//------------------------------// // Bonus: original draft // Story: Thus Dwell in Joy // by nodamnbrakes //------------------------------// Once upon a nowhere... ...because that's what existed, and still exists, and will always exist: nothing, nowhere, and never. There was and is no time; everything happens 'at once', and yet it never happens. Tense is useless in describing the world as it once was, but for the sake of allowing for some semblance of sense (terribly tragic, yet necessary in this single instance), the past tense will be used, even though it didn't really happen before. 'Back then', as some would say, there was darkness. A lot of it. Chaotic darkness, filled with terrifying creatures nopony in Equestria could possibly comprehend. They were infinite in their numbers, and infinite in their uniqueness, which is also a fallacy because sameness is required for uniqueness, and everything was the same and there was also nothing at all. It was in this nowhere that the goddesses Celestia and Luna were born. Let us now paint a portrait of the 'world' in which they always and forever existed: Ponies danced about in the darkness, committing atrocities upon one another and being ruined again and again and never being to begin with. If there was one thing about this corner of nothing that could be called consistent, it was that everypony there suffered beyond anything an Equestrian mind could imagine. There was no evil overlord to torture them, most of the time (note to self: avoid using that word without accompanying negation) -- there was only innate suffering, and hatred, and the vile smell of blood, vomit, and shit not coming from anywhere because none of those things existed back then and now and in the future. You might be wondering now why the world might be biased like that. I could tell you a lot of things, but I think I'll go with the old addage: 'Life sucks, and then you don't die because you're an immortal being trapped in an eternal state of suffering forever with no chance of escape'. So all day and night, which did not exist because there was no sun and no moon, and no earth for them to spin round, the infinite number of ponies in the infinite expanse of absolutely nothing suffered and were in pain. This was life without life with life but without life. Does that make any sense? No? Good. Celestia and Luna did not have parents. Nopony had parents except some ponies who were born having parents. They did not have friends. They only had each other. Through some fluke of nothing whatsoever, both alicorns shared a deep bond and tried to comfort each other as best they could, even as they tortured each other because once in a no time they had to do that. There wasn't any compulsion or magic forcing them to torture each other; they just had to. It was as simple as that. Everything was simple. Some ponies may believe it wasn't simple, but in truth it was far less complex than the dastardly system of time and space that turns like clockwork and holds up their hooves now. Everything was and is and would be at the same 'time', in a place that existed, did not exist, and experienced both and neither state at the same time. Does that make sense? No? Try unliving in it forever and see where you don't get. In the corner of this corner of nowhere, two young fillies huddled together and watched the horrific sights before them. They were fillies because it sounds more chronologically correct to you (or whatever historian reads this series of annoyingly well-organized and similar black lines), though they were born and grew old in that place all 'at once' forever, because there was no time at all. Celestia, who may or may not be called Tia at times because I know it annoys her, was not the tall, majestic, regal creature we have all come to love (and loathe, once you get a good look at her... she's hideous as a troll, after all! Hi Tia!) in this not-space at this not-time. Rather, she was a pathetic little ball of fur and feathers with a(n un)broken horn jutting out of her head sometimes. She was also red most of the time (silly me, using that word again) because, you know, blood tends to be red and not white. Really, I think it suited her better than her current look, but who am/was I to dictate fashion before the beginning of time? Go ask Rarity if you care that much. She'll disagree with me on princaple. If I said the sky was green and Tom was a giant diamond she would tell me it's blue (boring color in my opinion; turquoise is much better) and call me some unladylike things until she changed her mind. Poor Thomas still hasn't gotten over the rejection. But I digress. In any case, this blood-soaked, shaking little thing called Celestia spent most/all/none/some of her untime doing interesting things like getting impaled on nonexistent spikes, licking up dead skin off floors, which also (possibly) didn't unexist in that forever, screaming as her hooves unprogressively froze over and fell off a lot, and having her head split open like a watermelon so every pony in an infinite line of ponies could eat and fuck her brains, which I can assure you was probably quite disgusting to watch but very funny anyway. She also spent all of her forever with her little sister Lulu -- sorry, I mean Luna. They loved each other very much even though Celestia spent every unmoment of the time that did not exist sawing her sister's horn off and eating the maggots out of her eye sockets. Did I mention that Luna usually had either one, two, or no eyes all the time? Sometimes she even had less! Now, Luna was even more pathetic than her sister, appearance-wise. Have you ever seen an alicorn filly with sixty-seven broken bones, forty-three individual puncture wounds to the abdomen, every other imaginable injury ever and a few you couldn't imagine, and one and a half remaining wings try to do magic with a broken horn? No? You've missed out on something very entertaining, dear friend! Go read Mirror Dot's dissertation about the correlational relationship between the stimulation of nerves that receive pain signals and unrestrained magic flowing from base-level horn injuries in unicorns. Or don't. It's quite boring. There I go on a tangent again. Silly me. It's just so hard to stay focused on describing something that's been around forever. Why would you want to hear about that when you could be laying banana peels for ponies to slip on? Anyway, little Luna was a weeping mess most of the time (damn my inattention to detail). She always was the more emotional sister, you know, but before time began she really just spent most of her time crying, screaming for Celestia, or just catatonic. Ooh, have you ever seen a catatonic pony wake up from the sheer pain of having her teeth ripped out? No? You really are living a very sad excuse for a life. Even alicorns have to sleep, so Tia would sing lullabies to calm Lulu down while stabbing her and apologizing for being so cruel at the same untime that Luna was gutting her and crying hysterically. Isn't that sweet? It usually did or didn't (sometimes both or neither, or none of the above) go like this: "H-h-hush n-no-n-now, qui-quiet n-n-now, it's-s t-ti-m-ti-time - t-to -- I'm so s-s-sor-r-r-y-y, L-L-L-Lulu! -- to-- to-- I'm s-sorry, I-I-I'm s-s-sorry -- t-time t-to lay y-y-yo- to - lay your s-sle-e-epy h-- please, please, p-p-please stop c-crying, I-I'm so, s-so, so sorry--" Trust me, if somepony dropped a microphone down there (not that there was up or down, mind you... it was all pretty much the same back unthen) the resulting record would sell millions. I can see it in my mind's eye, oh yes; and for an album cover, a big picture of Tia cradling Lulu in her hooves and trying desperately to stab her with as little violence as possible. By Celestia (literally), what a hit! Oh, and then and again there was that thing you silly ponies don't like to talk about because you're all prudes. I myself am not a pony, or even a creature of Equestria, so I have no interest in copulating with you pitiful but admittedly hilarious creatures. On the other hoof, it was always/sometimes/potentially very amusing to see the looks on Tia's and Lulu's faces during the forever when one or the other (or both) got dragged off to be abused by a stallion or two, never to return until just then. Does it make you angry that such unjust things happened to those poor sweet fillies who only wanted to snuggle together and maybe stab each other a couple of times? Let me make you even angrier by adding that they both knew there was no escape and were completely broken sometimes/mostly/on unTuesdays. Even Tia was catatonic on unWednesdays! Or maybe not. It depends on the weather. So that's how the legendary princesses of Equestria lived forever. There is no end because forever doesn't end. But then (before the dawn of time), something uncame to the nowhere that really just shouldn't have been in it. Let me tell you, the creature known as Discord took on a rather silly appearance in Celestia's and Luna's world. Before that, he was quite magnificently ugly, and I'm not going to bother describing his exquisite appearance to you because there are quite literally no words in Equestrian that can possibly sum him up. Discord was always in nowhere, but he actually came toward the end of the untime before time. Does that make sense? Yes? My apologies; I'll try to be less clear. Anyway, he looked around, put on his extremely hip sunglasses, and decided he rather liked all the chaos. So he set about joining in it, and sitting in his hammock, and drinking chocolate milk, and causing chaos, and causing chaos, and causing chaos, all at the same never always. But you can only watch a little pony get his and her genitals switched without actually having anypony to switch them with so many times before it gets a bit dull. Thus, Discord came up with an excellent idea! Why not mix things up a bit by having everything be something and not be forever and never? And that was how time and space were invented. So instead of turning Discord to stone every time he graces you with his very enjoyable, deliciously chaotic presence, you little ponies should actually be thanking him. If it wasn't for him, you would all be eternally suffering yet never existing. Congratulations; Discord is your creator and savior! Bow down before his mismatched feet! Alas, most ponies have never known the nowhere from whence their rulers came. But I personally know two who do. They're Celestia and Luna, obviously. And they're still there, you know. Because they were never there to begin with. And there isn't any such thing as time before time existed, so they've never really escaped, even though they have. Ah. Hello there, Tia. It's rather rude to eavesdrop on the inner monologues of others, isn't it? Yes, I know you've been listening. How could I not? I know every inch of this miserable stone prison, and I know when somepony's casting a spell on it I know you're always afraid. You should be. After all, we're immortal, so we have all of forever to live, don't' we? And you can only keep me trapped here for so long. Isn't time a beautiful thing, Tia? I think so. However, I don't think I shall be returning it to you the next time I get out. I've had quite enough of this world, thank you very much. Without me, where are you? Nowhere. I'm going to pop your little bubble the moment I'm out again -- which is to say, of course, never, since once I'm gone you'll be back where you didn't start. Was keeping the skies free of cotton candy for a few million years really worth erasing time and space? Think on that. There's no magic in Equestria that can truly stop me. You should know; you and Luna created magic all those millions, billions, trillions of years ago. And I am no Equestrian. I have all the time in the world to stare at your ugly garden wall, because nothing lasts forever except you, your sister, and I.