//------------------------------// // "I Hate Snakes..." // Story: The Best Winter Wrap-Up Ever! // by Mr Anomalous //------------------------------// "I hate snakes," Alexander mumbled as he dropped his heavy pack onto the ground and lay down, using the shed pack as a pillow. "Nonsense. Snakes are our friends," Zee Captain said, wagging a disapproving finger down at the tired scientist. "I thought you had declared war on all snakes?" I mused. "Well, we obviously just made allies with them." "Oh? I could've sworn that hissing, chasing, and attempting to smother us with what looked like their breasts was considered hostile." "Oh Snippy you fool, you obviously don't speak snake." "Clearly." I repeated the action that Alexander, or "Engie," had just done and soon found myself resting while Captain stood, pondering whatever it is he ponders, his ever-steaming mug in hand. Pilot had just finished building a fire out of what few resources we had and cast what could only be a hostile look in my direction. He turned away and I caught him mumbling something about "shoe-obeying heretics" as he did so. I exchanged glances with Alexander, who only shrugged and looked back towards the destroyed ceiling, continuing his nap. The orange flames, though small, cast a dim light around the half-destroyed building that we had taken cover in as a rare moon poked its way through the dense clouds. I found myself staring at the white, orb which sat far away, riddled with craters and covered in dust and rocks. I gave an amused snort when I realized how similar it was with Earth. I adjusted my coat and turned on my side, away from the growing flames and toward a pile of rubble. After checking my filter, I managed to drift into sleep, listening to Pilot's mumbling as I did so. I was awoken abruptly by a shudder and a rumble in the ground beneath me. Startled, I snatched my close-by rifle and scrambled to my feet, rigid. Alexander soon followed, brandishing a weapon of his own. Zee Captain was still asleep. Pilot was nowhere to be found. "Psst. Captain!" I hissed. The man only grumbled and stirred, gripping his teddy bear tighter. "Captain!" Suddenly, he was on his feet, the beat-up bear falling to the dust. "Oh no! The great land of Captania is under attack! Quick, muster the troops!" "We are mustered..." "Not you, I mean the six companies of trusty laser-toting space marines!" "..." I ignored the Captain's last statement and listened as another quake shook the earth. Some of the rubble in the pile next to me fell from its spot, clattering down the sides. "I'm sorry!" a voice came. "What?" I said to myself. "I'm so, so sorry!" it came again, this time louder. I relaxed; it was only Pilot. "Pilot!" the Captain called, "Have you betrayed us? If so, I'm afraid I'll have to force-feed you a rusty fork!" The frightened man finally came into sight, rounding a corner from the entrance to the building. "No! I'd never betray you! It's just-" He was interrupted by yet another quake and he sprawled face-first into the ground, sending up a puff of dust. "Goddammit, Pilot, what did you do?" Alexander groaned. "I don't know!" The ground, no, the space behind Pilot blurred and became enveloped by a roaring black mass. Alexander, who had remained on his guard the entire time slumped. "Another black hole? Just kill me now." "Whee!" Zee Captain swan dived into the gaping tear and reality. Pilot, who watched his space-wizard idol leap into the fissure scrambled up on his feet and followed. "Wait, Captain, wait for meeeeeeeee!" I looked around frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Alexander was just laying down, weeping silently. I gave a huff of defeat and leaped forward, grabbing my bag on the way. "Snippy..." I groaned. "Sniiiipyyyy..." "What?" "Wake up." "No." "Do it, the Princess wants to meet you." "Captain, I told you, I'm not playing Pink Princess Party with you. Ever." "Wake up or I'll enact my authority as Supreme Space Wizard and Master of the Universe and have you executed." "Oh? Well then, by all means, I apologize." "You are forgiven, just don't let it happen again." "Uh-huh, sure." "Charles, you're gonna want to get up." Alexander's voice chimed in. I frowned. Alexander was the only sane person in our group besides myself. I sighed and opened my eyes. I frowned again. The Sky. It looked...cleaner. "Okay, what's going on?" I stood up and squinted my eyes at the bright light. "Woah..." The area around me was...well, not dead. There were trees and grass and flowers, and birds flew around, chirping. This change in scenery actually made me beleive that Captain had a real Princess waiting to see me. My mistake. "Snippy, say hello to Princess Mrs. Snippy." "..." "What?" "I don't remember ever marrying a tree." "Shh! You'll hurt her feelings." I groaned again and turned to Alexander while Captain continued to whisper comforts to the hunk of wood and leaves. "Where are we?" "Beats me." "Umm...alright then, where's Pilot?" "Off doing Pilot things, I suppose." "Huh..." I did a slow three-sixty and took in all of my surroundings. We all, minus Pilot, stood atop a lush hill at the edge of a pine-filled forest. Past the trees, we were surrounded entirely by mountains. One of them in particular, directly in front of us, caught my eye. For one, it was the by far the tallest, and for another I could swear that I saw something perched on it... "Hey... Alex..." "Doctor Gromov." "Whatever. Let me see your binoculars." The scientist dug around in his pockets for a while until he withdrew a pair and handed them over. I raised them up to my lenses and squinted, concentrating on what I thought I saw. "Ooh..." "What?" "That's interesting." "Let me see." Alexander pawed the binoculars from my grasp and held them up to his own lenses. I heard him whistle under his mask. Speaking of which... "Hey...I think we can finally take these things off." Still looking down the binoculars, Alexander mumbled "Huh. I think you're righ-" "NO!" He was interrupted by Zee Captain as he dove in between us, quite unnecessarily, and fell to the ground anticlimactically. Undeterred, he popped back up on his feet and cried, "We can't! The Holy Law of the Space Wizards and Kings is against it!" "Why exactly?" I suddenly found my vision filled with Captain's mask. "We do not question The Holy Law of Space Wizards and Kings..." I decided to humor him, as I had been doing ever since I knew him, and left it on. Alexander only shrugged and motioned for the Captain. "C'mere, look at this." Zee Captain did so and whistled himself. Then, rather painfully, he swung the binoculars into my chest and released them, forcing me to fumble with the delicate device until they were caught. "Notify the troops, we have a nation to conquer! Onwards!" Alex and I groaned. Princess Twilight Sparkle and her companion, Princess Luna, both giggled over their tea. "Flash did that?" Twilight asked, surprised and amused. "Indeed," Luna answered with a chuckle. "It's just...isn't that a bit...naughty?" Luna laughed heartily as she nodded and sipped her tea. "Unorthodox?" "Absolutely." "Did anyone ever find out? Besides you I mean." Luna smirked and shook her head. "Wow." Twilight leaned back in her spot. "That's odd." "Yes, it is, but don't worry; I think the beast was dealt with." "I hope so..." The next few minutes were spent in a comfortable silence between the two as they finished their tea, casting knowing smiles about "what Flash did" to one another the entire time. Luna was just about to say something after they had finished when there was a knock at the door. Twilight eeped, startled. She then cleared her throat, her cheeks slightly flushed under Luna's a,used gaze, and called out, "Come in." A Royal Guard poked his head into the Princess's quarters and said in a serious tone, "Her Majesty Celestia would like to have a word with you, at the gate." "We'll be right there." The gruff stallion nodded and extracted himself. "What do you think that's all about?" Twilight asked. Luna shrugged. "I don't know, but she'll be excepting us soon. Come on." Twilight left her spot and the two trotted out the door down towards the gate. "I've never seen anything like it." "Nor I. But...it appears as if they're...trying to break down the gate?" "It does indeed, but..." The regal stallion shook his head as he looked down onto the amusing, confusing, and somewhat disturbing scene below him. Two creatures, both of them bipedal and both of them heavily cloaked and armored, were both holding a branch, as if it were a battering ram, and were attempting to use it as such, shouting and repeatedly backing up and charging forward against the gates of the city. Behind them and off to the side of the cobblestone road, two similar creatures looked very bored. One sat on a log, his hand on his forehead as he looked at the ground, while the other simply slept. Soon, Twilight and Luna joined Celestia and Quick Quill, the Royal scientist, on the wall overlooking the gate. "What is it, Princess?" Twilight asked. Celestia, an amused look on her face, gestured down to the scene below them. Immediately, both of the recently-arrived Alicorns leaned forward and squinted. "Are they...trying to break down the gate?" Luna asked, a very curious tone in her voice. "I beleive so." Celestia answered. "What...are they?" Twilight asked, equally perplexed. "We don't know," Quick Quill answered. Again and again, the two aliens heaved their laughable siege device against the heavy doors, not making progress in the slightest, while the other two waited. Finally, Twilight attempted to break the silence. "Um. Hello?" She was ignored. "That's...not going to work!" she called down. "Nonsense!" one of them suddenly answered, "I am the Supreme Ruler of the Universe!" Celestia suppressed a laugh, while most of the guards openly chuckled. "Yeah! And he's a Space Wizard!" the other added. In the back, the alien who had been sitting on a log audibly face-palmed. "I'm sorry!" it called forth. "There's nothing to apologize for, Snippy, we're going to win!" The one called "Snippy" finally shook its head and walked forward. It cautiously approached the wall and said in a hushed tone. "Uh, Captain? That's really not going to work." "Bah. Says the one who can't stand bells on his sled." "What does that have to do with anything?" "Nothing! You're just silly!" The alien immediately slumped in a "are-you-kidding-me" way and looked up. It looked back at the attackers. This was going to be a long day.