//------------------------------//
// Learning Curve 
// Story: Gears in the Void 
// by Lab 
//------------------------------//

A few minutes later found me trying to catch my breath on one of Ponyville's disturbingly numerous park benches, as running while laughing like a dentist had gassed me didn’t mix well. Rarity hadn’t followed me out of the store, but I had to make sure she wasn't chasing me down with a vendetta for startling her like that. In my defense, it was hilarious.

A smoothed dirt path meandered between the well-maintained flowers and trees. Every tree’s leaves could not have been greener if they'd dumped a can of paint over them, and the flowers shared a similar vibrancy. Unfortunately, the last vestiges of my hangover reacted poorly to the hundred meter get-away-from-Rarity dash combined with the visible spectrum's attack on my retinas.

"Aww, my cupcake." I frowned at the small pile, hoping it would reconsider being a nasty bunch of goop and return to its scrumptious pastry status.

"Maybe you should get going before anybody notices you're trying to pave the path with your breakfast." He hadn’t broken a sweat from running alongside me, but he still used his hat to fan himself faster than a coked-up southern belle.

Twilight, in her hunger for knowledge, had likely prepared an interrogation at the library, but it couldn’t be put off forever. The stories I’d read came to mind, and even though a small part of me agreed with Dave that fiction shouldn’t be trusted, it was all I had. They suggested a few likely questions, and coming up with answers for them would set me ahead.

A changeling nodded at me as he buzzed by, his wings a blur as they carried him off before I thought to wave back. I made a mental note to ask Twilight about them.

Upon reaching the marketplace, some of the merchants scooted their carts and stands away from the road. At least they didn’t run in terror.

The shopping went by in a half hour, and as much as shopping used to annoy me, there was something satisfying about haggling. The lack of a cart limited my purchases to a sturdy tool belt similar to the one I'd had for my old pick, a few simple tools to go in it, and a fresh pair of saddlebags. Hopefully, these wouldn't be left in a hospital in my haste to dodge a certain pink-haired mare.

"Hey, Dave." The comforting weight of the saddlebags and belt hardly hindered my movement at all, even at a bouncy trot. "I was thinking… I'm going to need some more furniture for the place, but that got me to wondering about the rest of the pack. With trade opening up, maybe we could improve quality of life down there.”

"Sounds good to me, but I'd talk with them first. They might prefer hard stone to a soft bed for some reason, but that's only a maybe, and I don't think they would disagree with some general improvements. You know, I bet they finished that tunnel. Maybe we can use that guard you saved as leverage to convince the mayor to allow it. Put a minecart track down in there and boom, easy route."

"And with Fido able to produce thaumite now, I should be able to rig them up with patterns if I figure out a decent control mechanism."

"Now you're getting it. But don't devote all your thought to that just yet. Remember, we still aren't entirely out of the woods just yet. I really hope Luna is making headway on that bastard so we have a better idea of what we're up against. We need to take this break to fortify our defenses. When they come back, they'll come back hard."

"Fire and magic. Simple, but we know it works. We have torches and lanterns, so I think that means we have pitch unless they're using something else. Trap 'em and burn ‘em. Also, I’ve already talked with Fido about knuckling down."

”You don’t even have knuckles.”

“You know what I mean.”

"The fire might not be the best idea since it'll probably happen in the caves. I don't need it much, but you and the dogs require air." Dave scratched his chin pensively, then snapped his fingers. "Easy, we just have them dig air tunnels or something. I'm sure they know how cave stuff works, so as long as you don't do it all yourself, we shouldn't have to worry too much."

"Don't worry about that, I'll be busy taking care of the magic part of fire and magic… Wait, when did we get to the library?"

He chuckled and patted my head. "A few minutes ago. You sounded like you were on roll, so I didn't want to break it up. You ready for the Purple Terror?"

With any luck, my knocks didn’t betray my anxiety. "Hell no."

"It's open!"

The library looked a lot like it did any other time I’d been there, and the book-hoard had changed little. On a cushion sat Twilight, who was surrounded by spare parchment and enough quills to make a pegasus’s wings twitch with discomfort. Come to think of it, that was the first time I’d visited the library and Twilight was already present.

There was also the usual overworked purple dragon, more books, mysterious mist rolling out from under a door I'd never used, a burgundy psychiatrist’s couch, and even more books. There was an odd smell to the smoke. It was familiar, but I couldn’t quite put a name to it.

"Twilight Sparkle, if you say 'and how does that make you feel,’ I'm going to scour my memory for the most poorly written clopfics, rewrite them, and then read them to you." My glare spoke of terrible things, of things that can not be unseen, of things that make you shudder if you randomly think about them during the day and choke if you're drinking something at the time. She flinched, but that may have been more about them being poorly written than subject matter.

"Do I want to know what a clopfic is?" She nervously chuckled and levitated a few psychology books back to their original places. "Well, have a seat and let's talk. Spike, you can go help Rarity now."

"Why am I suddenly glad I don't know what a clopfic is? And no, please don't tell me later." Dave absently browsed the shelves.

A small, scaly blur managed a "Hey, Gears." before it disappeared out the door.

Lying on the couch put me at eye level with Twilight, who was still sitting on the floor. "What about Zecora? Not that I'd mind if she knew with her whole wise-shaman deal."

"Don't worry about the smoke. Zecora set up down in my laboratory because it's better for her ingredients. I'm sure she wouldn't pry on such a private matter, but it's good to know you don't mind her being privy if it comes to that."

"Alright. What do you want to get over with first, Dr. Freud? The inevitable psychology or the Q&A about my old world?"

"Dr. Freud?" She absent-mindedly nibbled the end of the quill. "Human psychologist?"

"Before my time, but yeah, he was a famous one."

"Famous you say? What kind of work did he do?"

I snorted. "All you need to know is cocaine, sauerkraut, repressed memories, and penis envy." The lack of a blush made me frown. "Schlong envy." I’d have to remember that scientific names didn’t faze her. "You are way too easy to mess with, Twilight."

Dave elbowed me in the side, grinning. "Don't forget all males want to sleep with their mothers."

She huffed and hid her face behind the scroll as she wrote. "Can you please be serious about this? What did he actually do?"

"It wasn’t specific, but I wasn't really lying about any of that." The awkward silence was glorious. "New question, ask away."

"Alright, let's start with this. How well do you feel you are currently adjusting to life as a mare?"

Of course that’s what she wanted to talk about. They hear I’d been gender-flipped, and suddenly it’s all they want to talk about. "I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably have to say it again—I knew just about as much as being a stallion as I did a mare. Sure you could argue about still being male if I ended up as a stallion, but switching between species is more jarring in my opinion. Biped to quadruped? Omnivore to herbivore? Hands and feet to hooves? Beats the snot out of some dangly bits in my book."

Twilight let out a studious "Hmm" and glanced towards the books she had stashed earlier. "I can see how that might be. I know you’re sick of the question—we’re just concerned, alright?”

“Sorry, it’s just so frustrating hearing about it all the time. I want to know why—that’s it.” My hoof stomped hard on the last word, startling me as much as Twilight.

”Maybe if you’d actually deal with it…”

“There are some transformation spells that could change your species or gender, but they are all temporary as far as I know. Are you sure you didn't influence your new form in some way?" Her amethyst eyes flickered over various book titles out of reflex, and it took an act of will to turn her attention back.

"As sure as I can be. I didn't exactly have a make-a-pony switch on the doohickey I used to get here."

"Would you be able to rebuild this machine?" Twilight inched forward on her cushion.

"Ha!" Dave scoffed. "I'd like to see her go through that shit."

I couldn't help but laugh. Sure, she couldn't have known, but it was still too funny. "Not a chance in Tartarus. Even if I remembered everything I’d need to build it, I still wouldn't be able to do anything. The parts were very specific." While trying to come up with a suitable analogy, I heard a faint explosion and what could only be Zebrican cursing. We shared a good laugh with Zecora none the wiser. "Imagine a bag full of bits, and as far as you can tell, they're identical in every way. But you need just one of those bits. None of the others will work. It looks the same, weighs the same. Everything is the same. Except it apparently isn't, since only one of those bits works."

Twilight looked at me incredulously, her quill still quickly scratching on the parchment. "If they all appeared identical, how did you know which one you needed."

"Had hunches, followed hunches."

She groaned. "You're trying to tell me you built a device that let you transcend the barrier between realities using only your gut?"

"And explosives. And Rick." I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness for the friend that was lost during the trip through the void. Twilight looked confused. "He's a crowbar. Well, I didn't use them to build it exactly, but I used them to get the stuff to do so."

Dave sighed. "I miss Rick. He was a better conversationalist than you. No offense, I just never got the feeling he was ignoring me."

"What have your hunches helped you do in Equestria?"

"Haven't had any. It's really weird when you feel little twinges constantly, and then suddenly it's not there. I don't know what they were, but they saved my ass way more than they should have. Not that I'm not thankful, though. I like living."

"As do I." She chuckled and returned to nibbling on her quill. "Let's go back to where I mentioned spells that could have transformed you. The scanning spell used earlier was just quick diagnostic. I know one that’s much more thorough, and I could use it if you’d like. It may be our best chance of finding anything." 

"Whatever floats your boat, Dr. Princess."

She rolled her eyes before closing them and lighting up her horn. There was the mildest of tinglings, but that was it. Twilight's face was screwed up in concentration, her brow wrinkled like a disgruntled shar-pei's. I wondered what she could see while she was poking around in there, but she didn't react to any forced mental images.

"Still nothing." Twilight sighed and rubbed her head. "There is absolutely nothing affecting you. It’s the same results as earlier: you are just an ordinary earth pony mare. Celestia, Luna, and I are nearly one hundred percent certain of your origins, but wouldn't that mean you'd show up here as a human if there was no magic influence on you? How did you become a pony? And why a mare?"

"Sorry, Twilight, no clue. If it helps speed this along, I'm being completely honest when I say it doesn't bother me. I really don't get why that's so hard to understand."

Sighing, Dave pantomimed shaking me by the shoulders. "We don't understand either!"

Her head shook, the pink strip bouncing distractedly among her otherwise violet mane. "It's not hard to understand. We just want to make sure there aren't any more issues that need to be dealt with." She sadly mumbled, "Definitely seen more than your fair share of trauma."

“Twilight, I don't need pity, really."

"Well, there is something else that came up on the scan." She bit her lip nervously and refused to look me in the eye,

"Pony cancer? Arturian brain worms?"

"You're pregnant."

You could hear a pin drop, and nothing dared move. Even the smoke, that had been billowing out from under the basement door thanks to Zecora's work, had nearly frozen in place. I gulped. "What? But—but I didn't even have sexytimes! That's just… ew… get it out get it out get it out!"

Twilight slowly approached and wrapped me in a hug, cooing, "Shh, it's going to be alright. Would you like to know something?"

"You're going to Kali-ma the parasite out of my gut?" It would hurt, but I was willing to stomach the pain.

Dave chuckled grimly. "Any way I can get front row tickets for that?" That was a bit much, even for him.

"No." You could taste the tension in the air, like blueberries and peanut butter. She leaned in close and whispered, "That’s for calling me Princess Purple."

I groaned with the realization and Twilight toppled over in laughter, fortunately releasing me from the hug first. "Shit… you got me good." She had no idea she’d just declared war. I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding and slowly applauded by clopping my hoof on the floor.

"Hell yeah she did. Kudos to her for that one."

Suddenly, there was a noise that sounded suspiciously similar to an eavesdropping zebra losing her balance while laughing, then falling down the stairs. Dave and I laughed, while Twilight sighed and checked on her.

"She's fine, just a little bruised." She retook her seat and scribbled a few notes down. "You took that really well. The revealing part, not the announcement in the first place."

Using a prank during a psychological evaluation was a bit hard, by my standards. "Clever filly. Well, are we done with the mind probe yet?"

"More or less. We should have enough time left for you to answer a few questions. I don't quite trust the night just yet, even with Luna protecting it once again." Twilight nodded and unfurled the first of many question laden scrolls.

“How much did they tell you? I know I explained a bit to Celestia, and Luna learned a bit from dreamwalking.” And Dave, but Twilight wasn’t cool enough to know about him yet.

“More about the end of your world—” Twilight shivered like she’d just participated in a dunk-the-princess carnival game. “I’m sorry. I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around it. More about the end than anything else. As far as I know, they wanted me to be the first to hear and record most of the information. I should have a list of questions somewhere around—”

"Wait, let me save you some breath and time. Get ready to write." I took a few deep breaths and launched into a half-planned tirade.

From me, Twilight Sparkle learned about Earth faster than she would have with wikipedia. I told her the basics of my old species and planet. She was dismayed she only got ten seconds to drool over the internet and frustrated my retelling of history was the abridged version of the original abridged version’s table of contents. The opportunity for revenge presented itself at the topic of omnivores.

“No need to make that face, Twilight. There’s nothing wrong with a species eating meat, is there?” It took everything just to avoid hurling myself, but a pyrrhic victory is still a victory. “Do you have a problem with gryph—” Noise refused to come out of my mouth as Twilight’s horn glowed.

“Shut up, Sterling.” She took deep breaths until she regained her composure, although she needed to pause again after nearly every sentence. “Most ponies don’t bat an eye if a species eats meat. I know you’ve met Applejack, but did you know they raise a couple pigs every year? They’re not just for garbage disposal, and you won’t find truffles anywhere nearby. If you’ll behave, I’ll tell you why it—why it makes me sick.”

The hold on my mouth faded the moment I nodded. “Silencing spells are cheating.”

“As you might know, I lived in Canterlot Castle before coming to Ponyville. One time when I was a filly, there was a mix-up, and I was delivered the meal originally intended for Ambassador Coalfeather, a gryphon.”

“Oh.”

“It gets worse. Ponies tend to get a little nauseous from eating meat in the first place, but Coalfeather’s favorite dish is—aged pork.”

“That’ll do it.”

“You didn’t hide your sickness very well. Why would it make you ill?”

“Because whenever I think of it, I get slapped with a memory of the sickest I’ve ever been.”

What remained of Twilight’s nausea vanished in an instant. “That’s interesting. So you’re saying that something about your transformation forcibly conditioned your sense of taste? If it’s any consolation, I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t know how I’d handle it if daisy and daffodil sandwiches made me sick. Can we get back on topic though?”

After lightly touching on war and the lack of magic, I got carried away explaining science. It was weird—things I couldn’t remember just started pouring out. I remembered a song detailing the periodic table of the elements, almost falling into laughter at Twilight’s wide-eyed expression halfway through. Only giving her a promise to explain further at a later time allowed me to continue.

Her quill’s tip broke during my examples of technology, and the poor thing smoked as she discarded it and grabbed a new one, motioning for me to start again.

It wasn’t much longer before I said, “I think I’ve scratched the surface of just about everything. Long story short: once upon a time on the not-so-magical-planet of Earth, there were a bunch of humans. Then they all got eaten by a bunch of zombies. The End. Can I get a glass of water? I'm dying over here." My throat was more parched than a salt flat in the Sahara.

"I'd say you covered most of your bases with that. Can't think of anything off the top of my head you missed. Well done."  Dave nodded. After the meat incident, he’d stopped wandering and sat down.

A stunned princess hoofed me a drink, which was promptly drained. "Thanks. There’s a tiny bit more, but that's the basics. This last part gets a little weird. And yes, I am aware of what I was just explaining. I know what you want to ask, and this next bit explains it, but I need to be absolutely certain you won't have an existential crisis, curl up in a ball and cry yourself to sleep, or end up enchanting another random object so that ponies fall in love with it."

What was Zecora doing down there? The familiarity of the smell was driving me nuts.

The last words woke her from her coma, and she glared at me. Twilight opened her mouth to tell me off, but closed it in the confusion. Then it flopped open and shut again, since she knew I would be answering that question as well. "Explain."

"No way. I'm going to need a Pinkie Promise, so you get a little more incentive not to break it. Just make sure not to poke yourself in the eye this time."

She scoffed. "I haven't done that in—" Her eyes widened. "Will you please stop that?" She sighed while I smiled. "Fine." She performed the Pinkie Promise with practiced precision, and I wasn't sure if I should have been proud or disappointed she didn't poke herself in the eye. "Now spill those beans."

"Alright, just remember your promise. Losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend…" Both of us looked around in anticipation. It wasn't like Pinkie to miss her cue.

From behind the basement door came the sound of hooves on stairs. The door slammed open, and Zecora, slightly irritated, ushered out a very sheepish-looking Pinkie. The door abruptly closed behind the pink pony the moment she was clear.

"My bad." She shrugged and bounced towards the front door. "Must have took a wrong turn." We held back our giggles until she was gone.

"Oh, Pinkie." Twilight sighed wistfully. At least she’d finally learned not to question the Pie.

"Forever!" cried Pinkie Pie as her head popped out of an ink vial, causing both of us to jump, Twilight adding a yelp of surprise to the mix. "Good, glad we got that cleared up. Dave, you're coming with me, we've got some baking to do. Bye guys!" She gripped his hand with an iron hoof, and, despite his protests, yanked him back into the vial with her.

"Dammit, Pinks! This better not stain!"

It didn’t smell like Twilight had drugged my drink.

"Who's Dave?" she asked after a long silence.

Drawing as much drama as possible into my voice, I said, "'Tis not important. Princess Twilight Sparkle, it is time for me to tell you of the awesomeness that is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic."