//------------------------------// // FreshMAN Orientation. Chapter 3 // Story: Hey Jude... // by IHateFanficUnlessItPays //------------------------------// Authors Note: This was a hard chapter to write because it’s ‘world’ set up, but it still has some good content in it (by my low standards). Also, it was so bloody long I split into two, which will be up by the end of the week I hope. DONE! After The Hospital... My god… I want to write these like a script! I mean I think this would be better as a series rather than a story but (dude your on right now, get with it!) I know! JUST LET ME HAVE THIS FOR A SECOND! I THINK VISUALLY! IT DOESN’T TRANSLATE WELL FOR ME! You read the others for good writing, you read me for a bizarre style and a cheap laugh. OK I’m good. Story must be told. To whoever hasn’t already mentally checked out or plotted my downfall and doom! It had been a few days since Jude was admitted to the hospital with some very concerned staff. Jude knew that despite there were several ponies he had met that accepted his existence; the rest of the world would likely not do it so well. Some might even consider him to be a threat or a freak, which honestly isn’t too far from the truth; knowing his own personality in these situations. Rarity had fixed up his clothes, and tried to make aesthetic changes to them, which Jude pointed out were dumb because he wasn’t a pony and needed something comfortable to be in. He did stash the diamonds though. However when she was messing with his clothes there was a period of time while he had to be naked. This was awkward at first until he realized being nude was an everyday thing for these ponies and that they really wouldn’t realize why being nude as a human was provocative. So he stood proud, until a cold breeze brushed by. He cowered in the corner under a towel until the clothes were finished after that. Of course said diamonds would cheer him up later. Anyways… he was allowed to stay in the barn at Applejack’s ranch until further notice, and he couldn’t go anywhere without being accompanied by the original 9 ponies that he ran into on day one. Jude accepted this, because… why not? He was alone in another dimension… like he is going to complain. - - - - - Sweet Apple Acres Jude woke up early one morning to the sound of Applejack trying to get some equipment out of the barn, which he was sleeping in. “Ugh… injured man here! Trying to sleep!” Jude said throwing his arms up from where he was lying. “Aw heck, ya’ll coulda gotten up hours ago with how early ya went to sleep” AJ snapped back as she tried to move a large hoe. “Hey… while yer up… err… can ya help me move this ‘ere thing?” AJ said a little embarrassed she couldn’t move it since it was stuck in the ground. With a super loud and sudden push, the hoe flew out of barn and landed right next to Big Mac in the field, in the distance Applejack could see him freeze and have a mini heart attack. When she looked back at Jude, he just groaned, grabbed his head, and remained still. Though it hurt him to use the force, a little pain was worth it to be lazy and not get up. He hadn’t had much relaxation for years, as long as he was stuck there, he would take some R and R. And besides, he was also drained emotionally after the first day he arrived. But all these thoughts that crept through his head were cut short. “Ya’ll know Ah woulda chewed you out if that had landed anywhere else, but since it landed exactly where Ah needed it, thanks!” “Was that sarcastic?” “No, this is sarcastic” AJ said sarcastically…. “Don’t patronize me” Jude said without looking up, hell bent on sleeping more. “Why ya’ll being such a jerk today?” “I’m sorry, I get this way sometimes in alternate universes” Jude said very sarcastically, “But seriously, like 45 minutes more of sleep and I’ll be a totally different person. See you then.” “Fine” AJ said sharply as she turned and headed out the doors; nose stuck up in the air much like Rarity when she’s insulted. Exactly 45 minutes and 37 seconds later (it takes 2 seconds to get up and 35 to walk to where Applejack was)… “Good morning.” “Looch whoos finarry up-ch” AJ said trying to tie some barrels of apples to a cart with her mouth. “Ha… I can help with that, hands were kind of designed for that” he said as he took the rope and did AMAZINGLY dull things with his hands. “Yer helpful, Ah like this you” AJ said happily. Jude started securing the cart and began to talk some more. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that… erg, there done” he whipped the miniscule amount of sweat off his brow. Jude continued, “Why do you guys like me? I mean, ‘oh look a person from another dimension who is also an alleged war criminal, let’s just give him house arrest and let him roam around like he ISN’T on house arrest’” he said mimicking sarcastically. “Well Twi thinks that yer a good specimen to study an’ all. Not to mention Lyra also wants to know alla’ bout humans, not much point to keeping ya’ll locked up an’ doing it interrogation style.” “OK… but why here then? Why not at Twilight's if I am so bucking spec- I still can’t swear… so special.” “Oh they never told you?” Jude stared at her blankly, “Told me what?” “There was actually fighting goin’ on to who would take ya in before Ah said my barns big an’ empty.” Jude started to get confused, and it showed on his face. “Uh… was it the good kind of fight or the bad kind of fight?” “Come again?” AJ said, turning her head to the side in a similar confusion now. “I mean like were they fighting so I DIDN’T live with them or so the I COULD live with them?” “OH!” AJ said shaking her head and grinning, “Rainbow Dash started it when she said ya’ll could bunk with her at her place, but seeing as ya probably can’t fly, ya’d fall right through the clouds and die.” “She lives on a cloud?” Jude said plainly. “Yeah, a lot of pegasi do, considering they can actually walk on ‘em, their main job being weather control an’ all.” “I… what? I’ll ask later, but what happened next?” he said shaking his head. “Well, Lyra said she an’ Bon Bon had space” AJ said. Jude raised one of his eyebrows and just stared blankly at her, arms crossed, “OK that’s puttin’ it nicely, she basically begged to have ya there.” “And…” Jude said making a twirling hand motion that meant ‘continue’ to humans. “And then Vinyl said she had space since her an’ her roommate combined their workspace recently an’ have an extra room, theeeen Lyra jumped back in arguin’ who knows what about human physio-somethin’, theeeeeeeeeen Pinkie Pie did her thing an’ said to go with her before immediately saying ‘wait, nevermind’ an’ THEEEEN…” Applejack saw Jude standing there with the stupidest looking grin and asked, “Uh… are ya’ll alright hon?” Jude stood there staring off into vacant space, shaking a little, lightly biting his lower lip, with the stupid grin only getting bigger, and before Applejack knew it… *WOOOSH!* He force jumped and flew straight up into the air almost 50 feet. “I’m popular bitches!” Jude yelled hovering in the air a bit before he gave a very light jerk and came down. He came crashing down loudly, landed on his two feet and wore an expression of anger and seriousness. Staring at Applejack he said blankly and somewhat angrily, “I still hate all of you though…” “Ya sure that not the headache talking?” AJ said irritated, pointing out his force usage. “It’s only half the headache talking!” Jude said keeping his angry look. “Ah know your putting on a face sugarcube, lets get back to work!” AJ said matter-of-factly. “You’re no fun” Jude said as he tied off the last of the barrels. Applejack ignored his last remark and went off into the house. She came back with a note from Twilight. Applejack opened up the note and gave it to Jude saying they were specific instructions for him to follow. Jude took it and before anything else he blurted out, “You guys still use this calligraphy? WHAT KIND OF LAND IS THIS ANYWAY?!” Applejack looked confused considering no one actually called their style of handwriting by name unless they were some schoolteacher. And Jude sounded so foreign when he said it. He ranted on. “I mean, you use candles, but I know you have electricity in the hospital; you have technology for DJs to exist, but not enough for phones, computers, or so many other technologies; you are so odd in where your technologies are overall! I mean-” Jude finally stopped and looked at the paper for a second. “Orientation?” he said less irritated. “Well now Ah bet ya feel pretty stupid” AJ chuckled. “We were gonna teach ya about Equestria, then ask you about whats-it-called afterwards.” Jude quickly read the rest of the note, which was a strain on his eyes considering humans haven’t needed or wanted to use old calligraphy for over 700 years. “So let me get this straight? I am going to go to everypony I met the first day here and get the rundown about what they do… and I’m supposed to just pick up on ‘how to be’ from that!?” he said getting irrationally angry again. “Listen, lets jus’ start with me. Ya’ll ‘ready know that Ah’m a farmer an’ Ah buck apples for a livin’. Freshest apples, sweetest ciders, hottest pies an’ fritters; why… we’re locally famous ‘round ‘ere for our delectables.” Jude looked at her like she had just patronized him. “Seriously… that’s all there is to know about Equestria? That you buck apples? That is the entirety of reality in this universe?” Jude said being facetious. Applejack put a hoof to her chin thinking deeply. “Ya know, Ah never really had ta explain the land to anypony before…” “There! Lets start there. Ponies. Are they the main species on this planet?” “Uhm… no actually, while MOST of the fellas around are ponies, we got zebras, which are a close relative, donkeys, mules, griffons, dragons, and those changelings; an’ that’s jus’ the ones that can talk like us. They all have their own nations too.” Jude stood there in utter shock. “S-so your not the only intelligent species on this planet… I’m getting confused.” Jude started to rub his temples as he tried to gather his thoughts. “Maybe we should start our journey with Twilight? She could prob’bly give ya a rundown of Equestria… if ya can bear to stay awake through it” AJ suggested. “OK then… so off we go to find out more on why I really don’t want to be here!” Jude said changing his attitude and pointing excitedly towards the sky. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Twilight’s Library After a short walk Applejack and Jude arrived at Twilight’s, which felt more tiring for Jude since he didn’t have four legs to split the effort of walking between. Bipedal only gets you so far in life Jude… “Who said that?” Jude quietly yelled while looking into the sky. “Who said what?" AJ asked Jude, thinking it was his next stage in draining sanity. Jude collected himself, not hearing ANYTHING ANYMORE, “Nothing… I said nothing, you’re crazy you know that?” he said with a fake laugh. Applejack said nothing more and then went up to the library tree Twilight resided in. After only a few knocks, the door swung open violently, and then a magenta glow enveloped the pony and the human and they were tugged inside before the door slammed shut. Twilight ran around in circles, occasionally flapping her alicorn wings. She was in a full panic mode. Applejack got up fast and broke the tension, “Twi! Twilight! What’s wrong? Ya look like ya’ll got a buncha country ticks attacking yer flank!” “Yes! Wait… no to the ticks, but YES something is wrong!” Twilight stopped running around and pointed her hoof accusingly at Applejack. “What’s wrong with you AJ! I mean only 11 ponies even know about this human’s existence! The princesses don’t even know about him! And you were just waltzing around town like he was your chum!” she said in her annoyed tone. Applejack turned her head again (to the other side this time!) in confusion. “Lemme get this straight… you DIDN’T TELL PRINCESS CELESTIA!?” Twilight’s face turned from irritated to guilty in half a second. “Uh… no?” she said meekly, trying to laugh it off afterward. Jude now getting confused decided to speak up, “So… who is the real leader around here then?” Twilight became tapping her hoof on the ground nervously. “Well me actually, FOR HERE. B-but there are also other princesses around Equestria and I answer to two that are actually goddesses. And well… if I’m being honest I saw this as an opportunity not just for science but for leadership” she said still a little hesitant. “I mean, it’s not everyday a interstellar-“ “-Dimensional…” Jude interjected quickly. “-being just shows up without warning, with whole new worlds to speak of” she finished with her tone sounding more… giddy. “So you’re hiding me so you can have a big debut for your own benefit?” His words stung Twilight; naturally Jude showed no remorse, the longer he didn’t find out what this world was meant the longer he couldn’t try to find a way to leave it. And dammit he wanted off this planet, he had a war to fight, MEN WERE DYING! “DAMN RIGHT!” The ponies looked at him because he had just followed up his own comment with a response without sounding like he meant it for that. “Why are you all looking at me funny?” he asked confused. (Its funny cause we wipe his last memory every time he hears us hahaha!) Shush, Twilight’s gonna rant. “You see this is why others shouldn’t know about him yet! The mannerisms from his culture seem a bit odd to us, and that’s just on top of the fact he is like twice our height and can walk on only two legs! He would cause a town panic, thinking he was another world end scenario!” Twilight yelled trying to change the subject from her more personal motivations. “Say what…” Jude said coming back to reality… their reality. The two ponies just looked at him. “Not to mention he ‘imself says he’s a war criminal” AJ said adding to Twilight’s point. “THANK YOU! SOMEONE FINALLY POINTS OUT THE ABSURDITY OF THIS AND WHY NO ONE OTHER THAN ME IS FREAKING OUT!” he said collapsing onto his knees. “No wait… not a war CRIMINAL. War hero, I was joking when I said that. Don’t get those confused please” he added now getting up. “Well it’s not like you’re a bad man I guess… I mean just don’t do bad things anymore like in war!” Twilight said so naively. Jude stood there wondering if he should let them know if he has killed people before or just let them think he was a war hero for other reasons. He aired on the side of caution and changed the subject because they were starting to look at him like he was actually mental. “OK you know what… let me explain some things. I am human; hear me roar… OK now onto other things!” he sat down ready to explain his whole persona. - - - - - After everyone had gotten situated, Jude began to speak. “First off, our mannerisms are not like me blurting out weird things, that’s what eccentrics do. They are actually quite similar to yours I’m sure. And my personality, despite what you (or the reader) will think is very complex and deep… I just don’t… handle situations I can’t control very well. I mean ambushes in war I could handle easier than this. It might be something in the air here but I feel like I AM going to go crazy at some point unless I can find something to latch onto. “Also, where I am from, humans are the masters of the universe, but don’t ever let the Elites know that. We have many cultures within our species, many languages, traditions, technologies, and religions. And before you ask, these are not extra legs” he said motioning to his own arms. “These are arms, humans have no need for extra legs, so these evolved to be the most useful appendages in existence behind perhaps the brain and telekinesis.” Twilight at some point floated a scroll and quill over to her and was taking extensive notes… which would likely get stolen by Lyra should she ever find out about this talk. “Interesting, I am sure there is so much more about your culture, but Lyra would be more interested in that, tell me about your biology!” Twilight said with awe. “Oh god… uh… lets just say there are main differences between males and females in our species like yours, only ours are more noticeable" immediately changing the subject he continued, "And as for ‘tribes’ and magic, which I’ve heard so much about since landing here, we don’t have those. We have races sure but biologically we are still exactly the same, nothing like wings vs. horns. Oh and magic… I know you guys keep calling what I do that but we don’t do that.” Twilight put down her notes with a perplexed look on her face as she pouted her lip. “So what are you then? Can all of you do that in that case? Is it gravitational manipulation!? Or- or-…” she was about to go over the thousands of possibilities in her mind before Jude stopped her. “NO! No. I am what’s called a Jedi. Well I am a specific kind of Jedi after living for so long, but I don’t want to go into the teachings of my kind; oh and the Jedi are very very few in number. I WILL say that I am a leader where I am from. You live on this planet only right… well I control a small but powerful empire of over 30 planets. The UNSC controls multiple hundreds of planets; the New Republic thousands!” The two ponies looked a little confused as to what the other two nations were, but didn’t want to slow Jude down. “I am the only successful… ‘dictatorship’ I guess you could call it… in all time. Because I put the people first. And PEOPLE is what you call us other than Human. Or person for singular” “Fascinating!” Twilight said, now writing up a storm. Then it hit her, she just heard him say he controls MULTIPLE planets as their leader, and she was treating him like an experiment. “Oh my Celestia! I am so sorry! You’re a dignitary to here! I didn’t mean to be so rude or threatening to you!” She threw down her notes and attempted a bow. “Say what…” Jude was caught off guard because while he was a leader and by all rights should have met their true leader, he never saw himself that way unless he knew he needed to… mostly for intimidation purposes. “Slow down there pony, I might be a leader… but I am not a very political one, unless it suits me. I fight with my army most of the time. I should have opened with that. While I am the supreme ruler, councils and governors make the local decisions because I fight to keep them safe in the meantime. I do make empire wide decisions, and laws, but I’m a war fighter. I do it best and I do it so evil doesn’t get ahold of my people.” “Really? Is war somethin’ you always do?…” Applejack said with a hint of sadness in her voice. “No. We try to avoid it at all costs. But I won’t lie when I say because there are more humans than ponies I am guessing, we have a lot more bad eggs. But you know… it’s all part of the Human condition.” Jude said to Applejack starting to let his real self back for a short time. “What’s the human condition?” Twilight asked more interested than ever. “That… is something that would drive me insane haha. It’s all encompassing of the human experience and as confusing as String theory… or almost as confusing” Jude said with a laugh at the end. “OK… so now we know why you acted so crazy. The whole condition you have. I mean, you can’t get much more uncontrollable than being in a different dimension while your war goes on without you with no apparent way back” Twilight added not realizing she just said everything that would set Jude off as plainly as the sky is blue and your stuck forever. “Oh… yes… that. I said that earlier huh…” Jude said twitching a little while still looking at Applejack. “Gosh dangit Twi, ya mighta broke him again!” AJ exclaimed seeing Jude twitch more. “EEP! Sorry…” Twilight said from her hoof-covered mouth. “Well… how about we let you know about OUR land now. Would that make you feel calm again?” “Yes… that actually would be a great help” Jude said, his voice calm; his face not. Twilight immediately jumped up over and over yelling, “YAY!”, and continued to jump around as she collected a blackboard, several books, charts, and for some reason a dunce cap. Pinkie Pie would’ve been proud at this feat. Jude however was thought that one of two things could happen, She’s either the absolute nerdiest girl in existence or she is planning an elaborate torture that I trapped myself into. It was the first obviously… but unfortunately for Jude it would FEEL like the second. And being the writer and narrator, we don’t have to suffer through it! Twilight gathered the rest of stuff and with a giant light purple flash, everything was all of a sudden set up like tutor session, complete with a notebook in Jude’s hand (which Twilight got right) and a pencil in his mouth (that’s more Jude’s fault for not explaining). “*Phhhpt* What the hell is all this!?” Jude said as he caught the pencil he spat out, making very absurd movements with it in his hand to show THIS IS WHERE IT BELONGS! NOT MY MOUTH! “This is compressed Equestrian History, Culture, and Society 101! I’ll go over everything that’s essential for you to have a basic understanding of what goes on here!” Twilight now in her studious tone, still happy of course. “Will you go over the more extreme stuff like legends and magic that could send me back?” “I don’t know which would help but I think this is step one to that!” “OK fine…” Jude accepted that this would not be a one-stop shop; he expected he would have to stay a bit anyway, might as well go along with it. Applejack got up and stretched trying to be nonchalant, “OK. Well since his lesson’s gonna begin, Ah’ma gonna skedaddle and leave ya to it.” “Oh no, it’s OK if you stay Applejack” Twilight dryly said, not looking away from the board she was writing on. Now here is Applejack’s predicament. She was the element of honesty, which is a nice way of saying: bad liar! So her options are, tell the truth “Ah really don’t wanna sit through a Twilight brand lecture” and face the inevitable crying; make up a lie to fail at it “Ya see Ah, Ah have to water- the sheep… cut the paint… BYE!”; or sit down and bear with it and maybe (MAYBE! But still not likely) set a good example for Jude. “Oh… OK… if Ah’m not intruding then” AJ made her choice. “Oh you’re not” Twilight said oblivious to AJ’s inner turmoil. “Let’s begin! First Equestria was founded by Celestia, our Sun Goddess and…” - - - - - 3 ½ hours later. Twilight had covered everything from basic rulers, to pony jobs, to the differences and powers of each of the tribes (and many stuff in between). “Oh God… I need you… my brain is at capacity and wants to make room by deleting my soul. I’m sure of it!” Jude said eyes wide open, bloodshot, and baggy while starring off into empty space. “Oh come on this was NEED to KNOW stuff!” Twilight said like he was just being a foal. “Ah- Ah think in yer infinite base of knowledge in here… yer definition of ‘compressed’ is wrong” Applejack said rubbing her temples. “Oh come now! Well at the very least, do you understand how to behave here Jude?” Twilight asked, hoping for a thoughtful answer. “ER… would you be mad at me if I said I’m fighting back the auto-repression function of my brain and that me not trying to hurt anybody- pony would simply be a good place to start?” Jude said trying to be serious, but the headache making it hard. Twilight frowned and her eyes went half-moon as her face screamed ‘irritated disappointment’. “Well OK then!” she perked up after saying that, realizing they still had to go to the others for his orientation to continue, “OH! We still have the others to visit, this should be good!” “OK, I’m ready… I’ve pushed back the demons unleashed inside me and am ready to continue” Jude said with his eyes less bloodshot. “Great! We just can’t let anypony see you at all!” Twilight answered smiling. “Oh great… what are we gonna do now?” TO BE CONTINUED… SOON!