Giant Robots are Magic

by Spanner


Episode One Part One: Because He's Coop.

---XLR---

Outside Earth’s orbit...

Space, where our not so strong, not so honest, not so handsome hero was in a pitched battle against the alien scum known as the glorft. This man may be just as likely to blow up the Earth as save it, but at least he wasn’t trying to conquer earth and enslave the human race.

A large number of giant green robots and a massive starship encircled a single blue humanoid mech suit. Off in the distance, Earth’s round form could be seen amongst the star speckled black expanse of space. While the lone warrior’s machine was similar in size to the alien mechs, it was but a dust speck compared to the alien dreadnaught set in high orbit.

A gravely voice rang out in the human’s cockpit. Judging from the hostility of the voice, the transmission was clearly coming from the enemy. “We have you surrounded Earther scum. It’s my 150 mechs versus your one. I would say It’s been a pleasure, little monkey man, but that would be a lie. Surrender know and I will make the deaths of you and your friends quick and painful, instead of slow and...”

The pilot of the lone robot turned his head away from the projection of the squid faced alien and asked his two passengers, “So after I wipe the floor with these guys, you wanna go get some Philly Cheese Steaks?”

“Pay attention to me Earther!” The holographic head persisted. The short tentacles hanging like a beard jiggled with contempt. “I want to see your face before you explode in a—” The Glorft Warmaster was once again interrupted by talks of fast food from the plus sized driver.

“Anyway, if we hurry, we could also make it to the all you can eat Taco Shack. Eh ? Eh?” The fluffy man asked excitedly.

The ugly alien’s image seemed to grow larger, and its rough voice with it. “You overgrown, greasy, blubbering, buffoon! Don’t you ever think about anything besides...”

“Hey, I’ll tell you once and I'll tell you... how does that saying go?” He scratched his spiky blond hair with a large finger. “This ain't blubber! It’s fat! You got that, fat!” He punctuated this by grabbing a roll of his stomach and jostling it up and down in front of the cockpit camera.

“I’m sure we've’ covered this like a hundred times already. Get it through you slimy brain or write it on a sticky note!”

The hungry man smashed his fist onto one of the hundreds of buttons on the highly modified dashboard for emphasis. The area beneath  the pilot and his two passengers rumbled and whirred away. The right arm of the giant blue robot promptly started unloading some sixteen barrel mini gun fire into the crowd. The giant bullets littered the enemy bots, mowing them down before exploding seconds after being fatally shot. The pilot brushed some orange cheesy puff dust from his ripped black and red vest, before deflecting return fire with an energy shield on the left arm of his robot. The blue disc shield rippled with impacts sending them back from whence they came. In a clockwise sweep the shield dissipated and a little projecting device folded away.

“Coop!” a chick’s voice exclaimed from the back seat. The young redhead had a futuristic laptop-like device sitting across her legs. The screen displayed the enemies and threats around the mech, as well as the status of all the systems. She was now noticing a large missile closing on the rear of the 1970 Plymouth Barracuda. The old, but clearly awesome automobile made up the ‘cockpit’ or ‘head’ of the highly advanced prototype mech suit.

“Kiva, if you don’t feel like Cheesesteaks, we could go to the new burger bar?” Coop said, mistaking Kiva’s cry of distress as a protest for his food choice. The pilot behemoth mashed a combo on his gamepad, which caused his mech to grab a nearby foe. With a swift rotation of a joystick, his foe was spun around for a devastating spin-attack.

“Raaaagh!” He screamed as the sharp crunch of metal signaled the defeat of yet another half dozen foes.

He released the barely recognizable mech into another rushing enemy, before speeding in the direction of another squad of the snot-green, dime a dozen robots. The roar of the back mounted rockets was in full thrust, though they were muffled from inside the car. Coop was keeping just ahead of the homing missile behind them, still oblivious to its existence. There must have been at least one hundred enemies left, minus the fifty or so he had just blown up with the minigun, deflected bullets, dominated with cheap wrestling moves, and the allies he threw at their compatriots.

“Coop!” This time it was Coop’s other companion; a lanky punk cowering in the passenger seat. One would think the skinny young man would feel more at ease sitting atop the giant mass of servos, plate steel, and wires, all while flying through space hacking apart extraterrestrial robots, but not this coward. His scream was more girly than any of the numerous girls he failed to pick up, including those not from Earth. He had also noticed the heat seaking death device behind them in the side mirror. The little ‘OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR’ message was not easing his stress one bit.

The giant steel fists of Coop’s robot met together as if grabbing the oar of a boat. The huge hands then pulled apart to reveal an energy sword. The robot took a two handed stance with the glowing blue blade. Coop was ready to wield it like any self respecting samurai movie fan would.

“Fine Jamie, burgers it is,” Coop said, mistaking the display of unmanliness as another objection. He noticed the terrified expression of his skull cap wearing friend, and finally the giant missile just about to close in on them all. Holding the sword out in front of his blue mech in a overhead pose, Coop screamed and charged at the explosive. The fiery energy sword cleaved the missile and it’s two halves flew past the Plymouth's windshield. The explosion of the bisected ballistic projectile blew up more snot green mechs that had closed in behind him.

The unorthodox move didn’t come without a cost however.

“WARNING, REAR THRUSTER PACK DAMAGED. 96% DECREASED SPACE FLIGHT SPEED AND MOBILITY,” an artificial female voice echoed throughout the cockpit.

“So Kiva. You always tell me the status of MEGAS. Why is this computer chick doing it now?” The fat man asked.

The computer voice was soon followed by the red head in the back seat. “I was getting tired of telling you the same things repeatedly, and Coop, what did I say about slicing missiles in half?!”

He scratched his chin. “Oh, I remember! That it was amazing that it worked last time.”

Kiva pursed her lips before facepalming.

“...and that they explode, so I shouldn’t do it,” He added, before backfisting another alien robot. At this point many of the alien mechs were charging at Coop and company without formation or tactics at all. They were soon brutally beaten into oily, sparking, scrap, by more outrageous wrestling moves.

The woman in the back seat looked up at Coop. “Maybe I can train you before you doom all of humanity.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure Kiva. Lo... look at THAT!” The skinny punk known as Jamie screamed, while pointing a shaky finger into space.

“I told you Earther!” The squid faced alien flickered back on the holoprojector. Columns of smoke rose up behind his head and sparks flickered on his control panel. The Warmaster’s solid red eyes were filled with pure hate. He had a devious grin on his face despite the obvious damage to his rig. “You're no match for the mighty glorft army!” The sounds of servos and clanking metal could be heard over the intercom.

Coop maneuvered his beaten robot towards the enemy armada to come face to face with a giant gun of some sort.

“While you were fighting my distractions, I was able to combine my forces into my most brilliant design yet. Feast your eyes on the B.F.G! It stands for—”
 
The glorft Warmaster was interrupted by the snorting laughter of his fat nemesis.

“What is soo funny Earther. You are about to be obliterated!” The alien demanded.

“Three things. One, this is what, the fifth, maybe the sixth time you've tried the big gun transformation thing against me. You know I’m just gonna smash your ship thing’s big cannon again. Two, do you even play video games? You just named your big transformer rip off a ‘B.F.G’ for crying out loud! Three, you actually think you're going to win.”

“I am going to win Earther, and for the record, B.F.G stands for—”

“Listen here you disgusting excuse for a slug thingy! You interrupt my favorite show to fly into some lame space battle, try to kill me with another lousy bunch of tin can robots, call my fat blubber...”

“Actually Coop, I think fat and blubber are pretty close—”

Kiva scowled at Jamie’s pale hand that covered her mouth. “He’s on a roll here,” Jamie said, before ‘encouraging’ the driver some more. “Though Coop, maybe you should listen to the big green alien guy this time?” Jamie eyed an arc of electricity coming off of a spot in the hood of the car, along with an obvious oil leak. Some hydraulic fluid was dribbling from MEGAS’s left shoulder as well. Jamie pushed the little lock button on the door.

Coop didn’t hear the meek voice of his ‘co-pilot,’ and continued his rant.

...and now you dare rip off a great video game without giving credit or even understanding the meaning!” The sweating fat man pulled some levers and twisted some knobs. His mech emitted a videogame-like chime. “Well, face my giant Space Cannon Attack Thingy!”

The chest plates of the giant blue robot flung open, and a telescoping barrel extended outward to an impossible length. Some loose wires dangled from the sides of the weapon that was still dwarfed by the giant gun facing them.

Kiva leaned forward from the back of the Plymouth convertible. “Is that the quantum mass accelerator from that M class mech robot AI we fought last month?”

Jamie cut in. “Wait, did you call this a ‘Space Cannon Attack Thingy’? Jamie asked. “You know what that spells right?”

Coop either ignored him or didn’t hear. “You bet Kiva. I finished the modification this morning,” he said with a pat to his beloved machine.

The Glorft veteran would have laughed, had he not known what a powerful weapon he now faced. “How could a bumbling ape like you possibly compress that weapon into your mech? Hurry commander, fire the B.F.G!”

“Warmaster, it’s still charging,” the voice of an underling said in the background chatter.

“Actually, I was about to ask the same thing,” Kiva said with concern. “How did you compress the internal dampening field to counteract the driver recoil upon firing?”

Coop scratched his head. “How now the what now?”

A compartment on the back of MEGAS opened up to reveal a growing blue vortex. The vortex started to pull in all debris from the trashed robots behind it. It seemed to compress them into some sort of chamber.

“Coop, you need to stop it now, before the cannon collects enough mass to fire at full capacity! Without the dampener, the opposing force could tear MEGAS apart, or send us flying endlessly through space. You did install a deactivation button right?” Kiva asked with an anxious and annoyed tone.

“Probably...” Coop scanned the many video game controllers hooked into the controls, along with the instrument panels. His eyes settled onto a hole with wires sticking out, under which, “S.C.A.T weapon deactivation,” was printed neatly in stenciled letters.

“Oops, what's the worst that could happen?” He said, with a wave of his hand.

At that, the end of the Space Cannon Attack Thingy started to glow with built up energy. The glorft tried to retreat, but all the mechs were linked to form the B.F.G.

“EARTHER YOU’VE DOOMED US ALL!” The slug like alien yelled as his forces were obliterated in a bright flash. The Earther’s weapon carved a devastating chunk out of the Glorft Command Ship as well.

The resulting shockwave from the fat man’s robot radiated outward, sending many of the destroyed mechs into Earth’s gravitational field. A severed robot arm smashed a satellite with ‘POP TV’ painted on the side. The mighty blue mech was sent flying back at an ever increasing speed. It’s three occupants started screaming in terror. Earth disappeared from their view in a few seconds and they vanished into empty black space. The only trace of them being a giant blue beam with a double helix stretching through space.

---XLR---

Somewhere else and some time later...

“Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying,” a purple alicorn read aloud to herself, before closing the book on the desk before her. It would be some time before the light of dawn would creep into the windows of Ponyville library. What little light there was came from a streetlamp, which cast small rays of yellowish light through the window and across the floor. Most of the candles on the desk had fizzled out in a pool of wax.

Twilight Sparkle, ruffled her wings and chuckled. “Ha, aliens. What a joke.”

Just then, her ears shot up at a crash from within the kitchen. She approached the room slowly, from which she could here some shuffling sounds accompanied by more clanking.

“He... hello? Is anypony there?” No answer came.

“This had better not be another prank Rainbow Dash!” No answer again.

Her horn grew bright, preparing a good sized stun spell. “I’m warning you,” Twilight said in a shaky voice.

The young alicorn quietly made her way through the threshold that lead into the dimly lit kitchen. The brightest light was the pink aura coming from her horn.There was food littered all over the floor, most of which had a single large bite taken out of it. There was a bitten cucumber, a gnawed head of lettuce, an untouched apple and a smashed carton of eggs.

She could see something moving in the back of the kitchen. It’s large back end protruded from her refrigerator. At first she thought it could be a bear. She would need Fluttershy to safely get it out of her house. She then realized this ‘bear,’ had a bluish rear end, and it’s legs ended in large, elongated, black blobs.

“COOP! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!” Twilight yelled.

The monster raiding her food stuffs didn’t budge.

“COOP!” You might be a guest in Ponyville, but this is my house!” Her warning was met with a carrot to the face.

Twilight whipped her head around, swearing she heard a voice. Having seen nothing in the dark, she turned her attention to bigger matters at hoof.

Twilight walked up to the raider’s side and hooked her hooves over his back. She attempted to pull him away with all her might. Surprisingly, the large being swayed towards her, and to Twilight’s regret kept falling until she was pinned upside down to the floor. All the air was being pushed from her body and she started squirming and gasping to no avail.

She heard the voice that had distracted her earlier, except this time it was closer and it sounded like laughing. Twilight blindly released the stun spell from her horn towards the new presence.

“Woah!” The laughing being yelled as it barely deflected the spell with a shiny frying pan.

Twilight was slowly losing strength under the immense weight. Just when she was about to give up, the deflected stun spell hit the refriger-raider right in the rear. The large being jumped up in surprise, giving the princess enough time to teleport to the other end of the kitchen. She reveled in the ability to breath again. The unicorn yelped as a rainbow colored being fell from above.

“Rainbow Dash! are you okay...”

“BWAH HAH HA HA! You should have seen the way you squirmed!” The pegasus wheezed, rolling on the floor.

Twilight sighed in annoyance. “So I’m guessing you have something to do with this?” She asked, pointing a hoof at the large man in her fridge. Said fat man was twitching on the floor, with drool quickly collecting on the kitchen tiles.

“No, I’m pretty sure that was you shooting him in the butt,” Rainbow said failing to suppress more giggles.

A hair of Twilight’s mane sprang up, as she started grinding her teeth.

“Yep that’s how it happened,” Dash said twitching her ears.

The multi-colored mare broke under Twilight’s hardened stare. “Ugh, fine. I was watching over Vinyl’s. You know, because I wanted to make sure he didn’t start any trouble. Then he came here and raided your fridge...” Rainbow cracked again under Twilights critical gaze. “Jeez, you make a scary princess. I tried to wake him up, but all he did was repeat “I must have meat,” over and over again.”

Twilight interrupted the nervous pegasus. “So you told him there was some “meat” in my fridge and now he’s unconscious on my kitchen floor.”

“How, how did you figure it out?”

Twilight smiled warmly. “You just told me Rainbow. Now, have fun getting him back to Vinyl’s house. Oh, and I’ll need you to come by tomorrow for a list of groceries I’ll be needing.

Rainbow Dash looked from Coop, to the door, and back to Twilight. “I wanted to go see the metal giant with you and you still haven't told me how he got here. How am I supposed to move him all by myself? Can’t you just move him with magic and get spike to get the groceries?” The pegasus folded back her ears as she pouted and complained.

“You should have thought about that before sending him over here. I could move him, but then you wouldn’t learn anything.” Twilight smiled contently. “I wouldn’t be a good princess if I didn’t help educate my subjects. How about you go shopping with me tomorrow and I’ll tell you all about it, though it should be obvious by the looks of the town.”

Rainbow relaxed her eyes and dropped the fake puppy dog routine. “Fine, Your Royal Snootiness,” Rainbow replied with an overly dramatic bow.

As Twilight went up the stairs to get some sleep, she turned to the young Wonderbolt. “Don’t worry Rainbow, I don’t think he'll be getting up anytime soon, so you'll have plenty of time to buy me new groceries. Why are you so interested in that thing anyhow?”

Rainbow Dash looked at her like she was crazy. “Everypony digs giant robots, duh.”

“Right, good night Rainbow Dash.”

“You’re seriously not gonna help me with this guy? He’s so heavy.” The pegasus called upstairs.

Her answer was the sound of fake snoring.

“How un-princessy!” Rainbow yelled.

---XLR---

...and cue the theme song!