Job Interviews!
Yeah, I hate them too. But they’re just something you have to endure. Or so I’ve heard—don’t have much experience with them. Bon Bon had helped me get all the boring stuff out of the way, which was mainly sorting out my credentials (or lack of them), so the rest was down to me.
We had singled out the perfect place for me to work: the bowling alley. I love bowling and I’m pretty good at it (I beat Rainbow Dash every time, trust me); so Bon Bon thought it would be good to be in a place that houses a sport I’m passionate about. It would keep me from getting too bored, at least. If I got the job, I would be cleaning bowling balls, pins, sometimes running the counter... typical stuff.
“Good luck, hun,” Bon Bon said to me, kissing my cheek before I left the house.
I fastened the straps on my saddlebags and kissed her right back. “Thanks, sweetie. You’ve been a blessing.”
“That’s not what you say when we’re banging,” she shot back with a mischievous grin. Not many ponies know this—Bons is pretty down to earth and acts pretty normal—but when we had our special times... yeah, she could be a bit ruthless to me.
We shared a quick nuzzle before I headed out of the door. And yeah, I was nervous. Going into a job interview with only your personality to back you up tends to make you feel very vulnerable. But, I thought that my determination to get this job would make me look desireable in my future employer’s eyes.
The bowling alley was, as expected, busy with ponies throwing balls down the lanes. The sound of the balls smashing into the pins and knocking them down always felt to satisfying to me. Even more so if it was you who just got a strike.
One of the ponies playing today was Allie Way. I was pretty good at the game, but she excelled at it. I’ve never even tried to beat her at her own game, but she does seem like a pretty nice mare, if a little tall. A short distance away from her, I saw Rainbow Dash, grumbling grumblingly. I guess she just got her flank handed to her. Again.
And that’s when I thought of a great idea. Rainbow was a real leader, who could inspire almost everypony. Probably even that cranky donkey that just moved in. No doubt she would be able to fill me up with courage and pump me up for the interview!
I trotted over and gave her a pat on the back. “Hey Dash. Lose again?”
Rainbow shook me off, narrowing her eyes at Alleyway. “Only ‘cause she has magic. If she didn’t, I’d totally whoop her flank.”
I nodded. “Uh-huh.” I’d been through this a couple of times before, so this was just an automated response on my part.
Rainbow snorted and turned to me. “Whatever. Up for a game, Harpflank?”
I raised a hoof. “Would if I could, but I can’t. Got a job interview here in a couple minutes.”
She quirked an eyebrow. I can’t really say I blamed her. Words like ‘job’ and ‘work’ were at the bottom of my word list. “Huh. Cool.” She lightly punched my shoulder. “Nice one.”
“Thanks.” My hoof found itself rubbing my foreleg instinctively. “But I’m a little nervous, to be honest.”
“I don’t blame you. You won’t be talking to an awesome boss like me.” She grinned and prodded her chest.
I gave her a flat look. “Not helping, Dash. What would be awesome would be if you gave me a little drive and got me warmed up before I go in.”
She shrugged, then started hovering above me. “Alright, sure. Just say that you can do this.”
I was skeptical, expecting a little more, but I went ahead and did it anyway. “I can do this.”
Rainbow faked a yawn. “C’mon, I know you can do louder than that.”
I shuffled, then spoke out in a louder voice, bordering on a shout. “I can do this.”
My ‘coach’ raised her hooves repeatedly. “Louder.”
I frowned, yet still did as she asked. “I can do this.”
“Seriously, you’re worse than Fluttershy! C’mon, Harpbutt!”
I blinked, then cleared my throat and took in a deep breath. I was Lyra Heartstrings, and I was a not a Fluttershy! I counted to three in my head, then bellowed, “I can do this!! YEEEEEEAH!!!”
And then I heard the pin drop. Or rather, somepony’s bowling ball. The only thing I heard was it rolling down a lane, then lightly knocking over a pin. Everypony was giving me shocked looks.
Well this backfired horribly.
My cheeks started warming up as Rainbow gave me an approving nod. “A bit much, but you’re ready.” I tried to protest, now feeling embarrassed on top of nervous, but she started pushing me towards the counter. I attempted to fight back, believe me I did, but because it was a bowling alley, my hooves just started slipping all over the place on the hard, shiny floor. That just made me fall down over myself repeatedly. The end result was basically Rainbow rolling me across the floor like I was a giant hamster ball.
“Rainbow! Stop!!!” I protested, my body continually colliding with the floor. All I could see was blur. She just snickered and kept going.
“Why stop now? You’re so close, can’t back out now.” Yeah, she was enjoying this way too much. But to be honest, I might have just bolted out of the place if I could, so she was doing me a service. An embarrassing, bruising service. I must have picked up whatever Derpy has, because this was ridiculous.
She rolled me up to the front counter, where a light blue stallion was standing. His face was marked by acne. “Got your future employee right here!” she proclaimed, as I stopped, slumped against the counter and groaned.
Rainbow helped me up to my hooves. I stumbled around for a bit, but I was no worse for wear. Except I would be in the morning. Already, I was plotting my revenge (dressing Rainbow as a baby? I think so). The stallion, definitely just a teenager, just looked at me funny. “Lyra Heartstrings,” I managed to say. “Here for an interview...”
He nodded, then went into a door behind him. I took the opportunity to clean myself up and regain my senses. Rainbow did help, but she only really patted down my hair, which is naturally scruffy anyway. A few seconds later, he came out, saying, “Mr. Turkey will see you now.”
Both Rainbow and I did a double take. Mr... Turkey? I don’t even—oh, that’s right; the bowling term. Sometimes, I think our naming system in Equestria needs a rehaul—I could’ve been called Klangfarbenmelodie. I’m serious, that’s an actual music term. Look it up.
Anyway, where was I? Mr. Turkey, right. Oh Goddess... I was trying so feathering hard not to laugh, while Rainbow had the pleasure of doing so without repercussions. “Mr. Turkey?!” she cried, holding her stomach, which was in constant motion. “Are you being serious?”
“Er, y-yes I am,” the stallion stammered.
I had to move, or risk exploding. Clenching my lips together, I leaped over the counter in such a way that would’ve impressed Applejack, then trotted to the door. I shut the door behind me, but could still hear Dash laughing. Damn it, Rainbow.
I came into a small office, with a large window fitted with blinds at the back. In front of that was a desk, a stallion sitting on a chair that I could only presume was Mr. Turk—my future employer.
“Hello, Miss Heartstrings.” He gestured with a yellow foreleg at the wooden chair opposite him. “Please, sit down.”
I walked over (on carpet, thank Celestia) and took my seat. The desk looked fairly worn, but sturdy, with various papers gathered on top. I unfastened my saddlebag and took out my own, forwarding them to the stallion.
He pointed to a glass of water on the desk. “Have a drink if you feel the need to. I’ll just look over your files.”
Then my mind slapped my brain. Bon Bon had already sent my credentials to him earlier, and I had just given him a copy. Maybe he would’ve thought I was being extra organised, as opposed to being extra stupid?
Yeah, I thought that was a long shot too.
The water looked really good right then, so I took a swig of it, then wiped my mouth afterwards. He had a neutral expression on his face, his emerald eyes scanning the pages. After a couple of tense, agonizingly long minutes, he put them down neatly. “Sorry for the wait, Miss Heartstrings. Let’s begin?” I nodded. He examined me, then casually asked, “Why have you picked us as the place where you would like to work?”
Oh, this was an easy one! I put on the best smile I could and answered with, “Because I love bowling and really enjoy the atmosphere you’ve created here!”
He smiled. It was small, but it was a smile. My mind was having a party at this point; I answered confidently, and gave him a compliment at the same time! Surely that’d boost my chances. “Heh, I have seen you down the alleys. You’re very good.”
And then the party in my brain turned into a rave. “Thank you, sir!”
“Heh. Moving on.” He leant back in his chair. “What makes you think you would be suited for the job?”
Okay, that was tougher. I had a little pause before I answered, but I still rose to the challenge. “As I said in the last question, I am passionate about bowling, so I’d love to do my best to make it even better for everypony.”
Mr. Turkey nodded once. He glanced down at my files for a couple of seconds, then rested his weight against the desk. He sighed, rubbing at his brow, then looked at me. It was somewhat of a somber look, so I started fidgeting, my smile becoming more strained. “Miss Heartstrings... just from looking at your papers, I can tell that you have zero experience whatsoever.” My heart sank. I became still. “If you dropped out of college, how can I trust you not to drop out of this?”
I wish I could tell you that I defended myself, but I can’t. He was right and I was speechless.
Another sigh escaped from him, as he ran a hoof through his brown mane. “To be honest, Miss Heartstrings... I don’t think you will find work in Ponyville at all.”
My eyelids flickered. “… what?”
“You have acquired a reputation in these parts for being...” He waved a hoof around, trying to think of the best way to put it across. “... lazy. And a drunkard.”
The first part: true. The latter? Totally unfair. Okay, maybe I did have a problem back when I first moved into Ponyville, but that was all behind me now. At least I thought it was. Seems the consequences were finally catching up with me.
“As a result, I’m simply afraid that I cannot give you the job.” He handed my files back. His tone had a certain finality to it.
I felt the need for a glass of water, so I tried to get out of there as quick as I could. I gave him a hoofshake, then said thanks, trying to hide the tremble in my voice. Then I briskly left. Rainbow was stood by the counter, waiting for me. She flew up to me when she noticed me. “That was quick. I guess you sure showed him, huh?”
I hung my head low and headed for outside. “No, Rainbow. I didn’t.”
“Oh.” I heard her land beside me as we exited the building. “How bad was it?”
“Bad enough that my chances of getting a job here are utterly destroyed?” I should’ve known as much. Ponyville was built on reputation. There are reasons why Sugarcube Corner is so popular and why the Apple family is so successful. Me? I was a failure when I came here, so I still was now.
I saw her flinch a little. “Ouch...”
I stopped. That was all she had to say? No words of encourage or comfort? “Ouch?!” I shouted, taking a step towards her, scowling. “I’m doomed to a life of laziness and failure and all you can say is ouch?!”
That definitely caught her off guard. I could tell because her wings were suddenly flared out. “Hey, don’t—” She stopped herself and growled, probably preventing a trademark ranty Rainbow remark. “Look, it seems bad now, but there’s a way outta this. There’s gotta be; always is. And getting all ragey about it ain’t gonna help you get there.”
I flicked my tail, still a little peeved. But she was right, at the end of the day. My journey to the top just got a little narrower and longer, that was all. “Yeah, yeah. I hear you.” I started walking off. “Gonna think a bit.”
Rainbow said goodbye or something, then took off. I was currently finding the ground more interesting, or rather, my thoughts. I felt this heavy sense of dread hang over me and a single question danced around in my head.
Had I wasted my life?
I’ve lived for over twenty years now. And what do I have to show for it? My greatest achievement is being with the most wonderful pony in the world, my Bon Bon. But that’s only one thing. Everypony I know has far more things to their names. Bons had her own candy stand, and had worked for that since she moved to Ponyville. Colgate was a dentist and always had a perfect smile. Berry had gotten out of alcoholism and had her own business, selling wines she made herself.
Me? My greatest achievement is sitting funny.
I trudged along, spewing in my thoughts, too occupied pay attention to anything else. That turned out into a big mistake, since I soon felt myself collide into something hard. I heard a grunt as I was knocked back, then something fell onto the floor. I gazed down and saw a fresh baguette, the salad it had spilling onto the ground. My mind made the connection instantly and I snapped my head up to see Raindrops standing there. Her face fell.
Crap. She had been in a rare good mood, and I just ruined that. “... oops. Sorry,” I said, but the cloud of depression was still over me at this point, so I didn’t sound very sincere.
Raindrops was silent for a few moments, a frown forming on her face. I prepared for the inevitable grumpiness that was to come. “You ruined my lunch.”
“You can just get a new one,” I offered, hoping it would deter her. “No big deal.”
Raindrops snorted, then shot me a glare. “Not a big deal? You just ruined my lunch!” Now, it’s things like this that make me really dislike her. A normal pony in this situation would’ve apologised for bumping into me, I would apologise back, then they would be off on their way to buy more lunch. Raindrops was not a normal pony.
“It cost you, what, three bits?” I snarked.
She started growling. Great. Somepony should’ve alerted the medics, because I thought her blood pressure was going to skyrocket. “You still ruined my lunch.”
I rolled my eyes. “Here we go with the grumpiness. It's just lunch.”
“Well how would you like it if I bumped into you and ruined your lunch?” she shot back.
“I'd get over it and buy some more? Y'know, like an adult?” She was acting a bit immature. I could understand her anger if she was desperately hungry or poor, but she wasn’t either of those things. She was doing better than me, actually, so she had no reason to start raging now.
“Excuse me?” She tensed up and stepped forward. “You might wanna watch your mouth.” I have never seen a fat pegasus. They’re just all lean and Raindrops was more so than most. I knew very well that she could pound me into the ground without second thoughts.
I wasn’t too intimidated though, since we had been through this routine too many times to count. “And you should watch yours, because that sounded like a threat.”
“Probably 'cause it was.”
I put on a ridiculous grin. “And I'm sure beating me up will go swimmingly with the gendarmes!”
“Sheesh. Drama queen much?” Hypocrisy, thy name is Grumpy.
“Says the pony who threatened me? For just, y'know, accidentally ruining their lunch?” Sure, I didn’t like Raindrops, but that didn’t mean I’d go out of my way to ruin her day. I suppose one positive she has is that she’s the same way. We’re like cats in a bag, except I’m the nice cat that purrs a lot and she’s Opalescence.
Now it was her turn to roll her eyes. “Whatever, look, just pay for the bread, and we'll call it even.”
Had I not been in such a bad mood from earlier, I would’ve laughed. “Er, no. Not after you threatened me like that.”
“Hey, fair's fair.” She held out her forehoof and gestured for bits. “Pay up.”
I stomped my hoof on the ground, causing Raindrops to withdraw hers. “No way! I'm having a bad enough day as it is, without having to pay lunch money to a bully.”
She snorted and gave me an unimpressed look. “So you're gonna ruin my lunch, and not even compensate me for it? Tch, typical.”
I blinked, then coughed. “Excuse me?”
“Just saying, it figures you wouldn't take responsibility,” she explained, shrugging.
Okay, I wasn’t going to take that lying down. I frowned deeply, then shouted, “Hey! I take responsibility well enough, thank you!”
Then she had the nerve to scoff. “Since when?”
“Since I'm trying to get work, that's when!” Maybe Raindrops would have been right before, but now was different. I stopped, taking that in. I really had been a lazy bum, hadn’t I?
It turned out that Raindrops was just as stunned as I was, blinking. “Seriously?”
Anger took a hold of me again, but it wasn’t aimed at the pegasus this time. “Yeah, but that's gone to Tartarus before it's even begun!” I cried, hitting the ground and kicking up some dirt.
“What, did it fall apart when you found out you'd actually have to do work? Or couldn’t you find a job that involved sitting around on a bench?” She snickered at her own ‘jokes’. Yeah, figures I wouldn’t get any sympathy from the Princess of Grumps.
“No,” I grumbled, grinding my teeth. “I just found out that nopony here is gonna take me on!”
“Figures, what with your rep,” she said flatly.
That was it. If she was being blunt, then I would be too. I was getting tired of her nastiness. “Oh, buck off. You're not helping.”
She widened her eyes in disbelief. “What makes you think I want to help?”
I fell silent. She had a point, and a very good one too. This was my own doing. I didn’t deserve any help really. “… just take the money.” I got a couple of bits from my saddlebag and threw them at her hooves. She picked them up and gave me an uncertain look, but I was already dragging myself off.
I could feel her looking at me, but I didn’t know if she was relieved or feeling triumphant. “Hey, hold up a sec.”
Gah! Couldn’t she see I wanted to be left alone?! I didn’t bother looking back and just kept walking. “What?”
She followed me, but kept her distance. “You really looking for a job?”
“Yeah, I am.” I stopped and levitated the proof out of my saddlebags and gave them to her.
She looked over my credentials briefly. “Hmm. At least you were honest,” she offered.
“And look where that got me,” I spat. I paused, then added, “Actually, lying wouldn't have gotten me anywhere either.”
“Mhm,” she agreed, passing me back the papers, which I tucked away. She stared at me, something going on in her brain. I’m not sure what caused her to say her next words. “... if you're willing to bust your flank for it, I might be able to set something up.”
My ears perked up and I gave her more attention. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Tornado Day is coming up, which means all the pegasi in town are going to be called in, which means they’ll all be off work for a bit. I don’t think most of them would be against you filling in their positions for them for a while,” she explained, bringing with her a glimmer of hope.
Before I could fantasize though, I had to ask just one question. “Even Derpy?”
“I didn’t say it was a safe event,” she replied. Can’t blame everypony keeping an eye on the muffin mare while she’s working with tornados.
Actually, I’m going to look into tornado insurance, just in case. Bon Bon should think it’s a worthwhile investment.
“So... I could be the mailmare?” I asked, my mouth twitching, almost forming a grin.
“Maybe. But it won’t be an easy ride. Early start times, long hours and lots of work.” Sheesh, no kidding. But if I was in Derpy’s position and did a good enough job at it... then I’d start increasing my reputation with the town, and that would open up more opportunities! “You’re not a pegasus, so I don’t think you can do the out of town deliveries, but those in Ponyville? Yeah, that could be something you could pull off.” Hah! The workload had decreased already. Not bad—no! Bad Lyra! Bad!
Laziness aside, I actually had my doubts. I glanced at my untoned form. You would’ve thought that because I bang both Bons and Kicky, I would have had more muscle. “I'm not really built for hard labor...”
Raindrops gave me a simple shrug. “You don't want the job, don't take it. Just saying, it's there. But if you don't want ponies thinking you're too lazy to be a good worker, rejecting jobs 'cause they involve hard work won't get you far.”
“I guess...” I gazed at that stoic face of hers. She was still a grump, but she had proven to be a helpful grump. That being the case... “Thanks. And sorry.”
She gave me a firm nod. “We're settled. Seeya,” she said, then started trotting off. But before she left completely, she had one last thing to say. “Good luck.”
“Have a good lunch,” I called out after her as she went on her way, and me on mine. A small smile had made its way onto my face. Perhaps Raindrops wasn’t as bad as I had believed. Maybe, like Kicky often told me, she had a heart of gold. It was just trapped under layers and layers of grumpiness. And she could easily remove that, I’m sure.
It’s a shame then that my smile was removed a few moments later, for I heard the cry of one of the most annoying creatures on the planet: Cherry Berry. “She’s right, you know.”
I froze, telling myself to ignore her. But... “Shut up, Cherry.”
“Sorry.” Wait, what? I turned and gave her a curious look, slanting my head slightly. “The truth does hurt.”
That whorse!
I snarled at her, which unfortunately did not send her running with her tail in between her legs. “I’m not in the mood for your horseapples, Cherry.”
“I’m just saying, do you think any pegasus is going to let you handle their position while they’re occupied? Bear in mind, your performance will reflect on them. And, well...” She grinned. Devilishly. “We all know how well you do at work.”
I could feel my blood practically boiling. Raindrops was one thing, but Cherry was an entire entity of another thing. “That’s what I’m trying to improve,” I said tersely.
“So you claim.” Cherry started inspecting her hooves, looking uninterested. “So this endeavour will last, what, a week?”
“Oi, Cherry. Don’t you have a job to be getting to?” My ears twitched. That was Berry’s voice! She walked towards my antagonizer with assertive steps, getting uncomfortably close to her.
“Yes, but I don’t have any appointments yet,” Cherry defended.
Berry didn’t let up, walking into Cherry and making her stumble back. “I don’t know what your problem with Lyra is. Sure, she’s lazy and a bit useless sometimes,” Er... thanks Berry? “but she stays true to her name. Your heart seems to just be a lump of coal. So why don’t you get in that balloon of yours, take off, then start clopping to get rid of all this pent up bitchiness you seem to have?”
Both mine and Cherry’s jaws dropped. She looked between Berry and I, eyes widened. She tried her best to settle, clearing her throat and trotting off at a brisk pace. Thanks to that, the smile had returned to my face, and I went forward to give my savior a hug.
Except she wasn’t having any of it. She gave me a slight scowl, putting up a hoof that blocked me off from the hug-zone. “We have to talk.”
I had to blink a couple of times. “Talk?”
“Yeah, talk.” I looked her over. All that natural earth pony strength bearing down on me... she did look really intimidating now. “Lay off Colgate, alright?”
I stepped back, as though she had shoved me. My brow furrowed and my mouth fell open. “What do you mean? I haven’t even upset her!”
Berry snorted. “No, you’ve pushed her,” she said, and continued, “pushed her into loving Caramel.”
My brain became a whirlwind of confusion, and it showed on my face. “What? I only gave her advice, and she’s in her right to take it if she wants to.” I arched an eyebrow, tilting my head at Berry. “Why do you seem to be so heated about this?
Berry’s hoof kicked up dust as it landed right in front of my hooves. Her mouth and limbs twitched. My heart leapt into my throat; for a moment, I really thought she was going to knock me over and beat me down. And she could’ve easily done it too. “Because your lazy thinking didn’t take into account that I might have been interested in her first,” she growled.
I stumbled back, shaken. Then it came to me. There was a reason Berry was acting slightly odd at the last drinking night. She wasn’t just interested in Colgate, she was in love with her. And now I had completely messed up her chance of getting together with her. “B-Berry, wait, I can—”
“Don’t do a thing,” Berry answered me tersely. She jabbed me lightly in the chest and I fell to my rump, aghast. I couldn’t tell if that was her intention or not, because that deep frown of hers just wouldn’t go away. I blabbered something about trying to repair the situation, but she was done with me by this point, turning and trotting off.
Well done, Lyra Heartstrings. Well done for messing up one of your best friend’s love life. Well done for not getting the job. Well done for screwing up your life.
Well done for being such a lazy, useless pony.
Colgate came to me a few days later. I had avoided seeing her after the Berry incident, and I refused to tell her about it, but she invited me to some party thing the next day. I could’ve used a good time, so I said yes.
I told Bon Bon about that awful day though. Of course, she was very understanding, and said that taking Derpy’s job while she was busy was a good idea. What she wasn’t happy about though was my napping habits. Naptime had increased in length, mainly to combat what I felt inside; torn up and horrible.
In fact, I was having one right on a bench when the time for the party rolled around. Nopony woke me, but the wind did. It picked up a little and had a cold bite to it. Shivering, I rolled off the bench, stood up, and trotted onwards.
My prospects weren’t looking good, but hopefully the party would have been what I needed. A quick pick-me-up, free from drama. Hopefully. When there’s ponies, there’s always a certain level of drama.
I walked up to Colgate’s house and let myself in. This is what I tend to do with my friends. Remember when I said I was the lazy cat? Well, I did enter my friend’s houses without them knowing and sometimes waited for them to come back when I got bored. Everypony is kinda used to it by now, except if I raid their food supplies. Then I get whapped.
I opened the door, then entered the main room, seeing quite a few ponies around a wooden table in the center of the room. Lots of candy was on the table, but I knew it was all sugar-free. Having a dentist as a friend did have its downsides.
The assortment of ponies was... interesting, to say the least. Colgate sat next to Caramel (damn it), and Berry was sitting at one end of the table (double damn it). Then there was Thunderlane next to Caramel, and Time Turner next to him. I guessed they were Caramel’s friends.
I took a seat next to Turner when Berry shot me a glare. Great, she was still pissed. And I don’t mean in the ‘about to fall over and vomit everywhere’ way. “There she is,” she said. I could just barely detect the coldness in her voice. “What’s your excuse?”
“I had...” I shuffled. I couldn’t just say I was asleep. Sure, I was down, but I wasn’t trying to lower my reputation further. “Busy stuff going on...”
“Lyra, it’s okay if you were asleep,” Colgate said, offering me an understanding smile. I just stuffed some candy in my mouth. It tasted awful. Not awful in the way that made you want to spit it out, but... it just tasted of nothing. That’s even worse.
Thankfully, the stallions were gossiping like fillies, providing a distraction. I saw Turner lean towards his mates, whispering something. Thunderlane laughed quietly and gave him a hoofbump. I twitched my ears, but couldn’t pick up anything else but intelligible murmurs.
Mere moments—during which Colgate led the conversation—passed before Turner was turning to me. “Any hints, Lyra?”
“What about?” I asked.
“Oh, why you were delayed...” He trailed off, rotating his forehoof. “... and who by...”
I raised an eyebrow, eyeing him up and down. “And you want to know why, exactly? C’mon, we don’t know each other all too well.” All I knew was that he was one of Kicky’s banging buddies and that he worked with clocks or something. If he was trying to intrude into my love life, he wouldn’t get anything from me.
“Well,” he started, grinning and tracing a circle on the table. “I’ll just have to imagine it.” He paused for effect and just grinned at me. I shivered a little, which caused him to back off. I guess Kicky’s influence had rubbed off on him, but he didn’t have the gall to take it all the way. Or he just knew that I was a lesbian, and that stallions flirting with me made me uncomfortable. “Bon Bon closed her stall a few hours ago, right?”
Had I not thrown more sweets into my mouth, I wouldn’t have been choking right there and then. I hacked, wheezed and managed to save myself. After I took a moment to recover, I said, “Could you not imagine me banging my beloved marefriend?” I smirked a little, ready to turn the tables on him. “S’like me imagining you doing erotic things with Cloud in the theater.”
But damn it all, he just smiled. “It could be on the big screen.”
I swallowed, then snorted. “Whatever you say.” Turner cheered to himself, then went back to Thunderlane. Seconds passed, and Lane was grumbling into his bottle. They could think whatever they wanted to, as far as I was concerned, as long as they didn’t spread it around town. That said, Bons and I were the most famous couple in Ponyville, so I guess everypony in town had stories about us, real or not. The reason being... well, my exploits when I was trying to woo Bon Bon were seen all around town. Not to mention the fact that when we did hook up, I kind of sung about it to everypony I could find.
Caramel then looked at me, giving me a friendly smile. “So, Lyra, how are things? Colgate mentioned something about you getting your life on track?”
I had to give Colgate a split second of a frown for that, but Berry noticed and shot me an even harsher glare back. My life wasn’t off track to begin with. It wasn’t like I was taking substances every day and wishing for the sweet release of death. I squirmed, mostly away from Berry. “... er, something like that. I mean, it was never truly off the rails.”
“That’s true, actually,” Berry began, her voice and body completely relaxed. Then she quickly turned to me, grinning. “I remember her when she first moved in.”
Goddess, this wasn’t her usual snark. This was disguised spite. “Shush shush shush!” I told her, trying not to rise to her bait. “We’re not going there.” She just grinned deviously. Celestia’s sake, Berry, please don’t be like this...
Caramel coughed, scratching the back of his neck. “I meant that—well, you’re looking for work and stuff.”
“Yeah, I am.” I scanned the table for anything that was actually edible... and found the king of sweets. Mints. I popped one in my mouth, humming in delight when the taste exploded onto my tongue.
Caramel’s eyes looked upon me, but not at me. “So... any luck with that?”
I sighed out through my nose, lowering in my seat a little. “... no such thing as luck, right?” The freshness in my mouth from the mint was gone, so I ate another.
“Well... fortune does tend to favor the prepared,” Turner said with a shrug.
“Good point,” Berry replied civilly, giving him a nice nod.
I shrugged as well, but it wasn’t really committed. “I guess.” That saying didn’t hold much water, really. The definition of fortune is luck. And luck... it hadn’t favored me a lot.
“Well, I’m fairly lucky,” Thunderlane announced. He had the appearance of a jock who was trying a bit too hard. He had the muscle for sure, but his straight, mohawk of a mane stood out way too much, and his face was a little too friendly to be aggressive.
Turner just guffawed, while Colgate slowly looked at Thunderlane, nonplussed. “... you just slammed into my front door.”
Oh Goddess, I was disappointed that I missed that, but thank you Colgate—I giggled, with a snort. It felt so good. “Seriously?!”
Lane’s eyes shifted from left to right. “I meant to do that.” Caramel facehoofed.
“Sure, sure,” Berry said, smirking. I hated to admit it, but I was glad Thunderlane was there to divert some of Berry’s attention off me.
“His ego is worse than Rainbow’s,” I added, trying to get in Berry’s good books. I don’t think being ignored counts as that.
“Is this like the time you meant to show Merry May how fast you could fly?” Turner questioned.
Thunderlane fiddled with a bottle in front of him. I could tell it was Berry’s. There wasn’t one in front of me. “Well...”
“And what Dash said about that afterwards?” Turner pressed. I guessed Merry worked for her then. Quite a lot of pegasi in Ponyville do, so I lose track of who’s on the weather team and who isn’t.
Caramel shook his head, still covered by his hoof. “Oh Celestia...”
Colgate rubbed his back, which perturbed me. It was rather intimate, and Caramel wasn’t exactly complaining. “That sounds... interesting,” she said.
“Somehow he thought that a good Hearts and Hooves day involved a race...” He sighed wearily. “Through Ghastly Gorge.”
No comment.
Colgate blinked once, while I spoke, “… depends who he’s with.” I guess I was trying to rationalize the stupidity of that decision.
Thunderlane leant back in his chair, crossing his forelegs over his chest. “Merry May said she had fun,” he claimed.
Caramel pointed at him, bluntly putting forth that, “She beat you, Lane.”
“We should play a drinking game revolving around Thunderlane.” Berry laughed, taking her own wine bottle and taking a sip from it. Colgate and I joined in on the giggles, but I have to say that mine felt a bit forced.
“I think that would be bad for my health,” Turner snarked. The conversation settled a bit, so he tapped the table and went on. “At least your tail can grow back.”
Suddenly, Lane’s tail twitched and hid itself behind his chair. He swallowed, and I think I saw him shake just a little. I guess one of the Quarray Eels in the gorge had bitten off his tail. Way too close a call. Colgate read the signs, frowning, before saying, “Perhaps we should move on?”
Berry nodded once. “Yeah...” Her eyes drifted over to Caramel. They narrowed slightly. “So... Caramel, what do you even do?”
Caramel didn’t look like he had noticed Berry’s attitude and answered with confidence. “Oh, farm stuff here and there. I work for anypony who needs help and on market days I sometimes sell the caramel treats my pa taught me how to make.” Huh. Come to think of it, Caramel must have had a pretty good reputation if he did that. I guess I should’ve followed his example.
Berry let out a snort. “The Apple Family wants your help?”
“Uh, not really. I normally help out with the others though, like Carrot Top.” That made sense. Apples kept their work to themselves. Although they were a bit hypocritical; they were always willing to help out to help a friend, but rarely accepted the opposite.
Berry rubbed her chin, silent for a several seconds. Thankfully, she dropped the subject. “Hm, alright then.” Her lips found their way back to the bottle.
“Applejack isn’t one to ask,” Time Turner said. “Mac usually covers anything she doesn’t.”
“That’s true,” Colgate agreed, nodding. “It’s amazing how between those two, they manage to keep everything up and running.”
Turner scoffed quietly. “Are we talking about the same farm? No offense to Mac, but—well, they tend to... overstate things.”
“They always have their produce available to buy,” Colgate countered. Good point. And it’s always delicious, unlike those Flimmy Flammy Floppy Poppy Bros. But to their credit, they were very good singers.
“Only because of how hard they work themselves,” Turner shot back. Another great point. Heh, these two were pretty good at debating.
The others just turned their heads as each pony spoke, like a heated game of tennis was being duked out in front of us. “What’s wrong with that? They’re happy,” Colgate said.
“Remember how bad it got last year when Big Mac injured himself?” Turner shook his head and relaxed in his chair.
“They manage,” Caramel spoke up before Colgate had her say.
She seemed happy with that though, smiling sweetly and giving Turner a curt nod. “Exactly.”
Turner wasn’t willing to let the subject drop. “They’d probably have it easier if they took Caramel on every now and then.” His tone was wistful, so I guessed that he was more looking out for his friend rather than intentionally aggravating mine.
“That’s up to them, isn’t it?” Colgate asked pointedly.
I could see Thunderlane just eating, not really paying attention anymore. Caramel just sighed and frowned. “Yeah, but I get plenty of work from Carrot Top so she can spend more time selling her carrots. She says it can get a bit lonely out there alone.”
I saw Colgate tense up. Not good. “Mmm... it might do...” Crap. You’ve seen what jealousy can do to a pony. Just look at Berry.
“I was out there the other day,” Turner said diplomatically. “She makes a very nice carrot cake.” He gestured at the carrot cake leftovers on his and Thunderlane’s plates. The ones that I hadn’t noticed before now. The ones that were mostly finished.
Of course I wanted it. I gingerly drew out my foreleg and pointed at the cake. “... you gonna eat them leftovers?”
“I thought I recognised the style,” Caramel said, smiling contently. Lane and Turner, meanwhile, pulled their plates full of cake closer to themselves.
“Is that a no...?” I wanted that cake.
Turner’s eyes slowly went from me to the table. “I’ll have another piece of the cake as well.”
“Wait, there’s another piece?!” I quickly searched the table, then I found it. Lovely carrot cake... so sublime...
There were two slices left. Thunderlane darted forward and grabbed one, trailing crumbs on the table all the way to his plate. He faceplanted the slice and started to devour it.
Turner and I looked at each other, then the slice. We both licked our lips. My horn started to glow. “That piece is mine!” I slammed a hoof on the table and snatched the piece in my telekinesis. Turner grumbled to himself while I happily ate my fill.
“Watch your weight, Lyra,” Berry said. Well there went my victory grin. Berry was back to picking on me agai— “I’m serious.”
I stopped chewing and looked down at myself. My belly protruded out like a small barrel. Granted, ponies did have round bellies naturally, but mine seemed a little chubbier than most. Was I getting fat...? Great. Another problem with my life thanks to laziness.
I sighed and kept on eating. Waste not want not. “I’m fine...”
Turner sighed and rewarded himself with a boring ol’ carrot to eat. The food was starting to run out too, even the sugar free crap. Which was most of it, really. Colgate searched the table, nodded to herself, then stood up and tapped the table. “Well, everypony... I actually gathered you here for an announcement.”
I didn’t swallow my mouthful. Both mine and Berry’s ears twitched. Everypony’s eyes were all on the dentist. Turner stopped mid bite, his eyes slightly wider than normal. Caramel’s brow was raised. “What’s going on, Colgate?”
Colgate giggled joyfully and nudged him lightly. “You know, silly.”
Caramel blinked hard a couple of times. “Uh...” he trailed off and went silent.
Suddenly the cake in my mouth didn’t taste so good. I swallowed harshly. The room started to feel a little stuffy and I was sweating. Nopony else was.
Colgate laughed again, delightfully unaware of my paranoia. Just what was going on? Then she put her hooves on Caramel’s shoulders and started nuzzling his cheek. I could see Berry, out of the corner of my eye, stiffen.
“We’re going out, of course! Thought you knew that, you goof.” Colgate wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tightly. Then she kissed him on the cheek.
She kissed him. Tenderly.
Berry immediately took a swig of her drink, then almost slammed the bottle on the table. My mouth fell open and I lost all my focus on my magic. The last of my cake dropped to the ground, landing on the floor and spreading out crumbs.
I was really up the creek now. And I had a feeling Berry was going to beat me to death with the paddle.