Find the Vocal Reading of this here!
The audience cheered as the camera zoomed back onto the host, readjusting his tie and swiping lint off of his brown suit.
Alex Trebek welcomed the admirers of the show, “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy. You may notice that I am wearing a different suit, Derpy Hooves thought that water balloons… actually floated.” He gave the mailmare an incredulous look.
“I just don’t know what went wrong!”
“Yes, but I think the rest of us do.” He took a large sigh. “Let’s take a look at our contestant’s scores. Princess Luna is in the lead with negative four thousand points…”
“We do not answer in the form of the question if we know it already!” the space princess argued in her royal Canterlot voice, pointing a hoof at Trebek.
Taking a large pause, the stressed anchor continued, “in second place is Derpy hooves with negative eight thousand points… because she has answered every question so far with ‘what is a muffin?’.”
The mailmare continued to press the buzzer, despite there being no question available. He would have paid no attention to it, except she was slamming it with her face… repeatedly.
“Quite. And last we have, and I can’t believe he’d be here, but in third place with negative ten thousand points is Sean Connery.”
“Well Trebek, it looks like you finally got your wish, you’re in a land of talking horses. Now if you could only find that stallion you were looking for.” He finished off with his infamous hearty laughter.
“Someone please get me out of this living nightmare… let’s look at the categories. We have:
‘Potent Potables’
‘What would Rainbow Dash do?’
‘Supernatural creatures’
‘Sun or the Moon’-That’s where we show a picture and you tell us if it’s the Sun or the Moon.
‘Wing-Bone E.R. Surgeons’
‘Edible or inedible’
And ‘The fourth wall.’
We’ve recently been informed that a pink pony by the name of Pinkie Pie has recently smashed this wall to pieces, making this category completely useless. It has been determined that if you choose this category, you automatically get the points. So please…pick this one. Princess Luna, it is your board.”
The midnight maiden spoke, “We’ll take ‘Sun or the Moon’ for six hundred.”
“Very well, this picture is of…”
*Bring!* Ringing in first, Luna answered, “Tis the moon! We shall take ‘Friendship lessons’ for six hundred.”
“Unfortunately Princess, that is not the correct way to answer the question. May I remind you, yet again, that you must answer in the form of a question.”
*Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Connery.”
“What is your mother’s backside.”
“No, Mr. Connery, that is not the correct answer.”
“Really? Because I got a full moon last night in bed, Trebek.”
Taking a deep breath, Alex deadpanned, “I can’t believe I didn’t see that coming… let’s move on to ‘Edible or not Edible’ for eight hundred, shall we?” The slide blocking the question moved out of the way. “Name something that is not edible.”
*Bring!* “Yes, Ms. Hooves.”
“Who is a muffin!”
“I’m afraid that a muffin is not a ‘who’.”
*Bring!* “Ms. Hooves you already rang in.”
“What is a muffin?”
“Close, but that is something edible…”
“But I can eat it…”
“And now you know what edible means…”
*Bring!* “Yes, Mr. Connery?”
“What is your tacky suit, Trebek.”
Taking a large swig of whiskey from a tiny canteen, Trebek drowned his recent insult. “Though you have insulted me, that is still technically correct. That makes it your board Mr. Connery.”
“Ahh yesh, I’ll take Wingboners for four hundred.”
“No Mr. Connery that’s Wing-Bone E.R. Surg- you know what, never mind, let’s all move on to final Jeopardy. The final category is…
‘Write a sentence’.
It can be any sentence, any sentence at all. A short one…a long one… maybe even one that isn’t grammatically correct. Just write something, anything that starts with a word and ends with a period.”
A few moments later, the timer rings.
“Ok, let’s see what everyone has written. First we have Princess Luna who wrote…
…A contract sending me to the moon.” Looking down for a moment, he continued, “and you wagered…
Your signature decreeing it official… lovely.” Several night guards could be heard entering through the back of the set, their boots clanking against the ground. “Let’s finish this before I suffer in space.”
“HA HA! Thou hast been under ownership!”
“I believe the expression today is ‘owned’, Princess. Anyways…” he walked over to Derpy’s podium, who was blowing spit bubbles. “Let’s see what you offered Ms. Hooves. You put…”
“…the top part of a muffin. And let me guess what you wagered.”
“Yes, the rest of the muffin… and a smiley face. Truly fascinating.” Reaching the final contestant, he took a larger-than-life sigh, expecting impending doom or some ridiculous insult from the attendee. “Mr. Connery, let’s get this over with. You put down…”
Taken aback for a moment, Alex held a hand to his chest. “Wow, I’m speechless Mr. Connery. Do you really think that?”
Taking a moment to be serious, the normally sarcastic and verbally abusive contender replied, “Well, I know that sometimes I can be a bit off-key, Trebek. I hope you know that it’s all in good fun.” He patted his shoulder with a warm grin, emphasizing his good nature. “I also really like your suit, much better than the previous one you wearing earlier.”
“Thank you Sean that’s, very nice of you to say.”
“It’s no problem, Trebek.”
“Well, I seem to have misjudged you…friend,” he added tentatively. “Let’s see what you wagered.”
“How did I not see that coming…”
Sean again followed with his hearty laugh. “Oh suck it up you pansy.”
*Bring!* “What is a muffin!”
“Ms. Hooves, the game has ended, there is-“
*Bring!* “Who is a muffin!”
“Ms. H-“
*Bring!* “MUFFIN!”
*Bring! Bring! Bring!* “Muffins!”
“Thank you all for coming to Jeopardy, if I haven’t committed suicide by the next show, I shall see you all next week,” he said as monotone as possible while walking off the set, head down. The lights dimmed out, as the television went to commercial.
“Well,” I said, “I guess they’ve officially run out of ideas now.”