He quickly grew tired, and his blows slowed and weakened.
Then I felt something hard touch my thigh. I shrugged off the feeling, concentrating on trying to shake off the stallion. He snarled, applying ever more pressure on his hooves. Then I realized he wasn’t hitting me anymore. He was trying to hold me down.
“Get off me!” I shouted, slapping at his face. He didn’t budge, but his features were twisted in a mix between a sneer and a grin. I shook my body as hard as I could, to no avail.
Then he stuck his head next to mind, and whispered into my ear. “So, Morning Flower, how’d you like me now?”
...What?
“D’you want me now?” He panted. Lustily.
Oh shit.
“CUE BALL! HELP!” I screamed, kicking out hard. Unfortunately, I was completely pinned down and was unable to move. Fuck! Cue Ball moved in to help, but she was warded off with a snarl from the drunk.
“Come close and I’ll kill her!” He screeched, biting onto my hair. Cue Ball looked horrified, but she didn’t come closer. Instead, she ran out of the shop, hopefully to find help. The cafe was now empty, the other customers having fled when we started fighting.
“Now, my dear, we’re alone...” He said, breathing lustfully. I felt something hard brush against my buttocks, something that was definitely not a hoof.
“NEVER!” I growled, smashing my head into his chin, sending him reeling. His hold on me loosened, and I too the chance, grabbing his... shaft... in my hands, and twisted it forcefully. He screamed in pain, and brought both of his hooves down on my skull.
The blow left my ears ringing and made my head swim. I fought the urge to blackout. The stallion held me once again, and this time he was snarling. “Don’t fight back, Morning Flower! SUBMIT TO ME!” He started to lower himself onto me.
It wasn’t the first time my back hole was violated - but this was the first time an actual male did the deed. It was humiliating, and it was both mentally and physically painful. I winced as he went, his tongue lolling out in drunken pleasure. Between the pain and the humiliation, I was barely able to remain conscious, let alone fight back. It has been a long time since I was this powerless. I really didn’t like it.
By the time he was finished, I was in tears, from pain, from fear, and from sheer exhaustion. I couldn’t move a muscle, even if I wanted to. The stallion collapsed next to me, completely spent and overcome by alcohol.
Cue Ball and her reinforcements found me on the floor, curled up and shivering.
I... I don’t feel like continuing.