To:
Pavlina Solovyoy
28 Aleutskaya St
Vladivostok, Russia, Universe 5342
From:
Billing Department
The Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant
4th Wall Street
Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42
To whom it may concern:
Greetings, from the Cult of Pinkamena.
We regret to tell you that, due to the damaging actions caused by one Anatoni Solovyov , we are required to ask for that damage to be recompensed. Because we can no longer find Mr. Solovyov, we are charging you, his wife, as required by our Treasury department.
We are requesting that you pay us back to the amount of : 424,039 Equestrian Bits (Form Q-13 has the exchange rate for Russian rubles, along with other types of money)
Unless you contact us within the first 30 days, you will be considered overdue on your payment, and we will have no choice but to find other ways to collect on the delinquent bill.
As for the charges, this will be dealt with in two parts: The incident in which you are being charged for, and an itemized list of each reason the money is owed, along with said amount.
On August 10th, 2013 (Recipient's Time), we dispatched one of our Representatives to the location of Mr. Solovyov, 72 hours after the delivering of one of our letters to him. This is in accordance to our policies, and was in complete order.
According to the statements of said Representatives, one Lightning Rider (Representative Number: 25443, Race: Pegasus, Gender: Stallion), he states in his report that as he landed in the front yard of the location, he had smelled what had been described as a very strong odor of gasoline surrounding the place. However, this was not enough to deter our selfless Pegasus, as he walked up to the front door, and knocked on it.
This is, in his own words, "when everything went explodey and boomy and glowing!"
The house at the address given was subjected to immediate combustion and/or immolation, creating an explosive force that rendered the location unsurvivable for most creatures.
Do not fear, because for some reason, Lightning Rider's special talent is surviving things that, at first glance, should not have been survivable. Most times we cannot figure out how he does so, (we've already gone through three High Priests due to logic bombs trying to answer this question.) We are still trying to figure out exactly how he survived, but our best guess is he surfed the explosion via the front door. It makes as much sense as it sounds.
This being said, he still experienced major damage from landing in a house 4 blocks away, and was in critical condition for at least three days. The exact nature will be detailed in the itemization of damages.
The reason we are billing you for the damages is because we have, through extensive investigation, have determined that the front door was wired to a cache of explosives placed in the basement of the dwelling of Mr. Solovyov. The front door was pressure sensitive, so when Lightning Rider's hoof met the door, the trap went off. Along with this, we have found that the entire front and back yards were soaked in gasoline. (And by soaked, we are pretty sure that you could have fueled a small universe with it for a day). Therefore, this is sabotage, not accidental, and therefore we must asks for reparations.
While we cannot find the body, we have no idea if Mr. Solovyov is alive, dead, undead, or non-existent. Therefore, due to our policy, we must bill the next surviving family member, which is in this case, is the wife, which we assume is you. However, if you can prove name is alive, we will bill him instead. (And since he is still a chosen Participant, we will do so personally.)
As for the itemization of damages:
Medical Costs: 367,222 bits
Our doctors have had do several surgeries in the last few days to get Lightning Rider back onto a stable condition. It will take some more time before he will be able to resume his duties as a Representative. Fortunately, we had the necessary supplies from recent Ceremonies to be expedient with the surgeries. We even had a set of light yellow wings that we were able to graft onto his body, although it will take about a week before we can tell if they will be compatible. Plus side is his wings and body won't be three separate colors this time.
Investigation Costs: 54,327 bits
While we understand that your local police force is competent, we would wish that this matter be held discreetly and with the utmost care. Therefore, we sent two of our own Investigators, along with some security in case of secondary measures by (name). While we did this, we also had to recompense people for looking the other way, or excepting the story that we tell them. (Turns out your local police force is also quite easily bribed as well.)
Transportation Costs: 1,543 bits
It takes a decent amount of energy to cross the multiverse, more so for an emergency evacuation like we had to do for Lightning Rider. And since it takes money to get this energy, we are charging you for it.
Replacement Costs: 947 bits
There were several things in the possession of our Representative that were damaged or completely burned to a crisp, including his uniform (Which throws our High Priest of Fashion into a fit every time this happens. She designs each of those uniforms with care and love. At least she didn't faint on her couch this time.), his beacon (To signal for him to be retrieved by our Targeteers), and his lunch (He is most unhappy about this. It was his favorite meal). These all must be replaced.
Unfortunately, money does not grow on trees (we've tried), and while all members of the Church do this for their love of Her, they also do have expectations of being paid. Because of this, we must be expedient with recouping all losses.
This brings us to the matter at hand. You are in debt to the amount of 424,039, Equestrian. You may repay us in one of the following ways:
1) You may pay the amount, in full, within 30 days. We will not bother you again on this matter.
2) You may fill out form P-13, and mail it back to us. One of our Ministers of Finance will contact you to negotiate a payment plan that would allow you to pay back the debt in a piecemeal matter. We do not even charge interest of any kind, unlike most other businesses.
3) You may choose to work off this debt to the Church. We have plenty of positions here that need to be filled, anywhere from cleaning up a Ceremony Chapel, to licking stamps and filling envelopes, to cooking for our Cafeteria, to anything else we may have you do. While these are very low-end jobs, we do pay decently and provide you room and board while you repay us. And who knows? You might even want to join us on a more permanent basis. If this is the option that you wish to invoke, please fill out form P-14 and mail it back. We will contact you shortly.
Please remember that if you are overdue, we will pursue all methods available to us to collect on this payment. If you have any questions, feel free to contact us.
Her Will Be Done
Gint Keldor
High Priest of Finances (Owed)
P.S. We are not accepting any Zimbabwean money at this time. Please do not give us any trillion dollar notes in this currency.