The Truth About "Pokey" Pierce

by Chris

In which life becomes increasingly miserable

When Pierce went back to school the next day, he found a set of blinders at his desk.  Attached was a note:

Sighing, Pierce stuffed the eyeware into his desk.  It wasn’t the first such "gift" he’d received, and he doubted it would be the last.  “Aren’t you going to try them on, Pokey?”  asked Rose, her voice dripping with saccharine.  “I’ll bet you’d look just smashing in blinders, don’t you girls think?”  Giggling, Lilly and Daisy nodded their assent.  “Besides, then you and Derpy could hang out!  Wouldn’t that be cute?  You two could get married and have lots and lots of stupid, funny-eyed kids!”

The mockery didn’t end there, but Pierce had managed to tune it out.  For now.  Instead, he looked over at Ditzy-Doo, or "Derpy" as most of her classmates called her.  Ditzy didn’t look back, of course.  The special blinders she had to wear (which supposedly would help fix her lazy eye) prevented her from seeing any of her classmates with her peripheral vision.  Pierce thought about the daily torment that Ditzy endured, and for a brief moment, he felt like maybe being nicknamed "Pokey" wasn’t the worst thing in the world after all.

His reverie was shattered when Rose noticed the direction of his gaze.  “He’s looking at her!  They are in love!  Oh Pokey, won’t you let me be the bridesmaid?”

Pierce’s cheeks flushed.  “I don’t love Ditz-erm, Derpy!”

Pinkie Pie spun around in her chair.  “You guys need to stop being so mean to Ditzy-Doo!  She looks funny, so what?  I’ll bet you wouldn’t like it if your eyes were all EEGH-” she did a remarkably good impersonation of Ditzy’s eyes- “And everyone around you was all ‘EEW!’ In fact, you know what we should do?  We should have a party for Ditzy!”

Rose’s retort was cut short as Miss Cheerilee entered the classroom.  Pierce tapped his hoof to his head, and swore to himself that he would pay attention in class today.

As soon as the schoolbell rang, most of the class bolted for the door.  Pierce, on the other hand, took several minutes to collect his schoolwork and supplies, having been caught unaware once more by the end of class.  As he poked his head out the door, he saw several of the ponies playing keep-away with Ditzy’s schoolbag.  Pierce sighed in relief, knowing that they would be too busy taunting her to come harass him.  Quietly, stealthily, he made his way though the schoolyard...

“Hiya, Pokey!  I was waiting for you!  What took you so long?”

Pierce jumped at the voice, but relaxed when he saw it was only Pinkie Pie.  Pinkie had never been one to mock or tease.  “Oh, hi Pinkie.  I just...had some stuff.”

“Well, now that you’re here, I want to talk to you!  C’mon, let’s go somewhere we won’t be overheard!”  With a conspiratorial wink, Pinkie took off, leaving Pierce scrambling to keep up.  

Soon, they came to an ally in which lay a large cardboard box.  Somepony had scrawled “Keep Out!  Top Secrit!” on the side.   Pinkie crawled under the box.  As Pierce looked around dubiously, Pinkie’s hoof snaked out from under the box, grabbing him by the mane and pulling him under.

For a moment, Pierce was plunged into darkness.  Panicking, he lit up his horn-one of the only magic tricks he could consistently do.  The light from his horn revealed Pinkie, holding a stack of what appeared to be carpenter’s blueprints.  “Good work, Pokey!  Now we can get to work on Operation Throw a Party for Ditzy-Doo That’s So Fantastic That the Other Ponies Won’t Make Fun of Her Anymore and Everypony Will Be Friends and Have a Great Time!”  Pinkie practically quivered with excitement.  “I came up with the name myself.  What do you think?”

“Um, it’s very...long.  Listen, I-”

Before Pierce could even begin to formulate an objection, Pinkie had spread out the blueprints all over the ground.  “Now, I already talked to C.J., and he’s going to help us bake some treats.  I mean, what kind of party would it be without treats?  And Rainbow Dash is going to keep Ditzy busy all afternoon, so that she doesn’t find out about the party early and spoil the surprise!  I’m going to do all the decorations and setup, but that leaves you with the most important job of all.  Can you handle this kind of responsibility, Pokey?  Huh?  Can you?”

Pierce’s brain struggled to keep up.  “Um...what?”

“Why, you’re in charge of guests, of course!  I need you to go to the other ponies and tell them that we’re having a party for Ditzy, and they’re all invited!”

Pierce blanched.  “Oh...um.  I don’t think that’s-”

“Great!  Well, you’d better hurry, the party’s tonight, that only gives us a couple of hours to prepare!  Now hurry, and make sure you invite everypony in the class!”  And with that, Pinkie shoved Pierce out of the box and, thrusting some hoofmade invitations upon him, sent him on his way.

Standing alone in the alleyway, Pierce considered his options.  He didn’t think it would do much good trying to talk to Pinkie again.  And he had no desire to be the one to invite Rose and her friends to a party for Ditzy.  But then again, he wasn’t about to be the one who spoiled a party for the poor pony, either.

Sighing, he left the alley and started down the road.  Pinkie was right about one thing; he didn’t have a lot of time before the party, and he had lots of invitations to deliver.

Surprisingly, delivering an invitation to Rose wasn’t the worst part of his assignment.  In fact, her father had answered the door, and Pierce had managed to escape without having to see the young filly at all.  In retrospect, the worst was Blues.

When Pierce knocked on the door, Blues had answered right away.  After handing him the invitation and explaining the party, Pierce had been about to leave when Blues stopped him.  “Wait a minute, Pokey,” the much larger pony had said, “So is this party going to have any music?”  

“Um, I guess?  I don’t know.  I’m just supposed to be handing out invitations...”

“Well, me and a couple of the guys have a group, and we could do a song or two when Derpy shows up.  But we could really use a singer.  You’ve got a pretty good voice, don’t you?”

Pierce’s jaw hit the floor.  “ME?  But, I’ve never even sung before!”

“Yeah, but your talking voice is great!  You know the Surprise Party Song, right?”

“Yeah...but...I...”

“Great!  Me and the boys will be there!  You’re going to be great, don’t you worry!”

As Pierce turned around in a daze, Blues added, “Oh, and make sure you wear something nice.  When you’re performing, you’ve gotta look your best, you know?  Do you have a tux?”

“Um...yeah.  But it-”

“Perfect!  Wear that, we’ll see you at the party!”

And with that, Blues shut the door, leaving a very nervous Pierce to continue his rounds while he wondered just what he’d gotten himself into.

Less than two hours later, Pierce was standing on the front stage of Ponyville Plaza’s indoor ballroom, which Pinkie had somehow managed to reserve on only a few hours notice.  He was wearing the powder blue tuxedo with matching bowtie and cummerbund which he had worn in last year’s school play, the sleeves already noticeably short on the young and growing pony.  Behind him were “Blues and the Backbeat Boys,” as the banner over their heads declared, tuning up for the performance.  Already, over thirty ponies were present, and more were still arriving.

“Hey Pokey, you aren’t nervous, are you?”  Blues asked, startling Pierce.

“Um...yeah.  Kinda.”

“Don’t worry, you’re probably a natural.  Just make sure you’re standing right in front of the microphone,” he gestured at the mic and stand, “And everything will go fine.”

Pierce steeled himself.  He hadn’t wanted any of this responsibility, but the more he thought about it, the more he came to realize that this was his big chance to break in with the cool kids.  After all, if Blues and his band were willing to hang out with him, maybe the other ponies would give him a chance, too.  Pierce smiled slightly, as he thought that maybe Pinkie had the right idea after all.  This could be good for him and Ditzy both.

Suddenly, all the lights went down.  Pinkie’s voice cried out, “Ditzy’s coming!  Quick, everyone quiet!  Get ready with the song!”

There was a hush.  Pierce checked with his hoof to make sure the mic was still in front of him, and took a deep breath.  He wished his heart would stop beating so loudly.

The door to the ballroom opened, and Pierce heard Rainbow Dash saying, “Go on in, Ditzy.  There’s something I want to show you.”

Then, the lights came on and everypony in the room cried out “Surprise!” Ditzy nearly toppled over from shock, but Pinkie came running over and quickly guided her to the stage, in front of the band.

“Alright boys, hit it!”

The band began their intro.  Pierce took a deep breath, and began singing.  But...something was wrong.  As he looked around, he saw the ponies in the audience muttering and gesticulating.  They couldn’t hear him!  Frantically, he flicked the mic’s power switch, but there wasn’t any sound coming from the speakers.

He heard the crowd gasp a half-second before something heavy came crashing down on him.  He stood up slowly, not understanding what was happening, when the stench hit his nostrils.  Manure.  He was covered in manure.

He looked around, and saw that Ditzy had been hit as well.  Above the two of them hung a pair of now-empty buckets.
Before he could finish processing the scene, the band started playing again.  A singer joined them.  Pierce looked over and saw Rose, holding another microphone, belting out a well-known tune over the suddenly functional speakers.

“Derpy and Pokey sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G...”

At last, Pokey understood what was going on.  He watched Ditzy fly out the door, bawling her eyes out.  He felt strangely detached from the whole situation.  Slowly, he picked himself up and began walking towards the door through the mass of laughing, shrieking ponies.  Almost as an afterthought, he looked around the crowd.  Most of the ponies were hooting and jeering with callous abandon.  A few even began tossing food and cups at Pierce as he passed.  Pinkie, however, had a look of horror on her face.  He decided that it was good to know that at least Pinkie didn’t seem to be in on the prank, but the thought didn’t penetrate.  Instead, he kept slowly walking to the door, seemingly oblivious to the catcalls as the ponies urged him to go after Derpy, using increasingly lewd language.

Pierce walked to his house, and entered without disturbing his parents.  He threw the old tuxedo away, and took a long shower.  Once he was sure he had all the manure out of his mane, he went straight to bed.
Only then did he begin to cry.

Unnoticed by the ponies at Ditzy’s party, an old black stallion was watching through the window.  He observed everything that happened that night, surreptitiously leaving shortly after the dung-covered unicorn made his exit.  Chortling to himself, the stallion said to the night air, “I suppose those youngsters don’t need my help, do they?  Well, it’s good to have a night off.  Now, I just need to remember to track down that unicorn...after a night like that, I think he might have real potential...”