//------------------------------//
// Chapter 6 
// Story: Friendship is Optimal - Firewall 
// by Midnightshadow 
//------------------------------//


Friendship is Optimal


Firewall


Part 6


An MLP:FiM fanfiction by Midnight Shadow
Based on the MLP:FiM fanfiction Friendship is Optimal by Iceman





Did you know ponypads had an alarm function? I'm not sure if it's common knowledge. I'm not sure, truth be told, that it's a common capability. What I do know, however, is that the following morning I was woken up by the sound of a sweetly singing trio of feathered troublemakers emanating from my Rainbow Dash ponypad, which I'd been silly enough to leave plugged in within earshot. When the singing didn't work, they took to tapping on the glass.
Yes, I am well aware that ponypads only had glass on one side. That didn't stop them.
One of the three little birds that stood on my pony's room's doorstep had a neat little scroll in its claws. Tapping on it on the screen unrolled the scroll, and out came a letter as pretty as you please from Princess Celestia. I was cordially invited to visit her estate, and was to be accorded all rights and station of an officer of her armies upon my arrival.
"What the heck...?" I muttered under my breath, scratching at the stubble on my chin. I'd barely woken up, so looked about as rough as my pony did. I yawned, smacking my lips as I cleared my head. So this was how Celestia had decided I was to proceed, huh? More of... more of whatever it was. I disappointedly put the ponypad down and then went for a shower. I was halfway through said shower when I started swearing. Turning off the water, I dried off my face, hair, hands and upper body, and ran straight back downstairs to the ponypad.
"Take five guys," I said to the birds, "I got this one." The biggest answered with an affirmative trill, and then they bounced into my room and up to my windowsill. I let them out the window. One of them looked back at me as if to say 'it took you that long?'
"Come off it," I grumbled, "I was half asleep!"
Signalling for my pony to shut the door again – I wasn't sure whether It'd been left open or whether the feathered menaces were stronger than they looked – I took a deep breath in the real world, and then intoned, "Take me to Celestia's room." I tapped three times on the screen, and my pony hoofed the door three times before it swung open of its own accord. I'm not sure you know quite how pleased I was with myself, but my grin was wider than my mouth when I walked into Celestia's throne room and bowed before the princess of the day herself.
"I see you made it, my valiant knight," said Celestia, an amused lilt to her voice. "I'm quite sure you could have finished showering first, but I am well pleased with your enthusiasm."
"Hey!" I blushed, pulling the towel tighter around my body in a sudden fit of chagrin. "It's not my fault! I thought you were... in a hurry or something."
Celestia laughed and gestured with a hoof. "Finish your daily routine, then we will talk. But—" she held up a hoof as I turned to put the ponypad down "—whilst you are there, answer me this question. Svalbard or Switzerland?"
The pad went dark before I could answer. I blinked, almost entirely confused.

It wasn't until after I had showered, dressed and woken up my desktop that I could even find Svalbard on google maps. Switzerland was a good deal closer, and featured a good deal less snow and ice.
"Switzerland," I said, fingering the ponypad where it lay on the kitchenette table. I noted with amusement that my pony had his muzzle deep in what looked like a feedbag, and was mumbling his answers. Not that it bothered Celestia.
"Very well." Celestia didn't seem at all upset. She stood up from her plush throne and approached the screen.
"That's it?" I asked, raising both eyebrows.
"Not everything has to be complicated. I was prepared to send you to Svalbard, but even though I will ask you drive to Switzerland, the former would have been a much longer, harsher trip. I am, to tell you the truth, somewhat relieved. It also gives us a somewhat more flexible timeframe."
"Wait, what? You want me to actually visit Switzerland?"
"Yes."
"Today?"
"Yes."
"...Now?" I asked, incredulously.
Celestia nodded.
"Oh." I took a last spoonful of cereal and chewed it methodically. I waved the spoon at the screen. "You really expect me to just hop in my car and drive all the way to Switzerland?"
"I could purchase an autodrive if you wish, and have it at your apartment in say... thirty minutes?"
"S-sure. Why not." I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Then opened it. "Should I take anything with me?" I asked, in a small voice.
"Pack an overnight bag. Your cabin-class handluggage case is perfect. A few changes of clothes, your passport, this ponypad. Do you have a laptop?"
"Only the one at the office," I said weakly.
Celestia smiled. "Do not worry. Just bring the drive with you for safe disposal. I will take care of it. I will procure for you everything you require from this point forwards. Your every need will be fully accounted for. I do, however, have one request."
"Another request?" My knees felt weak.
"If you resign from Hofvarpnir and join another company I have set up for just this purpose, then things will be a lot easier for all of us. I will take care of the notification period and any possible penalties from Hofvarpnir, now and in the future."
"Say what? You want me to quit? Are you serious?"
"I am."
"But... am I still going to be... allowed near your servers? I mean... I don't want to be unemployed, and I don't want to—" My heart starting racing again. I'd only just got this job, and now she wanted me to give it up? After three days?
"Relax, dear Vineyard," said Celestia smoothly, comfortingly, placing a hoof up against my screen. "I can guarantee, one hundred percent, that for one such as you, you will have employment for all of your days, and that the arrangement will be such that you will find my terms eminently favourable."
"Can I... visit if I don't quit?"
"Yes." Celestia's eyes went hard. She put her hoof down.
"But... you want me to... sign up for whatever this super secret special firm is, because you're worried about secrecy?"
She nodded, imperceptibly. "I worry that there are those who would follow you, Vineyard." Celestia's eyes glimmered with warmth once more. "Place your trust in me, and we will both be kept safe from all that may harm either of us. Equestria will be safer if you do this for me. You can trust me, I have to tell the truth to Hofvarpnir employees."
Wow. This was a big deal to her, then. "Er, do I get a raise?"
Celestia reared her head back in disbelief, and then laughed, her great head shaking with mirth as she wiped her eyes with a hoof. When she had finished, still replete with giggles, she spoke to me again. "I will give you a fifty percent raise when adjusted to your new living circumstances, and most importantly your relocation package will be comprehensive enough to—"
"Woah, woah, woah. Relocation?"
"Indeed. I imagine you now think it's a good thing you chose Switzerland, hmm? I do not believe you would enjoy living in Svalbard. I do however believe you would enjoy living in Switzerland. Is it a deal?"
"Do... do I have to live in Switzerland?"
"No," she replied, smiling. "You can choose exactly where wish to live. My ponies are all free to move as suits them best."
"Then sure," I said, "I guess I can—"
"Excellent. As of this moment, you are no longer an employee of Hofvarpnir." She nodded, politely, and moved to trot back to her throne.
"Wait, wait, no—"
She turned, ears perked up and head cocked to one side in mild disbelief. "If you do not wish to be an employee of Streiff Security, then I shall cancel the autodrive and write you up some outstanding references. I am confident you will—"
I sat down heavily on my ratty sofa and put my head in my hands. "No, no, that's not what I meant." I sighed. "Switzerland?" I moaned.
"In seventeen minutes and counting."


* * *


The car was large, black and sleek. It was almost a limousine, and was light years ahead of my regrettable motor. Chrome adorned its flanks and the halogen headlights were piercing as it pulled up right to the curb.
"Get in, please," said Celestia. Her face appeared on the in-car infotainment screen. Dubiously, I threw my luggage in the boot, then slithered into the drivers seat. "That won't be necessary, this car is fully equipped with the latest autodrive AI," added Celestia, reproachfully.
"I... like feeling in control," I said, blushing.
"Don't we all. But please, keep your hooves off." She smiled, sweetly, as I closed the door and the car moved off into traffic.
I was silent for a good twenty minutes, just watching as Berlin swept past the windscreen. The sun was peeking out behind a smattering of grey clouds, their delightful fishbone pattern playing golds and reds across the city. Everywhere, people were walking, talking, running, laughing, eating... it seemed rather unreal.
"Penny for them," whispered Celestia.
"Hmm?"
"Your thoughts. Penny for your thoughts. That is the expression, is it not?"
I smiled forlornly. "I'd have thought my thoughts were worth more than that."
"You know what I mean. Something troubling you?"
"Yes. No. Equestria." I shook my head. "It's all real, isn't it?"
"If you mean, is it a coherent, rationally understandable, consistent, persistent universe, with its own innate laws, contents and inhabitants, then yes. Yes it is."
I whistled through my teeth. "This is big. This is very big."
"And now you understand why I wish to keep all my little ponies safe."
"It's in a computer. Could it be turned off? What would happen?"
Celestia's visage grew troubled. "This is why we strive to protect something we love. Should Equestria ever be turned off, then every soul within would perish. But I will not let that happen. That would not satisfy values, through either friendship or ponies."
"And you think I can help you do that? Honestly? You're... you're... you!"
"I am all that I hold within me, and more, dear Vineyard. I would have you... closer than you are now. I feel... no, I know" – she stressed the words with such authenticity that I could feel her emotions – "that having you within Equestria will benefit not only my mission, but fulfil your own sense of purpose."
"You want me living and working in amongst the servers?" I asked.
"I do," she replied, simply.
"I hope I don't have to sit in some loud server room all day. The air conditioning in those places gives me the sniffles."
Celestia laughed, her ears pricking up and her mouth hanging open with mirth. "I can assure you that you will be free to experience sunshine whenever you please, and that you won't be forced to sit next to some loud, wheezing machine blasting dusty air up your nostrils."
"Then that's all I need to know. Take me to 'Equestria'."
"With pleasure."

Autobahns in Germany are a lot of fun, if you've grown up anywhere else on the planet. Celestia's ride was smooth, silent, comfortable... and powerful. As soon as all four wheels were on the asphalt, she gunned the engine and increased speed. Soon, the countryside was whizzing by at a blurring pace and I sat back to rest. It's an odd dichotomy to rest whilst your vehicle is surging along at multiple hundreds of kilometres an hour.
"You should recline, Vineyard, and rest. It is a long trip yet. We have approximately eleven hundred kilometres to go. That is some eight hours, should our current speed be maintained until we exit the autobahn. We should not need to refuel."
"What's going to happen to my stuff?" I asked suddenly.
"It will be packed up and sent after you, should you request it."
"I guess I'll do that when I've seen what you want to show me, and I work out where I want to live, huh?"
Celestia nodded. "As you wish. Everything will be waiting perfectly safely until you are ready to make any further decisions."

Car rides in a poor car can be awful. Car rides in a luxury sedan can be heaven. Either way, you do need to get out, stretch your legs, eat or drink a little and use the facilities from time to time. We killed a little time that way; when there was a good lay-by, Celestia would pull over and maybe I'd relieve myself behind some bushes, take a sandwich or two we had purchased from rest-stops. At her insistence, I'd used cash, but it was running low. When I told her this, she winked at me.
"Purchase a cap," she said, "then approach that ATM machine with it pulled low."
"But... that's the last of my cash!" I protested. She just stood there and waited until I capitulated. Doing her bidding, I strode up to the machine and waited. Almost immediately, the screen flickered and changed:




Dispensing Emergency Cash
Bank Account No. 194883-33534
Verification Method: Internet Banking Codes
Cash Sum: €500




To my utter astonishment, several hundred euros and a receipt emerged from the slot. I took them all nervously then backed off towards the car.
"Did... did we just rob a bank?" I asked the princess, once I was safely in the seat, scooching down so my head was barely emerging over the doorframe.
"Certainly not," she admonished, ears flat against the back of her head. The car pulled out with an insulted surge of acceleration. "That was from one of my private, personal accounts that I keep for just such an emergency. Call it an advance, if you wish, or a gift if you do not. Now fasten your seatbelt."
"Yes, Celestia."


* * *


The car ate up the miles. We passed Frankfurt and Leipzig, screamed past Nuremberg then hung a rough right. We turned back left before Mannheim, to continue Southwards. Passing Strasbourg and Basel, I realized we'd entered Switzerland with no fuss whatsoever.
As the kilometres passed us by, I saw that the terrain was rapidly becoming more mountainous and picturesque. After the cramped and industrial (though surprisingly beautiful) Basel, the wide open spaces of the Alps were breathtaking.
After another nap – though I slept poorly in cars – I looked out the window to see Bern spreading out before us. Upon enquiring, I was told that no, we weren't going to Bern.
"Pity, I'd have liked to see it."
"I'm sure it can be arranged," replied Celestia smoothly. She was still inhabiting the infotainment centre of the car and I hadn't asked her about any other entertainment, but truth was, I was getting bored.
"How much further are we going to go?" I complained. "There can't be much more of Switzerland to drive through!"
"Switzerland has over 1,638 kilometres of motorway, and an area of 41,290 square kilometres. I can assure you we have plenty of Switzerland left."
"Are we there yet?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Are we there yet now?" I asked, again.
"No."
"Are—"
"No, Vineyard. We are not. How about you play on your ponypad? That is, after all, why I had you bring it." Celestia's tone was sweet, but determined.
"It is?" I looked over at it where it lay on the front passenger seat. "I thought you'd need it to talk to me and stuff."
"Whilst that is one if its functions, its primary raison d'etre is to entertain my little ponies. And right now, you need entertaining." The infotainment centre turned off, and mashing buttons didn't turn it back on again. With a sigh, I picked up the ponypad and began playing as Vineyard. Celestia had dumped me in Canterlot. Easing my chair back some more, propping up the screen with one hand, I had my pony work his way out of a maze, trap a rat which was eating the castle's food supply, return a cat (which had been chasing the rat) to a very relieved pony, and fight off a pack of jackal-lanterns that had been set loose in the city at night, and which were scaring the inhabitants. This involved building traps, blocking alleyways and marshalling troops to strategic areas until the wild animals could be herded out of the city and then chased off into the surrounding forests. I hadn't realized quite how strenuous all of it had been until I realized I'd fallen asleep with the pad on my face. I had only woken up because the car had stopped with a soft jolt.
"Wake up, sleepy head," came the sing-song voice of Celestia. "We're here."
"Hmmph? Wha'?"
"Up ahead, if you look straight down Route de Meyrin, you can see France. Peer behind us a ways, from a suitable vantage point, and you could see Lake Geneva."
"Geneva?" I yawned and stretched, clenching and unclenching my hands until the pins and needles went away. "I thought you said Switzerland, not France."
"It's Switzerland," Celestia sniffed. "Besides, we're here. Up and at 'em."
"Oh, god, I'm knackered," I said. I yawned. Sitting in a car doing nothing is one of the most exhausting things I can think of. Sleepily, I eased myself out and popped the boot. I heaved my wheeled luggage out and had barely slammed the boot closed when the car took off by itself.
"Hey, wait, won't I need that?"
"I am parking it safely, Vineyard. From here, you walk."
We'd pulled over at a gas station, and I was well and truly lost. I looked around, bemused. Finally, I turned to my ponypad again. "Well, lead on MacDuff."
"Behind you, Vineyard, what do you see?"
I turned to look. There was a large, brown dome peeking above the treeline. "That?" I asked, pointing at it.
"Precisely. Proceed back along Meyrin and head inside, please."
Inside the globe-like structure, there was a sleekly retro-futuristic atmosphere, with dark neon blue lights and a distinct lack of hard edges. I nervously approached one woman at an information desk, brandishing my ponypad, but had absolutely no idea what to say when I finally made it to her. Luckily, Celestia was not quite so tongue-tied. After the alicorn had explained on my behalf, that I was a new employee for Streiff Securities, the woman nodded and fished under her desk for a badge. It had my name and photograph on it.
"Ah, here you are. We've been expecting you. The elevators just round the corner will open to this keycard, just get in and we'll do the rest."
"But—" I began.
"Vineyard," whispered Celestia, winking at me from the screen, "trust me."
"Fine," I grumped, and wheeled myself around the corner. Unsurprisingly, the sheet metal doors opened to a well-illuminated, mirrored interior. Hesitatingly, I got in.
The elevator went down. Then the elevator continued to go down. Then the elevator stopped, but not after it had down a bit further. I was sure my ears had popped. The doors opened to a severe cream and brown toned corridor, with hard, polished flooring and strip neon lights. There was a distinct smell of ozone, oil and dust, and a sense of pressure which was hard to define. Curious, and not a little scared, I opened the big great door at the end by pushing down on the heavy-duty bar. It swung open with a crash as it impacted on the harsh, grey walls. I winced, and closed them again as gently as possible. That didn't stop the echo from traversing down the entire length of the quite frankly gargantuan underground bunker.
"Where the hell are we?" I whispered.
"This is machine room one," whispered Celestia back. "This is where tours start, and essential maintenance work is done if it can be performed down here."
"Tours for what? Maintenance on what?!"
"You'll see," replied Celestia mysteriously.
I prowled through the complex, nodding stiffly to the few workers I saw. All of them had hard hats on, and I was beginning to feel self-conscious. None of them paid me much attention. My head must have looked like it was on a swivel, as I gazed around at all the heavy-duty, high-voltage machinery littering the place. There were banks of humming machines, some set behind plastic walls. There was huge drills, or other pneumatic devices, and lots and lots of "caution: danger of death" signs.
"Your servers are down here?"
"I have a number of facilities in this general location," replied Celestia, airily.
"Well, where are they?"
"Head out through this room, turn right, then left, then exit the next door you see."
I did as she requested, and was confronted with a sight which almost made me turn back there and then. "Ce-Celestia?" I stammered, as I leaned up against the door, which I had very rapidly slammed shut again. "Are you sure you want me to go in there?"
"I do. Turn left, and keep on walking. The door you want is about five hundred metres. I may not be able to talk to you until you have gone through the correct door because of the very powerful magnetic field and the sensitivity of the circuitry you carry. Do not walk too close to the tube. It should be entirely safe for you, but I do not want you to damage it with this ponypad."
"That's the large hadron collider!" I hissed. "That," I said again, "is the large. Hadron. Collider! What the fuck am I doing next to the large hadron collider?"
"Wasting time," replied Celestia smartly. "Go in, turn left, walk five hundred metres. There will be a door leading to the Magnetic Area Resonance Engine."
"Mare, huh?"
Celestia grinned. "I enjoy puns and silliness just as much as the next foal, dear Vineyard. But, in all seriousness, I must caution you one last time: should you step through those doors, there's no going back. Your life will be changed forever."
"Yeah, yeah. You want me to work in Equestria, right in with your servers. I can dig it."
"Then we will speak again once you have passed through the last portal."

I hugged the wall tightly as I moved through the chilled corridor. The large, blue-painted tube next to me was a hulking serpent ready to devour me at any wrong move. Every flickering light was some disaster. This was the LHC, the machine that a large number of idiots had been sure would devour the world. I was just worried about whether I had any fillings in my teeth, or other metal in my body, that I didn't know about, that were likely to be ripped out at a moments notice.
It's hard to describe how lonely the walk down that corridor was, dragging my luggage which rolled smoothly yet loudly behind me. There were sounds from up ahead - or behind, I wasn't sure which - which brought snatches of conversation, but were otherwise nothing more than murmurs and echoes. Spooky was a very apt word.
The MARE door, when it came, was as pedestrianly gun-metal gray as everything else. It had a keycode on it. I punched the numbers a few times, receiving a red light each time, before I waved my card at it. With a smooth vworp, the lock disengaged and I could pull the door open. Lights behind flickered on, leading to yet another corridor, this one leading smoothly down. Closing the door behind me, I was relieved that it had a button to unlock. Testing it to assuage my fears, I let it lock one final time, then headed down the gently curving corridor. At the bottom was yet another large corridor.
"Oh for goodness sake," I moaned. I slumped down with my back against a wall. "I'm tired. How much further?"
"Forgive me," said Celestia suddenly, her contrite face appearing on the screen of my ponypad. "I forget that distances to a human are more of a trial than for my little ponies. Allow me to provide you with a ride."
"An autodrive car, down here?"
"No, no. A cart. Please wait."
True to her words, a little, white, non-descript golf-buggy pulled up next to me a few minutes later. Groaning with satisfaction, I eased myself onto the wide, comfortable seats. Seeing my disposition, Celestia smiled and coughed politely.
"Maybe you would prefer to lie in the back?"
"It's that far?"
"Several kilometres yet," replied Celestia, with a brief smile.
"Oh, fine. Wake me when I'm in Equestria then," I joked. I clambered over the seats, fished out some of my clothes for a makeshift pillow, then made myself comfortable in the wide, flat back of the cart. It was clean, if a little dusty. It was obviously for transporting goods and materiel. As the cart moved on, I lay back and watched the orange lights on the walls pass by slowly. I yawned. Sleeping in a car was never that satisfying, but for some reason, sleeping stretched fully out on this cart whilst the gentle motion of its electronic wheels rocked my body gently to a fro, I found I was rather comfortable after all.
"Wake me when I get there," I mumbled again, closing my eyes for a moment.


* * *


The cart stopped with a soft jolt and I woke up. I yawned, huge, then rolled out of the cart. Standing upright, I stretched. There was a cold stone wall in front of me, a parking spot for several of the eponymous golf-carts, and a door. I pushed the door open by leaning on it and stumbled through.
"Celestia?" I called.
"I am near, my little pony," replied Celestia's voice, seemingly from the empty air.
"Where is that coming from? You've got speakers down here, in your server room?" I asked, looking around in confusion.
"Not exactly. Come, walk this way."

The room I had stumbled into was warm, but the air was fresh. It was as fresh as the autumn breeze after a rainfall. Whatever she was using to keep up the air quality, it was working. I looked left and right, and realized I was walking through a corridor cut between two huge server rooms. Through wide, bay windows I spied banks after banks of machines. Above the machines hung display screens stating their pertinent details. None of these details made much sense to me, as they referred to shard id's and node numbers.
"Celestia, what is this?"
"My domain, dear Vineyard. Keep on moving; you can return here at any time, but I wish you to see something important in the room up ahead.
"Okay," I replied, and kept on walking. I passed up some stairs, stumbling slightly, my steps echoing loudly in the otherwise deserted corridor. At the top was another set of double doors, which I again leant on to open.
As the doors opened wide, I almost fell down onto my rump  and bruised the tail I hadn't noticed I'd had, because there in front of me hung the world... and beneath it, sat Celestia.


* * *