Celestia becomes meat salad and it's really gross
While writing the invasion chapter, I thought that it was a bit out of character for Twilight to have a boneheaded plan like "drive a monster truck through a window and keep shooting her" for killing Celestia, so I came up with this. While it does provide a very good motive for Celestia making Twilight's eternal life hell in Lavender Alicorn, it was too complicated and disgusting to actually use.
"Then answer me this," Twilight said. "How did you reach the throne room?"
"What?"
"It's a simple enough question. You were drinking tea in the throne room when Applejack smashed her truck in. How did you get there?"
Celestia thought back, struggling. Her face contorted into absolute horror. "You couldn't have."
"I have."
Celestia woke up, which was shocked enough, considering it was the middle of the day and she didn't remember sleeping.
What was slightly more surprising was that she was paralyzed and her insides were spread open like a dissected frog.
"What?" she got out, despite her lungs being on the opposite end of the room.
"We've been running simulations in your head to find out what will kill you," Twilight said. "This is round six. I was hoping this," she gestured to Celestia's grotesque state, "would be enough, but clearly not. If you know what kills you, I would recommend speaking up. Otherwise we'll have to resort to other means."
Celestia had some trouble connecting these points, probably because her brain was having trouble connecting over a 6 foot diameter. "Other… means?"
"Killing you is the most humane way of overthrowing you. Incapacitating you is fine. We could lock your body parts in magically sealed boxes across Equestria buried underground with a perception filter on them." Twilight gestured to the prepared boxes. "And chances are you'll stay conscious because, well, you are now. You don't want that, do you?"
Celestia could only stare at her blankly.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said, "I'll reassemble your head."
She did so.
"I take it back," Celestia said once her lips were back on. "This is definitely not an average overthrowing attempt." She smiled, which, given her situation and hastily patched together head, creeped everyone out slightly more than knowing the person who made her like that. "Since I'm currently pretty incapacitated, maybe you'd care to explain why I can't remember how I got here?"
"Memory altering spells," Twilight said. "Always a specialty of mine. I don't remember planning half of this. And the more groggy you are the safer you are, so don't expect to get them back anytime soon. In five minutes you won't remember this conversation."
"You lured me with a cake, didn't you?"
"If you're not going to take this seriously I'll spread out your brain again."
"I'll be more annoying like that and you know it."
They stared at each other.
Celestia grunted a little and looked annoyed. "Why can't I use magic?"
"I have a machine that's draining your underground magic reservoir," Twilight said. "Also I filed your horn off."
"But… I regenerate."
"We haven't destroyed any part of your body. Look around you."
Celestia looked around her and saw that, much to his chagrin, she currently covered most of the room. "Right," she said. "How am I not in screaming agony right now?"
"Anesthetics. We can't enter your mind if all you're thinking about his pain."
"Thanks."
"Uh, Twi?" Applejack said. "Isn't this a bit excessive?"
Twilight groaned. "You've asked me that five times now."
"What? No I haven't."
"Our memory has been altered six times, once for each time we've been in her head. You must've forgotten."
"Uh, right." Applejack looked worried. "Is this good for us? This is going to be one of those things that has a bunch of side effects, isn't it?"
"No, I don't think so. But I probably would have wiped that from my memory too."
"Comforting."
"She poses a legitimate question, you know," Celestia said.
"What, me being excessive or the side effects?"
"You know what? Both. Couldn't you have just tied me up?"
"That would not only fail, but probably turn you on."
"And about those side effects…"
"Oh, here we go."
"If you wanted to surrender now, I would let you, content in the knowledge that in about five years you would probably not be able to remember your own name."
"That isn't true."
"Well, neither of us can prove that because you're the first person I know of that's fucked up their own head this much."
"Well, which one of us is meat salad right now?"
"I'm immortal. This is only a minor setback."
"Not for long," Twilight said. "We've just got one more thing to try and then we're boxing you up."
"One more thing?"
Other Scootaloo Confession
Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash's confrontation in the planning chapter was near impossible to write. I had to go to rewrite it a couple times before settling on the final one.
Take 1
"Come back!" Rainbow Dash said.
"No! This is sick!" Scootaloo yelled. "I'm not going to be your guys' meat shield no matter what you say!"
She ran off.
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight said. "Chase after her!"
She didn't need to tell her twice.
Scootaloo ran as fast as she could, but it only did so much could when she couldn't fly. Rainbow Dash caught up with her quickly.
"No! No!" Scootaloo screamed, struggling. "Get away from me! Get away from me, you sicko!"
Rainbow Dash looked Scootaloo in the eyes, then hugged her.
And it didn't break any ribs or anything.
"Wha… bu… you…" Scootaloo stammered.
Rainbow Dash let go. "I'm sorry," she said.
"What?"
"For all my abuse."
Scootaloo was silent.
"Why?" she asked. "Why now? Because it's convenient?"
"Because we might not live to tomorrow," Rainbow Dash said. "And I have something I want to tell you."
"What is it?"
Take 2
"Why did you do it?"
"The first time was an accident," Rainbow Dash said. "You remember that?"
"You dropped me onto a pile of knives."
"Yeah, that," Rainbow Dash said. "I thought for sure you were dead. I couldn't believe what I had just done. But then you just came back like nothing had happened. You barely even noticed the pain." She became more serious. "And that's when I figured it out. I tried other things to make sure, and I am. You're immortal, Scootaloo."
"I know."
"You… wait, what?"
"Pinkie Pie told me."
"Pinkie Pie?"
"She tried to phase into me once," Scootaloo said. "It hurt more than anything. I thought I was going to die. Then she came out, apologized, and said I was immortal. I believed her."
Rainbow Dash stopped. "What did you say?"
"She said I was immortal."
"No, before that."
"I thought I was going to die."
"What… what do you mean?"
"Well, for one, it hurt a lot more than anything else," Scootaloo said. "I barely noticed being dropped on a pile of knives, so that means something, right? Also… I started seeing things. Strange things that I never want to see again."
Rainbow Dash stepped back, awestruck. "Could it be…?"
"Could it be what?"
"Could it be Pinkie Pie is the only way to kill an immortal?"
They both thought about that for a couple seconds.
"That," Scootaloo said, "makes a disturbing amount of sense."
Rainbow Dash patted Scootaloo on the back. "You, Scootaloo," she said, "might've just won us the war. Come on, let's go back. They won't need you if they know that."
"Wait!"
Rainbow Dash turned back. "What?"
"You said you tried things on me to make sure I was immortal," Scootaloo said. "Is that why you abused me so much? To find out? Couldn't you have just asked?"
Final version
Scootaloo ran as quickly as she could. She started to give up when she heard that familiar wing flapping behind her. Rainbow Dash.
"I'm not going to be your guys' meat shield!" Scootaloo yelled. "You're all sick!"
Rainbow Dash looked confused. "Oh, I don't care about that."
"What?"
"I just need to make sure you aren't going to tell anyone."
Scootaloo glared. "Really? Who would even believe me?"
"After watching someone's body reconstructing, people start believing a lot," Rainbow Dash said.
"Good point." Scootaloo paused. "And how would you know that?"
"Because I saw your body reconstructing first. And I started believing a lot."
Scootaloo was silent. She sat down. Rainbow Dash had managed to get out a couple coherent sentences in a row, so she figured it was safe to lower her guard a bit.
Rainbow Dash said next to her. "You want to know why I bugged you so much?" she asked.
"Because you're an asshole?"
"I wanted to make sure you were immortal."
"That's a very good reason," Scootaloo said, "that you are an asshole."
"Yeah, you're right."
That caught Scootaloo off guard.
Rarity Tries to Find Twilight's Stash
This was originally in the middle of Rarity and Twilight's confrontation about Twilight's feelings for Obama. It was funny, but ruined the flow of the scene so much I couldn't think of how to continue the scene and had to cut it.
"…YOU RAPED HIM!" Twilight yelled, in absence of any better retort.
"Really, dear, you keep saying that," Rarity said. "I've got some advice. Don't try to take the moral high ground with me. You aren't so pure yourself. If you were, how could you explain…" She reached out a hoof and pointed. "…THIS!"
Twilight followed Rarity's hoof to see she was pointing at a completely random bookshelf. "What?"
"Okay then, how about… THIS!"
Another bookshelf. "Rarity, what are you doing?"
Rarity blinked. "What? Seriously? Where do you keep your smut? That usually works."
After coming to terms with the idea that the rest of Ponyville had enough pornography that one could find it by pointing around randomly, Twilight replied with, "Neatly filed away in the erotica section, genius, just like it was when I moved in."
"Oh, sure," Rarity replied. "Blame it on the last librarian."
"I tried to get rid of it, but City Hall wouldn't stand for it."
"Sure."
They both stared at each other a bit.
Rarity scratched her head. "What were we talking about again?"
Derpy committed scene
This was originally part of the scene where Twilight and Obama are talking about their situation before planning to recruit Applejack. It drops some pretty important hints about the smart Derpy situation, but it's pretty much incomprehensible without knowing the rest of the continuity, and broke the mood enough I couldn't figure out how to continue the scene.
The Derpy "doing things to the rock" is a reference to a clopfic parody I was planning. The first chapter, "Between a Rock and a Hard Pegasus", would have been about Derpy screwing what is presumably a stallion but then turns out to be Tom the rock. Then Rarity appears, and in a fit of jealousy, turns into a giant crab. Then they have hot steamy giant crab sex.
I dropped the project after I read a couple real clopfics and realized that would actually be pretty average.
"So, what happened to Derpy?"
"You remember that rock you tied her to?" Twilight looked embarrassed. "Someone started hearing her… doing things to the rock."
"Doing things?"
"You don't want to know. Eventually, she broke free of the rope and started stumbling around. She didn't get far. She kept screaming nonsense and backing into corners terrified. You know, the usual harbringer of doom stuff… how Equestria was going to be destroyed, and how it never ends, incomprehensible prophecies…"
"Who caught her?"
"Well, that's the thing." Twilight started thinking. "Applejack and Rainbow Dash went up to catch her, but… they couldn't. They had to call me for help."
Obama looked confused. "They couldn't? I thought they were the most active ponies in a 200 mile radius."
"They are. That's what made it so strange. It was like Derpy could see what we were going to do before we did it. She could dodge us without even thinking," Twilight said. "The worst part was, right when we had her in our clutches, Derpy looked straight at me in utter terror and said… 'I can see you in a thousand years. You're on top of the ruins of Canterlot with a princess. And there's nothing we can do to stop it.'"
"What do you think it means?" Obama said, trying his best to look pensive.
"I don't know," Twilight said. "I don't know." She looked down. "What do you think is going on? Things never used to be like this. I heard Derpy said that something was wrong with this world. That something got changed. Maybe she was right. Things only recently started to deviate from the TV show of us in your world."
"Maybe things were always like this, and you just never noticed," Obama said.
"Maybe," Twilight said. "There are so many things I haven't even thought about until now."
"Like Celestia?"
The elephant in the room.
"Do you still think we need to overthrow her?"
"Unless you have any other ideas."
"Because," Twilight said, "overthrowing her means killing her."
There was an awkward pause.
"Whatever you have to do," Obama said.
Twilight wasn't quite sure Obama was thinking this through. "Uh," she said. "Are you sure?"
Obama realized he might have hit a nerve.
Government
Originally, I was going to make Mayor Mayor's response to Obama's question about the princesses important to the plot. I couldn't think of anything meaningful she would say, though, so I dropped it.
"Tell me," Obama said as he and Mayor Mare walked through Ponyville. "What is your opinion of Princess Celestia and Luna?"
"Oh, I like them just fine," Mayor Mare replied. "They gave us this town, and they raise the sun so we can all live! But just between you and me, Luna is a bit of a slacker."
"Here we are!" Mayor Mare said. "Town hall!"
It was incredibly uninteresting.
Pinkie Pie entered Scootaloo's brain
I don't know why this isn't deleted scenes. I think I used it.
"Oh," Scootaloo said, putting her hoof on her head. "I have such a headache…"
"I can fix that!" Pinkie Pie said. Before Scootaloo could stop her, she entered Scootaloo's head.
If she wasn't immortal, the pain alone would've killed her.
Skydiving
The scene was just so utterly random I had no idea what to do with it. I don't even remember where it was supposed to go.
– – – –
"What's wrong, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom asked. "You just stopped dead in your tracks."
"I think something bad is about to happen," Scootaloo said.
"Like what?"
"Like…" Scootaloo said ominously. "…Rainbow Dash."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gulped.
"Don't worry!" Apple Bloom said, grabbing Scootaloo's shoulders. "We'll protect you! We'll stand in front of you! There's no way she would hurt three children!"
Rainbow Dash proceeded to come out of nowhere and knock the three of them down like bowling pins.
"Hey Scoots!" she said, holding a terrified Scootaloo. "What do you want to do today?"
"Be away from you!" Scootaloo yelled.
"Aw, I know you don't really mean that," Rainbow Dash replied. "But guess what! I got a surprise for you today!"
Scootaloo whimpered. This was bad.
Rainbow Dash got three parachutes out from nowhere. "You guys keep talking about getting cutie marks in skydiving, so guess what? I've got some parachutes! Let's go!"
She scooped up the Cutie Mark Crusaders and started flying up.
"R–Rainbow Dash!" Sweetie Belle yelled. "We need our parachutes! You left our parachutes behind!"
"Oh, those?" Rainbow Dash said. "You know, it's a bad idea to use those until you dive without parachutes a couple of times."
Sweetie Belle nodded, then realized what she just heard. "WHAT!? No it isn't!"
"Oh, you'll be fine," Apple Bloom said. "Just use your freaky demon powers or whatever to save us."
"For the last time, I'm not possessed by a demon!" Sweetie Belle yelled.
They climbed higher and higher. Ponyville now only looked a couple of inches big, and you could even see the giant pentagram Fluttershy had drawn around the town.
"Guys!" Scootaloo said. "Do something!"
"What you want me to do? Bite her so we fall to our death!?" Apple Bloom yelled.
"Oh! That's right!" Sweetie Belle said. "Twilight taught me a spell for when this type of thing happens!"
"For when what type of thing happens?"
"For when Rainbow Dash kidnaps us and carries us to an absurdly high altitude."
Apple Bloom blinked. "That's… specific."
"You can never be too careful with Rainbow Dash."
Original My Little Dashie Explanation
I remember someone commented on how graceful the My Little Dashie crossover was in the Rainbow Dash chapter, which made me feel happy since originally it was pretty awkward.
"What about your secret?"
"Oh, that." Rainbow Dash got closer to Obama. "I haven't told anyone else this…"
Obama got his hopes up. Maybe this would finally free Scootaloo!
"…except for all my close friends…"
Okay, maybe not.
"The truth is," Rainbow Dash said. "I met a human before they started appearing in Equestria. It all happened when I appeared in New York…"
Obama laughed. "Oh, come on, I think I would've heard of that!" he said.
"The man who found me didn't trust the government."
Obama was slightly offended. "I still don't believe you," he said.
Rainbow Dash smirked. "Remember that explosion that broke a bunch of windows in that abandoned neighborhood?"
"The gas leak?"
"You mean sonic rainboom."
Obama thought about it. Then he shook his head. "No, that's ridiculous," he said, sitting inside a floating house with a rainbow maned blue flying pony. "Completely ridiculous."
"I watched your inauguration speech."
"Wait, what?"
"It wasn't very good."
"How long were you there?"
"15 years."
Obama did the math in his head. "How old are you?"
"18."
Obama did more math in his head. "How… how does that work?"
"Twilight messed up with her magic. Really bad."
Obama stared.
Rainbow Dash got out her excuse for everything. "…and Pinkie Pie."
Obama nodded. "Makes sense."
"So anyways, he raised and loved me, we became family, I was really happy and stuff, and then Celestia and the gang came carted me off home and erased all traces of my existence."
There were many directions Obama was expecting this to take, and that was not one of them. He grasped. "And… you wouldn't happen to have any grudge against Celestia for this, would you?
"What? No!" Rainbow Dash said, confused. "Why would you even ask that?"
"Oh, no reason," Obama lied. He tried to redirect the conversation. "So, what are your opinions on Scootaloo?"
Mayor Mare callback
This was another attempt to make the Mayor Mare line plot important. It was supposed to go right in the end of the finale. I removed it because it was a bit out of character for Mayor Mare and, most importantly, the dramatic moment ruined the banana joke.
Obama watched as Twilight trotted off with shame. He remembered what happened the first day he came to Ponyville…
– – – –
"Tell me," Obama asked. "What is your opinion of Princess Celestia and Luna?"
Mayor Mare paused. "Why?"
"Just wondering."
Mayor Mare looked at Obama. "That isn't true, and you know it."
Silence.
"You're trying to get to the top, aren't you? Just give up. They've been doing this for 1000 years. They can do it for 1000 more."
"But do you want that to happen?"
Mayor Mare glared. "I want no one to get hurt. If I say I don't like them, is that going to make that okay?"
"No one is going to get hurt."
"You think," Mayor Mare said. "I know. Mark my words. If you don't give up now, you're going to end up hurting yourself and everyone around you."
Obama paused. "Okay then. You've convinced me. I'll give up."
"Good," Mayor Mare said, convinced.
– – – –
Colorist
This was originally part of the gang visiting Twilight in jail. I scrapped that when I realized I had already established the slightly more logical heterophobia thing.
"How come it took an act of god to get just a restraining order for Rainbow Dash, but they're able to hold you on such flimsy evidence!?" Obama said.
"Oh, the police here are really colorist," Rainbow Dash said. "I can get away with anything since my coat is a light blue instead of Twilight's dark purple."
Obama gaped. "Tell me she's kidding," he asked Twilight.
"I think so, but honestly, it explains a lot," Twilight said.
Alternate Pinkie Pie amputation scene
Just a version of this scene with bad pacing I rewrote.
For those of you wondering what the hell was going on with the Pinkie Pie chapter, mainly I just thought it would be funny to have Pinkie Pie be an eldritch abomination. It was also supposed to hint at Pinkie Pie being the immortal killer, which originally I was only going to reveal in the sequel but managed to work into this story fine.
Everyone else nodded, and they headed out to the hallway. Once outside, they heard the sound of a blade sharpening, then Pinkie Pie's piercing scream. Then there was a pause, and some murmurs of confusion. Then another scream. And another. Suddenly, the doctor and both nurses ran out, terrified.
"What!?" Twilight yelled after them. "What's wrong!?" They just kept running. Twilight and the others burst in to the operating room, only to find…
Pinkie Pie happily bouncing around, all her limbs intact.
"What?"
"How–?"
Pinkie Pie grinned. "Oh, it grew back!"
"What grew back from what and how?" Twilight asked.
An angry lab intern walked in. "Very funny," he said. "We tested that ‘infectious disease tissue' and determined that it's… common mold."
"COMMON MOLD!?" Applejack yelled, scaring the intern. She whipped her head around to Pinkie Pie. "What was mold doing on your leg!?"
"I guess I have some explaining to do!" Pinkie Pie said. "I usually don't tell this to people because she said it totally freaks them out, but it won't bug you guys because you're my friends, right? Right?"
"She?" Twilight said. "Who's—?"
"Someone you're very close to!" Pinkie Pie said. "Anyways, I think the best way to explain this is visually. Because we are all visual learners, right? There! Take a look at what they cut off!"
Twilight blinked. "What they—? If you still have all your legs, they obviously didn't cut off anything."
"Not… necessarily…" said a horrified Rainbow Dash. She held up Pinkie Pie's severed moldy leg.
Rarity screamed. "Agh! Don't wave that thing around like that! You'll get blood…" Then, upon noticing the lack of blood anywhere, "…everywhere…"
"How did they stop the bleeding, anyway?" Applejack said.
"They didn't have to!" Pinkie Pie said. "I don't have blood!"
"Pinkie Pie," Twilight said. "That's impossible."
"Smell that piece!" Pinkie Pie said. "Tell me what you smell!"
Applejack obliged. She walked over to Rainbow Dash and smelled Pinkie Pie's severed leg. "Cotton… candy." She looked up at Pinkie Pie. "You're cotton candy."
"Correctamudo!" Pinkie Pie said.
"And you get moldy."
"Yep. Happens all the time."
"What? Come on, we would know about it if it happened all the time," Twilight said.
"I usually chop off my moldy pieces before it gets too bad," Pinkie Pie said. "I just didn't get a chance with everything that's been going on recently!"
"C-Chop off?" Rarity said.
"Yep! Doesn't hurt a bit!" Pinkie Pie said. "I just screamed back there to make it more exciting!"
"And so… what do you do with these chopped off pieces?" Rainbow Dash said, putting Pinkie Pie's severed leg back on the floor.
"I usually bake them into my cupcakes," Pinkie Pie said. "It turns out the secret ingredient in my baking is Pinkie Pie!"
Applejack hit her head a couple of times. "Okay, so let me get this straight. You're living blob of cotton candy that gets moldy and feels no pain."
Pinkie Pie nodded.
"And we've been eating you for the last five years."
Pinkie Pie nodded.
Applejack pulled her hat down. "I think I need to rethink my life," she said, walking out.
"Okay, so what about all your space bending tricks?" Twilight said. "How do you do those?"
"What, you guys can't do that?" Pinkie Pie said from inside a pill bottle.
Twilight groaned.
…
Original Fluttershy lead up
Likewise here. Also, I figured it would be difficult for even the Obamaverse Fluttershy to talk her way out of wantonly murdering animals.
The Fluttershy joke started out as a reference to the Mentally Advanced Series, where no one gets Fluttershy's name right. I'm a huge fan, so I gave someone a line like "she doesn't like it when people screw up her name," and then I was like, how do they know that? Because she rips anyone who gets her name wrong to shreds. Obviously. And of course, the only person this would happen to would be Scootaloo, since I had already decided she was immortal.
The not talking thing was an idea I used in another story I had been waiting to reuse. It has some plot importance I might develop in the sequel.
– – – –
After guilt tripping Twilight and Rarity into buying a bunch of useless crap, the Cutie Mark Crusaders stood in front of Fluttershy's cottage. They gulped.
Apple Bloom started backing away. "You know, I said this was going to be easy, but now that we're actually going to do it…"
"Oh, come on!" Scootaloo yelled. "Don't tell me you're getting cold feet now!"
"Well, this is where they found the corpse of that community organizer, isn't it?" Sweetie Belle said, looking down. "Who knows what could happen to us?"
"Yeah, but Fluttershy didn't have anything to do with that," Scootaloo said.
Apple Bloom nodded. "She said so herself. You can always trust Fluttershy!"
Sweetie Belle shivered. "But still…"
"Argh. If both of you are afraid, I'll do it," Scootaloo said. "Let's do this."
Scootaloo knocked on the door, and upon noticing it was open, walked in. The house appeared empty.
"Hey, Fluttershy?" Scootaloo said, a hint of nervousness in her voice. "You in here?"
They rounded a corner and saw Fluttershy choking the chicken. To death. No, like, literally, she was choking a chicken to death.
The other two froze in fear, but Scootaloo was used to such sights. After all, she was usually on the receiving end. "If you're busy, we can come back later," she said.
Fluttershy snapped the chicken's neck and said it was fine. She asked what the kids wanted.
"We-we're here to sell you some cookies for our school fundraiser," Sweetie Belle mumbled. "It's to, uh…" She looked at the bloody chicken corpse on the ground. "…fight animal cruelty, so if you're interested in that…"
"It's only 20 bits for three cookies!" Apple Bloom said.
Sweetie Belle backtracked. "But if you don't want to contribute, that's fine too…"
Twilight is a masochist
I have no idea why I wrote this, and why it remained in the story for so long. I think I was depressed or something. It basically contradicts everything about Twilight's character.
"Did you come all the way down here just to tell me that?" Rarity asked.
"No."
"Then why?"
"Because I'm a masochist."
Rarity blinked.
"What would you do if I told you," she said, "that I laced this tea with laxatives?"
"I would believe you."
"Aphrodisiacs?"
"I'm desperate enough."
"Male hormones?"
"You're not even thinking outside the box," Twilight said. "Celestia's top student, remember?"
"What did they teach you, how to lace drinks?"
"Let's just say when Celestia gives you a drink, you check it first. I usually didn't."
Rarity reeled. "So you're really—"
"Stupid? Yes. Now immune to laxatives? Yes. A masochist? Probably."
Rarity started to reach for something, but Twilight stopped her. "No, I don't want a whip."
"But—"
"I like psychological torment better. I can probably blame Celestia for that, too."
Rarity thought about it for a bit. "Celestia, Celestia, Celestia… You're here because you can't think of anything to raise the sun, aren't you?"
"You catch on quick."