“You have to maintain eye contact with him the entire time,” Rarity said, her head falling to her hooves in despair. “Looking away is certain defeat.”
“But he doesn’t like that! Whenever I look at him, he looks away,” Smarty complained.
“Then keep looking at him!” Rarity exclaimed.
Smarty narrowed her eyes. “Didn’t you say he rejected you?”
“Yes, but—”
“And that you weren’t ‘the one’ for him?”
“He did, and I—”
“And that, when you even got down on your knees and begged, he didn’t change his mind?”
“Enough!” Rarity cried, stomping on the floor. “That…” she paused, taking a deep breath, “that is enough about Big Mac and I. I demand a break. Right now” The unicorn promptly left the room, her muzzle raised high in the air.
Smarty slapped a hoof to her face, sighing deeply into it. She didn’t need this right now. The competition began in no less than an hour, and Rarity was still teaching the very basics of attracting a colt. The lesson started off fairly well—Smarty learnt about speaking with articulation—but the more she heard, the more she disagreed, and the more she disagreed, the more they argued.
She drummed a hoof on the table beside her as she heard Rarity mumble to herself. It was just out of earshot, so she couldn’t hear the specifics, but she could make out her name a couple of times. She just refused to care. Rarity had given some sound advice for stallions in general, but Big Mac wasn’t just any stallion. He was shy and sensitive—not exactly the type to be with a… flamboyant pony like Rarity. Smarty already knew this, but some advice was better than no advice.
“Right,” Rarity said, flicking her mane back as she walked into the room. “Before I continue helping you, I want you to say an oath.”
“An oath?” Smarty asked. “Depends if I agree with it.”
“If you don’t, I can’t say I’ll continue helping you.”
Smarty looked at the unicorn, her eyes distrusting. “It sounds like I don’t have a choice.”
“Oh, of course you have a choice,” Rarity said, nodding. “You either say the oath, or don’t.”
“Fine, whatever,” Smarty said with a roll of her eyes, “let’s hear it.”
“I, Smarty Pants, do wholeheartedly agree to listen to Miss Rarity’s knowledge and guidance before arguing on a whim,” Rarity said, indicating to Smarty Pants.
“I, Smarty Pants, do wholeheartedly agree—by a significant amount of unfairness and blackmail—to listen to Miss Rarity’s knowledge and guidance before arguing on a whim,” Smarty repeated. She withstood the following glare from Rarity.
“Furthermore—”
“Really, Rarity? Isn’t that enough?” Smarty asked, trying her best to look bored.
Rarity simply sighed, closing her eyes. “Yes, I suppose so. Now, run along. The Bachelor’s Buffet begins soon, and you wouldn’t want to be late for that.”
“Aren’t you coming? I thought it was traditional.”
“Well, I don’t have to. Stallions without relationships are forced as participants, but a mare can choose whether to attend or not.” When Smarty wore the same confused expression, Rarity continued. “It’s just a tradition. Rather outdated, but tradition, nonetheless.”
“That’s… that’s quite—”
“Traditional,” Rarity finished. When Smarty simply shrugged, she indicated to the door. “Go on. Before you’re too late. And don’t forget my advice!” she shouted as Smarty opened the door. “I’ll be able to help you, so don’t be afraid to ask!”
“Sure. I’ll tell you how it goes! Thanks, Rarity,” Smarty said, closing the door behind her.
It wasn’t a long walk to town hall. As Smarty peered around, she noticed the lack of ponies trotting up and down the streets. Perhaps they were all going to the Bachelor’s Buffet? Surely not. But it did seem less busy than usual… It took Smarty a moment before realising she was going the wrong way. Fortunately, no one was around to watch her turn around and go the way she came from.
It was eerily quiet. Not a single peep came from the houses surrounding her. Ponyville was a loud town at the best of times. Then again, it was simultaneously the loudest and quietest town Smarty had been in, seeing as though Ponyville was the only town she’d been in. Slightly unfair, but correct, nonetheless. Soon enough, she heard the trotting of another pony’s hooves. She turned, coming face-to-face with Big Mac. Instantly, she noticed the several beads of sweat falling down his forehead.
“Oh, hi, Smarty. Fancy seein’ ya around here,” he said, his lip trembling slightly.
“Nice to see you, too!” she exclaimed, struggling to match his pace. “How could I not hear you coming with those massive hooves of yours, eh?”
“What are ya doin’ here, anyway?”
Smarty shrugged. “I thought I’d just get some exercise, you know?”
“But ya worked all day yesterday,” Big Mac pointed out.
“Ah, well… uh, I don’t really see Ponyville that often. It’s a nice town after all,” she said, putting on a warm but fake smile. He was definitely onto her.
“Fair enough,” he said simply. “I think AJ wanted ya back on the farm.”
“No, it’s fine,” Smarty said, frowning, “she said I could have the day off.” She did her best to not sound hurt.
“Fair enough,” Big Mac repeated.
Silence fell between the two. Big Mac’s brisk pace sped up, and Smarty matched it once more. She could hear him sigh slightly. “Anyway, where are you off to in such a hurry?” she asked, putting on an innocent smile.
“Town hall.”
“Oh, yeah? What for?”
“Some stupid tradition,” he complained.
“I’ve heard you folks have a lot of traditions here,” Smarty said, trying to play dumb.
“Too many, some would say.” Smarty giggled. Remembering Rarity’s advice, she looked him straight in his emerald eyes. He briefly glanced around, but quickly returned his attention to the looming building in the middle of the street. Smarty looked the building up and down. She’d seen it in the distance, but it looked far grander up close. She could hear the noise of numerous conversations through the windows. “Well, here I am,” he said, sighing deeply.
“Can I join you?” Smarty asked quickly, fluttering her eyes exactly how Rarity taught her.
“Uh… um,” Big Mac said, looking back and forth between her and town hall. Smarty could’ve sworn she saw him blush slightly, even if it was for a brief moment. He hesitated, but finally opened his mouth. “Sure, but make sure not to volunteer for anythin’. They make a fool outta ya.”
Her eyes glimmered. It was better than nothing. “Th-thanks,” she said, feeling a small fire of hope ignite within her. Big Mac shrugged before opening the door. The wave of voices hit her instantly, almost pushing her back slightly. She’d never heard so many words spoken in such a small space. Row upon row of seats were filled with mares, all of whom were talking to the mare next to them.
“Is this what it’s like the entire time?” Smarty yelled, trying to make her voice heard.
“Huh?” Big Mac said, his voice barely recognisable.
“Never mind,” she said, “it’s just really loud in here!”
“Can’t hear ya!”
“I said—”
“I have to go backstage!” he yelled. “Stay in the seats, and don’t do anythin’!”
“Okay, sure!” she lied. As he left, she turned to find an empty seat. It seemed impossible at first, seeing as though the mares were packed so tightly together. She wandered around the hall, trying to find a space. Maybe this was why Rarity told her to get there early. Eventually, a mare beckoned her over. She must’ve pitied her, as she moved across the seat further, giving herself less room. Smarty smiled, sat down and thanked the mare.
“Here to see the sexy stallions?” she asked, winking.
“Oh, uh, just one,” Smarty said.
“That’s what they all say…” the mare murmured, rubbing her hooves together. “Your first time here, kid?”
“Yep!” Smarty exclaimed. “How did you know?”
“You got here on time,” she stated. “Newcomers never arrive early.”
“I’m guessing you’ve been before?”
“What makes you say that?” the mare asked, raising an eyebrow.
Smarty frowned. “Oh… uh, no, no I mean—”
“Forget it,” the mare interrupted. “The name’s Rainbow Dash, by the way.”
“I’m Smarty Pants.”
“Smarty Pants?” Dash asked, scratching her chin. “Smarty Pants… that sounds way too familiar. How about… no, doesn’t look like you. You’re not Twi’s old buddy, are you?”
Smarty chuckled. She forgot that Twilight promised to never reveal her true identity, and she was glad she kept that promise. Fortunately, only Smarty’s closest friends knew. And Discord, of course. “I am. I think I remember her talking about you.”
The strange mare grinned. “Not surprised. I’m not really someone you forget about. What’d she say about me?”
“Uh, mostly about how modest you are,” Smarty said.
Dash stopped smiling, and rubbed the back of her neck. “Yeah, sounds about right. Hey, doesn’t that mean you’re the one after Big Mac?”
Smarty felt herself blushing instantly. “H-how did you know that?”
“Oh, AJ told me. Caught you… in the morning, didn’t she?” Dash said, laughing.
With a frown, Smarty lowered her eyebrows. “It wasn’t like that! It was just…”
“Cuddling?” Dash finished, raising an eyebrow before laughing more. “That’s what they all say!”
“Sh-shut up!” Smarty exclaimed, squeaking slightly.
“Relax,” Dash said, “either way, it’s none of my business what you two do.”
“Thanks, I guess.”
“That said… I may be able to give you some help,” Dash stated.
Smarty cocked her head. “With Big Mac?”
With a nod, Dash chuckled. “Well, I can tell you what not to do. I did try him out for size last year, but I’m apparently not the one, or something like that.”
“That’s what he told…” Smarty hesitated. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Everyone?” Dash shrugged. “Well, yeah. That’s what he says to all the mares all the time.”
“Thanks for reassuring me,” Smarty said, narrowing her eyes.
“No problem!” Rainbow exclaimed, patting her on the back. The lights began to dim, and the loud voices became hushed whispers. “I think it’s starting…”
“Welcome, one and all!” exclaimed the grey-haired mare walking out onto the stage. “Welcome to the Bachelor’s Buffet! I hope you’re all ready for this year’s selection!”
“Yeah, because last year was terrible,” Dash muttered under her breath.
“As always, have your hooves at the ready!” the mare said, winking. “If you see a stallion you like the look of, you let him know with a wave! At the end of the display, we’ll round up the results and divide accordingly. Now, without further ado… bring on the stallions!” A round of applause surrounded Smarty, as well as the occasional whistle. It was almost deafening, and she instinctively covered her ears. When the noise died down, she noticed she was on the edge of her seat.
“Up first… Caramel!” Another round of applause as the brown colt entered. He smiled sheepishly at the masses before him, blushing as several mares whooped and cheered. “How many of you lucky mares want to raise your hoof?” In response, several hooves shot into the air. Smarty could see Caramel’s forehead glisten with sweat.
“Not a bad one,” Dash said, nodding her head and joining in the applause. “Bit too shy for me. I need someone… out there, you know? Energetic and fast!” She nudged Smarty’s hoof. “You know?”
“Oh, uh, sure. I know, I know,” Smarty lied. She was too occupied waiting for Mac’s name to be shouted across the hall.
“Next up… we have Blue Streak!” A frowning stallion appeared from behind the curtains. He was rather handsome, with piercing, blue eyes and a pure white mane, but he didn’t smile. Smarty couldn’t love a stallion who didn’t smile. A much larger applause than the one before sounded.
“I’ve heard he plays for the other team,” Dash whispered.
“What? What do you mean?”
Dash blinked a few times. “Never mind,” she said, turning back around.
Smarty Pants allowed herself to zone out. A stallion would come out every minute or so, followed by an appropriate applause. Rainbow would then say something, to which she’d try to sound interested in, but by the seventh or eighth stallion—she’d lost count—Smarty was having a hard time pretending. She was only waiting for one stallion, not the entire population of bachelors in Ponyville.
“Well?” Dash repeated, waiting patiently for her word.
“Um, yeah, he was pretty good,” Smarty mumbled.
Dash chuckled. “You weren’t listening, were you?”
“Sorry, I was having a moment,” she said, shaking her head.
“I was asking about how you met Big Mac,” Dash stated. “I mean, you two seem pretty different. I’ve never seen you around here, and Big Mac stays pretty local.”
“We met through my buddy, Twilight. She was meeting with Applejack, and then AJ introduced me to him,” Smarty lied. She said the same sentence over and over again in the mirror every single day.
“That’s funny,” Dash admitted, chuckling. “I could’ve sworn I heard differently from Appleja—”
“What did she say?” Smarty made sure to put on her most serious expression.
Dash was taken aback. “I mean, I could’ve sworn, but I can’t remember.”
“And now, the stallion you all know and love, Big Mac!” Smarty instantly turned her head. He sauntered onto the stage, neither smiling nor frowning, his eyes soft but his glance determined. His strong hooves thudded as they hit the floor. The round of applause was by far the quietest Smarty had heard, and she could even hear the indistinct mumble of the occasional mare whining about not being ‘the one’. She made sure to join in the cheering.
“Well?” Dash asked, poking her. “Aren’t you going to put your hoof up?”
Smarty had almost forgot. She raised her hoof silently, high above the heads of the audience. Much to her surprise, it was the only one in the air. Mares turned their heads from all directions of the town hall. “Who is she?” they whispered. “Doesn’t she know about Big Mac?” Smarty could only make out the occasional remark, but she began to blush. She’d received so much attention in a matter of seconds.
“Smarty Pants?” a soft voice spoke.
She turned to see a look of horror upon Big Mac’s face. Smarty simply shrugged. “What?” The audience erupted into gasps of surprise. Many of the mares’ mouths fell without their knowledge. “What?!” Smarty repeated, growing anxious. She felt a poke by her side. Turning, she found Dash pointing towards another raised hoof.
The hoof in question belonged to a yellow pegasus. She was blushing far more than Smarty was, and her hoof was slightly shaking. It wasn’t hard to see how nervous she was. Smarty looked her up and down, from her frown to her tail. She looked too delicate to be true. It looked as if the smallest gust of wind would carry her far away.
Smarty made the link between the mare’s hoof and her own. She gasped, covering her mouth with her spare hoof. It surprised her that she didn’t think of it sooner. The pair of them were going for Big Mac, both trying to win his heart. They would be in competition for his love.
Silence fell in the town hall. Not a single pony stirred, and both Smarty and the yellow mare kept their hooves high in the air.
“Yeah, Fluttershy!” exclaimed Dash, breaking the insufferable silence. “Go get him!”
The town hall erupted into conversation.
“If what you say is true,” began Rarity, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you any longer.”
“Why?” Smarty asked, pouting slightly.
“Because you and Fluttershy are both my friends,” she admitted. “I cannot appear to have any bias. If it was just another mare, I’d be more obliging, but Fluttershy has been my friend for a long, long time.”
Smarty harrumphed. “I see how it is.”
“I’m sorry,” Rarity tried, “but that’s how it has to be.”
“It’s fine. I understand.”
“That scowl on your face suggests otherwise,” Rarity said, frowning. Smarty put on a cheery smile. “No, no, the emotion is still there.”
“Well, I’m sorry!” Smarty exclaimed. “I’m not exactly in the best of moods. Do you know how well this… Fluttershy matches with Big Mac? She’s quiet and frail, much like him. Not exactly a pony of many words, just like him. Calm and gentle and peaceful, exactly like him.” Smarty’s head fell, her voice barely a whisper. “She is exactly like him.”
“Opposites attract!” Rarity said, trying to smile. “You know, I’ve been friends with many uncouth stallions, but they always…” Her voice faded as she noticed Smarty’s state. It wasn’t exactly hard to see how unhappy she was. Rarity looked away, and then back again. “Listen, you still have this competition to win. Fluttershy will be... an obstacle from this point on for you, but this is for Big Mac.” Rarity patted her on the back. “You can’t lose hope, not even for a second.”
“Are you sure you can’t give me any more help?” Smarty attempted.
“I can’t,” Rarity said simply. Smarty felt her shoulders droop. Rarity tried to say something, but her lips wouldn’t allow it. Peace fell around them, and the unicorn returned to her thoughts. Rubbing her chin, she thought of a solution—a means to stop Smarty’s depression. In another moment, she smiled. “Aha!” she cried, galloping out of the room.
“Rarity?” Smarty called. “Where did you go?”
“Close your eyes, Smarty!” Rarity shouted.
“Why?”
“It’s a surprise!” Rarity exclaimed, giggling.
With a sigh, Smarty did as told, closing her eyes. “Okay, they’re shut tight,” she said. Smarty heard a strange noise in front of her. “Rarity?” she repeated, tilting her head.
“Keep them shut! Do I have to blindfold you?”
Smarty Pants gulped. “No, just get on with it.”
“With pleasure!”
In an instant, Smarty felt something brush against her coat. It was soft—perhaps the softest thing she’d ever touched. “What is that?” she asked. She felt the fabric against her coat again. A loud click came from behind her. “Seriously!” Smarty felt Rarity’s hooves push into her body. She realised the intent, and shifted to the right.
“Now, turn a bit!” Rarity ordered.
“What are you…”
“Okay, perfect! Take a look!”
Smarty opened her eyes, coming face-to-face with herself. Only, it wasn’t just herself. It was a mirror, obviously, but there was something different about her appearance. A polka dot dress covered her back, golden decorations lining the white border of the bottom and top. She turned. White dots interrupted the blue in random spots, matching her Cutie Mark perfectly. The material felt so soft and luxurious on her body, she could’ve sworn she was a queen.
“Whoa…” she said.
“Well, I thought the simplicity would suit you well, Smarty,” Rarity said, shying away. “I thought you wouldn’t like anything too… flamboyant.”
“Thank you so much! It’s… it’s perfect!” Smarty exclaimed, her eyes twinkling.
Rarity smiled. “You really think so?”
“Absolutely!” she cried, turning around. “I love the colour…”
“Designed specifically for you,” Rarity stated, giggling. “I’m glad you like it!”
“Like it? I love it!”
“Good to hear,” Rarity said with a nod of her head.
Smarty felt a pang of guilt. She wiped the smile from her face. “Hang on, are you sure you want me to have this? After what you said about Fluttershy and all.”
“I have made Fluttershy plenty of dresses,” Rarity said. “You, on the other hoof, didn’t have a single one. Please, accept this as my apology.”
“Apology?” Smarty repeated, cocking her head. “I should be thanking you, Rarity!” she exclaimed, throwing her hooves around the unicorn. “This dress is so beautiful! I don’t even know what to say!”
“Think nothing of it. Simply a gift,” Rarity said, smiling warmly.
Smarty pulled away. “Well, thank you, Rarity. You’ve given me some hope. If there’s anything I can do to help you—anything at all—just give me a shout.”
Rarity nodded. “It’s perfectly fine. Now, I do have some work to do. I’m sorry I can’t help you any further, but you must understand, yes?”
“Of course I do,” Smarty said. “I’ll leave you in peace, then.” As gently as possible, she unclipped the dress from behind, making sure to fold it neatly in her hooves. Once it was as compact as possible, she began walking away. “Thanks again, Rarity!” Smarty repeated once more.
“Go get him, darling!” Rarity cried after her.
The air outside was refreshing. Smarty hadn’t even realised how hot it had gotten inside the boutique. Perhaps it was the dress exciting her. It didn’t matter. The breeze on her coat put her at ease, and she began her walk home, dress in hooves. Smarty returned to her happy thoughts. She would win the heart of Big Mac, even without Rarity’s guidance. There was nothing that could stop her, not even the pegasus whose name escaped her.
The competition had officially begun.