August 27th, 2013
Octavia Criticized For Modest, Conservative Performance at Orchestral Awards
CANTERLOT—At the 2013 Orchestral Awards, famed cellist Octavia Melody arrived on the stage, grabbed her bow, and proceeded to play a piece of classical music in a dignified, professional, and family-friendly manner. She then bowed, received her award, exited the stage, and that was that.
This lackluster, conservative, non-sexualized performance has gotten some critics riled up. Calling it a "total letdown," critics of the famous cellist Octavia lambasted her for not adding more flair to her presentation.
"I can't believe what a bore that was," said fashion critic Hoity Toity, who came to watch the performance with his two small fillies, "How dare she not sexualize herself for my amusement."
"I mean, she could have twerked all over the pianist, or pretended to hump her cello, or even taken her bowtie off, twirled it around, and then thrown it into the crowd. But no," he added.
Thankfully, the other performers weren't such a bore. One, Lyra Heartstrings, donned a foam finger and proceeded to show the crowd exactly what she would do with it, if she actually ever realized her dream of having hands.
"Wow, she's so cool!" said a small filly, Sunrise Spring, who was in the audience watching, "I want to grow up to be just like her!"
Even the older, aristocratic members of the audience were pleased with Lyra.
"This kicks a particular amount of flank, brother who is actually not related to me!" said Prince Blueblood, another attendee, "Hey, Fancy Pants, pass me that fine cigar, if you would, dear sir."
The high flying socialite obliged.
"Man," he added, taking a toke, holding it in his lungs, and then coughing, "That cigar is quality tobacco right there."
Lyra Heartstrings then grabbed her lyre and smashed it all over the stage at the end of her performance, eliciting cheers from the audience. Later, the next day, her hotel room was found to have been trashed in a raging, cocaine-fueled party.
"You know, we would arrest her for noise, vandalism, or drug violations or something," said Searchy Siezey, a Canterlot Police officer, "But she rocked out so hard last night that we don't even care."
As for Octavia, though, ponies were not impressed. The council for Preserving Sexual Content in Media sent Octavia a formal protest letter about her dignified performance.
"You are supposed to set a good example for our young fillies to follow," the group said, "And yet here you are, not being raunchy at all. This is unacceptable. What's next? Will you do a performance entirely clothed?" Ω