Off the Beaten Path

by PingSquirrel

The Morning After

The scent of lavender and something sharper were in the air.  Both were pleasant in their own ways even if they were sharply divergent in their qualities.  I could enjoy both even if I was half asleep right now.

I took another breath in through the nose and shifted slightly as I awoke slowly.  The bed was softer and warmer than what I was used to, which was a good thing because as I started moving, my head started to throb.

Oh yes, I drank that bottle in short order and now it was back with hired goons to show me why that was a poor idea.  It was simply the price to be payed for what I did and I moved a hoof to my head.

“Good morning.”

There was another pony here?  Well, that made sense, because this definitely wasn’t my bed.  “Berry?” I croaked.  My throat was very, very dry.

“Mmm.  That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” she teased then she pushed in and cuddled right against my front.  She even grabbed my hoof and pulled it around herself so I’d be hugging her. “You sleep really deep.”

I finally cracked an eye again and regretted it instantly.  The morning sun was already intruding through the window and it was far too bright. “Yeah, kind of.”

What was I doing in her bed?  I scoured my mind and I remembered having trouble with the door.  She came out and helped me in.  I cried.  She comforted me.  We talked.  I said I was tired, and we went to the bed.  I said she was the best thing I had here.  We kissed, then we… No, I didn’t do that.  I couldn’t have done that!

My nostrils flared again, and I realised what the unfamiliar scent was.

We did.

My eyes opened again, and the grape mare was happily curled against me with a satisfied smirk on her face.  “That’s alright.  That just means you were in bed longer for me to cuddle,” she said.

Having her in my hooves like this didn’t feel wrong.  In fact, it was rather nice to feel a warm body against mine, and well, it made me happy.

        “So, how’s the head?  Need something for it?” she asked.

        “If you’d be willing.  And, a glass of water,” I replied.

        “You know, one of the best things about quitting drinking is you never have to wake up feeling like that,” she teased before she slid from my hooves and to the floor. “I’ll be back.”

        I watched her leave and then turned to look straight up at the ceiling.  It really happened and what did that say about me?  The day that I was told my old life, my old friends, my family and girlfriend were all beyond my grasp, I did that.  How could I do that?  It felt like I went out and got laid at a funeral.  It was wrong, flat out.

        So, why didn’t I feel terrible about it?

        I mean, my head was killing me, but that had nothing to do about what I did.  There was no terrible guilt about the act, but only a sadness that they were gone.  What did that say about me?

How was I supposed to feel right now?

The question hung in my mind when Berry came back with a glass of water balanced on her nose and a small container in her muzzle.  I relieved her of the glass by pinching it in my hooves and said, “Thank you.”

        “You’re very welcome.  Now, how do you like your eggs?” she asked.

        “Pardon?”  I fumbled with the little container to get it open, while trying to ignore the sun’s attack on my brain with scorching brightness.

        “I’ve been through a hangover enough times to know you need grease and salt to feel better.  Now, how do you like your eggs?” she insisted.

        “Uh, overeasy?”  The lid popped off in my moment of distraction, and the pills scattered all over the bed.  Berry didn’t waste a second in reaching out gather them up, but I stopped her by putting a hoof against hers.  “It’s alright.  I’ll get those.”

        “Okay, dear.  Come on down to the kitchen for breakfast when you’re ready,” she said and walked out of the room, but I couldn’t help but notice the little extra swing of the tail she had as she trotted.  It even made me blush, even if she didn’t see me watching. As soon as she was gone though I just shook my head as hard as the headache would allow for doing what I just did.

        “Ah, dammit Scriber.  Why did you do this to yourself?” I muttered to myself and put my head in my hooves.  I thought I was better than this, but my being here is all the evidence to the contrary needed to refute that.

        I didn’t want to let go of them all simply because things got hard.  They were too important to let go, even if I’d never see them again.  So, why didn’t I hurt for what I did?

        I don’t know how long I sat there in contemplation, but the smell of breakfast did catch my attention to pull me back to the real world.  By that point, the pills had dialed my headache back to a dull roar and it was time to get up.

        Berry was in the kitchen, humming away as she flipped the eggs.  She was even swaying her tail in time with the imagined music.  She was adorable.  “You’re alive!  I was about to send a search team for you, Scri-bear,” she chimed after she dropped the spatula.

        “Nah.  Despite all my efforts last night, I live,” I replied as I looked at what she already had laid out on the table.  Fruits, flowers, grasses and toast were all there; she had been busy.

        “Oh, not to say all of your efforts last night were bad,” she giggled before she turned to face me so I could see the sly and impish grin on her face.  “I kind of liked a few of them.”

        She just made me blush.  Why did she have to be so kind, loving and beautiful?  It wasn’t fair to everyone else.  And, I mean everyone, not everypony.  I can’t even look in her direction anymore and turn my gaze to the ground.

        She took that entirely different way. “You don’t have to be embarrassed.  I’m happy you’re here with me, and that’s all that matters.”  She walked to me and put her nose under my chin to press my gaze up again, and my heart flutters at her touch alone.  I even smile when our eyes meet again.

        Why can’t I figure out how I’m suppose to feel?

        “Y-yeah,” I finally say.  That was noncommittal at best, but Berry hardly seemed to notice the tone.  She didn’t even question it before the sizzle on one of the pans got a little too loud  and she was pulled away.  Even with the risk of burning food, she was flying high and prancing around the kitchen while she worked.

        “Take a seat.  Breakfast is just about ready,” she said, as she turned herself about to go back to flipping eggs.   It was plain to see she was ecstatic that I was here with her.  Given what she told me about her past and the parties she used to have, it might even be relief that I didn’t leave.

        “So, you’re alright?” I ask awkwardly after I sit myself down and look at the spread before me.  She even made coffee for me and there were so few ponies that actually drank the stuff.  Right now, it didn’t matter if it was bad coffee like everywhere else around here, it was still coffee and I was still recovering from the hangover.

Two freshly fried eggs are placed on my plate and across from me and she tossed the spatula aside.  “I’m wonderful, dear.  How about your headache?”

        My hoof ran over my forehead, and I winced.  Yup.  Still hung over. “Well, it’s going away, thanks to the pills.  Thanks for that,” I answered as I lifted my hoof to the fork beside my plate.   I didn’t mean to be terse, but, how do I put this, I was lost.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to hate myself.  I wanted to be home.  I wanted to be here.  What was right?

        “You’re looking pretty pensive.  What are you thinking, dear?”  I looked up and Berry was across the table, looking as bright and beautiful as ever.  She already loaded up her plate and finished half of it in the time that it took me to prod my serving of eggs several times.  It took a moment for me to realise that I had just been sitting there for the last few minutes, mulling my thoughts.

 This had to stop before it got worse, and there was only one way to do that.  Maybe she’d understand.  I hoped she would.  “I-I think we made a mistake.”

        She looked at me stunned confusion, but after a moment of processing what I just said, her smile returned as if nothing happened.  “No, we didn’t. I mean, it was adorable how you insisted on being face to face, but that wasn’t a mistake, dear.”

        She was deflecting, but she knew what I meant.  She had to.  I took a deep breath and repeated the point.  “No.  I mean, us.  We’re the mistake, Berry,” I whispered and each word hurt as it came out, but it had to be said.

        She stared at me, and I couldn’t even meet her eyes.  Just to see that expression turn from bright joy, to bitter sadness so quickly tore at my heart.  Her eyes became misty and her mouth hung open with words that simply failed to form.  Even those cute ears were pinned back flat to her head.  But, this had to be done for the sake of who I was, right?

        Finally, I meet her gaze and it wasn’t wavering from me, even as tears rolled down her face.  I could hear the question screaming in her mind;  “What did I do wrong?”  I wish there was a better way.
        
        She spoke. I didn’t hear the words, they were so faint.

        “Berry?”  I put a hoof out towards her.
        
She shrank back from the gesture and repeated herself.  This time, I could barely hear her.  “G-get out.”

“I’m sorry,” I stammered, unsure how to react.  Maybe, I misheard her.

“Get out,” she restated, a little louder as venom came to her gaze at me.

        It was my turn to pull back from her, but I stayed at the table to stare at the mare.  My mind reeled for an explanation that I could give to her.  Maybe there was something I could say to fix this, if only I could figure it out.

        “Get out!” she snarled as she slammed her hooves on the table, making all the settings rattle.

        I finally shifted in my place.  I didn’t want this either!  I didn’t want to see her hurt, or angry.  All I wanted was my old life back.  I opened my mouth to say something, only for her to shout over my words.  “Get out!”

        I tried to speak again, and she threw a dish at me, which broke the stupor I was in and made me move towards the door.  “GET OUT!  GET OUT!  GET OUT!” she screamed after me entire way to the front door, and as soon as I was outside, it slammed behind me with a terrible finality.

        Even through the heavy oak, I could hear her sobbing on the other side of it.  I wish I could turn around and go comfort her, but I simply couldn’t face her again after what I said.  I knew she had trouble connecting with other ponies, and yet, I just broke her heart just because I was worried about myself.  Dammit, why couldn’t I get what I wanted!?  I sat down on my flanks, right on the steps and looked out and into the world.

        I thought I had nowhere to go before, but now, I really had nothing.

        The sobs grew more and more distant, then finally faded away entirely, as if I needed another reminder of how alone I was right now, and I felt my eyes watering.

        No.  I wasn’t going to cry again.  I’m a grown stallion.  No, I’m a grown man.  I’ve got to act it, and that meant living with what you did.  I got to my hooves, and started walking for town.

        Now, I didn’t have any of my things with me as I walked along. I’d have to go back to get my tools, my hat and vest and the meager cash I’d saved up since I’d arrived here, which meant I only had only one place I could go right now.

        The walk was pretty joyless for me, though the sight of a port in the storm was welcomed.  I stepped into The Shady Glade, though it was pretty obvious that it was next to deserted.  There was just one pony inside of it, and that was Merlot, quietly cleaning the tables and floor.  He was looking like he always did, in his immaculate vest and dress shirt combination.  He was one of the few ponies around town that I knew that actually wore clothing on a regular basis.

        “Good morning, Scriber.  How are you on this fine fall day?” he asked after he gave a quick glance in my direction.   He didn’t even need to break his stride to greet me.

        “Don’t ask,” I replied flatly.  I had no interest in going over the morning again.  

        “My, somepony seems to be out of sorts,” he said, raising an eyebrow at me.

        “Listen, will you let me start a tab just for today?  I’ll pay you back tomorrow, but I just need a place to sit and think for a while, alright?” I said as I walked to the corner table and sat in it. It was away from the stage and from where other ponies would sit.  I could get the time to think there.

        He nodded. “If you need it.  Now, what would you like to have?” he said across the room.  It wasn’t like there was anypony to talk over right now.

        “Coffee.  Black coffee and something greasy.  Fries and over easy eggs,” I said while I stared at the menu.  I didn’t need it, though because I’ve been here enough times already to know every item by heart, and I still trusted Berry’s suggestion.  Merlot nodded and headed into the kitchen.  I guess he could tell when a pony just wanted to be left alone.

        But, I didn’t want to be left alone.  So, what did I want?  I wanted to go back home.  I wanted to see my girlfriend again.  I wanted to see my family and friends.  I wanted to see Berry happy again.  I wanted to be with her.

        I was being stupid.  I couldn’t have it all and I knew that, but the logical solution felt so entirely wrong to me.  Even if Luna could simply throw out the rest of my life, I couldn’t just do that.

        I thought back to Berry.  She must be crying alone somewhere in that manor, and it was entirely my fault.

        How many days did Dusty cry after I vanished?  I know that wasn’t my old girlfriend’s name, but it’s close as I had right now, and even that was a bitter truth.  I didn’t even think of her as much as I used to, and that was a sin in of itself.  Just another proof that it was all getting more and more distant from me.

        These are the thoughts that consumed me.  Ponies filtered in around me, sat and had their meals with each other and left again to their lives, while I sat where I was and was entirely stuck. I had no life here.  I had no life to return to.  I had my food, and drank my coffee, and while I felt better physically, I was getting no closer to any sort of solution.  As if I would be as easy as a hangover to fix.  

        I put my coffee mug out to the edge of the table, and waited. Unlike every other time this morning, the cup stayed empty.  Merlot was never slow with his customer service, even if he wasn’t a ninja-style waiter like Hot Dish.  I glanced around and saw him behind the bar, just cleaning the glasses, though he definitely did see me and my lack of coffee.  He just kept working where he was.

        The lack of coffee got to me before he even took a step in my direction.  I got up, picked up the mug in my mouth and carried it over to the bar, where he was, and before I even dropped it, he asked, “Now that you don’t look like death, how bad was the fight?”

        I knew I wasn’t exactly a cheery ray of sunshine today, but to be read so easily caught me off guard.  I set the mug down on the bartop. “How did you know?”

        “You don’t have your vest, your hat, or any money, and looked like you had a hangover sent straight from Tartarus,” he explained.  “Now, how bad was the fight?”

He was perceptive, but the classic bartender was supposed to be, and well, Merlot hadn’t steered me wrong yet.  “I said we were a mistake,” I said quietly with my ears dropping and my brow furrowed.  Anypony could see that I was ashamed.

“A mistake?  Like as a couple?” he asked, as he set the glass down and actually got up on two hooves to lean over the bar top so we wouldn’t be overheard.  There were a few other ponies around, including a couple on stage preparing it for the show that would happen later in the day.  

“Yes,” I replied.  He furrowed his brow.  I’m sure he knew I was leaving something out.

“You didn’t do anything to imply that you were, did you?,” he said, with a heavy implication that towards that unknown.  

I knew exactly what he meant by that, but I didn’t want to actually say it.   Instead, I just bit my lip and looked away from him.  That alone was as good as a full admission to him of what I did the night before.

“I see,” he said without any hint of judgement in his voice.  “Why did you say what you did, after doing that?”

“You know why.  But, yesterday, I got a letter from Luna pretty much saying I’m not going home,” I explained, trying to mitigate the damage to his opinion of me. “I don’t know.  I drank too much and she was there.  She just makes me feel better by being there and it’s like I’m home while I’m with her.  We just really connected last night, and this morning, I blew it up with one sentence, because I’m an idiot.”

        He listened to everything I had to say without interruption and after I said my piece, he just simply repeated, “I see.”

        I suppose it was too much to ask that he’d come up with a magic bullet style of solution to what I had made for myself.   “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

        “You’re not supposed to do anything, and it’s not wrong to want to hold on to your old life,” he said while he switched glasses to a new one to clean, “But, if that’s truly what you want to do, you can’t lead on Berry.  That’s simply not fair to her.”

        “I know it’s not, and I don’t want to hurt her again,” I agreed with my head hanging low.  He was right, and I knew it.  “But, I don’t want to let go of my past.”

The silence was broken by several notes from the stage as the ponies there tested their instruments.  Even though it was a random set of notes that they played, I heard something familiar in it.  It played into my pet theory that ponies were projective empaths, when a pony wanted to express something they felt both strongly and emotionally about, it tended to project into a song number.  The other thing I’ve learned since my arrival in Equestria is that you can’t really stop it once it started, so it’s best to go with it.

I found myself, humming the tune, and the instrumentation matched it perfectly.  This was subdued and quiet in comparison to the last time I was caught up in a song.  There wasn’t so much as a glimmer of a visual effect for this.  It was just me, leaning up and against the bar, and that fit my feelings of helplessness just fine.  I wasn’t going anywhere.  When it came for the vocals, I joined in.

        That last question hung in the air while I turned my gaze down again.  Time passed and the band went back testing and fiddling their instruments.  Merlot let me sit in silence for a few minutes so I could process what I just sang.  He was the first to speak again.  “I can’t help you choose, but you do have be willing to let go of one side or another.  It might be as simple as saying goodbye respectfully.  There’s no shame in that.”

        My first reaction to what he suggested was to reject it, but when I thought more on it  I  found progressively more merit in it.  It’d hurt, but I was hurting already, so I only could go up from here.  If I didn’t do something different, I’d be feeling like this until the day I die.  “Heh.  Maybe you’re right,” I admitted, “Not sure if it’ll fix much, but it’ll be a start, eh?”

        Merlot nodded.  “That’s how I see it.”

        “You know, you’re like Wilson,” I joked, “Except that I can see your face.”

        There was a pause as Merlot reflected on that, but it wasn’t long before confusion set in.  “I’ve no idea what that means.”

        “Don’t worry about it. It’s a compliment,” I said, knowing full well that it explained nothing.  The joking aside, I didn’t feel any better about my situation, but I had an idea about what I could do for the next step, and with a little luck, I’d be able to set some things right.  “Thanks for the advice.”

        “You’re very welcome.  It’s a good thing you came to me though, because I would’ve hated having to use my connections to have you dragged here,” Merlot teased right back.

        “Well, no need to call them in yet.  Wait until I give you a lousy eight percent tip, or something,” I said as I got up and looked to the door. “There’s a pony I have to go see, but do me a favour and if you see Berry, just make sure she doesn’t do anything to hurt herself.”

        “That goes without asking, Scriber.  Of course I’ll do whatever I can for her,” he answered quickly.

“Thanks.  Hopefully see you later today with some details.”  Despite how it came around, it felt good to have a plan of action for once.  Ever since I’ve got here, I’ve let others tell me the plan was.  I simply just reacted to what every other pony did and followed everything they said, but this was important to just stay on the sidelines for.

To that end, I left the bar and made my way towards Sugarcube Corner, and I walked as if I was on a mission.

“Hey there, Scriber,” Mr. Cake greeted as soon as I stepped through the door.  He was tending the counter as he usually was when I came in.  “Need your bagels?”

“Actually, not right at the moment.  Is Pinkamena around today?”  I asked of him.

“I think she might be in her room.  If you want to see her, it’s up the stairs, third door on your right, but she did say she was busy at her  “super-duper top secret project”,” he said complete with air quotes with his hooves.

“Thanks. I’ll try and keep it quick then, but can you get the bagels ready for when I’m on the way out?  This should only take a few minutes.”

        “Sure can, Scriber,” he replied, and I was up the stairs.  The room was right where I was told, but with all the decorations and glitter she had one the door, I don’t think I would’ve needed the directions.  I knocked at the door cautiously.  Then, I knocked again after a minute went by without an answer.

        Maybe she wasn’t home, and I was ready to leave when the door swung open.  Pinkamena was there, facing away from me, and staring intently at something inside of her room.
        
        “Heya Scriber!” she chimed as cheerfully as ever even though she was facing away from me.
        
“Hello, Pinkamena.  Did I catch you at a bad time?” I asked as I leaned around to try and see what she was looking at.

“Well, no. Not right at the moment.  This part is the boring part where I just watch and see what happens,” she answered back and she walked back into her room. “Come on in.  You can help!”

“Help with what?” I asked but that was answered when I followed her in.  In the center of the room was a writing desk with a raven sitting on it, and all around them were cameras and notebooks.  Actually, no.  I still had no idea what she was doing.

“Well, I’m solving that riddle of yours and to do that, you have to do experiments!” she explained as she sat back down.

“But, there’s not supposed to be an answ-”  I was cut off by a pink hoof on my nose.

“If it’s a riddle, there’s an answer, Silly,” she giggled.   “So, help me watch, alright?”

I looked between Pinkamena and the desk and gave my head a shake.  Ignore it. That was the advice I was given when dealing with her weirdness and I could see why.   “Uh, I actually came here because I need some help, and you’re the best pony in town to do it.”

She glanced my way. “Oh?  What do you need, Scriber?  Some cupcakes?”

“Actually, I need you to get a party together, and in the next few days,” I said, “It’s important to me.”

        What I just asked for registered with her and she lost all interest in the experiment.  Instead, she was bouncing and prancing right in front of me. “Oh gosh!  Really!  I can totally do that!  Is your birthday coming up?  Is that why you need this party?  Are we throwing you a birthday party?  Because, I can totally get lots of fun games and tasty treats out for that!”

        “Actually, I need a very specific sort of party, and I’m going to make a bunch of requests you need to keep secret,” I said as I took a step back from her.  

        “Ooooh? A secret sort of party?” she asked.

        “Not quite.  Are you familiar with the concept of a ‘wake’?” I asked.