“What the—HEY!!!”
You ignored the vexation of the yellow mare you had just jumped over. You were on a dead run through Ponyville plaza, dodging shopping stalls and somewhat confused ponies as you moved. One had darted into your path from blind corner and, not being able to stop in time, you had jumped as if she was a hurdle. Your feet had just barely grazed her back, but never the less you had managed to jump clean over her without causing a catastrophe. You were almost out of breath; your chest was sending shivers of pain through your body to try and coax you into stopping and resting.
Can’t stop. She’d catch me.
You knew you had a snowball’s chance in hell of outrunning a pony, and found yourself silently wishing you had taken Bon Bon up on her offer the other day: You’d have no problem making your getaway if you had a sulky to ride. You spotted Lyra’s place and, while praying she was home every step of the way, made a mad dash for her door.
“Lyra! Lyra!!!”
You didn’t have time to knock. You barely had the time to pray no one was behind the door as you hurled it open with a crash, ran in, and slammed it behind you. With deep gasps you struggled to catch your breath, and in a mere moment you saw a very surprised and noticeably irritated aquamarine face peek around the corner.
“Sheesh. You almost gave me a heart attack.” She said, making an almost successful attempt to hide her obvious anger, “Is knocking going out of style or something, Twinkle Toes?!”
You ran to her, dropped to your knees, and planted your hands on her shoulders. “Lyra, for God’s sake you’ve gotta hide me! She’s after me!!!”
Her eyes widened and she threw her hooves around you. “Whoa, calm down! What happened?! Who’s after you?!”
Before you could answer, a rather musical knock announced the arrival of the pony you were trying to escape. You ducked out from under Lyra’s forelegs and pulled away. “I’m not here; you didn’t see me here; you haven’t seen me in forever!” You didn’t even give her time to respond before you darted into the small closet in the hallway and pulled the door shut behind you.
There was the same knock at the door, albeit a bit faster this time. You had a clear view from the louvers in the closet door: Lyra peered over in your direction twice, looking more scared each time she did. She finally and cautiously approached her front door and opened it slowly. “Oh! Hi, P—” she began to say before being abruptly cut off by the loud bang of a party popper, a rain of confetti, and a canned recording of The Merry Go Round Broke Down.
“Hello Lyra Heartstrings, you’re welcomed to my bash!
We’re gonna throw a party, for good old Rainbow Dash!
There’ll be cake and ice cream, and lots of games to play!
‘Cause Dashie’s one year older, and it is her birthday!”
That’s right. Keep singing. I’m not here, I’m not here, I’m not here.
Lyra hopped on the spot with a giddy, excited squee. “When is it?!”
“Tonight!” hollered Pinkie Pie, every bit as excited. “Butterfingers is invited as well! Is he here?! Ooh, he’ll be so excited! I’ve been looking all over town for him for like forever but he’s so hard to find even though he’s the only human that lives here I mean he should stick out like a sore hoof! Even though he doesn’t have hooves!”
You almost shuddered loud enough to blow your cover. You were seriously fed up with the goofy nicknames, and wished that just once they’d call you by your real name.
Lyra stopped hopping and chuckled uncomfortably. She glanced over at the closet door very briefly, almost as if she was considering ratting you out, but instead turned back and put on a straight face. “Uh… no, I haven’t seen him. I think he’s working today; did you check the Post Office?”
“I did! Twice! Even though Derpy said he wasn’t working the first time! You know, I wanted to make sure! He’ll be so sad if he misses another party of mine! That’ll be two, and I’ve only thrown three since he got here!” She put her foreleg around Lyra and leaned in as if to whisper, but spoke loud enough for you to hear. “And we can’t let that happen. If he comes to my party he’ll have lots of laughs, and laughter is the music of the soul, and I’d be so sad if his soul wasn’t singing!”
WHAT?!
Lyra seemed every bit as confused as you by that statement. “Oh, I’m sure he’ll swing by at some point today. I’ll keep an eye out. That way you won’t have to check back here, because you’ll know I’ll tell him if he shows up.”
Lyra. You are frigging amazing.
“Okie-dokie-lokie! I knew I could count on you! Oh, and give him this!” Pinkie Pie tossed a purple cardboard box wrapped in a bow to Lyra, who caught it mid-air with her magic. “I felt so bad that he missed my last party, so I brought him this so he wouldn’t feel left out. Well, I’m off! I know he’s around town somewhere. You know what I need?! A pegasus’ eye view! I’ll find him yet! See you tonight, Lyra!”
The door closed with a slam, and you let out a deep sigh. You crept from the closet and peeked out the window to make sure she had left, and rather than see her hop away like normal you watched as she flew lazily away on a ridiculous flying contraption. The machine she rode looked like something Wile E. Coyote could make out of a candy shop and a tandem bicycle.
“And there goes everything I’ve ever understood about physics, floating away with Pinkie Pie’s flying machine.” You said in a defeated tone before slumping down in the large comfortable armchair in the corner of the room. Lyra locked the front door and turned to face you with concern in her eyes. She clambered into the chair beside you and threw her hooves around you, cuddling your cheek against the soft warm fluff of her neck. You immediately tried to pull away and she gripped tighter, resting her chin on the top of your head as she shushed you in a calm and caring tone. “Alright,” she said softly as if she were comforting a pet, “You’re safe now. Nopony knows you’re here. Who’s after you?”
You honestly couldn’t tell if her ‘comforting’ was sarcastic or sincere. “What?! Pinkie Pie! Who else would be after me?”
“Say what?” She said in disbelief as she tilted her head to make eye contact with you. “You’re hiding from Pinkie? Why?”
You sat idle for a moment, hoping she’d stop cuddling you. “Okay, seriously. Let go.” You said as you struggled to get away.
She clamped her forelegs around your neck and forehead, holding you in a surprisingly strong headlock. “Not. Until. You tell me!” She said tauntingly. She gave you a noogie, laughing at your failed attempt to escape her grasp. You finally reached around and tickled under her foreleg, making her loosen her grip with a loud shriek, which you took advantage of to pull out of her embrace. She fell to her belly in the chair with a fit of laughter, as you only rubbed your head and glared at her with a smirk.
“Here!” She said still chuckling, and the box she had been given floated in front of you. “Pinkie brought it for you. Open it up; it’s probably something good to eat!”
You gingerly plucked the box from the yellow glow that suspended it in the air. “I don’t know… I’m afraid Pinkie Pie might jump out of it.”
Lyra scoffed. “We both saw—”
“Yeah, I know we both watched her fly away. You think that could stop her? Then again, what if she’s counting on me not to open the box? What if it’s a ‘party bomb’ on a timer that’ll explode and decorate the house just in time for her to show up with guests?! What if—”
“Alright.” Chuckled Lyra in a sing-song tone. “Time to calm down there. You’re reaching ‘creepy’ on the paranoid scale.”
“I’m not being paranoid!”
“You just accused Pinkie Pie of rigging an explosive charge in a box that will explode and somehow decorate your house with streamers and balloons, and in perfect time for her to arrive with guests. I know you guys have some pretty crazy technology where you’re from, but—”
“Don’t give me that! She has a flipping cannon that shoots party favors! A cannon! I saw it!”
“Well, yeah. That’s different.”
“HOW IS IT DIFF—” You threw your hands over your head and silenced yourself with an exasperated sigh. You’ve argued over what does and doesn’t make sense in Equestria before, and it’s an argument you never win. “Ugh, never mind, it doesn’t matter. All I’ve got to do is stay out of her cross-hairs until the party tonight. Then I’m a free man.”
Lyra cocked an eyebrow. “Why do you hate Pinkie Pie and her parties so much? They’re awesome.”
“I don’t hate Pinkie Pie! I… Well… She… scares the crap out of me.”
“What.”
“Look. I can accept magic, and talking ponies, and every little out-to-lunch thing about this place. Just today I went to the library to return a book. I spent an hour there, hanging out with a baby dragon who is the assistant to a unicorn who is the protégé of a princess who is thousands of years old, who receives letters from that protégé through the baby dragon’s magical breath.”
“Okay, and I had fried oats for breakfast.” Said Lyra calmly. “What’s your point?”
“The point is, is I can accept that. Pinkie Pie, on the other hand, well, what the heck is she?!”
Lyra sat quietly for a moment and stared at you with an odd expression. “This is going to be one of your trademark flip-outs, isn’t it? Fine, I’m curious.” She smiled and made enough room for you to sit with her in the chair, and patted the cushion. “Get comfy and tell Auntie Lyra all about it.”
Not having a snide comeback ready, you put the box on the table and sat down in the chair beside her. “So, the other day, right?” You said to begin your story. “Pinkie Pie invited me into the bakery to try her new cupcake recipe. I was busy, so I turned her down. So she grabbed me and dragged me inside anyways.”
“So?”
“So I was about ten feet away from the door! She stretched or something, I swear she stretched!”
“Yeah, right.” She said dismissively. “You weren’t paying attention and she snuck up on you is what happened.”
“Oh yeah? Well, how about this: There are two of her, okay? Two of her! Maybe more!”
“Huh?”
“A week ago she came into the Post Office to pick up a package. When I told her it was from her parents, she started jumping all over the place and singing this random song out of nowhere about family bonds.”
Lyra laughed. “Yeah, that’s pretty standard Pinkie Pie behavior so far.”
“She was right in front of me, but then I saw another Pinkie pop out of the letter bin behind me! It was only out of the corner of my eye, but I know what I saw!”
“Oh come on!” Said Lyra. “Isn’t one of her enough? I think more than one Pinkie would destroy the town.”
“Okay, you have a point.” You thought for a moment, “So she can make temporary clones or something! Or illusions! Or she has a twin sister who pops by on occasion to sing back-up!”
Lyra patted your knee. “Now you’re just grasping for an explanation. Do you know how silly you sound right now?”
She kept her hoof on your knee long enough for you to glance her way, and she twitched her ear with a hopeful smile. You knew what she wanted, and ever since being caught with Bon Bon you didn’t have the means to turn her down. Absent-mindedly, you scratched behind her ear and continued speaking. “The first month I was here, she comes running up to me with an umbrella in her mouth. On a sunny, cloudless day. She tells me to stand still and holds it above my head. Not knowing any better, I do it.”
“And…?” Lyra said, happily enjoying her ear scratch.
“And a few seconds later a tomato falls from the sky and hits it. As it turns out a pegasus was carrying groceries far above me, and just happened to have a hole in his bag that just happened to let a tomato loose at exactly the right time and place to hit me. And then she laughs and says something about how if she hadn’t stopped me it would have missed anyway!”
“Okay, you get that one. When her tail twitches, just run for cover. Poor Twilight Sparkle learned that the hard way. Or… does the twitchy tail mean run to high ground? No, I’m sure it means—”
“I get it.” You said.
Lyra stood up and patted your shoulder. “Look, Pinkie Pie’s… different. She’s like abstract art, you could try and figure her out or you could just take her for what she is and get on with your day.”
You thought about that for a moment. “Maybe you’re right. But she still freaks me out.”
“So, are you going to open her present yet?” Said Lyra as she licked her lips. “There’s something tasty in there, I know it, and you owe me for giving you sanctuary.”
You stood up and paused over it for a moment. Cautiously you opened it and… nothing. No explosion, and no Pinkie Pie. Inside the box was a beautifully made cake bearing the message ‘sorry you couldn’t make it’ surrounded by candies and a big smiling sun. It was your favorite flavor of cake slathered in a thick layer of your favorite frosting, and she had even gone to the trouble of decorating it with your favorite kind of candy. It smelled absolutely delicious.
Lyra peeked into the box and hungrily said “Oh YEAH. Cut me a slice of that!”
You barely heard her. You were too busy staring at the cake she had made. You had never told her any of these things were your favorite; she must have gone around asking to find out exactly what kinds of things you liked in a cake. She had obviously poured so much love and effort into this cake to make it as enjoyable to you as possible, and she hardly even knew you.
And here I am, scared of her and blowing off her party.
Your shoulders hung with the realization of how big of a jerk you were being. You had spent so much time concentrating on how weird Pinkie Pie could be that you hadn’t even bothered to think about what she was trying to do for you. All she wanted was to make you happy, and you were acting like she was out to kill you.
Lyra’s hoof nudged you. “You alright?”
“You know what, Lyra?” You said sadly. “I’m going to go to that party tonight after all.”
No sooner had you said that, there was a knock at the door. Lyra slapped her forehead with her hoof. “Oh, blast it! That’s Bon Bon! I was supposed to find that sweater she lent me! Hey, can you keep her busy for me while I hunt it up?”
You nodded and Lyra ran around the corner into her bedroom. Still looking behind you, you opened the door. A loud bang and a shower of confetti caught you off-guard and knocked you off your feet.
“So you will come after all?! Great!!!” Said an overly happy Pinkie Pie.
“AAAGH!!!”
“It’s tonight at six, okay? You’ll have a great time! Ooh, you don’t have to foalsit again this time, do you?”
You were absolutely stunned. “No, not tonight.” You said quietly.
She grinned and made an overly excited squeak, then slammed the door. You sat there on the floor trying to make sense of things for a moment before Lyra, who at some point had come out of the bedroom, shook your shoulder.
“What just happened?” You said stupidly.
Even Lyra seemed jarred by Pinkie Pie’s appearance, but didn’t dwell on it. Instead, she put a hoof around your shoulders and grinned at you. “You? You foalsat? For who?”
You shook yourself out of your daze, and reminded yourself not to try and figure out Pinkie Pie. “For Derpy, so she could go out with what’s-his-name. It’s the reason I missed Pinkie’s last party.”
Lyra sputtered and held a hoof to her mouth, before losing it and laughing wildly at you.
“Hey! What’s wrong with me ba—er, foalsitting?!”
“Nothing, nothing.” She said laughing. “It’s cute, that’s all. And the most perfect image of you in a sunhat and dress at a tea party with Derpy’s filly just came to mind!”
You sat quietly as she laughed. You actually did have a tea party with Dinky Doo, but there was no way you would ever let Lyra find out about that. “Alright, Giggles,” you said, leaning on Lyra’s shoulder to pull yourself to your feet, “I’m going to take off. I need to dig up something nice to wear to the party.”
“I’ve got a dress you could borrow!” Lyra joked as she followed you to the door.
“The day you see me in a dress is the day seaponies wash ashore at the beach.” You said.
“Seaponies do wash ashore at the beach sometimes, smart-guy!”
You stopped and wondered if she was serious. By the time you turned to ask if seaponies actually did exist or not, Lyra had already gone inside and closed the door. You just shrugged and continued walking. At this point it wouldn’t surprise you in the least if they did.