Chapter 3
Celestia’s afternoon tea was going splendidly, as per usual. A full contingent of palace staff worked to keep her favorite spot on the balcony clean and orderly, her tea flawlessly brewed, and her schedule flexible for what was often the one moment of solace in an otherwise busy day.
She reached for the bone china teacup sitting on the table beside her before retracting her telekinesis. A light ripple danced across the surface of her brew. Then another, heavier than before. And another.
What in the—
Her bedroom doors imploded under a barrage of magical energy, sending a flurry of cushions, paperwork and maids still latching onto linens for dear life around the room. The tempest slowed and broke, fading into silence under the click-clack of hooves on the marble floor.
Ah. Of course. Wait for it, Celestia thought calmly. Five, four, three, two...
“Sister!”
Boom goes the dynamite.
Celestia finished her cup, setting it neatly on the tray with the hoofful of her possessions that survived this most recent storm. Luna’s increasingly grand and boisterous entrances were becoming the stuff of legend...and horrible fiscal insecurity.
“Luna. To what do I owe today’s pleasant surprise?” The poor servants hadn’t even finished re-furnishing her suite from last week’s impromptu discussion on modern Equestrian tax law.
Her sister was obviously flustered; her midnight mane glittered fiercely as a million tiny pinpricks of light faded in and out with each deep breath. All things considered, the level of wanton destruction today was low on the Potential Lunar Apocalypse scale.
“Sister. We have grave matters of great import to discuss with thee. We have spent all morning gazing into the secrets of Our magical demon’s scrying eye, and—”
“I thought we agreed that you should stop using magical demon souvenirs, Luna.” Ever since the hunting of otherworldly creatures for their sometimes mystical body parts had been banned, soothsaying had become a difficult business. Unfortunately, Discord had been firm on that particular stipulation ever since his “reformation.”
That hadn’t stopped Luna from keeping her private collection, obviously.
“What? Dost thou doubt the power of Our eye? We pried it from the shattered skull of Belial Ourselves. ‘Twas thrilling sport.” The Princess of the Night giggled in nostalgic jubilation. “We remember it so vividly: the clash of horn against claw, ancient magicks against Elder signs, the warm splash of demon blood...”
“Good grief, I’d almost forgotten how terribly bloodthirsty you can get, Lulu.” Matter rearranged itself inside Celestia’s teapot to let Discord, the recently socially-adjusted Serpent God of Chaos, climb out of the spout.
“‘Tis one of Our favorite qualities,” the Princess cooed happily.
“Do neither of you understand the basic concept of privacy?” Celestia was beginning to feel the old urge to plunge Equestria into another Ice Age. Luna and Discord both stared at her incredulously.
“...Is that one of your modern social standards the hoofmaidens continue to pester Us about?”
“I’ve heard of it. I just don’t happen to care.”
Celestia counted herself fortunate she’d shed her heavy regalia in the privacy of her chambers. Hitting oneself in the face with a solid-gold horseshoe left quite the spectacular mark. “Let’s just address the topic at hoof, shall we?” she said, wiping the frown off her face with her forelimb and leaving the whitewashed diplomatic facade she’d perfected over the centuries. “Luna, what was it you saw in the—” she paused, suddenly very aware of the draconnequus in the room.
Discord didn’t seem to be paying attention, distracted by a finger up his nose. After a moment, he withdrew and removed a half-eaten jelly donut. “Hey! Been wondering where this went.” He popped into his mouth, smacking his lips as he finally gave the alicorns a wink, “Ah, spicy. Don’t mind me, ladies.”
“Thou hast produced a powdered pudding pastry, pilfered from thine protruding proboscis,” declared Luna, who looked thoroughly confused.
Celestia began, “Could we please get back to —”
“Now say that five times fast,” chuckled Discord, “the powder was making me sneeze all morning. Couldn’t figure out why for the life of me!”
“Why?” wondered the night alicorn.
Discord shrugged. “Adds flavor.”
“LOOK EVERYPONY, THERE’S SOMETHING EXPLODING OVER THERE!”
“Dost Our ears deceive Us!?”
“Oooooh, let me see!”
Both the draconequus and nocturnal princess suddenly rushed to the balcony, frantically peering over the side. The horizon was scanned and the city below thoroughly combed before they realized there weren’t, in fact, any things exploding, imploding, combusting, or any combination of the three.
“A-hem.” They turned. Celestia was tapping her hoof against the floor. “Can we not focus, please?”
Discord whistled innocently, clasping his mismatched hands behind his back as a halo winked to life above his head. Luna’s nose scrunched up as her ears lay flat to her royal skull, her ethereal mane crackling with nervous electricity. There were very few things left in Equestria to be scared of, and an irritated Celestia ranked No. 2 on that list, just short of an encore attempt of the Cutie Mark Crusaders Elder God Summoners (Yeah!). Death was No. 3.
“Discord?” Celestia said to the draconnequus. “You may speak when Luna and I are finished.” Discord pulled a zipper across his mouth and flashed her a thumbs up. “Excellent. Now. Luna,” she glanced around for any other possible interruptions, but luckily none were stupid enough to present themselves, “what brings you to my office?”
Discord slunk away into the corner pocket of the Fourth Dimensional Billiards Plane, disappearing with a quiet pop. All distractions absent, Luna found she had completely forgotten what business had brought her here in the first place.
Celestia sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose between two hooves. There were times during her rule that she deeply regretted building the foundation of her country on a diarchy. Today would be one more, she decided.
“...Your magical demon scrying eye...?”
“Oh! Of course! We thank thee, dear sister. Sometimes Our mind leads us places Our hooves find difficult to follow,” she laughed to herself, a lovely sound that made Celestia want to uproot mountains and topple kingdoms.
“As We were saying, sister, We hath spent all morning long gazing into the untold mysteries buried deep within the vision of the Eye. It appears that a quite prominent mafioso recently met his end...a dastardly strike that reeks of foul play.”
Rummaging through the small pile of notes beside her tea set, Celestia levitated a folded sheet of paper to herself.
“How strange,” she deadpanned. “I myself have seen the same grim tidings.” Snorting in barely-restrained agitation, she tossed the sheets in front of her sister.
“...In yesterday’s newspaper.”
True enough, the prior day’s edition of the Canterlot Sun featured a front-page splash including a picture of the dead Don. CRIME KINGPIN CLOBBERED BY CRAZY KOOK, the Sun helpfully announced. ENTIRE CITY FAILS TO MOURN, it added.
“Your ‘vision’ is hardly newsworthy, Luna. The entire nation of Equestria somehow knew about one crime lord’s death an entire day before you divined it in your contraband eyeball.” Luna’s mouth opened and closed; the unholy energies of her most prized souvenir had failed her.
“But...how? That-that bastard of a demon! We were guaranteed a minimum of ten thousand sooths said per soul!” Celestia’s blank stare communicated entire ballads of profanity that mere words never could. “...Per gallon,” Luna backtracked softly.
A soft golden glow surround the scattered objects around Celestia’s room. Books reshelved themselves, furniture was reorganized, and everything that had been utterly destroyed was incinerated with increasingly bright flashes of pure celestial heat. That same field of telekinetic energy scooped Luna off of her hooves, none too gently, and began carrying her towards the door.
“Now if there is nothing else to discuss, little sister dear, I’d like to enjoy my last few moments of privacy...in private. Goodbye.” Luna squirmed and thrashed in her sister’s grip, but short of drawing blood she couldn’t break free of the magical hold.
“Sister, wait! -nngh- Th-there is more We must tell thee!”
“Oh, look at that. Sound barrier sigils inscribed on my door. I’d almost forgotten I had cast those there.”
“No, please, you must listen—”
“It’s like I can’t hear you already,” Celestia yawned. The doors began creaking shut between the two princesses.
“Celestia, do not dare to shut thy doors in Our face—”
“Oh, dear. They’re shutting...”
“We are going to—”
“Aaaaaand...they’re shut.”
Celestia’s bedroom sealed itself behind a pair of stout oak doors, three layers of protective barriers, and six separate repulsion sigils. Her bonds finally broken, Luna threw herself at the doors and hammered away at them with hooves and horn.
She had, of course, forgotten about the repulsion sigils.
A powerful blast of magic launched her down the hallway. Ponies that had gathered due to the commotion fell like bowling pins as the princess tumbled through them in a flurry of starlight and feathers. She dragged herself to her hooves, stumbled through the mass of dazed staff around her, and shouted with the full power of the Royal Canterlot Voice:
“WE WERE GOING TO TELL THEE, THOU STUCK-UP BI—”
“I assume you’re still yelling out there,” Celestia’s voice carried smugly through the door. “I thought you should know that I still can’t hear you.”
Luna roared and spat, stomping at the marble of the palace floor and gouging it with every strike of her hooves. Big sisters were the worst.
“We were going to tell thee,” she hissed under her breath, “that there is to be another.” She sighed in defeat and focused on repairing the damage done to her mane during the magical whiplash and ensuing tantrum.
From the ether between the tip of Luna’s left ear and a singularly unremarkable mote of dust floating by, Discord climbed out and began styling the princess’ mane with a large, pink, plastic brush.
“Is Celly being a big meanie, Lulu?” Discord hummed while he worked, absentmindedly scraping away the small made in Taiwan sticker on the brush. Pouting for effect, Luna dropped to her haunches and grouched.
“The biggest.”
Chuckling merrily, the draconequus finished filtering the last few flakes of marble from Luna’s mane and affixed it with a gaudy yellow bow. “So,” he continued, “I heard another Don is on his way to the top. Who’s going to stop him?”
“We had planned to with the help of Our sister,” Luna growled.
“Oh, but who’s to say a strong, upstanding mare like yourself can’t do it on her own? Just think!” Discord swept his companion up with an eagle’s claw, waving at a horizon neither of them could see. “You could be the hardboiled detective, wary of tricks at every turn and dead-set on rooting out the criminal mastermind! It’ll be just like one of those fancy movies you stupid ponies haven’t invented yet!” The princess wriggled out of his grasp, dropping silently to the floor on a cushion of air.
“Like...one of Our beloved novels of mystery and romance? Action and deceit?” The idea was appealing; Luna had become something of a heavy reader ever since her return from exile, and the works featuring Sherclop Holmes and Dick Hayseed were among her favorites.
“Exactly! Here’s your trenchcoat and your fedora.” Discord produced the clothing from a pocket of Nowhere, draping the dark brown trencher over the princess and tossing the hat on top. “Did you want a pipe or a cigar?”
In one hand he held a beautiful wooden pipe; in the other, a pack of leafy stogies. Luna pondered for a few seconds before selecting the pipe.
“There you are. Now go, little Lulu! Go hit the mean streets and take a bite out of crime’s lacy unmentionables!” Cackling with delight, Luna took wing and soared for the nearest window.
“Oh, no, wait,” Discord tittered as he grabbed a fistful of Luna’s tail. She remained anchored in the air, flapping furiously.
“What!?”
Tugging at his goatee, the spirit coolly ignored the agitated goddess in his paw.
“Loose-cannon lone-star detectives always die at the end of the story. That’s just basic trope theory,” he mused. “You’re going to need a partner. If Celestia’s not up for the job...I can’t help but notice that you ponies have had a remarkable surplus of princesses recently. Why not ask one of them?”
Comfortable in her favorite chair at the Golden Oaks Library, Princess Twilight Sparkle sneezed.