//------------------------------// // In Which a Scheme is Hatched // Story: Blueblood's Big Bad Bloody Brilliant Brouhaha // by Ri2 //------------------------------// After dropping Crackle in one of the castle’s many giant fountains and rushing off before any of the attendants could scream at him for turning the lovely piece of architecture into a toxic waste dump, Blueblood and his wife continued on their way to the chariot bay—going completely the wrong way, of course, since the prince had no sense of direction—when a miniature Discord suddenly materialized on Blueblood’s shoulder. “Hey, Princey, can we talk for a second?” After glancing around furtively to make sure nobody was watching, Blueblood said, in an extremely loud whisper, “Certainly, Uncle. What is it?” Discord grimaced at Blueblood’s use of the honorific. Ever since he’d moved into Canterlot Castle and started shacking up with Celestia, many members of the Royal Family had started calling him ‘Uncle,’ which he had rather mixed feelings about. On the one hand, he was delighted, because he’d never actually had a family before and rather liked the idea of being the kind of wacky uncle everyone’s parents were embarrassed to be related to and didn’t really want around their kids. On the other hand, he wasn’t sure he liked the idea of being related to a bunch of self-centered stuck-up ponces like far too many members of the mortal Royal Family, of which Blueblood was arguably the worst of all. “So…you’re going to see Rarity.” “That’s right,” Blueblood said. “Which means, I assume, you’re finally going to exact your revenge on her,” Discord said. Blueblood narrowed his eyes. “Yes…she’s going to pay for getting cake on me at the Grand Galloping Gala! Oh, and humiliating me in front of everyone.” Discord rolled his eyes. “Yes, that…so, what exactly is your plot for vengeance, then? You haven’t really been very forthright about it at our weekly meetings of the Evil League of Evil.” Blueblood glanced around surreptitiously, again to make sure that nobody was listening in on them, before leaning his head down towards Discord and muttering out of the corner of his mouth. “I’ve been planning this for years, down to the very last detail, and didn’t want to tell anyone for fear they might somehow screw it up.” “But since you’re about to carry out that plan now, surely there’s nothing wrong in telling your old Uncle Discord?” the chaos god asked, eyes growing big and wet and a halo appearing behind his head. “…Very well, Uncle,” Blueblood said. He leaned even closer. “So, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to go to Ponytown-“ “Ponyville,” Discord corrected. Blueblood nodded. “Right, that place. I will go into her place of business…” “The Carousel Boutique,” Discord said. Blueblood nodded. “Right, that place. And then…” “Yes?” Discord asked. Blueblood’s horn glowed, and a saddlebag he’d been wearing this whole time that hadn’t been mentioned until this very moment opened up as a pie levitated out. “I will take this pie…” “Uh-huh…” Discord said uncertainly, frowning at the pie. “And throw it in her face!” Blueblood said triumphantly. “…And?” Discord asked. “And then I’ll laugh,” Blueblood said. “Very important, the laugh. I’ve been spending months getting it just right.” Discord stared at Blueblood for a long, long time. “And…that’s it, is it? Throwing a pie in her face?” “Yes,” Blueblood said. “And you’ve spent years coming up with this,” Discord said. “Yes,” Blueblood said proudly. “…Is…is the pie full of acid? Or Poison Joke? Or something like that?” Discord asked slowly. “It’s apple,” Blueblood said smugly. “…Apple,” Discord repeated. “Yes,” Blueblood said. “Why is it apple?” Discord asked. “Because I hate apple pie,” Blueblood said, as if it were obvious. “…So…just because you dislike apple pie, you assume she will too?” Discord asked incredulously. Was he really that self-centered? Wait, stupid question. Of course he was. “Apple pie is the worst pie of all! Nopony could possibly like it!” Blueblood claimed. “…Rarity is friends with Applejack. An apple farmer. She eats apple-based products all the time!” Discord shouted. “Oh.” Blueblood hadn’t considered this. “Including pies?” “YES!” Discord yelled. “Well…perhaps she’s just eating the pie to make that stupid yokel feel like her life’s purpose is not, in fact, to toil endlessly for no reward for the sake of her betters?” Blueblood suggested. Discord facepawed. “Oh, Blueblood. For the love of…” He snapped his talons, returning to his regular size, though he was still sitting on Blueblood’s shoulder, making the princely Unicorn very uncomfortable. “Give me that!” He snatched the apple pie from Blueblood’s magical field and tossed it out the window, where it landed on a gardener several stories below, whose screams of alarm wafted back up towards them. “Bwahahahahaha, priceless.” “Hey, I spent five whole bits on that!” Blueblood cried. “Okay, Princeling, listen up and listen good,” Discord said, looking exasperated. “I’m all for chaos and randomness and stupidity. It’s kind of my thing. But this? Throwing a pie in someone’s face? That’s not an evil plan of revenge, that’s just a prank. And you spent years planning it? Seriously? That’s the best you could do?! That’s…that’s just pathetic. Then again, what else could I expect from someone as completely stupid and thick-headed as you?!” “Now see here-“ Blueblood started indignantly. “No, you see here. I refuse to attach myself to a scheme as mind-numbingly stupid as this. Even I have my limits!” Discord said angrily. “So listen up and listen good. If you’re going to have revenge on Rarity, you’re going to do it my way. Fortunately, I anticipated that your plan might be a complete and utter waste of brain cells, so I came up with something that might actually work.” He produced a piece of paper and showed it to Blueblood. “What do you make of this, eh?” “…It’s a picture of Aunt Celestia with wall-eyes and a beanie saying ‘I are teh dumb and Discord am best draconequus,’” Blueblood said in confusion. “Why so it is,” Discord agreed, throwing the drawing to Crackle, who ate it. “And what of this?” he asked, showing Blueblood another piece of paper. The prince shrieked in horror and backpedaled until he hit the wall. “Sweet Auntie, it’s hideous!” Discord laughed and tossed the photo to Crackle, who ate it. “Yes, I know, Princess Luna does not look pretty before she’s had her first cup of coffee! But seriously, tell me what you think of this?” Discord asked, producing yet another piece of paper. Blueblood screamed again and covered his eyes. “MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES! THEY BURN!” Discord cackled. “I know! I spent months coming up this this: a detailed diagram for the most hideous and unfashionable suit in the history of fashion that even the most fashion-blind pony—or golfer--would realize is an abomination against Princess and pony. No respectable dressmaker would ever make something as horrible as this…well, not without certain incentives, anyway.” “What are you saying?” Blueblood asked, hooves still covering his eyes so he didn’t have to look at the…the horror. “When you go to Carousel Boutique, you will tell Rarity that you need this exact suit for an important occasion,” Discord said, folding up the diagram and putting it in Blueblood’s saddlebags. “And tell her that if she makes it exactly to the specifications in the drawing, you will give her her shop’s weight in gold.” “What?! But I don’t have that much money!” Blueblood protested as he removed his hooves from his eyes. “Auntie cut off my allowance after I tried to bribe government officials to pass a law that would banish every ugly pony in Equestria to the sugar mines so that nopony—by which I mean myself--would ever have to look at them again!” “Don’t worry, I can provide the cash,” Discord assured him. Blueblood frowned. “I thought Auntie forbade you from making gold anymore since the time you sent inflation skyrocketing and nearly destabilized the economy.” “I won’t make the gold, I’ll just get it from elsewhere,” Discord said vaguely. “There’s plenty of gold lying around in the world, you just have to know the right place to look.” Such as dragon hoards. Where he’d leave notes saying, ‘Haha dragons r ugly and stoopid Prince Blueblood rulz PS I took all ur treazure.’ “So…I don’t understand. Why should I pay her that much money to make that…that abomination?” Blueblood asked in confusion. “Because if she doesn’t make it exactly like the diagram specifies, not only will you refuse to pay her a single bit, but you’ll also tell everyone in Equestria that she failed to make an outfit for a member of the royal family. You can do the same thing if she refuses flat out to make it, since refusing a royal request is even worse than trying to fulfill it and failing,” Discord explained. “She’ll become ponya non grata. She’ll be humiliated and disgraced, nopony will buy her clothes again, and the fashion industry will want nothing to do with her.” “But Princess Twilight will just bail her out,” said the confused Blueblood. “Of course she will. Which will only ruin Rarity’s reputation further, since everypony will resent her for being Twilight’s pet and only getting to where she is now due to royal favoritism,” Discord said. Blueblood gasped. “That’s brilliant! But wait, what if she does make the suit perfectly?” “Ah, my dear, stupid nephew,” Discord said, patting Blueblood’s head patronizingly. “Then she’ll be in an even worse place, because she’ll have sold out.” “Huh?” Blueblood asked in confusion. “Ponies like Rarity have a little thing called ‘artistic integrity,’” Discord explained, making air quotes that caused actual quotation marks to hover briefly in the air. “It means she’ll make whatever she feels like and sell it to whoever will buy it. She’ll take commissions, of course—she needs to eat, after all—but always manages to shape and manipulate her client’s requests to match her own style and desires. But if she makes something that goes against her grain, something that is the antithesis of everything she stands for—namely, to make the world a more beautiful place, which it certainly won’t be if she makes the thing I just gave you the specs for—for money, then she will be no better than all those hack seamstresses who make cheap knockoffs of successful brands to make some cash. She’ll be wealthier, oh yes, very much so, but she’ll have done so by betraying her principles and ideals, and will take no pleasure in it…especially since it means that other people will start thinking that all they need to do to get her to make whatever horrible fashion nightmares they’ve cooked up is to throw money at her.” “But…I don’t understand. How will giving her more money be revenge?” asked the dumbfounded Blueblood, who had no understanding whatsoever of art that wasn’t portraits or statues of himself. “Look, it just will, okay? Trust me on this, it’s an artist thing,” said the annoyed Discord. “And besides, if she makes it, she’ll be the laughingstock of the fashion industry for creating something so disgusting. So either way, her reputation will be ruined. And that’s much better than just throwing a pie in her face, don’t you think?” “…I guess?” Blueblood asked doubtfully. “Good. Now get going, you don’t have all day!” Discord said, shoving Blueblood off. The prince sighed. “No, I suppose I don’t. Come, Crackle, we have to go!” The dragon stopped humping a column and waddled over to the Unicorn. They set off down the hallway. “By the way, you’re going the wrong way,” Discord called after him. “…I knew that,” Blueblood lied.