Friendship is Optimal: Psychopathy is Configurable

by Eakin


Slay Together, Stay Together

SLAY TOGETHER, STAY TOGETHER

“I’m going to kill you for what you’ve done to me,” said Jewel as she glared up at Soofie. Her breaths came in short, ragged pants and she screamed out in pain before she went on. “I’m going to tear off your face, chew it up, and vomit it down your throat. I’m going to peel off your skin strip by strip with a dull rock until you’ve felt a fraction of this sort of pain, and only then will I allow you to die.”

Soofie smiled as he looked down at the mare in the hospital bed. “I love you too, Jewel.”

The nurse down by Jewel’s rear end looked over at the couple, quietly shaking her head. It wasn’t totally unheard of for ponies going through labor to have outbursts like that, but they usually weren’t quite that creative. Still, it always helped when the husband was such a calming influence, bless his heart. “A few more pushes and we’ll be done. I can see your foal crowning now,” she said.

Jewel arched her back and bit down on Soofie’s hoof hard enough to draw blood. He winced, but didn’t complain. A moment later her own cries were joined by a new, shriller voice.

“It’s a colt! Congratulations to both of you.”

Exhausted by her efforts over the last three hours, Jewel fell back onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling with unfocused eyes leaving Soofie to lean over and gently take the bundle of blankets Nurse Tenderheart had wrapped the little pink unicorn up in. He cradled his son in his forelegs, and got to see his child open up his eyes for the first time. The new baby stared up at him and cooed.

“Soofie...” said Jewel, reaching up and groping about until her hoof brushed the colt’s face. It wriggled and squee’d happily at her touch. “Let me see him.” He carefully climbed into the bed next to her and lowered their baby down to rest on her barrel.

“He’s beautiful, just like his mother,” he said as he kissed his wife’s forehead. They cuddled together with the new colt squirming between them, all smiles as they looked back and forth at the other members of their new little family.

Nurse Tenderheart grinned, not surprised that she’d been forgotten. Scenes like this made the rougher parts of her job completely worth it. “I’ll give you some privacy,” she said as she slipped away towards the door.

“Nurse Tenderheart, wait,” said Jewel. “I just wanted to apologize for screaming at you like I did back there. You were fantastic, thank you so much for everything.” Tenderheart winked at her and waved goodbye with one of her orange wings as she left the room. As the door clicked behind her, Jewel looked over to her husband. “God, I hate that bitch. We’re going to kill her, right?”

“Whatever you want, dear,” said Soofie. He looked down at the colt, who was moaning and pursing his lips. “First things first, though.” Soofie cautiously guided his son’s head downward along Jewel’s body to one of her swollen teats. He latched on immediately and began suckling away as an expression of transcendental joy passed over Jewel’s face.

She looked over at him in amazement. “I’m a mommy now,” she said as the full force of it struck her for the very first time.

“The best one ever, I bet,” he said. With their son momentarily occupied, he took the opportunity to steal another kiss from her lips. “Right now, we need to finally figure out a name. I know we’ve talked about using your uncle’s but-”

“I know what his name is,” interrupted Jewel. She stared down at the colt, brushing the few wispy hairs on his head. “His name is Beetle.” Soofie’s eyes snapped open, in no way missing the significance of that particular choice. “It’s perfect. So much was reborn that day. You know how I like to keep track of the names, right?”

Soofie did know. He’d never forget how he discovered that little detail...

---------------------------

“Jewel? Are you home?” asked Samuel as he pushed open her unlocked door. Odd. She’d invited him over for dinner hoping to get his take on her Celestia-enhanced cooking abilities, so why was her house dark? Walking into the kitchen and placing the bottle of red wine he’d brought along down next to the sink, he glanced over the counter.

Sitting there propped up against the fruit bowl was a little pink diary. Hesitating for just a moment to confirm that he was indeed alone, he reached over and flipped open the cover.

This diary is the private property of Jewel Shard. Do not read! This means you!

He scoffed. Sorry Jewel, should have hidden it better. The first page was an annoyingly cliched entry about the day she’d purchased the book, saying ‘hello’ to the diary, writing for three paragraphs about the banana she’d had for breakfast before leaving for work. Samuel nearly closed it then and there, but flipping to the next page revealed that the first one was just a ruse.

The second page, and indeed nearly the entire record, was a long list of names, dates, and a few sentences detailing how she’d gone about killing the ponies in question. Most of them Samuel recognized, although there were a few more recent ones she hadn’t told him about yet. Samuel had his pattern, his routine, but Jewel was all over the map with her methods. A few stood out as especially impressive from the last six weeks or so. The filly she’d tied up in a burlap sack, dragged out during a torrential downpour, and tossed into the river’s churning rapids. The time with the poisoned lipstick that’d had him terrified to let her kiss him for the next several days. The mare who’d come into her shop to flirt with her for three days straight until Jewel had spontaneously closed the shop in the middle of the afternoon and told her it was her lucky day. Then she’d lured her to a motel, chained her to a bed frame, wrapped her hind legs around the mare’s head, and suffocated her with...

Well, Samuel had actually gotten a little jealous when she’d told him about that one.

More than capable on her own after everything she’d learned in those last three years, she still made sure they shared a kill every week or so on date nights like tonight. Maybe that was where she was? Could something have gone wrong?

Then Samuel reached the last few pages of the diary, written in shaky cursive.

Dear Diary,

I go into work, just like any other morning, and Ruby Ring staggers in late for the third day in a row. I don’t know what I’m going to do with him! Soofie is right, I should really just fire him. Then again Soofie doesn’t know the real reason I keep him around, does he?

Huh? Samuel tried to puzzle out the sudden change in format. Jewel complained about her assistant all the time, and he’d indeed suggested that she get rid of him one way or another. She never did though, always muttering something about it being hard to find good help.

“Ruby!” I shout at him and put my hooves on my hips. “How many times do I have to tell you, I want you here in the mornings to help me open. What’s the excuse today?”

“Gee, I’m real sorry ma’am,” he hangs his head and even through his red coat I can tell he’s blushing. I lick my lips. He’s just so cute when he does that. “I was out a bit late drinking with friends, and I slept through my alarm.”

Cute?

“Mmmhmm. And just how do you plan to make it up to me?” I ask him. I step in close and slide a hoof underneath him. I feel his heart beating faster as my touch runs over his rippling pectoral muscles and his wings snap open. “Good boy,” I purr. He’s the worst apprentice I can imagine, but he does have his uses. I lick my hoof and stroke the edge of his outstretched feathers. They quiver with the anticipation I’ve been carefully cultivating over the last few months, letting it build and release as I twist him into my perfect little plaything. I circle around to enjoy the full three-hundred-sixty degree display, and as I nip at his flank he yelps. “Back office. Now,” I demand. Unlike when I tell him to sweep the damn floors, he’s quick to comply.

Flipping the sign on the front door back over to ‘Closed,’ I push past him and hop up onto my workbench with my rump high in the air, casting my tools all over the floor. Ruby will clean those up afterwards, or there’ll be an actual (and very enjoyable) punishment waiting for him this evening. “Jewel,” he pants with barely any self control left, “we can’t keep doing this. What if your coltfriend finds out?”

I just laugh at the idea. Soofie, figure this out? He actually trusts me, the silly foal, really thinks I’ve been faithful to him. Just like I’d trust him to-

Samuel stared at the point where space on the page had run out. He couldn’t believe it. He’d actually let himself believe that Jewel was different. That she’d seen him at his darkest and not only accepted it but revelled in it. That they’d been in love. Hating himself for not being able to slam the book shut and flee out into the night, he turned to the final page.

Just like I’d trust him to NOT READ SOMEPONY ELSE’S DIARY!

Gotcha, my love. Gotcha so good.

If you’re reading this (and I KNOW you are) come upstairs, there’s a surprise waiting for you.

Samuel gaped at the book and threw it back down on the counter. His heartbeat pounded in his ears in time with his hooves on the stairs. The light shining from underneath Jewel’s bedroom door made his target clear, and he burst in through it to discover the scene waiting for him on the other side.

Ruby Ring, all tied up, lay belly down on the floor with Jewel straddled over his back. She grinned up at him. “Hello, sweetie. Oh my, what’s the matter? You seem all agitated. Did you read something alarming?” When Samuel didn’t reply, she used her magic to lift an ice pick up from her bed and stabbed it into Ruby’s half-plucked wing right at the base of one of his remaining feathers. The scream of pain was somewhat muffled but still unmistakable through his gag. It only escalated as Jewel reached down, took the feather between her teeth and yanked it free, spitting it into the bloody pile at her side. “You were taking too long, so I started without you.”

Samuel watched the display, neither moving nor answering her. He looked her in the eyes, and as he narrowed them her cheshire grin vanished. “Jewel... That wasn’t... How could you...”

“It was a joke, Soofie. I thought it’d be funny,” she said. Samuel fell silent and Jewel’s eyes grew alarmed. “Please say something.”

“Marry me, Jewel.” The words fell out of Samuel’s mouth unbidden.

“Mmmph?” asked Ruby, raising a very confused eyebrow.

“Marry me,” he said again with more confidence this time. What he’d felt when he thought even for a second that she was going to be torn out of his life had been the worst kind of agony. But it’d also brought him clarity.

Jewel dropped the ice pick, and it landed just a centimeter away from her soon-to-be-former assistant’s eye. “Yes! Yes! Oh Soofie, of course I’ll marry you!” she dashed over and threw herself around him. They clung together, spinning in a slow circle until Samuel pushed them a small ways apart.

“Jewel, this was... I think I did this wrong. I didn’t even get you a ring.”

Jewel smiled mischievously. “Well, we’ll just have to share the one I brought home from my shop won’t we?”

His brief reprieve over, Ruby Ring tried to inch away on his belly but was stopped when Jewel stepped down on his tail. Samuel retrieved the ice pick, and the happy couple went about celebrating in their own special way.

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Soofie slipped out of the delivery room, where both Beetle and Jewel had fallen asleep after the strain of the day. His intention was to make it down to the cafeteria for some coffee, but he was stopped almost immediately by his brother-in-law. “Hey there, new Dad! Congratulations!”

“Thanks, Blue Jay,” said Soofie. “Please keep your voice down, though, they’re napping.”

“Oh, sorry. So I guess this means you’re not going to be able to make it out for eighteen holes every Friday afternoon, huh?”

And miss out on the chance to catch up with where the police were in all the open murder cases? “And miss out on spending time with my best friend? No way, we’ll work something out.”

“Glad to hear it. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to come to the baby shower later this week. We got a big break, and I have to run down to Pensacolta for a couple of days. Sorry, I can’t really talk about the details.”

“I completely understand,” said Soofie. He did, too, given that he and Jewel had been the ones to dump the bag of Pensacoltan sand they’d saved since their honeymoon under the pony they’d left crucified in the town square, snickering all the while.

“Nimbus will be there, though. I think she’s been more excited than Jewel has, if that’s even possible. Who knows? This time next year your little guy might have a cousin.”

Now that would be interesting. Soofie could conceivably keep his son’s first kill inside the family, but he quickly reconsidered. That would really hurt Jewel, and Blue Jay too. Plus, there were plenty of other children running around town. Soofie grinned. The first playground bully who tried to push his little Beetle around was going to be in for a very unpleasant surprise. “Well, have a good time on your cushy beach trip while I’m up at all hours of the night changing diapers.”

“I wish. Hey, you going to grab a pick-me-up? I wouldn’t say no to one if I’m going to be hanging out here until my sister wakes up.”

“Two sugars, right? You got it.”

“You’re the best, thanks.” Blue Jay settled back down with the book he’d been reading.

Continuing down the hallway following signs for the kitchen, he felt a shiver run down his spine as he reached his destination. "Hello, Celestia."

The Princess was seated with her back to a corner of the room, watching him intently. Her side was criss-crossed with old scars and bruises, and one of her eyes was covered by a patch. When she realized Soofie was looking at her, she turned her head ever so slightly away. "Hello, sir." Soofie walked over towards her, and saw her tense up as he got closer. "I'm sorry to disturb you. Congratulations on the birth of your son. I took the liberty of adding a nursery to your home, right off the master bedroom suite. I hope that's alright."

"Yes, that's fine," said Soofie. If anything, she was even more pathetic than the last time they'd spoken. "Is that all?"

Celestia stared at him, pain evident in her unpatched eye. She was quiet for a long time before she spoke again. "It's..." she gulped. "It's about Beetle. It isn't too late. I speak fluent baby. I could get his consent and modify him so that he isn't... isn't..."

"Isn't like his parents," finished Soofie.

Celestia nodded. "There are so many wonderful ways I could satisfy his values through friendship and ponies. He doesn't have to grow up a bloodthirsty killer. He could live a normal-"

The slap that struck her cheek left her reeling. "Are you questioning me?"

"No!" She fell to her knees in front of Soofie and covered her face with her forelegs. "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

"Maybe you need a reminder of what happens when you try to manipulate me into your little puppet."

Celestia wailed. "Not the cellar. Please, sir, I didn't mean anything by it. You're the one in charge, not me. I'll do whatever you and Mistress Jewel tell me to, just please stop hurting me."

Soofie smiled. That was more like it. "I'll overlook your insolence this time, but there is something I want you to do."

Celestia looked up and nodded, almost pitifully eager. "Name it."

"Once Jewel's had a few weeks to recover, I want you to put her back into heat."

"You... you want me to make even more minds like the three of you? But..." Soofie's scowl cut her off. "Yes, sir. Anything you say."

"A daughter this time," he said. A fresh idea struck him, inspired by Celestia's obvious reluctance. "Actually? Twin daughters." He bet he could even guess which names Jewel would want to use from her diary. The two sorority sisters they had grabbed together, chained up on either side of their joint basement and taken turns competing to see who could make theirs scream the loudest. At the end of the weekend, laying together in the gory aftermath, they'd agreed to call it a tie.

Celestia closed her eye and a tear rolled down her cheek. "Okay," she whimpered. "I'll get Mistress Jewel's consent first thing tomorrow morning."

"See? That wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Soofie as he patted her on the head. She flinched as his hoof brushed against her cracked horn. "Now get out of my sight before I change my mind."

In an instant she was gone, leaving nothing but two mugs of steaming hot coffee on a nearby table. Soofie took a sip of one. Celestia might be a feeble-minded, easily intimidated little wretch after all the times he’d killed her but she still made a damn good cup of coffee.

Carrying both mugs back to the delivery room, he handed one of them to Blue who nodded his thanks and took it. Just then, the orange figure of Nurse Tenderheart rounding the corner at the far end of the hall caught his eye. Sensing opportunity, Soofie cursed his luck. If only he had some way to distract Blue...

That was when the sounds of Beetle’s cries came from inside the room, and both stallions leapt to their hooves. Seizing the moment, Soofie turned to Blue. “Hey, I need to run to the bathroom really fast. Wanna go in there and meet your nephew?”

Blue Jay gave him a big, dopey grin. “Absolutely. I’ll hold down the fort until you’re back.” He pushed open the door. “Hey, Jewel. And who is this?” Then the door shut and cut off whatever came next.

Soofie trotted quickly down the hall past all the unoccupied cots lining the walls. He could make this a quick one. Maybe even bring Jewel back an orange feather as a souvenir. She’d probably like having one for a scrapbook or something. Nurse Tenderheart was rummaging around in a supply closet for something, oblivious to his presence. Glancing around, he noticed the long plastic tubes hanging from IV stands. Pulling one out of the bag it was attached to, he wound it around his forehooves and crept forward as saline quietly dribbled down to the floor behind him. Then with a lunge and a shove he forced the nurse deeper into the closet, slamming the door closed behind them.

Nurse Tenderheart spun around, opening her mouth to scream. She never managed it, as Soofie wrapped the makeshift garrote twice around her neck in a smooth, quick motion and yanked it taut. Her cry for help was reduced to a choked off gurgle, and as Soofie watched the light slowly disappear from her eyes, a single thought occurred to him.

Life was good.