//------------------------------// // In Which This Story Ends // Story: Blueblood's Big Bad Bloody Brilliant Brouhaha // by Ri2 //------------------------------// A little later… Prince Blueblood, encased in a full-body cast, hooked up to several beeping monitors and dozens of different bags of fluid and pumped so full of painkillers that he couldn’t remember what his extremities or tongue felt like, was feeling thoroughly sorry for himself, which was somewhat understandable given the day he’d had. Several ponies had already come in to visit him, most of them taking advantage of his current state to tell him how much they absolutely hated him without fear of retribution or to point and laugh or to write rude and derogatory statements and draw crude images all over his cast. When his Aunts and Uncle Discord barged into the hospital room, the latter carrying several balloons with ‘Get Well Soon,’ written on them, his already dismal mood sank even further, certain he was about to get another ‘Oh Blueblood’ and a lecture from Aunt Celestia about how she had such high hopes for him and just knew he could do better if he really tried and stopped being such a complete and utter disappointment and sorry excuse for an equine being. (Not that she’d say so in so many words, of course, but he was pretty sure it was implied.) So imagine his surprise when Celestia, a smile as bright and beaming as the Sun she controlled, proclaimed, “I’m so proud of you, Blueblood!” “Huh?” said Blueblood. Well, actually, his jaw was wired shut and his snout covered in plaster as well, but if he could have emitted anything other than an incoherent grunt, it would probably have been a ‘Huh?’ “I always knew you could do great things, but I never expected you to help thwart an alien invasion!” Celestia said excitedly. “Actually, the reports from Rarity and the Doctor say that they did all the work while he ran around screaming his head off,” said Luna, who clearly didn’t want to be there. “Yes, but he destroyed the Nestene Consciousness!” said Celestia. “Completely by accident,” Luna said. “Oh, hush Luna, he still destroyed it! And besides, my expectations for him have gotten so low at this point I’m willing to consider it a major triumph on his part,” Celestia whispered the last part so Blueblood hopefully wouldn’t hear it. Out loud, she said, “You’ll be happy to know I’ve already commissioned construction of a new stained glass window detailing your heroic actions!” “It’s going to be put in a lavatory, since we don’t have room anywhere else at the moment,” Discord said. Luna kicked him. The Princess of the Sun then leaned down and nuzzled her nephew affectionately, not that he could feel it through his cast. “Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me, nephew! I think this could be the start of a new beginning for you! After you get out of that cast and receive your clean bill of health, we’ll hold an awards ceremony to commemorate your accidental heroism!” “It’ll be very small, and nopony’s going to come because everypony hates you and knows this was a complete fluke and more qualified individuals did the real work and will be properly rewarded for it with their own ceremony and stained glass window that’s not going to be in a lavatory, so politically speaking it would be a terrible idea for Celestia to make a big deal out of yours since it’ll look like nepotism and she’d be ignoring the fact that the only reason you were there in the first place was, apparently, to throw a pie in Rarity’s face,” Discord said. Luna kicked him. “Now, Discord, we both know that that was an Auton assassin,” Celestia said brightly, though of course both of them knew the opposite was the case. “And that Prince Blueblood was at Carousel Boutique requesting a dress for his wife—which, you’ll be happy to know, is coming along quite nicely—and even if he had tried to throw a pie at Rarity, which he didn’t,” Celestia said, glaring at Blueblood and causing him to gulp. “It’s not exactly a capital offense, last time I checked, otherwise you’d be back in stone.” “…Fair point,” Discord admitted. “So you aren’t going to punish him for it at all?” “How can I punish him for something he didn’t do?” Celestia said, her smile a little too wide. “And even if he did do it—which he didn’t—I’d say that being blown up along with an alien monster and certainly not getting beaten to a pulp by self-righteous Guards who felt they were doing their duty by attacking a monster threatening their Princess and her friends who, coincidentally, our dear Prince Blueblood may or may not have caused serious grief or psychological trauma to in the past, and being thrown—I’m sorry, tripped—into a very deep hole are punishment enough for one day, don’t you think? Not that he did anything worth being punished for, of course. Or that any of that happened to him, aside from the exploding alien part.” Discord considered this for a moment, and then grinned craftily at Blueblood, who was sweating and trembling in his cast. “Well, when you put it that way…I suppose, if he had done something wrong, which he didn’t, this would probably be punishment enough for now.” “I’m glad you see it my way,” Celestia said cheerfully. She turned back to Blueblood and kissed him on the brow. “Rest well, sweet prince. Once you’re all better we can talk about how you’ve turned over a new leaf and will take advantage of this new opportunity fate has offered you to become better than the pony you’ve been so far.” Her smile not changing in the slightest, she added, “And, of course, if you were to squander this opportunity and try to throw pies in pony’s faces again or give them dress orders intended to ruin their lives, I think you’ll find there are a lot worse fates one can suffer than being blown up along with an alien monster, not getting beaten to a pulp by self-righteous Guards who felt they were doing their duty by attacking a monster threatening their Princess and her friends who, coincidentally, you may or may not have caused serious grief or psychological trauma to in the past, and being thrown—I’m sorry, tripped—into a very deep hole. I have been extremely lenient with you for these last few years of your life, but even my patience has its limits, if you catch my drift.” “I think she means that if you try to do something stupid and vengeful again, she’ll do something horrible to you,” Discord whispered extremely loudly into the terrified Blueblood’s ear as the prince’s heartbeat spiked on one of the monitors. “That’s not what I said at all,” Celestia said, which was, strictly speaking, true, while at the same time was also a bald-faced lie. “Just wanted him to get it into his head. He’s not good at subtlety,” Discord said. “He has a point,” Luna said. Celestia rolled her eyes and smiled beatifically at Blueblood, who was rather happy he had a catheter at that moment. “We’ll let you rest now. You’ve had a very long day. And remember, Blueblood, I am proud of you, and I love you. I always will.” “Then again, she also loves Luna and myself, yet she booted Luna up to the Moon for a thousand years and turned me to stone,” Discord said nonchalantly. Luna kicked him. The three immortals departed, leaving the balloons tied to one of the bedposts. Blueblood contemplated what had just happened. On the one hoof, he’d apparently gotten off scot-free from his attempt at revenge. On the other hoof, his Aunt would apparently not be so lenient if he tried again. And on another hoof…Auntie said she was proud of him. And he’d actually done something for her to be proud of for a change, even if it was a complete accident. He felt something, deep inside him… His stomach rumbled, and he realized it must have been hunger. After all, he hadn’t had anything to eat at all today, and he didn’t think these parental bags and IV feeds were cutting it. While he was lamenting his decision not to buy anything to eat while he had been in Ponyville—granted, he wasn’t sure he wanted any of their diseased peasant food in his mouth. They probably spat in it to give it flavor or something—one of the balloons swiveled around and sprouted a pair of black cartoony eyes and a snaggletoothed grin. “Hey, nephew, how you feeling?” Blueblood screamed. Or rather, he would have, if his jaws weren’t wired shut, so he settled for a terrified grunt. The balloon chuckled as the other balloons swirled through the air and knotted together behind it, their shapes stretching and twisting outwards to create a form that looked vaguely like an inflatable version of Discord. “Awww, you didn’t like that trick?” Discord asked with a pout. “Funny, the other kids I visit at the hospital always get a kick out of it…anyway, I think we need to have a talk, you and I. Or rather, I’ll talk, and you’ll listen, since your mouth’s wired shut right now.” The balloon Discord drifted across the bed and wrapped a latex arm around Blueblood’s shoulders. “Now, let’s see, how does this part go again? Oh, right…PRINCE BLUEBLOOD, YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR…for…uh…hmm. How many times have you failed now? Not just in this whole revenge thing, but life in general? Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin to count…oh well, the point is, you failed in our revenge scheme. Don’t worry, I’m not angry at you,” he said when he noticed Blueblood was sweating and his eyes were shaking with fear. “I never really thought you’d get it right anyway.” “You didn’t?” Blueblood asked in surprise, or would have, if his jaw weren’t wired shut, so just made a muffled noise that was the equivalent. “No, I didn’t,” said Discord, who naturally understood his grunts perfectly. “I mean, come on, seriously? You’re like the most unreliable pony in Equestria, as well as one of the stupidest. I mean, really? Throwing an apple pie? You plotted for years and that’s the best you could come up with? Geez. I’m ashamed to even be related to you. Even though I’m not, technically. Heck, I’m sure Celestia’s ashamed too, but she’s far too nice to say it to your face. I’m not, though, so I’ll say it again: I’m ashamed to even be related to you. You know, I like the sound of that! I’m ashamed to even be related to you. I’m ashamed to even be related to you. I’m ashamed to even be related to you. Hmm, I wonder if I can get a dance remix out of that…” “But…but if you didn’t think I could do it, then why…” Blueblood said, or would have said, if his jaw weren’t oh you get the idea. “Why would I send you out there with a scheme of my own if I never thought you could do it? Because I figured it would be hilarious seeing how badly you screwed it up. And I was right! It was hilarious! Ha, and even funnier because that wife of yours was there! I’m fairly sure you would have bucked it up anyway even if she hadn’t been there, but her presence absolutely ensured your failure in a comedically painful fashion! Wasn’t expecting the aliens, though, but that was a fun bonus,” Discord said. “By the way, did you know that Crackle’s not actually a princess, she’s just some dragon Celestia found rooting around her garbage? She just told everyone Crackle was a princess to try and liven up the castle a bit by watching all those stuck-up nobles fall over themselves trying to win that gasbag’s favor and see if they were smart enough to figure out they were being played. She certainly didn’t expect you to try marrying that thing. What was that about, anyway? Did you think you could become a shoe-in for King of the Dragons or something if you married her? Or did you actually fall in love with her? Eh, whatever, I’m pretty sure it’s too late for a divorce now, since you’d be humiliating yourself and Celestia if you admitted you married the dragon equivalent of a hillbilly.” Blueblood’s eyes widened in horror. No! It couldn’t be! Crackle was a princess of dragons, she had to be! Although…weren’t dragons notorious for being individualistic and anti-authority and there had not, in fact, even been a dragon nation for millennia until a few weeks ago, so there wasn’t anywhere Crackle could even have been princess of or a Dragon King for her to be the daughter of? How had he not noticed that?! (And for that matter, how had nopony else? The fact that few if any ponies had figured it out made Celestia feel like crying sometimes for the intellect of her citizens.) “Anyway,” Discord said as he pulled away from the hospitalized Unicorn, ignoring Blueblood’s horrified realization that he’d been sleeping next to (and with) a dragon that was as common as common could be, and perhaps moreso, since most commoners weren’t born from blood siblings and first cousins breeding with each other for hundreds of thousands of years. “Even though I never actually expected you to win, I’m still going to punish you for failing, because that’s apparently the sort of things villains do to their minions, and I’m most definitely a villain and am not faking this whole Evil League of Evil thing just so I can have an excuse to toy with the lives of other villains for my own amusement while still being reformed. And your punishment shall be…” Please be Trixie and Gilda making out, please be Trixie and Gilda making out, PLEASE BE TRIXIE AND GILDA MAKING OUT! Blueblood thought desperately. “The absolute worst thing you can think of!” Discord crowed triumphantly. “NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!” Blueblood screamed, or the equivalent thereof. “Yes! Exactly that!” the chaos god cried, raising his inflatable paw, chaotic energy gathering in it. He hurled the multicolored ball of energy at the prone and helpless Blueblood… Which turned into an apple pie and hit Blueblood in the face, splattering his body cast. “…Seriously? That’s the worst thing you can think of? Oh, Blueblood,” Discord said, shaking his head in disgust…and pausing when he noticed that the Prince appeared to have flatlined, if the long, drawn-out beep from the heart monitor was anything to go by. “Oh, come on, seriously? You have a heart attack from a pie to the face? You have some serious issues, stallion.” He rubbed his balloon hands together, static crackling between them. “Clear!” he shouted as he slammed them onto Blueblood’s chest. The Prince jerked in his bed, and the beep on the monitor broke up, his heart beating again, albeit a little erratically. “There, my work here is done,” Discord said proudly. He paused, then took out a marker and drew a picture of a cross-eyed Blueblood with stink lines emanating from his drooping horn and his tongue sticking out, the words, ‘Durrrr, I are a doo-doo head’ written in a speech bubble next to it on the cast. “A true masterpiece, if I do say so myself,” Discord said, signing his drawing with ‘Discord wuz not heer,’ ate the marker, and promptly popped himself, shreds of latex wafting around the room. Blueblood was alone once more. Some time later, Crackle wandered into the room and started eating the pie off of Blueblood’s face, and some of her husband’s face as well. The orderlies left her alone because conjugal visits were allowed, interpreting (or choosing to interpret) Blueblood’s muffled screams as cries of ecstasy for his beloved wife’s ministrations.