After Richtofen's Endgame
From the eyes of Edward Richtofen and Samuel J. Stuhlinger
So, did you read ze comments Samuel?
Yep, what do they think this is, a full fledged story?
So many silly dumkoffs.
Hey, did you change your voice?
Ehh... Ja, let go vith zat.
So, we woke up, and Russman, just slept in. Can't blame him.
He is so old.
Yeah, I guess so.
So, ve vent to ze shower. You shtink Sammy.
You try finding running water in an apocalypse.
I did, it vas a waterfall. Zere vere screeching zombies, und a drunk Russian man, zat vas so wet... Oh, so wet.
Okay, so I cleaned up, and put on my old set of clothes, still dirty. Why did we do that?
Nevermind, something had to happen, so I went for breakfast, and saw Misty and that jerk, Marlton.
Marlton is a bit of a jackass, even zough he's ze only one I can speak to on a intellectual level.
"Sup!" I said.
"Hello Stuhlinger." Marlton said. "And salutations, Dr. Richtofen."
"Zank you Marlton."
"Where is Russman? Sleeping in like a lazy bum?" I fucking hate that guy.
"Yes, he is. Asshole."
"So, what are we waitin' for, dark pony thing?"
"We are waiting for a good friend, her name is Twilight Sparkle."
Pff, what a stupid name.
I zink it's nice.
You weren't born in the 1990's, were you?
Erm, I'd razzer not say vhen.
Erm... oh look, ve must get ze story moving now. Let's go~.
At that point, Russman came in, and boy was he tired.
"Oh, hello there Russman. Have you sufficiently rested up your body to the point where you won't collapse, especially in some unfavorable locations like, oh I don't know, the top of a huge stairway?"
"Fuck you Darlington," Russman said. "I don't need your crap."
"Yeah, me neither." I said.
Hmm, come to zink of it...
"Um, ja, excuse me, Princess?"
"Vhen are zey coming here?"
"Around noontime. Why?"
"To prepare, ja! Prepare."
"I, for one, agree with Richtofen. We will need sufficient time to prepare for the coming of this pony, Twilight Sparkle."
"And her friends."
We saw that Celestia came in, in a gown, and a crown.
"Hey-ey, it's the princess!" Misty yelled out.
"Good morning to you too, Misty."
I waved at the princess. She's scary.
Vhat? Vhy? She's so nice to me.
Yeah, that's the problem. She's too nice.
"Oh, and another thing." She said in a serious tone. Oh, I knew it!
"It seems that you coming here has caused... others to come too."
"Others?" Marlton asked, vell, nervously.
"Umm, how do you know?"
"I AM THE SHINIEST MEAT BICYCLE!!!"
Und zere he vas, a masked man, vith some kind of track pants, und a big axe. Oh, it looked so vunderbar.
"Holy, who the hell's that?"
"Big, brutal blood-letters, being brutally, bad, badass bastards, becoming beasts before bones bomb benign, bloodily!"
"Oh, alteration. How good." I said, clapping. He was ripped too, nyah ha.
Are you sure you're not gay, or anything?
"Umm, he scares me."
"SCARY MEANS FEAR, AND FEAR IS YUMMY, LIKE BACON AND EGGS!!!"
"Oh dear, he seems to be suffering from Manic... GYAH!" Darlington was grabbed by the collar by that scary guy with the buzzsaw axe. I hope he kills him.
"Ah, let go of me! You are unclean!"
"Hey! Drop him!" Misty yelled at the dude. He just stared, creepily if you ask me.
I zink he vould have a field day at mein vorld.
I think he'd make me have a field day, in my pants.
"Fine then pretty lady!"
"Pretty la... AHH Oh... auugh, the floor, so dirty..."
"The only difference between you four and him is that he needs to go home, which we will do."
Und zen Celestia did ze magics und zen zat guy disappeared.
Good, he scared me so much... oh God.
"Well, that was different. I probably would've liked the guy." Russman said.
"Oh yes, like the guy who touched me, dropped me, and threatened me."
"Shut up Darlington."
The nerd just got up from his ass, and walked over to the seat. At that point, I saw something, and knew what to do.
"What?" Oh, he was pissed alright.
"You got blood on your shirt."
"Oh ja, blood."
"What? On my... auugh, nooo! Someone disinfect this, disinfect, AUUHHGH!!!"
Sucks to be you, Darlington.
"Well, I suppose..."
"Your highness, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony are here."
"Thank you, Braveheart. Let them in, and take them to me."
'Braveheart' nodded and left. Now I wanted to know one thing. Misty thought the same thing as me?
"The hell are the 'Elements of Harmony'?"
"Ah, yes, they are Equestria's most potent defense against threats."
"Is it like... nuclear physics of some kind?"
"What's nuclear?" Oh Celestia, you just made me happy man by letting Marlton get a look of shock.
"Oh, okay then..." Und he slipping into his seat. He is sad, so sad.
Several minutes, we heard some walking noises. "Here they come." I said.
"'Bout damn time." Misty got up, and so did Marlton.
Zis vill be fun.
We soon saw six... pony-things come in. One was purple. One was white. One was yellow.
Oh for... let me describe zem!
Ze Purple one vas a unicorn, because of ze horn, und she vas vearing a skirt, vith a button-up shirt. Fitting. Purple hair, vith a pink and purple stripe. Zen, zere vas a white unicorn, vith really curly hair.
How the fuck did she do something like that?
Maybe a lot of hairgel? Anyvay, she vas vearing a button-up shirt, und dress pants. Zere vas an orange Earth Pony, dressed kinda like Misty, except not as provocative. Und ze hat, ze hat. Und zen ze pink one, dressed in all pink, pink jeans, pink shirt, she liked pink.
My... Our eyes are kinda hurting.
Zen a blue, rainbow-maned one, vearing sports clothes.
And a yellow one, in a green hoodie. Hey, long-ass, pink hair.
"Princess, are these the creatures you told us about?" The purple one said.
"Well, who else could it be?" Misty said.
"Huh, kinda sounds like you Applejack."
Applejack? Ha, sounds like that cereal thing.
"So, these things are... not from here?" The white one said, in a fancy-ass accent.
"Indeed. I am Marlton Johnson, indisputable genius!"
"And a douche." It was true. I could see the glare from him.
"Name's Misty, we've been fighting in a disaster world, we're here now. Whoop-de-do!"
"Name's Russman, and I am too old for fighting, but I did it. Can't even remember a time I didn't fight. Wait, where am I? Who are you, huge white thing?"
"Oh, vunderbar, Russman lost his memory, again."
"Long story, My name's Samuel, and the guy who roommating with me is Edward, not Ed, Edward."
"Glad you remember Sammy. Now, about ze facial hair..."
"No. Fucking. Way."
"Wow, they're crude." Rainbow head said.
"Indeed." Marlton replied.
A long silence. Ze tension is killing mein head.
Yeah, and killing my stomach.
Zat reminds me, how vas ze salad last night?
Vell zat is vhy you are fat und ugly.
You are a jerkface, you know that?
"Very well." The princess started off. "We will let you decided on your living conditions when you go to Ponyville."
"Ponyville, really?" What the fuck man?
I zink it's clever.
"Yes Samuel, really."
"Alright, what can we eat there?"
"I can make some splendorific cupcakes for everyone!" The pink one yelled.
"I am intolerant to sugar and dairy."
"And I don't think it is a good idea to eat cake on account of my old age."
"Well, I don't care you two, CUPCAKES!!!"
"You vill only have one, two if you behave."
"Aww, come oooon!"
"You need to lose ze weight Samuel."
"Eeyup, you do." Misty agreed vith me. Ja.
"Fine, let us go to this Ponyville and finally live out the rest of our lives in peaceful non-violence." Marlton said as a know-it-all would say it.
Vith no reason to argue, ve vent to ze train station, und ve left.
Hey, Sammy. Sammy. Sammy Sammy Sammy Sammy. SAMMY!!! SAMMY!!!
Ve apparently don't exist.
Umm, who gives a shit?
Ah ah, don't say it!