Celestia, despite looking calm and collected to her citizens as she marched through the town with 2 robots with different styles, 1 robot that was carrying Princess Luna and staring blankly at her, another with a tonne of swag and a pan, and two other creatures that were simply trailing behind and saying nothing but with one glancing worriedly at Celestia and the other giving a death-glare, she was mentally slapping herself repeatedly. With Twilight's heaviest, hard-back edition of Seethin' King's 'It'.
Why. Why would you do that?! her mind was screaming at her, whilst ordering several more copies of the book to use for slapping purposes. Yes, Celestia, you're probably in heat. But you've been around for Faust-damned centuries! You've gotten used to it, you've overcome it! These humans and their strangely adorable mechanical friends are not to be flirted with. Leave them be, they go home, then you can...I don't know, go flirt with that rather dashing guard that seems lonely, or something. Just stop trying to touch the humans in an overly-friendly way.
Sniper's eyes were unblinking as he glared at Celestia. Some ponies were trying not to laugh as it looked as though he was staring at her flanks. But actually, not blinking was a thing for him; his bloodstream literally consisted of coffee from the amount he drank per day to keep himself awake, and he couldn't blink much whilst looking through the scope, lest he miss the Spy coming behind Medic for a bit of back-pokey-pokey with his knife. And to be honest with himself, he didn't care if he looked like a perverted creature to these ponies: Their ruler, supposed to be the most mature, was literally trying to get into his and Engineer's pants.
Sniper simply growled to himself. To Engi, it just sounded like Sniper being...Sniper. But in reality, he was desperately trying not to just pull out his SMG and pump everything full of holes. Except the robot of him. He'd managed to relate to that robot: Neither did anything outwardly social or funny, both (probably) wanted to go home, and both liked Luna. She hadn't really done any speaking at him to start conversation, and she seemed the type who would always be grumpy.
So he had a slight want to do another friendship-thing with her, like he did with Engineer when he helped him defend while the other REDs cowered. But, his attention then turned to Engineer, who was being...Engi.
Dell Conagher, RED Team Engineer, builder of weapons of mass slaughter, long range teleportation, and munitions dispensing, as well as hard-boiled Texan labourer, liked that horse.
He genuinely did like Princess Celestia: partly in the manner of love her, care for her, hug her, teach her to fight, then have her as a supporting class for RED team where she would become his mighty steed, and help him become master of the Badlands, but mostly because he enjoyed her company far too much. She seemed a lot more flirtatious than any human woman he'd met, and had encouraged him to chuckle quite a bit with a few one-liners about how old she was and that she's already done it all.
But still: She was a pony. What the hell happened that made him become pretty much her 'secret admirer' or whatever it was that Scout would always be to that Miss Pauling woman? Engineer didn't know, but he sure as hell didn't like it, and his only assumption was that she was doing something with his mind. So he'd either have to stop her, or just let it happen, or leave this dimension somehow.
But then he nearly stopped in his tracks, and looked over to Sniper. If it was happening to Engineer, was it happening to his Australian companion? Casting his goggled eyes over to the Huntsman, but only turning his head slightly to see the tall man, and he could only be assumed that the Australian was staring at the back-end of the white goddess in front of him, and from Engineer's point of view of having to look up at Sniper's face, he was enjoying the view.
Sniper's finger was twitching. He was imagining his hand was carrying his beloved SMG, and that he had the option to unload all 25 rounds at will. But he wasn't, and that's what aggravated him most. He didn't like this; the ponies, the robots, the place, and after years of nothing but violence and jars of his own urine being used to defend himself from angry French men, he hated how ludicrously peaceful it was. Yes, he envied the fact these little animals led peaceful lives, almost innocent. Yes, he envied that they could wake up every morning and not risk being bludgeoned, shot, stabbed, gibbed, sentry'd, backstabbed, covered in piss or 'non-milk substances', incinerated, drowned, falling to their deaths, decapitated, hit by trains, crushed, telefragged, or worse. But most of all, he envied how happy they were with their families and friends.
His only real friend was Engineer, considering the dodgy looks RED and BLU give him and his blue counterpart as they go by. He could acknowledge that they disliked him for not being 'out there', not running around with his SMG and killing all in his way, or that he couldn't '360 noscope headshot' like BLU Sniper does almost every day. But he still couldn't get his head around the fact that he receives nearly as much abuse as Medic; Spy stubs his cigarettes on Sniper's belongings and dead bodies, Heavy 'accidentally' drops bologne on his rifle, Demoman tries coating his weapons in scrumpy for added 'och aye, laddie, the noo', Medic sawing the stocks from his rifle for use in projects, and all of them save Engineer stealing his hats to use with the crafting device or keys to open crates.
He'd lost so many Panama hats to that damned machine. And at a glance around, he noticed so many ponies wore them like every day things. It was almost like an honour for Sniper to find a hat lying by the roadside, on a rock, or in a bin. Yet it seemed to happen to the others almost every day. He remembered when he got his first hat, and closed his eyes with a smile.
A bloody battle ensued around Sniper as he dived for cover behind a rock. As a rocket zipped past, he watched its trajectory, only to see it plow into Engineer's dispenser and sentry, destroying both at once. The Texan was just about to draw his shotgun, when he let out a loud cry of pain; as he dropped to his knees and fell to the Dustbowl floor, the BLU Spy stood behind him, smirking and adjusting his tie. Clearly, Spy had been underestimating RED in the first few weeks of battle, so Sniper figured he should teach him a lesson.
At 2800 feet per second.
Aiming a loose shot in Spy's direction, there was a loud yell as the Frenchman dropped like a stone, crashing to the wreckage of the Sentry and impaling himself on one of the twisted barrels. The Australian smirked, lowering his rifle to his waist, and peeping around the corner. Engineer would respawn, who cared about the Texan anyway? He had a Sentry, he didn't need anything to do with Sniper, nor Sniper to do with Engi. Around the side of the rock, the sight of BLU Soldier came into view. He was carrying the usual missile launcher, but with a small backpack slung onto his back. What caught Sniper's eye most, and causing him to gasp, was the fact his helmet was different. Strapped around the tin helmet was a large, dark blue band, holding onto a pair of playing cards and a pack of cigarettes.
Sniper looked on in amazement: Nobody had changed their hat before. And Soldier dared to make it like that? Wow, Sniper had quite a bit of respect for that man. Still amazed, he stared, even as the Soldier marched right up to his rock, grabbed his face with a slightly evil cackle, and shoved him to the floor. Sniper scrambled back to a nearby barrel, before watching as Soldier raised his shovel.
"You will NOT turn my battlefield into a camping ground, Shiela!" barked the American trooper, raising his gardening implement of doom. "This is war, and I LOVE IT!"
"B-But you have a hat!" Sniper replied, pointing to his helmet. "N-Nobody's changed their 'eadgear, mate! Why now?" Soldier paused, and removed the helmet and gingerly placed the shovel on the floor. The trooper sat down in front of Sniper, and gestured to the band.
"This band has served me well in my career of earning medals and gibbing Scotsmen." he began. "In Vietnam, I was strangling Charlie with it, and then leaving that soldier alone to have a smoke and play Poker! I didn't wear this at the start of this job, because I didn't think I'd be killing maggots like YOU. I put 1 and 1 and 1 together yesterday, and the answer was five, and this hat. If you want a hat, you make one or buy one, Shiela, just like your maggot team is doing right now!" Sniper blinked.
"So that's where those wankers are..." he murmured, before looking to Soldier, who was in the process of replacing his helmet, picking up his shovel, and glaring down at Sniper. He pointed the edge of the tool to Sniper's throat, who raised his hands defensively.
"Since you do not understand the Mann Co. Store, I will let you live, if you let us cap these points." Soldier snarled. "And tell your maggot team-mates they would have won if they had bought hats EARLIER." The Soldier promptly kicked Sniper his rifle, who staggered to his feet and blinked at the BLU through his sunglasses. "You best get going, maggot, if you don't want to be killed in the after slaughter. Go back to your base, and hide behind some boxes with the Mann Co. Catalog, and make sure to have your hat by next week, numnuts, or you will be the hatless!" Sniper flicked his eyes up to his current hat, then at Soldier.
"Thanks, mate." he nodded, before grabbing his rifle and sprinting away. Not even seconds later, the announcer came over the speakers.
"YOU'VE FAILED!" she practically screamed. After a short sprint, Sniper ran into the spawn, moved a couple of crates to a corner, grabbed a catalog, and did what he did best: he hid. The darkness behind the crates was making it difficult to know what was happening outside, but judging by the Engineer shouting 'Help me!' outside the door, followed by a loud scream and a minigun firing, it wasn't pretty.
It took several hours for the lights to be flicked off, and Sniper was able to safely jump out from behind his wall of boxes. After he was certain the footsteps were gone from outside the building, he carefully pulled up the Spawn door. Outside, it was dark, with blood still soaking into the sand and spent cases everywhere. The wind whistled quietly though the wreckage of Engineer's buildings, and the sound of coyotes howling in the distance was heard. Sniper grinned. It was now perfectly safe for him to go back to his van, and begin his hat hunt. If even the Soldier let him go since he had no hat but interests in them, a hat could save his life, apparently. With the idea of the perfect hat set in his mind, the Australian began the slow walk back to his Camper. He knew what he'd do: stop at a roadside restaurant, sit on his own, get a coffee, and read the catalog. Nothing would interrupt, and he could really think about this Soldier offer.
The sound of clearing up in the kitchen was faintly audible as Sniper sat in a window cubicle. The comfortable red seats and metal-edged tables gave it a nice feel, and the absolute silence of the night outside set a nice mood that Sniper had always loved. He loved the night. He could be alone. Sipping his coffee, he checked the contents of the magazine.
"Guns..." he quietly murmured. "Espionage, knives, handguns, personal defence, Jarate courses...HATS." Sniper grinned, noting the page number and quickly flicking to it. He had his hopes high, and they were...slightly dashed at the limited selection. The smile dropped from his face as he realised there was only one hat that'd suit him and his style. It was a nifty little number called the Trophy Belt, which seemed to be a simple band containing crocodile teeth which clipped to the front of his hat. It was only $20 as well, so easily affordable, but still not as satisfying since there were less he could wear.
Just then, somebody sat down opposite him. The sound of a wooden object being placed down next to him was heard, and a rubbery snap as a glove came off. There was then a plastic 'clonk' as a helmet of some sort came off and onto the table. Sniper flicked his eyes up, and to his surprise, the Engineer was sat just there, giving him a small smile. He wasn't wearing his usual hard-hat, which was sat just in front of him on the table, and to Sniper's surprise, where his glove used to be was a mechanical hand, made of black steel and red metalwork and wires.
"Howdy." Engi greeted, giving a small wave with his metal hand. Sniper just grunted and carried on reading and drinking coffee. "Uh...Desmond Mundy, was it?"
"Call me Sniper." replied...Sniper. Engineer dropped his smile slightly and sighed.
"Um...good battle today, huh?" he asked.
"Nope."
"Erm...OK...that the new Mann Co. Catalog?"
"Mmhmm."
"Nice. What're y'all lookin' at?"
"Hats."
"Hats? A gun company sells hats?"
"They sell fish, aboriginal shields, spanners, cooking knives, gatling guns, garden tools, explosives, and bottles of rum, yet you find it strange that they sell hats, mate?"
"Well, I suppose. It's just that none of us wear different hats. Ever."
"BLU Soldier started wearing that band with the cigarettes and cards in, though. He even let me go so I could go and read this catalog after hours, so I suppose that it's a good thing I showed an interest in hats."
"Hmm, I guess y'all have a point there. Anythin' caught your eyes?"
"Well, this Trophy Belt thing looks pretty good." Sniper turned the magazine around to face Engineer, who looked to the page with a grin.
"That'd suit y'all, partner." he nodded. "I'm likin' the look of that Minin' Light. It'd work with my hard-hat, don'tcha think?"
"Yeah, that's a nice hat actually." Sniper smirked. "Considerin' how Solly put the band around his, you'd think they'd have done this earlier."
"Y'all got that right." Engineer chuckled as he leaned back in his chair. "Hell, ya'd think that these would come with those weapons they made. Like for Spy, they made that snazzy Ambassador revolver, so you'd expect a nice hat with that, right?"
"Yeah."
"Exactly. So I'm saying that, say, that Officer's Ushanka would probably work with that Natascha gun they made fer Heavy."
"Good point. I think a Trophy Belt would be nice with Jarate lessons."
"Say, what is that Jarate stuff? Every time y'all throw it, BLU team literally beg for us to kill them."
"Ehhh, ya'd better not know about it, I think. It's pretty weird."
And so, the two men spent a good few hours talking. Not as colleagues, but as friends.
He opened his eyes with a sigh, smile still on his face. A short tap on his shoulder shook him out of it, and the smile dropped as he remembered where he was. Stood to his side was that Twilight Sparkle horse, looking up at him expecting an answer, he assumed.
"Yeah?" he said casually. Twilight frowned.
"Have you really not listened for this whole time?" she groaned, facehoofing. "I said, we're nearly at the library, get ready to get your things." Sniper just nodded, and carried on looking ahead. "What were you even thinking about that made you stare at my mentor?"
"Ah, just rememberin'." Sniper chuckled. "Thinkin' 'bout the night Engi sat down opposite me in the bar, an' we looked at a hat catalog. Next day, we were defendin' Teufort alone when the other 7 were out on tasks."
"Well..." Twilight began. "You sound like you've done that before, what makes it special to you?"
"Hats, Shiela." Sniper responded hastily, gesturing to the crocodile teeth around his hat. "Without hats on our battlefields, you're a loser. And since they were introduced, I've been wearin' an apple on me head, a Vampire Huntin' hat, a pith helmet, antlers, an' all sorts. Not to mention the other things they sell, which come under miscellaneous items, like a Nano-Fibre bandana, cowboy boots, medals, sweaters, pipes! I don't think there's been one day when I haven't seen Spy running out without a hat on, or his suit regular, since Mann Co sells him fancy shirts and hats. That's why I'm wearing this hat; so I'm not a loser."
Well, that's...interesting..." Twilight nodded slowly, looking worried. "So that hat you're wearing means a lot to you?"
"First hat I ever got." he smiled. "I can remember it now..." Sniper closed his eyes, and looked up.
The outback sun beat down on Sniper's neck like-
"No, no more flashbacks." Twilight said firmly. Sniper sighed, and hung his head with a frown.
"Engineer?" Celestia said politely.
"Yes, ma'am?" he responded, moving forward to be in line with her.
"Would you happen to know anything about these machines that follow you and run rampant through Canterlot?"
"Nope." he replied with a shrug. "Hell, these robots ain't even RED, they're BLU. Why would a RED build a BLU robot, I might ask ya?"
"Hmm, I suppose that's a valid point. But they also seem to be of a different design to your devices, so I suppose it does rule that possibility out."
"Damn right. Nice Stout Shako, by the way. What'd y'all trade for it?"
"Two of my shoes. It isn't a problem, I have plenty more. And that robot seems to like them." she smiled, gesturing to Demopan-bot. He was holding both shoes in each hand, as well as a small pile of refined metal in the same hand as one shoe. He wiggled his fingers, pressed it all together, and pulled his hands apart, revealing he had crafted...
Teufort Tooth-Kickers
"Boh!" Demopan-bot growled, before throwing the boots over his shoulder. The shoes obviously appealed to Sniper-bot, who knelt down and picked them up, before putting them on almost instantaneously.
"Thanks mate." he said to Demopan, raising a thumb.
"Aye!" Demopan replied, before holding 3 more pieces of refined metal. Once more, he pushed them together and...
The Double-Cross Comm
Sniper promptly spat out all of his coffee he wished he had. "Bloody hell!" he gasped, before running past Twilight and tapping Demopan on the shoulder.
"Double-Cross Comm," Demopan began, gesturing to the bandana, "For three refined." Sniper's smile went huge.
"Yeah!" replied the Australian quickly, before dumping three refined from his pockets into Demopan's waiting hand. Sniper quickly put the mouth-piece on, and felt in power.
"Thanks, mate!" Demopan laughed, before crafting again in an instant.
Stout Shako
"Haha." Demopan laughed, before placing the hat carefully in his pan. He then sprinted ahead to the library, and positioned himself in front of a door-guard, and said his lines to the confused young guard. Celestia simply smiled.
"If you say that's based on your co-worker," she chuckled to Engineer, "Then you must have interesting discussions around the water cooler." Both of the pair began to laugh at the joke, causing a smile in Twilight, who watched the whole thing.
I knew that Engineer was good inside. But...Sniper...I don't know. I should probably work at him until he at least starts conversations of his own accord and without pulling a knife, right?