Fuck my life. I try to enjoy some quiet time, and royalty tries to get me. It has been more than a week since I arrived at Ponyville, and life has just started to settle down. I’ve been busy participating in Twilight’s experiments on my magical immunity, sharing more detailed tales of my travels, and just exploring around town.
I’ve been to Rarity’s boutique, and she was kind enough to fix my current clothes, and gave me a discount on a few new sets of clothes. My entire wardrobe consists of three shirts and three pairs of pants. And that’s it. Imagine how distraught I was when one of the sets were burned off by a dragon. I was enjoying dragon steak that night. Ah, such is the power of spite.
She was less than stellar about the design of my clothes. “Darling, you cannot travel in... that.” She waved a hoof at the clothes I brought in. “The colors simply do not match! It’s... ugh.” She wrinkled her muzzle at my clothes, which were all camo colored.
I sighed. Fashionistas. “Dark green on dull brown helps me blend into the forest. It’s proper camo.” I said flatly. I pointed at a brightly colored green hat. “That is not camo. That is bait. Your ‘camouflage’ won’t last three minutes in that god forsaken forest.” She huffed, and turned away.
“Well, if that is how you see my work, then so be it!” She stormed away, or at least in the ladylike version of storming. It was more like pitter-pattering. “I’ll just wallow in my uselessness!” Fucking women. God damn they’re annoying.
“Look, Rarity, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been living in the wilderness for god knows how long. You can’t blame me to view practicality as more important than aesthetics. Especially when practicality is all that keeps me alive.” I said. “Plus, I’ve seen your work. No offense, but they’re... gaudy.”
“Gaudy?! How dare you!” Rarity glared at me, before grudgingly sighing. “And... I suppose you have a point. I shall fix your clothes, and make a few more sets for you to take along. Is that fine?” I nodded, and picked a few bits out of my coin purse.
“Oh no, I couldn’t ask of that from a traveler like yourself! Surely you have some better use of your bits!” She said. I shrugged, thanked her, and left. No sense in saying no to that. I heard her sniff disdainfully.
...I think I was supposed to insist to pay her. Fuck that. I’m no chivalric knight.
Of all of the Elements of Harmony, I only like Twilight and Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy is a fucking recluse, refusing to talk to anybody. Applejack is completely and utterly unremarkable. Rarity is a snooty bitch. And Pinkie terrifies me. She has powers beyond my comprehension. And she was annoying. Fucking Pinkie Pie.
Twilight is an intellectual, which means she actually makes sense. Even though she’s a bit of a nerd, I’ve got to say. She’s blindly loyal to her princess, which is annoying at times, but I can respect a patriot. They can go extraordinary lengths to save their nation, which, while often suicidal, makes for great entertainment. That was rather insensitive of me.
Rainbow Dash is a bro. She’s one of the few ponies that can actually catch up with me, and after seeing my combat abilities, she has asked for sparring matches between us. She doesn’t stand a chance, of course. I feel like a kung fu master or something. I can fight as well as, and even better then, any warrior, despite not remembering any training. I don’t know. Just more mysteries from my past, I guess.
Speaking of Rainbow, I promised to watch her do stunts. I’ve seen griffins do tricks, but from what I knew, pegasi were more nimble in the air, and although griffins were faster in general, their tricks are hardly as spectacular. Plus, I’m sure RD could beat any griffin when it came to speed. I got Spike to come along, too.
“Yo, RD!” I shouted at a patch of clouds. “I know you’re in there somewhere!” I frowned when nothing appeared. “Uh, Rainbow? You were supposed to show me your moves, remember?” God that sounds wrong.
Then the clouds burst apart and Rainbow came streaking downwards in a burst of rainbow light. If I was anything less of a martial arts expert, I would have been floored. Instead, I reached up and caught her hoof neatly in my hand. She yelped, and quickly swung herself downwards, bringing her fore-hooves down in a crushing arc.
For her benefit, my head actually snapped backwards when she struck. But I recovered soon enough, and went for her wings. Now, for those of you who don’t know, pegasi wings are... sensitive. So when I grabbed Dash’s wings, she squealed and blushed bright scarlet. “Lesson one. Never hesitate to exploit a weakness.” I said, while wrestling her to the ground.
After a few moments I pulled myself up, dusting off my clothes and offering Dash a hand up. She looked at my hand in confusion, before forcefully bucking me in the nuts.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” I yowled, clutching at my crotch. “OH FUCK! SWEET FUCKING JESUS THAT HURT!” My eyes watered. It was the first time I cried from pain since... since Salamandra. Fuck that bitch. Ohhh my balls still remember RD’s kick, which I’ve taken to call the Second Regression. “Ugh...” I lay on my side and curled up into a ball, shivering.
“Lesson learned, egghead.” Fuck you too, you rainbow headed butch. That was a bit too harsh, but gods, it hurt, yo!
“How could you do that, Rainbow Dash?!” Spike, my man, was shouting at RD. “That’s... that’s... there isn’t a word I could use to describe what just happened! I just about FELT that kick, just from the way Never is trying to recuperate right now!” Yeah, you tell her, Spike. Just don’t-
“OH FUCK! SWEET FUCKING CELESTIA THAT HURT!” Now RD was curled up beside me, shivering as well. On her wings were two angry red claw marks, slowly fading away.
“...Nev, I’m sorry. I truly am.”
“Spike, you fucked up.” I kicked, making sure not to use full strength.
“OH FUCK! SWEET FUCKING DRACONA THAT HURT!” Spike screamed, rolling up next to us. He was trembling violently, like me and RD.
“Welcome to the club, Spike.”
“Let me get this straight. So Rainbow kicked Nevermore in his... privates, which must have hurt a lot. Spike, trying to avenge Nevermore, smacked RD’s wings, which happen to be a sensitive area. And Nevermore, trying to teach Spike a lesson, kicked HIM in the privates.” Twilight said slowly. “Am I getting this right?”
“Yep.” I mumbled, ten minutes after the Second Regression. “That sounds about right.” It still hurt to sit. We were in the library, sitting on soft, comfy bean bags and sofas that did not apply unnecessary force on my nether regions. “Sorry about that, Spike.”
“No, I shouldn’t have attacked Dash.” Spike said, looking apologetic. “It was immature of me.”
“Nah, it was my fault. I kicked him, and I started the fight in the first place.” RD said, very sorry looking. “It’s my fault. Yep.” No shit it’s your fault, girl. Now get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
I’m just kidding.
Just then Spike started retching. “Oh shit, are you okay?!” I leaned over in concern, staring at the dry heaving dragon. BLAAARP. Yeah, well, I’ve always wanted singed hair. “What’s the letter this time?”
“Uh... let’s see.” Twilight unraveled the scroll and started reading.
“Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Please open your door.
Your mentor,
Princess Celestia.”
She finished, looking confused. I laughed. “Well, how’s that for shortest royal letter ever?” I said, snatching over the scroll. “Well, no point in not listening to the princess.”
Twilight sighed, still looking confused. She magic’ed the door open. “...Princess! I, uh, wasn’t expecting you-” Oh shit. Well, I guess this is my chance to see the all-powerful alicorn princess, then.
“At ease, Twilight.” White Magical Horse said, smiling at her pupil. “I’m looking for a certain Nevermore.” Her eyes then fell upon me. Her gentle smile gave way to an expression of curiosity. “...I’ve never seen the likes of you before. Who are you?” She says who, but her underlying message was clear. She meant what am I.
“My name is Nevermore. A human, the only one in this world.” I said, nodding respectfully at her. “Judging by your appearance, I assume that you are Princess Celestia?” Twilight glared at me hard enough to kill. I forgot that she was a diehard P.C. fangirl.
But Celestia just smiled with a twinkle in her eyes. “So you’re the Nevermore I’ve been hearing about.” She chuckled. “Cleocatra speaks quite highly of you. In... many ways.” She blushed lightly. Did the princess just say that? Oh hell no! I told that cat not to tell anyone!
“Oh... right. Cleo. That was a refreshing week, quite pleasant to my travel weary bones.” I smiled ruefully as I remembered the good old days. “But my traveling days are over, I’m afraid. No more new exciting stories from me. I just want to settle down.”
Celestia sighed. “A shame. Your tales are quite interesting. But, if you truly are looking to stay, Equestria is open to you.” Nice. I knew I could count on white, sparkly magical wing-horses.
Then the sky darkened, and the lights flickered. Loud thunderclaps rang through the sky, shaking the earth. The ponies inside the house toppled like dominoes, save for myself and P.C. A large ball of magical energy started building up in the center of the library, above the table with the horse head.
“Uh, Princess?” I asked, uneasy. “What’s happening?” I’m immune to magic, of course, but from the sheer look of exhaustion on Celestia’s face, I could tell that it was extremely taxing for her to fight the magic emanating from the storm-like orb. “Are you alright?”
“Nay. She is not fine.” A dark blue alicorn emerged from the orb, landed on the table, and crushed it with her magic. Her mane was wavy, like Celestia’s, but it shimmered like the midnight sky, and I could see stars and galaxies imprinted upon it. It was almost like a looking glass into the secrets of the cosmos... And her voice. Sweet Jesus. Her voice was like rolling thunder. “Wicked Destroyer. I will not stand by and watch my subjects fall before you.”
Wicked destroyer? What is she talking about? Before I could ask, the alicorn conjured up a spectral blade. Technically, two blades. Dual hunting knives, each as long as my forearm. She twirled them menacingly, stepping forwards. Then she dove at me, knives flying at my throat. But I still had my magic immunity, right?
JUMP! Hissed a voice in my mind.
I leapt backwards, barely avoiding the whistling blades. What happened to my immunity again? The blades are summoned. They’e conjured magically, but they’re not magical in essence. Oh. That made a surprising amount of sense. Sadly, making sense wasn’t enough to stay alive.
I ducked a beheading slice. Growling, Miss Crazy Alicorn dispelled the knives and summoned a wicked looking sword. I blinked. Is that the Daedric sword from Skyrim? How did Evil Alicorn know about it?
My wonderings were stopped by a sword nearly embedding itself into my chest. I dodged, twisting to the left. I glared at the alicorn, and plucked the sword from her magic field. I swung the blade, grinning menacingly. Then I charged, bringing the sword down on Miss Evil.
She summoned another sword, easily parrying the strike. “It. Is. ON.” I grinned, and struck at her defenseless side. She summon yet another sword, effectively dual wielding swords. She blocked my attack almost effortlessly.
I sighed. “Must I do this?” Her eyes flashed, and I was suddenly under assault by then different swords. I sidestepped one sword, before batting aside another. I weaved in and out through the churning sea of swords, dodging slashes and shattering spectral weapons. The alicorn looked shocked that I waded through her sea of blades like it was nothing.
A dagger smashed against my side. An axe cracked down on my skull only to shatter on impact. I grabbed a sword with my bare hands, and crushed it like an egg shell. A war hammer bounced right off my chest. I smiled victoriously, and grabbed her horn. “I really wouldn’t piss me off.” I tightened my grip, and her eyes widened in panic. I felt the horn give more and more, until-
“STOP.” Celestia shouted, body slamming me aside. I barely budged, only moving a couple of steps, but let go anyways. “You will NOT break the horn of my sister.” Oh shit, I assaulted royalty? God damn. Just my luck, isn’t it?
...Teaches them not to mess with me.
“But sis!” Princess Evil whined. “He’ll destroy the world! He’s the DESTROYER! From the prophecy!” Fucking prophecies. I really hate oracles, just because they think that they can go around predicting that someone would die or something, without permission. “I know I’m right this time!”
“Luna, this is neither the time or the place for more of your madness. You just assaulted an esteemed guest of honor.” I’m a what now? She turned to address me. “Nevermore, I am truly sorry about our sister. She has been out of touch with civilization for a thousand years. You can imagine why she’s... eccentric.” So she’s unstable.
“I understand entirely, Princess. There are times in my travels when I feel the need to return to modern life is... maddening.” I said. “However, Princess Luna has done no lasting harm, so I’ll bear no grudges.” Fuck yes I’ll bear grudges. The woman just tried to kill me! And when she claims that I’m the subject of some prophecy, I’ll have to assume that she’ll do it again. I don’t trust her, even if she’s a princess.
Luna glowered at me. “You win this time, beast.” Oh hell no. That was hurtful. In all of my travels, I have never been referred to as a beast.
“I may be a rude vagrant, but I assure you, I am no beast, Princess.” I said, leering. I hate that bitch. “I am but a traveler, trying to get by.” Disgusted by Luna’s behavior, even Celestia looked away from her sister. Ouch. Now I felt sorry for her.
“But... but... the prophecy! He... the two legged destroyer... I... ARGH!” She turned and stormed out of the ruined library, her dropped spectral weapons slowly dissipating into thin air. There was a long silence as Luna’s grumblings slowly disappeared into the distance. I looked around, surveying the destruction caused by Luna’s spree. The furniture was well and truly carved up, the shelves were pretty much bust, and paper shreds littered the floor.
“...To be fair, she did believe that I was some sort of destroyer. And that it was told of in a prophecy.” I said, finally breaking the silence. I felt kind of sorry for Luna now, even though she tried to kill me. “I understand how being not believed by anyone feels like.”
Twilight and the others finally struggled to their feet, staring at the carnage before them. Twilight passed out when she saw the state the library was in.
“Dude. Did you seriously just beat Luna in a sword fight?” Spike said, impressed. “And she’s the princess who actually KNOWS combat magic!” Celestia looked grumpy, but didn’t correct him.
“I’m terribly sorry about my sister. She’s been going on and on about some crazy prophecy by our crackpot of a grandma.” Celestia sighed. For those of you who didn’t know, Celestia’s grandma was the infamous Crystal Orb, the mad oracle of Dephilly. She spouted prophecies all the time, but no one cared about them.
“Princess... forgive me for asking, but are the prophecies actually true?” I asked, carefully. I don’t want both royals after me, for obvious reasons. It was risky, but I had to find out more about myself. I feel like I barely know who I am.
“Of course not... wait...” Celestia fell into silence. The sacking of Trot. The fall of Roam. The Naga Khan. Cleocatra. Nightmare Moon. Discord. All confirmed prophecies. “...I think our grandma knew more than she let on. All these years, I thought she was mad... when she knew exactly what was going on.” Her eyes widened in realization.
“...So am I, or am I not, going to end the world?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
“Not on my watch, you won’t.” Celestia drew herself to full height.
“I just singlehandedly beat Luna. What can you do?” I asked, unimpressed. But my calm demeanor was just a charade. Inside, my mind was boiling from the revelation. I was the subject of a prophecy. By the ancient oracle of Delphilly. Ho Lee Fuck.
“Uh...”
“Exactly.” I said briskly. “Now, I’ll make sure not to cause the apocalypse. However, I must be bold enough to ask you to trust me. Just be rest assured that I will try my hardest to not be a destroyer.” I reached out a hand. Celestia stared at it, for a moment, before nodding and shaking it with a hoof. I shouldn’t be so calm. I should be freaking out. I’m pretty sure I’m in shock right now.
“Deal.” She said firmly. “However, if you misbehave, I still have ways of destroying you that you never knew of.” I shivered. It’s hard to believe that one of the most powerful beings in the world was so... dark. And that I just defeated one of the princesses of Equestria.
With the threat of death hanging above my head, I shuffled out of the library into the bright sunshine. Fucking sunshine. Always shining on me when I’ve just been threatened.
“Hey Nev!” Rainbow Dash flew up from behind me, presumably free of whatever had frozen her during my bout with Luna. “What happened back then?! You were just like, Raaaar! And Luna summoned those swords, and you were like Haha! And then you-”
I cut her off before she could continue. “Dash, I really don’t wanna talk about it.”
“... You okay, big guy?” Rainbow Dash is a tomboy. Yes. She’s a rough pony. Undeniable. She’s a dick sometimes. Absolutely true. But there are times when she can play nice, too. Perhaps not as well as maybe Fluttershy, but she was pretty good for someone with a similar mindset. Like me. “Are you... crying?”
“I’m... not.” I touched my eyes. They came away wet. God damn, I’m crying. “It’s just a post-traumatic stress response.” All the while, I leaked tears of withheld fear.
“Hey, dude, don’t be afraid to cry. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Said Rainbow, clumsily. Clumsily, but also endearingly. She’s awesome that way. “...But seriously, what’s the matter?” She was right, of course. I was crying.
I was calming down, but I still sobbed a bit. “I think I fucked up.” I moaned. “I’ll never get to live in peace at this rate.” I’m not usually this wuss, but I guess the years are catching up.
She slapped me. It fucking hurt. “ALRIGHT. YOU PONY UP THIS INSTANT, YOU SPINELESS MAGGOT! THE WORLD IS A CRUEL PLACE, AND YOU EITHER KILL OR BE KILLED! SO WHICH ONE IS IT?” That is finesse, there. Beautiful.
“...Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” I dried my eyes, grinning weakly. “I don’t have to care about no princess. All that matters is me. How I live my own life.” RD smiled and extended her hoof for a brofist. Hoof. Whatever. I gladly complied. That girl better watch it, or one of these days I might actually respect her...
MEANWHILE, IN THE BATCAVE...
Luna roared as she smashed one of the many obsidian spires jutting up from the ground. Snorting, she levitated the tip of the stalagmite, and, taking careful aim, hurled the sharp projectile into the head of a dummy... in the shape of Nevermore.
“Curse that human! Curse my idiotic sister!” She screamed, casting bolt after bolt of lightning into the charred rag doll. “Grandmother’s predictions were always right! That human will be the end of us. And my own senses tell of a source of chaotic power from the wretched thing!”
If Celestia would not listen, she would make her listen. Tia would see sense when it comes. She is blinded by the novelty of this curious shaved ape, something that Luna did not suffer from. A millennia on the moon does that to you sometimes.
And the humiliation. The humiliation of being beaten by something that may well be just a glorified monkey. If he was not immune to magic, he would be cut down before he could move...
But he was. Her magic could do nothing against him, and as such she had to think of other ways of disposing of this ‘Nevermore’. Sadly, her main source of power WAS magic. Which meant that she was quite tied down indeed. She had almost no way of defeating the furless freak of nature.
“Perhaps a magically dislodged stone? No, from what I’ve seen, his skin is almost impervious to damage, his strength is immense, and his wit is sharp. Think, Luna, think!” Luna growled as she continued to hurl spears of darkness into the practice dummy, which by now was thoroughly beaten and quickly falling apart. She smiled grimly as the head rolled off, straw coming out of the rip.
“What’s the matter? In trouble? In need of some... power?” The cave seemed to grow colder as whispers filled the large chamber. The air turned icy, and tendrils of frost crept up the walls.
“Who goes there?!” Luna cried, whirling around, horn alight. There was a flash of blue light, and the ice receded quickly. “Show yourself!” She growled, her horn aglow once again.
“I think you know me quite well... After all, we've spent quite a long time together...” The whispers hissed, closing in on Luna. Luna only snarled, firing off blast after blast of magical energy to dispel the intruder.
“BE GONE! WE HAVE NO MORE BETWEEN US!” Luna shrieked, tears in her eyes. One of her blasts struck a stray bit of mist, and the mist hissed. “I WISH NO MORE OF YOU!” The mist chuckled softly.
“You cannot run from me. Anyway, I’m just trying to help you here. The human is strong, and smart. But with me, together, we would be stronger, more intelligent, than anything in the world” The mist curled around Luna’s legs, and she hastily flew upwards with a flap of her powerful wings.
“Why... Why are you helping me?” Luna whispered, keeping an eye on the patch of mist. “We are enemies - sworn enemies. You are the stuff of Nightmare. I am the vanquisher of nightmares, the protector of dreams.” The mist actually burst out laughing this time, roaring in mirth.
“Child, we are not so different. You are but a lonely filly, nothing without her big sister. And I am just mist, unable to do anything more than scare foals in their sleep. But when you and I join forces... power untold of, Luna.” The mist murmured into her ears. Luna felt her guard drop. Of course, she knew she shouldn’t, but... the world mattered more, right? “Of course... In a world ruled by that... that thing, the weak like you and I would be swept away in the tide... unless we stand firm... stand TOGETHER. As one, we will rise above the common rabble, and reign supreme."
“But... my sister...” Luna started, hesitantly. She was hellbent on eradicating Nevermore, but she still cared for Celestia.
“She will have a fighting chance. She is strong enough to survive.” Whispered the mist. “You should know. We fought her before, before she was in her prime. We barely beat her.”
“YOU barely beat her, you mean.” Luna muttered. “I was never in charge.”
“...So is that a yes I hear?” The mist swirled excitedly. “You will be known as the savior, Luna.” Luna sighed, and nodded.
Instantly she felt the cold air seep inside her. The cave was cold enough to begin with, but when the sentient mist started entering her body... Luna felt chilled to the bones Literally. But alongside the cold, she also felt an undertone of... supreme power. Oh yes, it felt good.
Luna sighed happily as the familiar feeling of water running down her back returned. Except it was not water. It was inky blackness, the stuff of evil. It tricked downwards, along her slender legs, pooling around her hooves. She felt the blackness coat herself, wrapping around her body in a pupae of whirling black.
“It has been too long, old friend.” Luna heard herself say, exactly as the darkness spoke.
She felt the darkness fill her being, taking root in the pit of her heart. And this time, there was no innocent Luna hiding within. She had sold out her soul to save the world. Not even the Elements would be able to stop her. She, and the darkness, were as one.
The black shell slowly peeled away as I tested my new body. It was different from the one I had assumed before, as this time my enemy was different. It was not Celestia. It was the blasted human.
She was ready to fight him, on even footing.
“Ready or not, here I come~” She giggled as she unleashed her power.