//------------------------------// // In Which Things Get Very Strange // Story: Blueblood's Big Bad Bloody Brilliant Brouhaha // by Ri2 //------------------------------// Later, at Carousel Boutique… “Just a little more…and…there, I do believe that’s all the measurements I’ll need, Fleur,” Rarity told her upper-class friend as she jotted down the last numbers on a scrap of paper and spirited it, her pencil, and her tape measure away with a wave of her horn. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think all those accusations of your being anorexic might have a grain of truth to them. I certainly have trouble maintaining a figure as fine as yours…especially with Pinkie Pie as one of my best friends…” “Did somepony say my name?” a certain wild-maned pink pony cried as she popped out from under the cushions of a nearby couch, startling its occupant, a handsome white stallion in a suit jacket with a blue mane and tail, a monocle, a triple crown Cutie Mark, and a very fine moustache that had won him numerous awards. “No, Pinkie, we don’t need you right now,” Rarity said with the long-suffering air of someone who had to deal with this sort of thing on a regular basis. “Awww, darn. Okay, I’ll come back later,” Pinkie Pie said, wiggling back between the cushions and disappearing. The seated Unicorn slowly put down the Hoofball magazine he’d been reading, took off and cleaned his monocle, then put it back on and raised the cushions off the couch in his magical field. There was no sign that the pink pony had ever been there. “How did she-“ “It’s Pinkie Pie, it’s not worth thinking about,” Rarity said wearily. Fleur Dis Lee gracefully stepped down from the dais she’d been standing on for the last few minutes while Rarity took her measurements, causally tossing back her pink mane with a practiced flick of her head and causing it to flow sensually down her neck as she maneuvered around one of the many ponnequins littering the ground floor of Rarity’s shop, each clad in one of her magnificent designs. As she often did, Rarity felt a twinge of envy for her supermodel friend. The white-coated purple-maned Unicorn was widely regarded as among the most beautiful ponies in Ponyville, but she couldn’t help feeling like that ugly pimple-faced filly with thick glasses and braces nopony wanted to associate with in high school in comparison. (You know, like Twist.) Rarity had to spend several minutes, if not hours every morning making herself look beautiful, and she still paled in comparison to the elegant white Unicorn mare whose slender form had been compared to Princess Celestia’s so often there were some who thought she might be an illegitimate daughter of the Alicorn of the Sun. (She wasn’t, she was actually the daughter of the Prench Ambassador and a painter, but that’s unimportant.) “Will zere be anyzing else you need from me, Rarity?” Rarity waved her off. “No, I think I have everything I need to start on your wedding dress…and may I once again say how flattered I am that you came to me of all ponies to help prepare for your big day?” Fleur smiled warmly. “Zere are many designers who would kill for a chance to make my wedding gown—and I’m not entirely certain zat’s ‘yperbole—but you are ze only one I can trust to make Fancy and I look absolutely perfect for our wedding.” “That, and you’re cheaper than most of the alternatives,” Fancypants commented, picking up his magazine again. “Fancy!” Fleur hissed, blushing. “What? She gives friends discounts,” the stallion pointed out. Fleur facehooved. Rarity chuckled good-naturedly. “I’m always happy to help a friend in need…especially a need as big as this! When I first heard the news about you and Fancy, I daresay I squealed louder than Sweetie Belle that one time she thought she got her Cutie Mark…except it wasn’t actually her Cutie Mark, but some tree sap. How she always winds up covered in that substance even when she’s nowhere near a tree is one of the great mysteries of Ponyville, like how Snowflake can fly with those tiny wings, or exactly how old Granny Smith is, or how Pinkie Pie does…everything, really.” “Can I come out now?” Rarity’s little sister Sweetie Belle, a white Unicorn with pastel purple and pink hair, asked from the corner she was sitting in, perking up at hearing her name. “Not now, Sweetie, it’s business hours, which means you need to sit right there and do absolutely nothing,” Rarity said. She paused, then added, “And try not to talk. Or breathe too loudly.” “Yes, Rarity,” Sweetie said unhappily “…Is she being punished for something?” asked the concerned Fancypants. “No, it’s just in everypony’s best interests that she stand in a corner and do absolutely nothing while I’m working,” Rarity said. “I just want to help!” Sweetie whined. “You are helping, darling,” Rarity said without looking at her sister. She smiled at her guests. “I do love Sweetie, but she can sometimes be a bit of a hooffull,” she said quietly, so Sweetie wouldn’t hear. “I’m sure you’ll know the feeling once the two of you have children, right?” The two Canterlot Unicorns blushed. “Ah. Yes. Children. We, er, talked about having some, didn’t we, Fleur?” Fancypants said nervously. “Yes,” Fleur said vaguely. “Someday.” “Not right now.” “When we’re ready.” “In a few years.” “Maybe longer.” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “I see.” “So, Rarity! Fancy and I are about to be ‘appily wed. When do you suppose we can ‘ear ze news about you and your friends and Princess Twilight getting married?” Fleur asked brightly asked. Rarity flinched. “Ah, well…the idea’s been bandied about, but-“ Before that awkward conversation could continue, the door slammed open and Prince Blueblood strode dramatically into the room, followed a second later by Crackle, who didn’t quite understand the point of doors and simply smashed through the wall next to it. Rarity screamed in horror. “MY WALL!” “It wasn’t me!...this time!” Sweetie Belle yelled, not daring to turn around. “Miss Rarity, I, Prince Blueblood, have deigned to visit this establishment to WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!” Prince Blueblood screamed when he saw Fancypants sitting on a couch nearby. “Oh, Bluey old chap! Good to see you!” Fancypants said as he set down his magazine, got up, and walked over to shake the prince’s hoof. “I certainly wasn’t expecting to see you here! I seem to recall you once saying that you’d never set hoof in this…let’s see, what was your exact wording? Oh yes, this ‘flea-ridden, inbred, uncultured, degenerate, poverty-stricken, dirt-covered, unwashed, uneducated, disgusting eyesore of a Podunk town that should be demolished to make way for a giant golden fire-breathing statue of myself as tall as Mount Canterlot, even if the alternative was being tortured for all eternity in the bowels of Tartarus or being forced to listen to Discord singing.’” Sensing that Rarity, Fleur, and a rather obese white cat sitting on a nearby pillow were all glaring at him (Sweetie was still staring at a wall), Blueblood laughed nervously and said, “Well, now, I don’t recall saying that…” “No, I’m pretty sure you did, I have a fairly good memory,” Fancypants said cheerfully. “Ahahahahaha…ANYWAY,” Blueblood said loudly, tugging at his collar. “What, ah, brings you and Fleur here? Oh, and hello, Fleur.” Fleur very pointedly walked past him without looking at him and smiled at Crackle, who was currently picking her nose with her prehensile tongue. “Crackle! So nice to see you again. Will you be free for tea zis Zursday?” Crackle farted very loudly and drooled on the floor. “Excellent! I’ll make sure zat your favorite blend will be ready in time, along wiz zose cakes you like so much!” Blueblood blinked. “Crackle has tea with Fleur?” “Yes, and some of her other marefriends. She’s quite popular among the upper crust, you know,” Fancypants said. “…No, I did not know,” Blueblood said, dumbfounded. How could anyone possibly want to spend time around…that? Fancypants nodded. “Oh yes, she’s made a name for herself as an art critic and a bit of a wit, and is able to predict with unfailing accuracy who’s going to win the next Wonderbolts Derby or other sporting event. She also looks very good in a hat, which as everyone knows is a prerequisite for hitting in with high society. And to answer your question, Fleur and I came to Rarity so she could take our measurements to design our wedding clothes.” He frowned in concern. “You are coming, right? We haven’t gotten your RSVP yet, and Fleur didn’t really want to invite you at all, but I told her we simply couldn’t have one of her best friends without her husband, it wouldn’t be seemly. Ponies would talk, after all.” “Yes,” Blueblood said with gritted teeth. “They would, at that.” “So, can we expect you at the wedding?” Fancypants asked brightly. Blueblood stared at the smiling Unicorn. Other than possibly Rarity, there was no pony he hated more in all of Equestria than Fancypants. How he longed to punch that smug bastard’s face in and break off his horn and ruin that winning smile and rip off his mustache so that he would know the pain of never being able to grow much facial hair beside a rather wispy pathetic excuse for a beard. “Sure thing.” “Excellent! I knew I could count on you,” Fancypants said happily, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Blueblood despised him with every fiber of his being. Alternatively, he was well aware, and enjoyed pushing Blueblood’s buttons, either option was a distinct possibility. “So,” Rarity said through clenched teeth. “Prince Blueblood. To what do I owe the rather dubious honor of your presence? And will you be paying for the hole your wife made in the wall…or the rug she tore up…or the curtains she ripped off…or the dresses she’s eating STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!” she screamed at the dim-witted dragon, who looked at her blankly and kept chewing on the incredibly expensive gown Rarity had been working on for Sapphire Shores that was due later that afternoon. “Oh, Fancy can cover the bill,” Blueblood said dismissively. “Wait, what?” Fancypants said. “Anyway, Miss Rarity, I’ve come here for an important request,” Blueblood said, ignoring Fancypants’s splutters of protest. His horn glowed, opening his saddlebag and levitating out the diagram Discord had given him. “You see, I need you to make-“ Without warning, a forked tongue shot out, snatched the paper out of the air, and dragged it down a certain dragon’s throat. Blueblood squealed shrilly. “NO! GIVE THAT BACK! I NEEDED THAT, YOU STUPID DRAGON!” he screamed, rushing over to Crackle, prying open her jaws, and sticking his head in her mouth to see if he could find the diagram before it was digested. Naturally, Crackle’s jaws slammed shut on her husband’s head, and she started flailing the screaming Unicorn prince about like a ragdoll before spitting him out, causing him to fly through the air and smash into one of the various mirrors scattered around the room, shattering it and imbedding pieces of glass in his coat. “Ow.” “That’s seven years bad luck!” Sweetie chirped helpfully. “Also, not my fault this time!” “I suppose I’m paying for that too, am I?” Fancypants said wearily. “Crackle! Zat was an absolutely ‘orrible thing to do!” Fleur chided the dragon, before leaning closer and saying, “Nice distance.” Crackle hiccupped, setting fire to a ponnequin, causing Rarity to scream and quickly put it out with a fire extinguisher before it could spread. “Also not my fault this time!” Sweetie yelled. “Are you all right, old boy?” Fancypants asked Blueblood in concern. “No,” Blueblood moaned. “…Right. Stupid question,” Fancypants said. After they’d removed the glass from Blueblood’s back and bandaged him up using one of the many medical kits Rarity kept on the premises in case of emergencies—Blueblood had refused to let them take him to the hospital, claiming he didn’t want any of his limbs amputated or leeches applied to his beautiful body, ignoring Rarity’s assertion that Ponyville Hospital was at least as good as Canterlot General and certainly as modern—Fancypants asked, “So, what was on that paper that was so important you stuck your head into the dragon’s mouth to get it back?” Blueblood’s mind raced. Without that diagram Discord had spent so much time on, his plan was shot. There was no way he could ruin Rarity’s reputation now. His thoughts went to his saddlebag, in which a second apple pie, which he’d purchased from a stand in the Ponyville marketplace—a far cry and a pale, pathetic imitation of the Bazaar in Canterlot, which he had only been able to tolerate by riding on Crackle’s back so he didn’t have to get too close to any of the rubes or their no-doubt diseased and shoddy wares--stallioned by an extremely intimidating masculine specimen with a red coat who Blueblood suspected had overcharged him while en route to the Boutique just in case Discord’s plan didn’t work. Perhaps he could salvage this. All he had to do was reach into his bag, pull out the pie, throw it in Rarity’s face, and laugh… No, wait! He had a sudden flash of brilliance. “Oh, uh, it was just my to-do list. I had some errands I needed to take care of. Fortunately, unless my memory is mistaken, there was only one item left on the list, which is the thing I came here to take care of!” Rarity raised a skeptical eyebrow. “And that might be?” Blueblood thrust a hoof at Crackle, who was currently licking Rarity’s cat and apparently completely oblivious to the feline’s hissing and shrieking and leaving bloody gashes in her face with its claws. Wow. That had to be one strong cat for her claws to pierce dragon scales. “I want you to make a dress for my wife that will make her look as beautiful as…as…as Princess Celestia for the next Summer Sun Celebration! And I’ll pay you your shop’s weight in gold if you succeed, and if you don’t, I’ll…uh…” He paused when he noticed that Fleur and Fancypants were looking at him very carefully, and realized it would probably not be a good idea to talk of threats in front of one of the most influential and respected ponies in Canterlot. One even, much to his frustration, more influential and respected than himself. “I’ll…be very disappointed…” he finished lamely. He suddenly wasn’t certain about this idea. Uncle Discord was going to be disappointed in him, and give him that infuriating look and say, “Oh, Blueblood,” as if he’d expected the Prince to fail, as if it was all he could be relied on to do, as if he wasn’t actually a pony but someone to be pitied and looked down on and mocked behind his back, and often right to his face. A surge of anger rushed through him. Maybe he should just throw the pie and be done with it. Intrigued and unaware of the dark thoughts going through Blueblood’s mind, Rarity trotted around Crackle, muttering to herself as she appraised the dragon, who stood there with a blank look on her face while wagging her tail hard enough to shake the building slightly each time it hit the floor. “Hmm…” “Can you do it, Rarity?” Fleur asked in concern. “Can you make mon ami…beautiful?” Ha! Not a chance! Blueblood thought gleefully. “Of course my sister can do it!” Sweetie said loyally, turning around to see what everyone was talking about. “She’s the best in the business! There’s nothing she can’t…do…” She stared at Crackle. Crackle stared back. Sweetie quietly turned back around to face the wall. “Can it be done, Miss Rarity?” asked a curious Fancypants. “Can you make dear Crackle a vision of loveliness that will have all of Canterlot talking? You have a bit of a reputation for doing the impossible, but this seems like a tall order even for you!” Rarity rubbed her chin in thought. “…Yes. Yes, I believe I can do it.” “WHAT?!” Blueblood screamed incredulously. “It will be an extremely difficult task…possibly the hardest in my career…but is it beyond my abilities? Hardly! I am Rarity! I exude fabulosity, and I cannot stand the thought of anyone, even a dragon, having to wallow in feelings of ugliness and inadequacy! So I shall take up this challenge, Prince Blueblood, oh yes, and with Celestia as my witness, I swear that I will make your wife the most beautiful dragon in all of Equestria!” Rarity cried dramatically, horn glowing as she opened a window so the wind could blow through her mane (though since there was still a large hole in the wall, that might not have been necessary) and turning a lamp so it shined directly on her. “Well said, Miss Rarity!” Fancypants said, applauding. Fleur nodded in agreement. “If anyone can do it, it is you, Rarity!” “Yeah, go Big Sis!” Sweetie Belle squeaked. “Oh, come on!” Blueblood yelled in exasperation. Horn glowing, he prepared to pull out his pie… When suddenly, the other wall next to the door burst apart as a screaming gray Pegasus with a blond mane, bubbles for a Cutie Mark, yellow crossed eyes, waving a war flail about smashed through it, followed by a brown Earth Pony stallion with an hourglass Cutie Mark and two female Unicorns, a pink young adult with a violet mane and jewel Cutie Mark, and a pale purple filly with a blond mane and no Cutie Mark. Blueblood screamed like a filly and jumped into the air, landing in Fleur’s forelegs. The supermodel unceremoniously dropped him to the floor. “I didn’t do it!” Sweetie cried. “I have a door, you know!” Rarity shrieked. “Quickly, girls! Destroy all of them! Don’t let even one survive!” the Earth Pony shouted as he launched himself at one of the ponnequins, knocking it to the ground, and startled wrestling with it, punching it in the face repeatedly. “Got it, Dad!” the young adult Unicorn said, horn glowing as she levitated several gemstones out of her saddlebags and flung them at the closest ponnequins, embedding them in their bodies. Her horn flashed again, and the gems exploded, ripping the ponnequins apart. “Hey Amethyst, whichever one of us kills the fewest has to do the dishes!” the filly quipped as she levitated a strange-looking metal stick with a glowing bulb at the end and pointed it at one ponnequin after another, the bulb emitting strange energy waves that caused the ponnequins to dissolve in a puddle of goo on the floor. “Ha, you’re on, Dinks!” the older Unicorn laughed as she floated several gemstones in a complex formation in front of her and fired a beam of light from her horn into one of the jewels, which refracted into more beams that pierced and reflected and refracted through other gems, creating dozens of lasers which shredded through the ponnequins, as well as a good chunk of the store. “Wh-what in Equestria is going on?!” Fancypants cried. “SAVE ME! SAVE YOUR PRINCE!” Blueblood shrieked, cowering behind Crackle, who just stood there with a stupid look on her face as the howling Pegasus swung her flail about, smashing and bashing the ponnequins around her to pieces. “I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVERYPONY ELSE IN THIS ROOM, SO IT IS YOUR DUTY TO THROW YOURSELVES AT THESE MADPONIES AND SACRIFICE YOURSELVES SO I CAN GET TO SAFETY!” “Oh, shut up,” Fleur growled in annoyance. “Whatever’s happening, I didn’t do it!” Sweetie yelled. “What…what are you doing?! STOP THIS AT ONCE! YOU’RE DESTROYING MY STORE, AND MY BEAUTIFUL DRESSES!” Rarity screamed, horn lighting up with a blinding flash of blue magic. The four intruders suddenly found themselves paralyzed and floating off the floor, suspended in a blue aura. The older Unicorn sighed and shot the Pegasus an annoyed look. “I thought you said there wouldn’t be anyone in at this time of day, Mom.” “Um…I don’t know what went wrong?” the Pegasus said sheepishly. “I would facehoof if I could move my forelimb right now,” the Unicorn said deadpan. “Oh…uh, hullo, Rarity, didn’t see you there. Who would have thought we’d run into you here…in your own shop…?” the Earth Pony stallion said nervously as Rarity stalked towards him, eye twitching, teeth grinding, and strands of her mane starting to pop out of place. “Doctor,” Rarity said through clenched teeth. “You and your family broke through a wall and destroyed several of my very expensive ponnequins, including the even more expensive dresses that many of them were wearing, as well as the other damage you did to my shop in your frenzied little…whatever that was,” the white Unicorn said, waving a hoof at her storefront. The stallion grimaced as he saw the extent of the damage he’d caused. The windows and mirrors were broken, the carpet and curtains were shredded and burnt, most of the cloth swatches and display dresses had been ripped apart, and of course there were a number of rather mutilated ponnequins lying around the floor in various states of disrepair. “In a few minutes, you’ve cost me thousands of bits, most of which cannot be covered by insurance.” “Fancypants can hoof the bill!” Blueblood shouted. “What?!” Fancypants yelled. “Now, I appreciate all the things you and your family have done for Equestria and Ponyville…” Rarity said. “What have they done for Equestria and Ponyville?” Blueblood asked in confusion. “Who are they, and why should I care?” “Are you daft, stallion? That’s the Doctor, his wife Derpy Hooves, and his daughters Amethyst Star and Ditzy Doo!” Fancypants said incredulously. “Doctor Who?” Blueblood asked. Amethyst Star, the older Unicorn mare, rolled her eyes. “Gee, never heard that one before.” “You know, the Doctor? Alien that only looks like a pony that travels around time and space with his companions in a magical blue box that’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside? Has saved the world and the universe several times?” Fancypants prompted. “Never heard of him,” Blueblood said. “There’s books about him and his adventures! Plays! Radio shows! Statues! He has several stained glass windows dedicated to him in the castle!” Fancypants yelled. “And very good likenesses of me, at that,” the Doctor said cheerfully, only to shut up when Rarity glared at him. “I don’t really pay attention to those because I’m not in any of them,” Blueblood said. Fancypants facehooved. “As I was saying…while I appreciate everything you and your family have done, Doctor…if you don’t have a very good explanation for destroying my store, and the bits necessary to fix it up, I’m going to personally drag you to the authorities for breaking and entering and destruction of property,” Rarity said with false sweetness, leaning in so close to the very nervous stallion that their noses were practically touching. “Well, uh, as it so happens, I actually do have a very good explanation for what we were doing here,” the Doctor said. “I’m listening,” Rarity said. “Autons,” Derpy, the Pegasus (not that I needed to tell you that), said. “Autons?” Rarity asked. “Autons,” Amethyst Star said. “What are Autons?” Fleur asked. “And is there any chance for a Cutie Mark in them?” Sweetie Belle asked hopefully. “No,” Dinky, the younger Unicorn, said. “Awwwww,” Sweetie said in disappointment. “Autons are a dangerous alien life-form. Plastic automatons animated by the Nestene Consciousness, disembodied gestalt intelligences. They infiltrate planets by disguising themselves as dummies, then killing and replacing figures in positions of power with plastic clones and build up armies so that they can take over, destroy the dominant species, and take the protein and plastic stores they need to survive,” the Doctor explained. “I don’t suppose one ‘as already replaced Prince Blueblood?” Fleur joked. “It would certainly explain a lot,” Fancypants agreed. “Hey! I’m right here, you know!” Blueblood said indignantly. “Yes, but we don’t care,” Fleur said. The prince ground his teeth and wondered if he should throw his pie at her instead. No, no, it was revenge against Rarity he wanted right now. Fleur and Fancypants could wait for another time. “…And you tore up my store because…?” Rarity asked. “Because all of your store’s ponnequins have been replaced by Autons, and we came to destroy them before they could replace you with one of their own and use your connections and store as a front to distribute their kind across Equestria and further their invasion plans,” the Doctor said. Rarity frowned and looked at the ponnequin parts littering the floor. They didn’t look like evil alien robots…but then again, changelings didn’t look like changelings when disguised as ponies, and she’d learned the hard way not to dismiss something as outlandish-sounding as that just because it sounded…outlandish. “This is ridiculous,” Blueblood snorted, getting out from behind Crackle and walking over to a mostly-intact ponnequin lying on the ground. He kicked it. Nothing happened. “You see?” he asked, turning around. “Harmless. This ‘Doctor’ is just a mad-“ He was interrupted when the ponnequin he’d just kicked suddenly lurched to its feet and wrapped its forelimbs around his neck. “AAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAHHHH!” “Sacre bleu! It’s alive!” Fleur gasped in horror. “And it’s not the only one!” Fancypants shouted in alarm as several of the other ponnequins came to life, staggering, lurching, or even dragging themselves across the floor towards the living ponies, depending on how badly the Doctor’s family had damaged them. “Told you,” Dinky said. “I don’t suppose you could let us down so we could-“ the Doctor started, only for Rarity to scream and reflexively fling him at the nearest Auton, knocking it back to the ground. “Okay, that works too.” “OUR COVER HAS BEEN COMPROMISED,” one of the ponnequins said, face splitting open to form a mouth. “TERMINATE ALL ORGANIC LIFE-FORMS AND INITIATE DOPPLEGANGER PROTOCOL.” “INITIATING TERMINATION MODE,” the other ponnequins said as their foreheads bulged outwards, forming horns that started glowing ominously. The glow lanced outwards, a couple dozen lethal laser beams arcing towards the horrified ponies… “Not so fast!” Until an array of gemstones floated into their paths, held in Amethyst Star’s magical field. The beams struck the gemstones, were refracted across their facets, bounced between each other, then shot right back at the Autons, piercing through several of them and knocking them back, smoking holes burned through their forms… Holes which started to fill back up, as the mangled and mutilated body parts of the broken ponnequins started to repair themselves. A couple that had been ripped in half even grew new halves to replace what they’d lost, doubling their number. “Are they supposed to do that?!” Rarity cried. “They’re made of plastic, they’re not easy to kill!” the Doctor said as he whipped out a metal stick similar to Dinky’s and pointed it at an Auton. There was a buzzing sound, and suddenly the robot started melting. “Well, unless you’re me, anyway.” “Or me,” Dinky said, levitating her stick in the air and firing energy beams from it that struck several Autons, causing them to twitch in agony and start dissolving as well. “My word! Those are some rather useful contraptions. Are they those fabled ‘sonic screwdrivers’ I’ve heard so much about?” Fancypants asked, impressed. “Yep! Well, mine’s sonic, hers is infrared,” the Doctor said, nodding at his daughter. “…’ow can a screwdriver be sonic?” asked a confused Fleur. “Or infrared, for zat matter?” “What, you’ve never been bored? Never had a long night, never had a lot of cabinets to put up, figured, ‘Hey, I bet this would be a lot easier if my screwdriver were more sonic! Or infrared?’” the Doctor asked as he liquefied another Auton. “Not really, no,” Fleur said. “I think it’s just you, dear,” Derpy said as she grabbed an Auton by the forelegs and ripped it in half, then smashed the two halves with her flail repeatedly until they splattered across the floor in piles of plastic that showed no signs of pulling themselves back together. “Huh. Oh well,” the Doctor said as he lashed out with his hind legs at an Auton coming up behind him, knocking its head off. The robot kept coming at him even without its head, until a couch suspended in a glittering blue magical field was brought down on it repeatedly. “I BRING YOU INTO MY HOME! I CLOTHE YOU IN SPLENDOR! AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!” Rarity screamed in fury as she smashed her couch on the Auton again and again. A group of Autons advanced on Opalescence the cat, figuring they might as well kill her too, to make sure there were no witnesses. The cat, who’d been sunbathing on her pillow up till that point, lazily opened one eye and looked balefully at the robots. Her claws flashed through the air. She yawned and closed her eyes, rolling over on her belly. There was a pause, and then the Autons fell to pieces. They did not reassemble themselves and rise again. “Do…do you think we should help, dear?” a disturbed Fancypants asked as he and Fleur stood on the sidelines, watching the fierce battle. “DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!” Sweetie Belle screamed as an Auton stumbled by with the young Unicorn on its back, hitting it on the head repeatedly with a solid brick of what looked like charcoal but was actually her attempt at making breakfast that morning. (It was juice. Best not to think about it.) Fleur stared as Amethyst Star drove more exploding gems into ponnequins, sending body parts flying. As Derpy tore Autons apart and smashed them with her flail and hooves with unparalleled savagery. As Dinky and her father melted robots with whatever was coming out of their screwdrivers. As Rarity used her couch as an assault weapon, and turned whatever was left of the fabric scattered around the room into ropes to trip or tie the Autons up to make it easier for the others to destroy them. As more and more body parts piled up around Opalescence, who seemed content to ignore everything going on around her unless an Auton got too close. “I…zink zey ‘ave everyzing well in ‘oof,” she said slowly. “WILL SOMEPONY HELP ME?!” Blueblood screamed as he ran past, an Auton still on his back. Crackle, who’d been standing there placidly the whole time, ignoring the lasers being fired into her thick scales or the Autons trying to beat her to death with their hooves, obligingly set her husband on fire. “THAT’S NOT HELPING!” Blueblood screamed. “Actually, I think the Auton is melting,” Fancypants observed as the robot on Blueblood’s back starting liquefying from the flames. “YES, ON ME! AND I’M ON FIRE!” Blueblood pointed out very loudly. Fleur grabbed the fire extinguisher Rarity had used earlier and sprayed him with it, quickly putting out the fire. “Okay, now I’m covered in foam. I suppose that’s an improvement,” the prince said sullenly, spitting out some foam. “Well, at least you’re still alive,” Fancypants said encouragingly. “And that Auton is dead.” “That’s true,” Blueblood said, perking up. “And I’m still handsome as ever!” Fancypants and Fleur stared at Blueblood uncertainly. Underneath the foam covering most of his body, a good deal of his coat and mane had been burnt off, there were burns on his face, his extremely expensive suit was in tatters, and there was a rather large lump of melted plastic fused to his back and sides. Tactfully, Fleur said, “Actually, you look completely ‘ideous.” “What? That’s preposterous! I’m Prince Blueblood, I can’t be ‘ideous! I mean, hideous!” Blueblood cried in horror. Fleur took out a hoof mirror and levitated it in front of the prince. He stared at the grotesque visage reflected back at him. He burst into tears. “Is it wrong zat I’m taking a perverse pleasure in zis?” Fleur muttered to her fiancé. “Probably,” Fancypants muttered back. “I can’t help feeling the same way, though. I feel terrible about it.” “I don’t,” Fleur said happily. While this little drama was going on, Crackle dealt with the Autons attacking her by either rolling over and flattening them beneath her bulk or eating them. With those robots defeated, the other ponies had an easy job destroying the last remaining Autons, and took a moment to catch their breath in the ruins of Rarity’s workroom, which was even worse off now than it was before, what with the puddles of molten plastic everywhere, the utterly destroyed fabrics and dresses, the scorch marks and burns where lasers had impacted the walls and floor, and lots of broken glass which Sweetie Belle was getting a little too close to. “My beautiful Boutique…it’s ruined!” Rarity sobbed, collapsing back on her couch. “Those horrible robots destroyed everything!” “Actually, didn’t you make that big hole in the wall over there when you threw a boudoir at an Auton and missed-“ Amethyst Star started. “Those horrible robots destroyed everything!” Rarity repeated very loudly. “Don’t worry, Fancypants is good for it,” Blueblood said quickly. “Dash it all, Blueblood!” Fancypants snapped. “What does Rainbow Dash have to do with anything?” Sweetie Belle asked innocently. “Nozing, dear, it’s just an expression,” Fleur said. “Oh, okay,” Sweetie said, not understanding in the slightest and going back to looking at how pretty the glass on the ground was with the light refracting through it. “Well, at least it’s all over,” Blueblood said in relief. Once more, his thoughts went to the pie still in his saddlebags. Rarity was in the throes of abject despair. Giving her one more thing to be upset about right now would be incredibly cruel. Grinning sinisterly, his horn glowed… Until the Doctor said, “Actually, I’m afraid we aren’t through yet.” “We aren’t?” Blueblood asked in dismay. “We aren’t?!” Rarity asked, distraught. The Doctor nodded. “This was just a small victory. So long as the Nestene Consciousness exists, more Autons can be produced, and Equestria is still in danger. We need to resolve this problem at the source.” Rarity considered this for a moment. “The source? I believe I ordered those ponnequins from a company called Auto Plastics…” “An excellent guess, but wrong in this instance,” the Doctor said. Derpy nodded. “We already checked them, they’re clean. The Autons replaced your ponnequins quite recently, probably while you were asleep.” “They were in my home? While I was in bed?!” Rarity cried, aghast. A thrill of terror ran down her spine at the thought of what might have happened if she—or, heavens forbid, Sweetie—had gotten up in the middle of the night, wandered down to get a bite to eat…and walked in on a group of living ponnequins shambling around her workroom. She started hyperventilating at the idea of the horrible fate she or her sister had narrowly avoided. “But how did they get in? Wouldn’t they have left signs of a break-in?” Fancypants asked reasonably. “Ah, you’d think so, wouldn’t you?” the Doctor said smugly. “But that’s only, of course, if they actually broke in…and weren’t already here all along.” “…What do you mean?” Rarity asked, already dreading the answer. “What I mean, Miss Rarity, is that you have a bit of an infestation problem in your basement,” the Doctor said. Rarity blinked. “But…this building doesn’t have a basement. I was thinking of putting one in, but I never got around to it…” “You needn’t have bothered, the Autons did it for you. Dinky? Found the entrance yet?” the Doctor called to his youngest daughter. Dinky, who’d been walking around the room pointing her infrared screwdriver at various objects, nodded and tapped on a wall. “Right here, Dad.” The Doctor smiled. “Good girl. Now, there’s probably a secret switch that can be used to open the door…buuuuut since the Autons already know we’re onto them now and are no doubt mobilizing to attack us in full force, we don’t have time to find it. Derpy, if you would, please?” “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Derpy shouted as she charged at the indicated wall. “No, wait! That’s a load-bearing-“ Rarity started, only to be ignored as Derpy smashed right through it. “Wall.” “Well, since the building’s not coming down on us, I guess it’s not,” the Doctor said as he cheerfully trotted over to the hole his wife had made. “Everything good down there, Derpy?” “I’m okay!” the Pegasus yelled from…what sounded like underground? The Doctor beckoned to the others with a hoof. “Come on, then, you’ll want to take a look at this.” Uneasily, everyone walked or waddled over and gazed into the hole in the wall. Much to Rarity’s surprise, on the other side was a long set of spiral stairs winding deep, deep, deep beneath the building. Derpy was sitting on a step several meters down, rubbing her head and checking her wings to make sure she hadn’t broken anything. “Okay, that wasn’t there when I got the Boutique,” Rarity said. “Seems as if those Autons have been doing some renovations,” Fancypants noted. “And without your permission too, the cads!” “It looks as if you’ve got some tenants who’ve been skimping on their rent,” Fleur added. Rarity narrowed her eyes. “Then it looks like I have some eviction notices to hand out. How are we going to deal with this, Doctor?” The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “’We,’ Ms. Rarity?” “This is my home and place of business, Doctor. I refuse to let you go down there and do…Celestia-knows-what without my being there! I have a stake in this, too!” Rarity insisted. The Doctor shrugged. “Fair enough.” “Ooh! Ooh! Can I come too, Rarity?” Sweetie Belle asked hopefully. “Maybe I’ll get an Auton-Killing Cutie Mark!” “Did you get a Cutie Mark for defeating that one Auton by hitting it repeatedly with your breakfast?” Rarity asked. Sweetie Belle checked her rear end. There was no Cutie Mark there. “No,” she said in disappointment. “Then that means it’s probably not your special talent,” Rarity said. “…Well…maybe I just need to kill more?” Sweetie asked hopefully. “No,” Rarity said flatly. “You should probably go and alert the authorities,” Fancypants said to try and cheer Sweetie Belle up. “In case things go south down there, someone up here needs to know what’s happened.” “Ooh! Could I get an ‘alerting-the-authorities’ Cutie Mark?” Sweetie asked hopefully. “…Possibly…” Fancypants said uncertainly. “What would that even look like, anyway?” Blueblood wondered. Crackle grunted and started chewing on the melted plastic on his back. “Fancypants, Fleur, could you please take care of Sweetie for me?” Rarity asked her friends. “I know it’s unlikely that anything will happen to her up here, but-“ “I’m sorry, Ms. Rarity, but I must respectfully refuse. We’re coming with you,” Fancypants said. “You are?!” Rarity cried in surprise. “You are?!” Blueblood cried in surprise. “He is?!” Sweetie cried. Fleur nodded. “You are our friend, Rarity, and we cannot in good faizh let you wander into ze Gates of Tartarus on your own.” “She won’t be on her own, she’ll have us!” the Doctor said, indicating himself and his family. “…No offense, but I’m not certain I trust ‘er alone wiz you,” Fleur said apologetically. “According to ze stories, many of ze ponies who ‘appen to join you on your adventures tend to…die…” The Doctor opened his mouth to protest, then slumped, ears flattening against his head. “A fair point…” he muttered. Dinky touched her father’s foreleg, while Amethyst Star glared at Fleur. “Rarity could die?!” Sweetie cried. “Don’t worry, dear, I have no intention of dying. This isn’t the first tough spot I’ve gotten out of,” Rarity assured her sister. “I don’t think the robots will let you go if you whine at them a lot,” Sweetie said. “I have far more resources available to me than just whining, Sweetie Belle,” Rarity said with a huff. She paused, and then added, “I wasn’t whining, I was complaining.” “You’re going along with this?” Blueblood asked Fancypants and Fleur incredulously. “But you didn’t do anything to help out when those awful robots came to life! What good would you be down there?” “Tout à fait un peu plus que vous ne le ferait, je fais le pari,” Fleur muttered under her breath. “We didn’t do anything because it looked like the others had things well in hand,” Fancypants explained. “But if there’s going to be more Autons down there, and I suspect there will be, it can’t hurt for us to go along and help out. It wouldn’t be the first time Fleur and I have fought off an army of assailants. Remember those mercenaries your ex-boyfriend sent against us when we last visited your parents, dearest?” “Or zose Griffon pirates when we went on zat airship cruise on our anniversary,” Fleur reminisced fondly. “Or those fashion ninjas that attacked your show when we first met, and I asked you out on a date after I helped you defeat the lot of them, and I had to defeat you in battle before you’d even consider it,” Fancypants said, smiling at his fiancé. “Good times, good times…” “…Fashion ninjas?” Blueblood asked. “Trust me, mate, you’re better off not knowing,” the Doctor said. Rarity nodded. “Yes, I’ve had to deal with a few sent by rival dressmakers to try and steal some of my designs. They’re quite a nuisance in this industry.” “Ah,” Blueblood said vaguely. “Well, uh, while you go and walk into the dragon’s den-“ “I thought they were plastic robots,” Sweetie said. “If you want to go to a dragon’s den, you should go to Smokey Mountain, or that cave in the Everfree, or Golden Oaks Library, or-“ Blueblood rolled his eyes. “Plastic robot’s den. Crackle and I will stay behind and, uh, watch this adorable little ragamuffin of an illegitimate daughter of yours.” “Muffins?” Derpy asked, perking up. “Not that kind, mom,” Dinky said, much to the Pegasus’s disappointment. “She’s my sister,” Rarity said icily. Blueblood smiled and winked. “Riiiiiight. Of course she is.” Then again, maybe she is. Wouldn’t surprise me if she’d slept with her father, the inbred hick, he thought to himself. “That’s probably a good idea,” the Doctor agreed. “Yeah, you probably would only get in the way anyway,” Amethyst Star said. Blueblood hesitated. “I beg your pardon?” “Well, uh, no offense, old chap, but you didn’t exactly put up the best showing against those Autons,” Fancypants said. “You don’t have nearly the combat experience that the rest of us have, so-“ “I took Dueling classes! And fencing! And jousting!” Blueblood protested, neglecting to mention that said Duels had been of the children’s card game variety, his fencing involved learning how to make fences, and he had always gotten the hay beaten out of him in jousting. “And that’s all very well and good, but these are real monsters trying to kill us, not students just playing around,” Fancypants said gently. “There’s a chance you might get hurt. You should probably sit this one out.” Oh, Blueblood. It was unsaid, but still implied. Blueblood’s blood—which was not, in fact, blue, despite his name—boiled. Nopony believed in him. Nopony thought he could ever succeed at anything. All they ever saw when they looked at him was a disappointment and an embarrassment, something to laugh at and feel sorry for. No more! “Out of my way!” Blueblood shouted, shoving past Fancypants and nearly kicking Dinky as he stormed towards the hole in the wall. “Blueblood, what are you-“ Fleur started. “I am a Prince of Equestria! I shall not cower behind others and stay behind while my kingdom is in danger!” Blueblood declared as he carefully stepped into the hole and started down the stairs. “I shall show those worthless robots what happens when they try to invade my country! Come, Crackle!” The dragon obediently got up and waddled after her husband, smashing through the wall and making an even bigger hole. And then one of her many feet tripped on the stairs, and she started falling. She barreled into Blueblood, and then both of them tumbled down the steps, Blueblood screaming in terror and agony as he rolled down the stairs, Crackle’s weight pressing against him and slamming his face into each and every individual step. Derpy barely managed to avoid getting caught in their fall by flying up out of the way just in time, allowing the mixed ball of dragon and Unicorn to continue down the winding spiral, Blueblood screaming curses and obscenities that Sweetie Belle probably wasn’t supposed to hear all the way down. Eventually, he faded into silence. “That must be a very long staircase,” the Doctor observed. “Looks that way,” Amethyst Star agreed. Fancypants sighed. “This is why I said he should stay behind…” “You tried, dear, it’s not ‘is fault ‘e is a complete and utter imbecile,” Fleur said consolingly. There was a pause. “We…should probably go down there and save him, shouldn’t we?” Rarity asked reluctantly. The Doctor sighed and nodded. “Yes, we should. Come along, then!” He hopped into the hole and started down the stairs, followed by his children. “How come Dinky can go but I can’t?” Sweetie Belle whined. “She doesn’t have a Cutie Mark, either!” She frowned. “…Although I get the strange feeling I’ve seen her with a Mark before…several different ones, in fact…” “I do have a Cutie Mark, but it’s a Gallopfreyan character meaning my true name so there’s a perception filter over it to keep anyone from using it against me, which is why you think you saw me with other Marks, or none at all,” Dinky explained, pausing to look back at Sweetie Belle. “Plus, I’m actually a lot older than I look, and have killed more monsters than exist in your worst nightmares, so I’m a little more qualified for this than you are.” “Oh,” Sweetie said. “Wait, so your name’s not actually Dinky?” “No more than my Dad’s name is actually ‘The Doctor,’” Dinky said, giving the other Unicorn a new thought to chew on. “Now, now, Sweetie, don’t feel too bad. Remember, you still have an important part to play,” Rarity consoled her sister. “Going for help?” Sweetie asked gloomily. “Going for help,” Rarity agreed. “Now, get going. Oh, and take Opal with you, the poor dear’s probably terrified after all this, and it might be good to get her away from here.” Sweetie stared at the cat, currently licking herself, surrounded by a rather large heap of Auton parts. “…Yeah. Terrified. That’s what that looks like.” “Excellent! I knew I could count on you,” Rarity said, kissing her sister on the forehead before turning back to Fleur and Fancypants. “All right then, shall we?” Fleur smiled. “Allons-y!” “That’s my line!” the Doctor called up from down the stairs.