"Pilot!" Zee Captain suddenly said, releasing his half of the branch as he did so.
Amazingly, Pilot actually acted as if the stick that they were carrying was a full-fledged battering ram and feigned being pulled down by the "sudden increase in weight."
The plane-loving psycho then stood up straight and saluted smartly, answering, "What is it, Captain?"
"Mr. Snippy and the Purple Pony were right; we were being silly."
"We were?"
Pilot looked unsure.
"Yes. We had no need to try and use this massive battling ram to smash down the gates of this ripe-for-plunder city, all I ever needed...was my mug."
Pilot nodded and produced the Captain's trademark ceramic cup from his coat and handed it over.
Zee Captain looked up, rather menacingly, toward the curious ponies above him and brandished his drinking utensil in a threatening gesture.
"You will open the gates to this city and give me all of your virgins or, so help me, this mug will be the death of you! I swear it!"
I sat off to the other side of the road after giving up trying to convince the Captain that using the still-green twig as a battering ram wasn't going to work. This was about an hour ago.
My interested piqued at the Captain's threat of using the mug.
That evil cup had actually functioned as an effective weapon for the Captain on more than one occasion.
The ponies above, however, only chuckled.
"They laugh? Well then."
I got up and stood next to the Captain, while Pilot begrudgingly moved out of the way and sat cross-legged on the grass near us.
"Uh, Captain? Are you sure you want to do that?"
His only response was the hurl the cup's contents onto the gate.
Don't ask me how it was filled after begin in Pilot's jacket the entire day; I ask myself how that mug is always filled at least three times a day.
As the dark liquid dripped down the doors and the Captain stood, waiting patiently, I gave an amused snort and placed my hand on the Captain's shoulder.
I was about to apologize mockingly for his unbecoming failure when I was interrupted by the sound of flames igniting.
To my surprise, when I looked back at the gates to the city, I saw flames.
Wherever the liquid had touched, hot flames now licked away at the solid wooden gates.
"Captain, what was in that cup?"
"You may want to dig in your heels."
"What? Why? Oh shit, not aga-"
And I was suddenly several feel away while the Captain stood, completely unaffected by any and all force and shrapnel.
And his cup was still full. Or he was just drinking nothing out of it. Whatever.
"Huh? Wha-?" The un-predicted explosion had awoken the scientist, who, as soon as he saw the flames, turned away began to cower in a fetal position.
I shook my head and stood up.
Obviously, the ponies had been just as surprised as I was, but they managed got a few guards down to the courtyard.
Pilot emerged from the bushes and brandished his katana at the armed aliens.
Those two were actually going to pick a fight with these small horse-things.
I stood up and ran to the Captain's side. After grabbing for my rifle, which should have been strapped to my bag, and discovering its absence, I turned to the Captain.
"Where the hell is my rifle??"
Instead of answering, with a flash of metal, Zee Captain produced a small, beat-up trowl.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me."
"Charge!"
Holding his mug out in front of him, the insane bastard charged forward, Pilot close behind him. I groaned and followed.
This entire time, another, unseen alien waited, far down the hill, off the side of the path, and in the trees. From his broken gas mask seeped forth a never-ending trail of pink, heart-shaped blots of smoke.
He watched with his binoculars, but dropped in and gasped as soon as he saw his victim and his friends run into battle.
The fuzzy boots would have to wait for now, Zee Captain was in danger!
I grit my teeth and brought the pathetic trowel down into a clang with the head of a guard's spear. After a shoving match, I finally managed to twirl the spear out of his grasp and knock him out with a boot to the head.
I looked up to meet my next challenger but met nothing. Surprised, I turned around.
The Captain stood triumphantly, surrounded by a ring of white-colored guards all of which were on the floor, grasping their steaming faces and groaning in pain.
"Now don't make me bring out the cake..."
Stalky the Stalker stopped himself just in time and jumped into the bushes before he could be seen. How silly was he to think that the Captain couldn't handle himself? Pah.
"I hereby claim this city as the new capital of "Captania!"
"Oh boy."
"And who are you to do this?" The tallest horse of them all spoke, still standing on the battlements above the shattered door.
"I thought I already told you? I'm the Supreme Ruler of the Universe!"
"No he's not!" I called.
"Shut up."
"No."
"I will mug you."
I shut up.
The remaining ponies spoke amongst themselves for a while in hushed tones while Alexander crept into the coutyard.
"What'd I miss?"
"Oh, only my utter domination of The City of Canterlot!"
The ponies froze. Slowly, the second-to-tallest turned away from the group and looked at the Captain.
"You...you know this place?"
"Why yes!"
"Then...then you know who we all are?"
"Of course! You're Princess Luna, you're Princess Celestia, you're Princess Twilight, these are your royal guards whom I just dominated on every conceivable level, and I don't know where your scientist pony went, but his name is Quick Quill.
They all gaped.
"I'm a big fan!"
A few moments of silence passed before "Princess Luna" spoke again.
"But...if you're such a...'Big Fan...' then why are you attacking us?"
The Captain's hand immediately flew to his chin where he stroked an imaginary beard.
"You know...I don't know! I am Zee Captain; pleased to meet your acquaintance!"