//------------------------------// // Chapter 7: Catharsis and Recollection // Story: Hand in Hoof // by AdamThePony //------------------------------// Chapter 7: Catharsis and Recollection Following the rather crushing intervention between myself and mother—not to mention, an education on things most unbecoming for this recounting—I had found myself eating breakfast. On any other occasion, I took glee in enjoying such an essential part of the morning ritual. Yet, following such an awkward series of events with a morning’s meal proved to only make the situation ever more so. There was very little in the way of words between us that morning. There couldn’t be. I was told by my own mother that I was a foreign entity, and that I could only emulate the species that raised me. Perhaps that may not have been mother’s intent, but it shared the same sting. There was a certain irony in the event itself. The sun was not as blindingly bright as my hangover had initially made it out to be. The sunflowers in the royal garden were beginning to blossom their golden petals. The birds were lively as they fed their kin, singing their sweet melodies. The outside world seemed so much cheerier than I and my family were. Such a strange juxtaposition could not be achieved anyway else. Part of me wondered where I learned such a term as “juxtaposition”. No guard talked with such a diverse vocabulary as I. Was I really so divorced from the rest as mother had implied? Mother tried to say something, but as we exchanged glances, neither of us could muster a word. The most either of us needed to do was apologize, but the words to convey such a thing were lost to us. Aunt Luna decided to call the Chancellor to her side, whispering in a tone too low for me to register. Part of me filled with worry, but the rest of me simply remained silent and continued to eat. Please, let it not be over the birds and the bees. I recalled those as Luna’s last words prior to breakfast. That was, until the Chancellor rested a hoof upon my shoulder. “Lance,” he asked, turning me to face him. “Would you care to come with me a moment?” I rested a hand upon his hoof, sliding it off from my shoulder. “Why do you ask?” I murmur, rubbing away the dryness from my eyes. “I want to talk with you for a few moments,” the chancellor replied. “Nothing too serious; just a private conversation between two stallions.” It was tempting enough simply to refuse his offer and continue eating. But, as we silently stared between each other, I could tell he was as concerned as the rest. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt,” I sighed, clearing my throat. “May I bring my breakfast with me?” “I don’t see why not,” chuckled the chancellor dryly as he smiled. “My name is Silver Quill, by the way.” I nodded, scooting out my chair and taking my platter in my hands. At this point, I feel I should elaborate on the chancellor. While at this point, I now knew his name, for much of my youth, I knew him simply as an old stallion who shadowed mother. Prior to my indiscretions last evening, I had always been able to identify his silver quill on his flank. Though we’d rarely ever shared a formal exchange, what few times I spent talking with him, he spoke with a gravitas that came only from the muzzle of an experienced scribe. He carried an aura of his age that spoke more volume than I could ever know of anypony else. He was a cream-colored unicorn, clad in a slicked mane of silver sheen and icy blue eyes. Part of me assumed that at some point, mother had seduced him. Apropos of nothing, I timidly spoke again. “How is your flank?” I asked, being mindful not to lose my balance. In a vain attempt to hide his shame, the chancellor was clad in a great coat of a crimson color. I had removed his cutie mark from my own flanks some time ago, but it seemed to be growing back on its own, if at a slower pace than I would’ve anticipated. “Thankfully, there was no serious damage,” Silver Quill sighed, looking to me. “It will grow back.” I couldn’t help but chuckle for some reason as my cheeks began to flush pink. The two of us stopped at a door, Quill casting a cantrip over the handle to open the door, escorting me into the room within, shutting the door as he followed me. He motioned for me to sit at a nearby sofa, to which I acquiesced quickly. The tray left my hands and drifted onto a nearby side table, a glass of orange juice brought to my hand. “So what did you wish to talk about, Mr. Quill?” I asked, taking a sip of juice, recoiling at its tartness. “Simply put, I wanted to inquire about last night, and perhaps the nights prior to it,” Quill said, taking a seat behind a desk, taking a quill and parchment in his magic. “I wish to get an understanding of what led to last night’s proceedings and see if I can’t help you.” “Help me?” I parroted, confused. “How could you help me in any way?” “Well, it’s clear as day that you are quite disconnected from your peers,” Quill replied, dipping his eponymous quill into an inkpot. “Remember, I said that this was stallion to stallion; I realize that being raised without a proper father, you’ve had... few male role models to talk to. Your sergeants and teachers are not exactly... sociable.” “And?” “And, I’d like to be that role model for a little while, starting with last night. Tell me, what do you remember from that evening?” A sigh left my lungs as I rubbed my temples to muster even a faint memory. “I remember retiring to my bunk in the barracks following mother’s invitation to speak later,” I began, taking another sip of juice. “I was rather tired from having to stand at attention until the speech.” “As I recall...you had just graduated, right? What exactly were your plans to celebrate?” “I planned to rest my heels and ponder what mother wanted to talk about.” “Really? That was all? No plans of going drinking or cavorting with young mares?” “No. A Royal Guard shouldn’t stray from his work. At least, that’s what I was taught.” “And that’s all well and good, but to that, I give you this old saying; ‘All work with no play makes Jack a dull colt.’ ” I quirked an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Quill chuckled, scribbling down on his parchment. “Not to insult you, but you sound like a wet blanket. Perhaps you were invited because of that. Every party needs a pooper, after all.” I gave Quill a piercing stare. “That sounds incredibly insulting.” Quill kept chuckling and smiled. “I’m only poking fun, Lance; nothing personal. But in all seriousness, even a guard has to have a little fun outside the battlefield every now and then. If all they did was stand vigil at the gates, they’d end up going mad long before they reach tenure.” “You can’t possibly be serious,” I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Are you implying I needed to get drunk off of my ass last night?” “To be completely honest, yes.” Quill replied, pausing his writing. “Even ponies like Shining Armor took at least an hour out of their day to enjoy themselves. Heck, he even ended up married!” “I’m honestly not sure which is worse; shellshock or wedlock.” “At least the latter gives you somepony to talk to.” “What’s your point?” I sighed with a deadpan tone. “The point I’m trying to make here is that ponies are social types,” Quill said back. “Even the guard are social ponies. When they aren’t standing guard, they like to poke fun at each other’s stance, or their weapons or what have you. They have a brand of humor that you don’t seem to have picked up.” “And that’s a bad thing?” I quipped. “I thought being task-oriented was a trait all of us had to have.” “And it is,” Quill snipped, pressing his hooves together “But when it’s your only good trait, it can mean very bad things, should you ever be given charge of a phalanx.” “How so?” “Simply put, being part of a Phalanx means not only keeping your mind on the task at hand, but also trusting your fellow stallions and mares with as much of your life as you would give your own family. In a way, the members of your Phalanx are more than just brothers and sisters in arms; they are practically your family, and you should treat them as such.” Quill took a pause and gave me a rather deep gaze. “To put it bluntly, Lance, you treat just about everypony outside of Princess Celestia and Luna as if they were complete strangers,” he said with a very dry, clear tone. “You don’t make fun, you don’t learn their names, you don’t even make a single word of small talk. And I wish to know just why exactly that is.” The two of us remained silent for a few moments, and Quill began to scribble what I had said so far.. “Let’s start from the beginning,” Quill insisted, his face softening. “What were your early years like, Lance?” “You mean, what was my infancy like?” I asked, shifting my back further up the sofa as I stretched. “If you’d like to start from there, I suppose,” Quill said with a soft smile. “As far back as you can care to remember.” I tried to muster my memories, taking another sip of orange juice. “From what I can remember, I was found just outside the royal gates. The guard found me in a manger, and brought me to Celestia’s attention. While she couldn’t immediately take me beneath her wing, she managed to arrange for me to stay with Cadence and Shining Armor. At least, that’s what I was told. “Most of my earlier years were spent in the Crystal Empire. It was cold in the mornings, but around midday, the light from the crystals and the warmth of the Crystal Heart kept even the chilliest of winters at bay. My aunt and uncle had a number of complications in raising me, particularly in my diet and exercise, but they were quick to pick up my habits. However, Uncle Shining would often try to impose Equestrian values, some of which were rather...bohemian.” “He had you stand outside naked, didn’t he?” My eyes shot wide as I sat up. “How do you know about that?!” Silver Quill doubled over laughing. “Your uncle was never one to keep things secret.” I rolled my eyes. “Anyway, when I was of age, I attended the local academy near the castle grounds. It took some time for me to grasp just what exactly my hands were useful for, they proved to be indispensable for my penmanship. I learned the usual reading, writing, and arithmetic, as well as geology and history, with the addition of mythology for good measure. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure what mythology had to do with the rest of my studies, but something in me took a particular pleasure in the subject.” “Any particular story come to mind?” Quill asked, his ears perking up. I put a finger to my chin, pondering. “I think my personal favorite was the legend of the Crystal Queen. According to ancient myth, before Aunt Cadence became the Crystal Princess, and before Sombra ruled the Empire with an iron hoof, a mare named the Crystal Queen ruled over the Crystal Ponies. Her true name has been lost to the ages, but many ponies recall her common name as Mag’ne the Radiant. She was allegedly a peerless sorceress, whose skill in both the mystical and martial was rivaled by few. For over five hundred years, she led the Empire into a golden age of peace and prosperity, her Justicars protecting the realm without fail. That was, until she mysteriously departed. “Nopony knew where she came from or where she went, but in her wake, the Empire grew weak, and Sombra took the reins in her stead. For a time, his rule was just, but at some point, something changed in him. He became hungry for power, and wanted nothing more than to bring everypony beneath his hooves. He enslaved the Crystal Ponies, and forced them to toil endlessly. For a thousand years, his rule was unchallenged, until my mother and aunt took to the forefront. “With their celestial magics, they fought back against the shadow king, reducing his form to little but a black vapor and sealing him within the mountain range.” “The rest, as they say, is history,” I concluded, clearing my throat. Quill chuckled, more lightly now, and smiled. “What’s so funny?” I asked, looking uneasy. “With the way you’re able to tell stories, I’m surprised you became a soldier and not an orator,” Quill snickered. “But I digress; did you make any friends during your time at the Crystal Academy?” I fell into a hush, my eyes falling onto the jade necklace I still kept about my neck. For a moment, I took it into my hand, sighing wistfully. “Just one,” I mumbled. “Sparkling Spring.” “And how was she?” “Well, she was the only filly to ever really give me the time of day,” I replied, letting the necklace fall limp. “Probably one of my only real friends there, too. For some reason, she took a lot of interest in me, and helped me out more than the other kids did. I don't know if they were scared of me or just didn't like me, but for some reason, everypony but her just seemed...uneasy around me. Where everypony else had their own little lunch groups, she was the only one who bothered eating with me. She wasn't afraid of me. Rather, she was... curious. Curious to figure me out, while the rest wondered if I was some kind of monster.” “Interesting,” Quill hummed, his quill continually aloft. “Any particular moments you’d like to cite from your time with her?” “Just one,” I said with a smile. “It was a long time ago—I think I might have been five or six then. My geology class was talking about jade that day. All the different kinds, the history behind them, what ponies used them for. When she finished her lecture, she started handing out pieces of it for us to see. But, for some reason, nopony would pass me a piece to look at. It made me feel really left out. I was about to just lie down and nap it off, but Spring held me up. I told her what was wrong, and she told me to close my eyes. When I opened them again, she gave me the necklace that’s on my neck right now. “When I asked her why, she said ‘Because nopony should have to feel left out—not even you.’” “Well, that was very sweet of her,” the chancellor cheerfully chuckled. “Have you seen her much since school?” I shook my head. “Not since graduation. But the necklace has always been a kind of memento of her. Ever since she gave it to me all those years ago, I’ve almost never taken it off. Even when I exposed myself to the elements, I never took that necklace off. It just feels too important to part with.” “Well, it’s always important to cherish things like that, Lance. After all, if she were as close of a friend to you as you make it sound, the necklace must be more than just a keepsake.” I hush for a few minutes. I bring the end of the necklace again into my palm, gazing wistfully at the tiny reflection of myself inside. For some reason, staring inside of it gave me a feeling of catharsis and nostalgia the likes of which I’d not felt in ages. Something just felt right with me when I held onto it. Like it was something I should treasure with my life. “Were there any other friends besides her?” Quill asked, looking curious. “Robin,” I replied, wiping away an oncoming tear. “A camping buddy of mine when I joined the Colt Scouts.” “Really, now? And what was he like?” “To be honest, a lot like me. He was a dreamer. Where I wanted to be a knight, he would’ve wanted to be my squire or my scribe. Had we not parted ways, I might’ve taken him up on it. He was kind of like a sidekick to me, for how little time we spent. Our first major adventure came around the first night at camp. The fires were going out, and pretty much everypony else was off asleep. So, daring as any other child might be, I volunteered to get firewood, and he volunteered to spot me. We set off into the wood, and before I knew it, I made a bear pretty mad. I’m not sure what Robin was doing, but I didn’t see him while I was running. But as I fled, I heard the voice of my uncle remind me of my capacities, and some divine intervention saved me from getting mauled. Soon after, I met Aunt Luna for the first time, and after that, the trip just sailed away like a pirate ship. Much like Sparkling Spring, I didn’t see much of him afterward.” “I see...” Quill hummed, the feather of the quill brushing against his bottom lips. “And what did you do since?” “Well, Aunt Luna gave me my first tour of the royal guard academy, and I sparred with a mare named Firefly. Somehow, I managed to win, much to the surprise of the others. It was an overall short tour, but I appreciated it nonetheless.” “So in all this time, you only ever made two friends, and the rest of your life was devoted to becoming a proper soldier?” I sighed. “That’s pretty much the gist of it, yes.” Quill seemed to be very interested in me for a moment. His eyes scanned across his paper, and his next question was just a single word. “Why?” I was confused for a moment, scratching my head. “Why, what?” “Why spend all your time learning how to fight instead of making friends?” I gave him a flat look for a few seconds, and heaved another sigh. “You really want to know?” I asked, exasperated. “That’s why we’re here, yes,” Quill quipped, pushing up his reading lenses. I sat up, arching my back as I let out a tired roar. “The truth is, the reason why I chose the path I did was simple,” I began, looking toward a faded recruitment poster. “For the majority of my life, I grew up feeling like an outsider. Even with my noble upbringing, I was never given the saturation of friendship and affection that most ponies got. I constantly wondered to myself what I was, and nopony gave me a straight answer. Nopony seemed to want to have anything to do with me. So, at the behest of my uncle and my own judgement, I decided to join the guard. I reasoned that, if I could not be recognized for my upbringing or my race, I would be recognized through my actions. I trained every day, pushing myself further and further, adapting to the zeitgeist of my peers, yet shutting myself away from the majority. If my social skills wouldn’t earn me anything, then my martial ones would. Any other soldier would be just that. But not me; I want to be the one that ponies will remember. If and when I join those old ones in the sky, I want people to remember me not as a pony, or as some ape.” I stood up, thrusting a finger to the chancellor, a fire of passion rekindled in my emerald eyes. “I want them to remember me as Lance Petal, Knight of Equestria! Descendent of Mag’ne the Radiant!” Quill didn’t say a thing. He pressed his hooves together, a grin cocked on his face. “Well, Lance, I’d say you’ve got quite some lofty dreams,” he chuckled, pushing up his frames. “I’m glad we could have a nice, personal talk about this.” “Same here,” I happily sighed. “It’s been a while since I’ve had a personal moment like this.” “There’s just one more thing before you go,” he said, holding up a hoof. “And this involves that drake, Spike.” “What about him?” I asked, sitting down a moment. “While I can’t say the same for the rest of Her Royal Majesty’s rant, one detail that she did get right was about Spike,” he answered, opening the curtains behind him ever so slightly. “Spike went on a journey some years ago during the Great Dragon Migration. Though nopony gave a lot of solid details about his journey, he did reach the Badlands. In his time, he most surely met a number of different cultures and communities. He’s nothing if not well-traveled. Having said that, he also has a quality that may help you even more than that.” “That being?” I queried, finishing the rest of my juice. “Simply put, he is unfailingly loyal,” Quill chimed, no longer writing on his paper. “He has been Twilight Sparkle’s retainer for quite some time, and soon enough, he’ll start to enter his next phase in life. He’s growing up just as much as you are, and as far as I can see, the two of you would be a perfect match. Especially considering his clerical skill.” “You mean his letter-writing capabilities?” “Precisely, my boy; Along this journey, you should take the time to sit down and report your findings. Tell us what you learned, and if need be, send for help. Just don’t go too overboard with it—the last time somepony did that, Ponyville had a massive riot over a stuffed toy.” I gave the chancellor a deadpan look, cocking my brow. “I wish I were joking then,” Quill chuckled. He sat up, rolling up the scroll and smiling. “Well, I think that this has been a rather productive morning, Lance,” he proudly proclaimed. “No need to pay me, boy; I’m only happy to be of assistance.” As the two of us returned to the dining room, mother's face warmed up with a smile, her wings fanning out to greet me. “I can see that you're in much better spirits, Lance,” she cooed as her wing wrapped around me. “I take it your talk with the chancellor went well?” “Indeed, Your Royal Highness,” said Quill, producing a scroll before her. “He and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart to get to the root of his troubles, which I've documented in this scroll.” Celestia's lips pursed as she took the scroll in her magic. “I see... I will have a look at this later,” she noted, placing it neatly on the table. “For now, feel free to leave us.” “Thank you, Your Royal Highness,” Quill replied, bowing as he dismissed himself. As the chancellor made his departure, mother nuzzled me as a frown came to her muzzle. She seemed upset, and turned away for a moment. “Lance, about this morning...” she sighed, her wings becoming limp. “I realize that my wording was rather...unbecoming of me, to say the least. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings when I said what I did. What I meant to say earlier was simply, even if you aren't a pony, there are some things that transcend species. There are many things that life can teach you. Things that cannot be learned in a classroom or a barrack.” “What kind of things?” I asked, curious. “Things like one's nature. Things like one's true character,” Mother replied. “What makes us individual and what makes us unique. The things that bring us together and set us apart. Though you are not of my blood, you are family to me all the same, Lance.” We observed another silence, very nearly at the edge of tears. “Lance?” she asked, masking her sadness with a straight face. “Yes, mom?” I asked in return. “Will you forgive me?” There were no words from me. Not a one. Instead, I stepped away to get at least a meter or so of space. Then, mustering all my bittersweet will, lunged at my dearest mother, my arms wrapped around her withers. I buried my face in her alabaster coat, squeezing her as tight as my arms would allow. I held on with the vice of a crab, hoping that my loving embrace would seep through her hide and fill me with warm affection. I felt her neck wrap against mine as we both shared a tender moment of togetherness. We were in each others' embrace. No words, no tears, not even whispers. Just a quiet moment of catharsis between a mother and her son. A moment that could last practically forever. Soon enough, I found myself being lifted onto mother's back with a golden glow. “Come; I want to show you something,” she said with a sniff. I rode upon mother's back, trying to keep her ever-flowing mane from getting too close to my body, my hands against her neck. Mother ambled to what looked to be a rather impressively-sized library. Shelves of books and scrolls stretched as high as my eyes could drift, all neatly arranged. A titanic hourglass took the center of the room, grains of tan sand trickling down as the sunlight shone through a skylight above. “Many years ago, my former student and your aunt, Twilight Sparkle, spent many of her days in this very library,” Mother started, her hooves grazing a few of the more worn books and scrolls along the shelves. “Day after day, she would just sit here, wiling away the hours with books. She would fill her brain with all sorts of knowledge, be it magic, history, science, or whatever subject came across her mind. This was her sanctuary, cut away from the rest of the world in solitude. Then, one one particular day, she learned the legend of Nightmare Moon, and warned me about her return on the thousandth anniversary of the Summer Sun Celebration. Knowing that even I wouldn't have the power to stop her, I sent Twilight to Ponyville to make sure the celebration would be in order.” “Why would you do that?” I wondered aloud. “Wouldn't you want to make sure everypony was safe?” “Because if there's one thing I know about friendship, it is that crisis can often bring even the least likely of companions together. When Twilight and her friends journeyed into the Everfree Forest, she was challenged to trust in her friends, and ultimately, through their help, freed my sister of the corruption in her mind. Then, some time later, when Discord reared his head again, it was this same friendship that freed her of disharmony and returned him to his stone prison once again.” Mother chuckled a moment. “In a way, she used to be a lot like you are now, Lance.” I blinked. “What do you mean?” “She used to fawn over me and look up to me as if I were the best mare in the world. To her, I was all that mattered. So long that I was content with her, she'd be over the moon. Then, once Twilight's heart was opened to the magic of friendship, she found a group of friends that filled her life with joy and camaraderie that only the best of friends could have.” As mother helped me off of her back, my eyes drifted to the skylight. “That, my son, is why I'm asking you to embark on this journey,” she said, looking up to the skylight with me, “A life without friends is one incomplete. Once you find somepony to care about... Somepony to protect as if they were your kin... Then, I think you'll be one step closer to understanding yourself, and to unlocking the mysteries of your existence.” I looked up at the clouds from the skylight and shut my eyes. “So you want to send me on a journey of self-discovery, much like you had with Twilight?” “Exactly,” mother replied. “Experience can be a wonderful teacher, Lance. One of the best ways to learn about the world is to explore it for yourself, whether it's the breadth of the Equestrian Continent, or far beyond it. You never quite know what to expect once you leave home for the first time, and that can be just as fun as it is scary.” “And you're sure I'm ready for this?” I asked, my hand grazing the glass of the hourglass. “Only if you are.” Stillness took the library as we both pondered the situation. This was a lot for me to swallow, and I couldn't quite make up my mind on what to do. Part of me was just as afraid of what would lie beyond my home as it was the consequences of not leaving it. Even in my indoctrination, I was still rather inept when it came to social dealings. For some reason, the idea of going truly alone was scary to me. Then, from left field, mother suggested a rather mad idea. “Would you like to have a party?” I was taken aback at just how spontaneous the suggestion sounded. “A party?” I parroted. “What for?” “Well, to see you off, for one,” Celestia chuckled. “That, and I think it is due time to finally reveal you to Equestria in full.” “I won't have to it naked, will I?” “Only if you wish to,” she teased, rubbing a hoof through my hair. “Just like you can call me Princess Celestia if you wish to; It's your choice, and I will love you regardless of what that choice is.” My choice, huh? I pondered for a moment. This could have been my chance for everypony to know me for who I am, rather than what I am. This could be my chance to fling open the doors to my mind and heart, which had both become locked away. I felt inside me a warmness like the fires within the sun. I held my chest for a moment, looking the sand dribbling down the hourglass as my eyes drifted away. Celestia's hoof cradled my shoulder as she lowered her head, smiling gingerly. My fingers seemed to absentmindedly run through her ever-moving mane. The locks danced across my back as we simply inhaled our own scents. We both smelled of rich lavender soaps of such rich decadence that for a moment, it caused us to lose ourselves to what we were originally speaking of. As if a whip had cracked at the back of my head, I suddenly remembered what brought this whole moment on. My arms drifted to my head, one of them extended to mother in an open palm. Mother was confused at first, but smiled as her foreleg cradled itself into my hand. “I think that's an excellent idea,” I said as I began to smile in return. I had a feeling in my heart at that moment that everything was going to be just fine.