I woke in the Everfree Forest. Why did I make camp there? It’s fucking dangerous shit, what with beasties and poisonous plants and stuff. The canopy was really thick, and stopped just about any sunlight coming through. Branches snaked along the leaves, like brown veins on green skin. There were no birds, or woodland sounds, just silence. Fucking creepy place. I looked beside me.
Fucking hydra head. There’s a fucking severed hydra head next to me. And behind it, eight more and a mutilated body. I did that?! I looked down at my hands. I was holding a sword that was completely coated in blood. Yep. Now I feel so hardcore.
I staggered to my feet, and pulled out my compass. I looked around for a bit, unfolding my map and looking up a few key points. “North West?” I muttered to myself. I folded it up again and shouldered my pack. Time to go.
The road was hot, boring, and boring. Nothing happened. It was just an hour of brushing leaves away and tripping on roots. A few times I think I saw wolves made of wood. Timberwolves or something. The canopy didn’t let in any sun, and it sure as heck didn’t let out any of the moisture. My shirt was pretty much soaked by the time I reached the exit, both from humidity and sweat.
Traveling sucks, sometimes. But other times it’s much worth it. The wonders, the exotic cultures, the food, the sights, the women... Shit. Did I actually write that? Never mind. Traveling isn’t for everyone. You need to be tough, enough to weather the hardships of the worse parts of the wild, and some of the things you’ll be forced to fight... ugh. I still remember the squid. Sweet Jesus the squid. My asshole will never feel the same.
But squids aside, some of the women are quite exotic. I had a Naga once. Quite strange. Scaly, if anything. Cats are exceptionally wonderful, but only if you’re on top. Dogs are just a bit lower than the cats, though I wouldn’t pass off the chance if I had it. The Kobolds of the north are meh, like fifty fifty. Changelings are weird as fuck. Not that I’d say no, though... Wow, now this has turned into a sex guide. Moving on.
And it wasn’t always me coming out on top. I remember there was one time when a dragon stopped me from passing through his valley. I explained that I was just traveling, but he attacked me anyway. I was defeated after a struggle, and he ate me. ATE ME. I had to cut through his stomach wall to get out. It was fun watching the acid eat him from the inside out, though. A bit messy, but that was for eating me. Not one eats the Nevermore.
My thought trail ended when the actual trail ended. Light kissed my face and I took in a deep breath. Man, not-Everfree-Forest-air tastes better than a virgin. Um, not that I know what a virgin tastes like... Yeah, of course not. I mean. Never mind.
Point is, it felt good to be free. Ah, freedom. And I think I’m a bit sex deprived. Two years is definitely too long for someone used to sex often. And I was so on edge every night, I haven’t even done manual. I am aching for sex. Hopefully ponies have hookers. Not likely, considering what I know about them, but you never know.
But the sheer existence of such a peaceful and idyllic nation was... shocking. A land without war? Without political dissent? Amazing. I might actually think about settling down here and... getting hitched? No, these were horses. Colorful horses, but horses never less. I’m not going to marry anything that’s not human. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m alone in this world... Fuck, that’s depressing. Time to get myself in a funny mood!
Fuck! Why did I slap myself to get myself into a funny mood?!
I stood there, at the forest’s edge, for about five minutes, just soaking in the sun’s rays and breathing in the sweet open air. I sighed, stretching, and scanned my surroundings. The forest behind me. Some sort of tree farm at a distance. And there it was, Ponyville. Gleaming in the afternoon sun. I could see tiny dots of color, milling around. Man, it’s good to be back in civilization. You have no idea what living with the wildest kinds of nature can do to you after a few months. Boars looking sexy and crazy shit like that.
I sheathed my machete and checked my supplies. All the tools are in check. My crossbow’s fine. Flint is good. My bits are cool. Yep. Time to rock the town. I slung my pack and started towards the town. I felt good. I am good. I’m perfect, and Ponyville won’t know what hit them.
Before I knew it, I was nearing the outskirts of town. By now the ponies were about as big as I’d expect them to be. Then shit hit the fan. One of them saw me and screamed “MONSTER!” before bolting. Go figure. So much for a perfect utopian society. It reminded me of the first time I visited a foreign city that wasn’t for humanoids. Deerfolk, I think. Fuck, they cast me out. How about that?
I continued to walk down the now deserted streets, as ponies scattered before me. I was tempted to throw up my hands and cackle maniacally, while saying “YES! RUN BEFORE ME, YOU FOOLISH MORTALS”, but it wasn’t worth it. I sighed as I stared at the doors being slammed shut. Am I truly that different? Is it really necessary to run that way? I pondered these questions as I made for the town center. If anyone could help me, the mayor could.
The town hall was a large, circular building that was styled quite peculiarly. It was like the rest of the Ponyville architecture, but I haven’t seen that particular style anyplace else. It looked... rural, yes urban at the same time, if that makes any sense. It’s like the country squashed in with a bit of your suburban neighborhood.
There was a hissing sound and I turned instinctively, catching a streaking hoof firmly in my hand. I twisted, bringing the cyan pegasus attached with it, and set her down gently on the ground. She growled and struck again, but I parried easily and set her down once again. She flew backwards, and cried out. “Twilight!” A purple unicorn stepped up confidently, before her eyes widened in panic and she squeezed her eyes shut, pouring her effort into... something.
“If you’re trying magic, don’t bother. I’m immune.” She looked up in surprise, and so did the others.
“It’s sentient?” She asked, amazed. “...And it speaks Equestrian?!” Seriously, did ponies think that they were the only things with a great enough brain capacity? I mean, they treat anything that’s bigger than they are as a monster. I’ve heard of this zebra shaman living at the edge of the Everfree, and until recently she was treated like a witch or something.
“I’m a he, and yes, I speak Equestrian, as well as eleven different languages.” I sighed. “Honestly, you ponies think that the world revolves around you.” They blushed, except for the cyan one.
“I’m so sorry, I’ve heard reports of a monster and I just assumed that...” The purple one blustered. “I’m so, so sorry!”
“It’s fine. However, you ponies do need to work on interracial acceptance.” I said, in a very teacher-y sort of tone. “After all, I’m just a weary traveler looking to settle down for a while. Can’t you spare someone that?” I love mind games. Especially on simple creatures. I’m not calling ponies stupid, but they sure as heck are unsuspecting.
“You’re a traveler? Been to faraway places with many tales to tell?” Purple asked, perking up. “You must tell me all about them! Oh and, um, my name is Twilight Sparkle.” They introduced themselves in order. White is Rarity, Pink is... Pinkie. Go figure. Orange is Applejack, Cyan is Rainbow Dash, and Yellow is Fluttershy.
“But first, I need a place to stay. Any inns, taverns, hotels, or the sort?” I asked, pulling out my bit purse. “I can pay for it.”
“Oh, no! You’re one of the first non-pony visitors Ponyville has ever received! We couldn’t tell you to pay!” She looked horrified at the prospect. Man, I could get used to this. “You can stay at my place, in the library. It’s not much, but it’s better than what most of the inns can offer in this town.” Huh. Chick lives in a library. Nerdy, but cool. I can respect a properly educated woman.
“Ponyville is a small town, quiet and peaceful most days, except for Everfree incidents.” Everfree incidents?
“Monster attacks?” I hazarded a guess. “Maybe manticores? And hydras?”
“Exactly. Creatures from the Everfree often spill over into our side of the world that’s when we have to either send the creature back, or do damage control until the Princess gets here.” She explained, trotting along the streets. “But aside from that, Ponyville is quite a quiet place to live in. Why I stay here with my friends, actually. As the Elements of Harmony, they could easily have relocated to Canterlot and lived off the Crown like I do.”
“Ah, yes. I’ve heard of the Elements. Strongest magic around, except maybe that chaos magic that fellow Discord has.” I said. “Am I right?”
She smiled humbly. “Well, the Elements are powerful, but I’m sure there could be stronger magics elsewhere...” Then she looked up at me, and she coughed uncomfortably. “I was actually wondering if I could, You know, conduct some tests on you? I mean, I know you’ve just arrived, but perhaps later I could investigate your abilities, Mr...?” Her mouth dropped open when she realized she had never asked for my name.
“Nevermore.” I said. “My friends call me Nevermore.” If I had friends to begin with. Traveling is a lonely business. You should never establish long lasting relationships as a traveler. All you get are heartbreaks and sadness.
We stopped in front of a giant tree. “We’re here!” Seriously? A tree that’s a library? The irony is so strong, I’d be a man of steel when this is over. Twilight’s horn glowed, and I knew I was looking at the famous magic of Equestria. I’ve seen dragon magic at work, but this was different. Dragon magic is learnt, passed on through bloodline and unlocked from constant practice. Unicorn magic is habitual, an everyday occurrence. Watching them take such as amazing thing for granted was disturbing, but whatever floats their boat.
“So. A tree.” I commented, stepping into the large treehouse-library. “Now what, a pet dragon?”
She had a pet dragon. “You have a pet dragon?!” I asked, shocked.
“Assistant.” She said, irritably. “Everypony makes that mistake.” Then she stopped, and sighed. “Sorry, it’s just that everypony thinks that Spike is a pet. He’s more like a little brother.” Spike grinned and waved.
“So... sentient? Can he do magic?” I asked. Twilight looked startled.
“Magic? Well, I guess he can magically deliver messages, but other than that...” She shrugged.
“Magic flame. Latent magic skill of all sentients.” I said, recalling my trip to Draconia. “Idiots have regular fire.”
“You mean... dragons have different classes?!” Twilight practically glowed with excitement. “Spike, fetch me some paper, ink, and a quill, please.” I sighed. and sat down.
“Do you want me to start from the beginning? The beginning of my travels, I mean?” I asked, wearily. Fucking scholars. But it would be nice to go down in Pony history, too. I’m already known in a multitude of cultures, might as well chalk down another one. Twilight nodded eagerly, and I sighed. “Okay. But sit tight, and grab something to eat. It’s going to be a long story.” She did, and I began my tale.
“My adventures began about two years ago, in the swamps of the eastern Naga lands. They’re a fascinating bunch, the Naga. They live in tribes, but the tribes unite under the banner of the mighty Glenhis Khan. Great big warlord, one of the best generals I’ve seen. They are honorable warriors, but will stoop to moral lows if it means winning or losing. They have ritual to ask the gods for forgiveness if a war is won through ‘trickery and false combat’.”
“But that’s besides the point. I woke up with only fragmentary memories of my old home. I remember thousands, no, millions like me. I remember a world where technology reigned, and magic and the lot took the sidelines. I remember a war-torn world, broken, but slowly edging towards peace. I remember a home, a warm bed, a welcoming family...” I started sniffling, and Twilight moved in to comfort me. I managed to control myself before I was overrun with emotions.
“After overcoming my initial confusion, I was taken in by a local Naga tribe. The Bloodclaw tribe. Their ways were fair, the people were welcoming, and the women... never mind. But I was brought in, and after helping them win a few key battles, they accepted me into the tribe. Life was good, for a while. But I am a nomad at heart, so I craved a nomad’s life.”
“So I left the tribe, in search of tales of conquest and glory. I think the Naga are rubbing off on me. The next place I went to was the golden city of Catopolis. It was the base of a mighty civilization, with a chariot force like no other. But its religion was what set it apart from others. While I’ve seen signs of religion, such as local gods and the like, I have yet to see another national religion with a full pantheon yet. The cats of Egypt remind me of another civilization back home, also from a land called Egypt. Strange, really.”
“By some freakish chance I look like one of their war gods, and it took me a week to convince them that I was mortal, just like them. I had to singlehandedly take on the entire invading Ram army, and when they finally managed to breach my skin, I nearly cried with joy. Now they think I am a demigod who’s father is the ultimate warrior. I helped them repel their enemies, and I was given a taste of Egyptian life. It was cool, but soon I was on my feet once again.”
“Then I went to the underground empire of the Dogs. The Canid Imperium is a sight to behold. Miles upon miles upon miles of tunnels and chambers, with a bustling population at least twice the size of the cat’s. The Canids are, again, quite similar to another civilization that was once in power back home, called the Roman Empire. Both boasted large cities, a strong military, a stable economy, and an Emperor to boot. However, their methods for warfare were weak at best, so I decided to play military advisor for a few months.”
“I left them with one of the most deadly armies the world has ever seen, skilled at both open and guerrilla warfare. Their soldiers equip themselves with the best armor they could get, and they have the best technology I could offer them without tipping the balance in the world. Last I heard, they have already wiped out or assimilated all surrounding dog factions. Canid Imperium reigns supreme.”
At this point Twilight had to take a toilet break, so I stood up, stretched, and looked around the library. It wasn’t big, but it would do. I grabbed a promising looking book, named ‘a Detailed History of Equestria’, and gave it a read. It was interesting stuff, although I saw many logic flaws. Propaganda, no doubt. Trouble in utopia? I made sure to visit the Princesses in the future, at least to see the ponies that haul the sun and moon around, if anything. “You back? Ready for more? Alright, let’s go.”
“But the high point of my story must be from my time in Draconia. Dragons are fascinating, even to an outsider to me. I trust that you’ll want to know more about the creatures. So, there are three castes of dragons: The idiots, the magics, and the elders. The idiots are basically wild dragons. They’ve gone feral, and now they’re just animals. Really big, really powerful animals. But more or less on equal footing with hydras and other large creatures. These have lives longer than most things, but woefully short compared to other types of dragons. The only remarkable thing they can do is spit fire.”
“Magics are the next class of dragons. These are sentient, and very long lived. They can also do limited amounts of magic, such as hoard growth, messenger fires, and other neat tricks. Spike here is a magic. They grow at a much slower rate, and can take thousands of years to fully mature. I don’t think Spike will grow into much more than a teenager in your life time. Unless we use blood magic, which is dangerous and illegal. There’s also a large, fully matured magic living in the Everfree near Ponyville, I think it’s about to pass into the third stage.”
“Speaking of which, there are the elders. These are by far the most powerful beings to ever exist, perhaps even on par with the princesses. Their control over magic is great, and their source of raw energy unrivaled by anything on the planet, save the Elements and potentially Discord. Elders come into being when magics get to the age of exactly five thousand years. They are subjected to a number of tests, and if they pass, they become elders. If they don’t, they remain magics for the rest of their long, but not infinite, lives. Elders are... terrifying. I got to fight one, in an honorable one on one duel. It... ended badly. They had three magics working on healing me for two days straight afterwards. And they are eternal. They can never die from old age, but they are vulnerable to weapons, like the other dragon breeds. The oldest elder still alive is Goldenglow, living somewhere north in the Griffon lands. It remembers back since before Discord ever existed, apparently.”
“I was forced into what they called a Trial by Fire, where I basically have to fight every dragon in a selected roost. A roost, by the way, is an area about the size of a country. So, I got to fight about eighteen dragons. ten idiots, seven magics, and one elder. I got past everything until the elder. The point of the Trial by Fire is to see if the visitor is worthy enough to meet the leader of the roost, most often the elder. I was deemed worthy, and got to spend a week with the oldest dragon in Equestria.”
“Oh, and the Kobolds. They are the rat men of the northern wastes, eking out an existence in the frozen tundras. They’re a pitiful, but down to earth race, and gladly welcomed a visitor like me. In some sense, I respected them the most. Their homes, even the rat king’s, were simple and often slightly rundown. They often ran out of food, and sickness was common there. I offered them all my food and medication, but they refused. But in the end I helped supply a few families with food I caught, mostly bear and elk. Their bodies were battered, but their souls stayed strong. It was a heartwarming sight.”
“They caught a plague. I had to try and heal them, at least take care of them until their healer recovered. It was bad. Really bad. I tried, but... only a handful made it through. They didn’t blame me though. They realized that I tried my best. I packed my things and was gone by sunrise.”
I sighed as my tale came to an end. “And then I started on to Equestria.” I shrugged. Fuck that was a long story. I looked at my hip flask, and almost choked. Oh, shit. I almost downed my entire supply of alcohol. Shit. I also omitted to write down the more explicit bits I said. Of course, I made sure that Twilight was a legal adult before launching into the stranger parts.
“That’s... quite an interesting tale you have.” She said, finishing up what she was writing. “Now I... Sweet Celestia! Look at the time!” I did, and saw that it was well past midnight. I figured I should clean off and finally have some decent sleep.
“So, uh... I guess I should unpack and clean myself? I mean, the wild isn’t exactly hygienic...” I asked. “Where’s the bathroom?”
She pointed at a room and I shuffled over, cracking a few joints in the process. Cracking as in making the sound. Not, you know, actually cracking. That would fucking hurt. I stepped into the shower and sighed as warm water flowed over me. Damn. Warm water feels good.
I began thinking. What was the point of my quest around the world? Fame? Riches? If I wanted fame, I could have stayed in the Naga tribe. I was a demon there, untouchable and deadly. They would, eventually, see me as some sort of otherworldly power. I am powerful enough to be one. Again, I had all the loot I could ever want back at the tribe. I racked up kill streaks like no other, and the spoils go to the victor. I had piles of gold in my hut. I asked the warriors to split it up amongst their families, but I think they still hope that I would return. Perhaps. Their women were awesome.
Maybe it was the women. I’m a dude. What dude wouldn’t want exotic women to dig into? But... that’s not it either. I really hope not, at least. I’m not that fucked up, right? ...Yeah, don’t answer that. But no, I don’t think it’s the women.
What am I looking for?
Why am I in this world?
Why am I alone?
Who am I?