Legacy volume 1: Eruditio
Chapter 13 - Selfish
Life for Rosa had adopted a new and yet familiar sense of regularity. She spent her days helping out at the bookshop, getting back into the swing of handling deliveries, answering customer enquiries and going on errands, most of which were given out by her mother. There were a couple of new novels that piqued her interest; one in particular called Remnant proved to be an excellent read, dealing with a strain of bacteria that could affect ponies’ minds and manipulate their sense of reasoning. She wasn’t reading quite as often anymore, mainly because she didn’t have the time.
Her parents seemed to treat her with some kind of newfound respect, no longer harassing her about whatever lifestyle choices she was making. The relationship between herself and Sparks was steady. Slow moving, but steady. He’d stayed for dinner a few times in the weeks following the meet-up at Nico’s house, and her parents made every effort to say how wonderful he was and how happy they were for her to find such a stallion. She guessed she liked that.
She’d also had dinner with Sparks’ parents, feeling somewhat overwhelmed by how accepting they were.
“It’s such a pleasure for us to be in the presence of such a charming, beautiful young mare!” his mother had said.
“Thank you, ever so much. It’s been lovely to meet you too.”
“Please, stop by any time. I don’t think my son could have picked anypony better.”
“Well I’m not going to disagree with that!” Sparks had grinned, stroking her mane.
Ever since Sparks had paid for their trip to Canterlot and the tickets for Foal Gallagher without so much as batting an eyelid, Rosa had her suspicions that his family would be tremendously wealthy. These were completely solidified upon viewing their home. While it wasn’t exactly an ornate, mansion-like building, (in fact, it was just above average as far as its size was concerned) the interior was filled with beautiful marble tiles and a collection of ornaments made from wood, stone and ceramic. These ranged from doves, to insects, to a depiction of a fantasy battle scene. Chandeliers hung from most of the ceilings, something that would be a nightmare for an earth pony to tamper with.
As for how they were so well off, Sparks had once mentioned something about an inheritance. He said nothing more, and Rosa wasn’t keen on pressing the issue further. The idea of somepony’s death leading to nothing more than an inflated piggy bank wasn’t something she found very comforting.
His sister was nothing like she had expected, not being the over-protective, bolshie filly that she’d imagined given Sparks’ previous description. Crane had a perpetual sweet smile and a beautiful (if brash) spiky green mane. She’d welcomed Rosa with open forelegs, playfully trying to embarrass her brother with stories of when he’d gotten trapped in a toilet as a colt. Sparks’ father tried to keep her quiet, but both Sparks and Rosa insisted that they didn’t mind, laughing off each jibe as it came. She’s going to make a lucky stallion very happy when she’s older, Rosa thought, admiring the unicorn’s appearance and cheery attitude. She was like Summer in some respects, but without the crazy, perverted streak.
The bond between Sparks and his sister was unmistakable. Rosa didn’t know that many ponies with siblings, and knew even fewer who still spent time with them. Despite the age difference, (Rosa assumed that Crane was between twelve and fourteen) they got along like best friends. Crane would poke fun at him and Sparks would roll his eyes knowingly. It was all done in jest, of course.
Rosa pondered on what life would have been like with a brother or sister by her side. Having somepony else to talk to would’ve been nice, assuming they’d actually get along. It was just one of those things she’d never truly know.
It was after meeting Sparks’ parents that they first kissed. Sparks had initiated it this time, though she couldn’t berate him for being impatient. It was, after all, around three weeks since their first date. At first, Rosa thought he’d leant in for a hug when he slowly began to pull his face in closer to hers, sweat practically dripping from his forehead despite the mild weather. She stayed stock still at first, wondering if she would do it all wrong and they’d be part of an awkward display of contorted lips and misplaced tongues. Instead, their mouths locked effortlessly, and they held each other there for a good ten seconds. It was thrilling, she supposed. Part of her was egging her on to latch onto him in another, more intimately passionate tongue wrestle but that side of her backed down.
When Rosa finally revealed to Summer about their kiss, the yellow earth pony immediately leapt onto her, shouting about how she couldn’t believe it hadn’t happened sooner. Oddly enough, she didn’t start ranting and teasing about ‘the next step’, seeming more than content with clasping her hooves together and chatting about them being ‘the perfect couple’, which Rosa was more than relieved about.
She would occasionally visit Summer during her break times and chat with the mare about life in general, or just eat lunch together in comfortable silence. Considering that neither of them had much free time anymore, it was the least she could do.
Rehearsals for Dreamworld were going well. They were frequent, with four, sometimes five sessions a week, some of them lasting several hours. It was often tiring and soaked up a lot of free time, but it was also fulfilling. Rosa could recite her lines with sterling accuracy, and found that she could now switch to playing both sides of her character, that of both Esmeralda and Dr Emerald, with relative ease. At first it had just been a case of reading lines, but as she became more invested in the production she felt that she could actually be Dr Emerald, even down to forcing herself to cry in some of the crucial final scenes. All she had to do was let her deeper emotions seep out. No big deal.
Court Jester and Melon Collie quickly became good friends and their support, advice and overall attitude helped her to keep the goal of a big-time stage production in mind. They were nothing less than stellar when it came to acting, and Rosa sometimes felt inferior when they managed to pull off a heart-felt scene with supposed ease. They both reassured her though, that her own acting skills were more than enough. She believed them. She had to.
Melon had begun to open up and would sometimes surprise with an offhand joke that reduced Court and Rosa to tears. That’s not to say that Court wasn’t the real jokester of the group, and he took great pleasure in misusing the props in humorous ways, or impersonating other actors, emphasising their odd mannerisms.
The mystery to whether the two of them were a couple was ended when Court began to joke about a stallion who, in his words, “clearly has the hots for you, Melon.” It became clear that they were just close friends, even if Rosa might have suspected an unspoken attraction between them. It made her wonder how easy it was for mares and stallions to be that close without romantic interest.
The prop and costume designers had outdone themselves, and even pernickety old Floyd had agreed. The battered stage in the Ponyville theatre was transformed into another world with a subtle use of lighting that was truly dazzling. The transitions from lush fields to scenes of death and destruction, to the sterile halls of the psychiatric ward was startling, to say the least.
They now even had a miniature orchestra playing faint melodies during scenes, truly emphasizing the impact of some of the more emotional moments. They weren’t exactly in the league of the group she’d seen in Canterlot, with some of them mere juveniles, but they were still proficient.
The costume that she wore as Esmeralda was astonishing, and made her feel utterly beautiful at times. It was made from jade green silk, with false diamonds embedded in the material forming patterns of flowers and hearts. There was a silver band that fastened around her midsection, and a length of fabric that went along her tail, reacting to every minute swish and swipe. The costume was completed by a small silver tiara with strips of authentic looking golden paint. Her cutie marks and fiery red mane however, were not covered at all, and were as Floyd said, “part of the character.”
Floyd was impressed with her work, smiling proudly as he watched each rehearsed performance. He would tell her how glad he was that she was part of the project, and made no attempts to hide his happiness as everything started to come together. He’d even incorporated some of her ideas for certain scenes. Surely that was something to be proud of.
Rosa didn’t speak much to Clover while at rehearsals, though this was mainly because there was little time for idle chit-chat. Also, since they would be playing the same character they wouldn’t be on stage together. Clover’s performances were amazing to watch. She would gracefully hover just above the stage and could make it sound as though she was whispering, even though her voice carried to the far reaches of the hall.
After each rehearsal, Rosa would casually say goodbye to her friend, offering words of encouragement. There was no bitterness despite everything that had happened, and they didn’t speak of it. Clover would wave goodbye and soar up into the clouds above, smiling back at her.
She hadn’t seen Nico in a while.
Everything was settling into a manageable cycle, with distinct goals for the future and a wealth of support from everypony she knew. Time sped by quickly as her days were filled with tasks and opportunities, and there had been no more emotional outbreaks. She had everything going for her, and the whole world was behind her. Some ponies would kill to be in the position she was.
Everything was perfect.
No… everything is all wrong…
Every day I see his face and I wonder if I’ll ever be over it all...
And yet, I should be proud of myself. I’ve done so much. I’m making this world a better place for everypony. I can see the delight in Summer’s eyes as she sees me, her only friend, stop on by to brighten up her day. I think of the torment she must have faced and how I’ve changed all that — given her something else to live for. I watch as she shrugs off life’s difficulties and laughs back. I daren’t ask her how she copes because she makes it seem so easy, so effortless. She looks up to me, and I know that somehow she cherishes the fact that I’ve come into her life.
Clover thinks I’ve done do well. She won’t admit it, but she was disappointed in the old me. She wouldn’t have believed what I would do, wouldn’t have thought that I could change my life around like this. She’s not upset that I took the part that she wanted; she wants me to succeed. I could do that for her.
Floyd looks at me like a star pupil, helping make his dream a reality. He’s grown happier over the past few weeks, losing the grumpy frown that was so prominent when I first met him. He’s always saying how much he loves what I do. From what I know, he doesn’t say much to the other actors. I swear, sometimes he treats me like the daughter he never had.
Mum and Dad are so proud… I’ve never known them like this. They don’t bug me about anything; for once, they see me doing the right thing, living my life the right way. The way they smile as I gallop off to rehearsals or stand beside Sparks… They look at me as if I’ve finally grown up to be the daughter they always wanted.
Sparks doesn’t need to say that he loves me because I already know. The way he smiles to himself when he thinks I’m not looking, sighing and wondering just how his life ever got this good, how he ever met the mare of his dreams. He’s amazing, perhaps even perfect. He makes me feel loved. He would never do anything to hurt me. He’s everything I could ever ask for, I guess.
So then why do I feel like this!? Why do I feel like every day is a curse!? I should have known since the beginning that Nico and I would never be together! It could never work out, and going from friendship to relationship would be too weird. It couldn’t happen, it never was going to happen and it won’t ever happen. I don’t know if I ever want to see his face again. Maybe if I do, I’ll break down. I love him so much…
Then what of our friendship? Was it just a charade all these years? If I was truly one of his best friends, shouldn’t I just be thankful for that!? Maybe I should see him just so that he knows we’re still friends. At least, I think we are. I don’t know, I just don’t know. I’m a terrible pony.
It could have been so much worse. I could have broken down in front of him, been rejected, then have had to live with burning embarrassment every time I saw him. Eventually, everything between us, the friendship, the bond that had built up all of this time would be ruined. Clover’s world would be devastated, her two best friends unable to speak to each other. It all happened in the best possible way and yet I still can’t cope.
Some days I want Sparks to stay out of my life; I want him to run off into the horizon and just stay there. Some days I want to grasp him between my legs and say “Do anything you want to me. You can make me feel better. You can make me feel loved.” I don’t know what to make of him, or myself.
Sometimes I feel empty, like a ghost floating through each day in a daze, not thinking or feeling. Sometimes I feel full to the brim, like I’m going to explode at a moment’s notice. I don’t know if anypony can see it. I hope they can’t. I don’t think they can. I’ll be over it soon. I need to be.
Everything is going to be fine. I’ll be a star. I’ll take to the stage as hundreds of ponies gasp in amazement and awe. That’ll help me get over things. Maybe Sparks and I will further our relationship and I’ll learn to love him. That’ll help me get over things. It’s only been three weeks and two days since that night at Nico’s. If I just keep waiting and waiting, in a few months my feelings should fade. Yes, I can feel them beginning to fade right now. If I just think about all the things I don’t like about him I’ll forget I ever even liked him. Then we’ll go back to being friends, and my life will be perfect. Everypony is proud of me. Everypony is happy for me. Soon, I’ll be able to feel the same way about myself. Yes… everything will be fine. It’ll all be fine.
“Rosa, is something wrong? What are you…”
“Do you think we need a bit more distance? Like, maybe if you stand to the side a bit and then walk towards me.”
“Oh, and then I can start with my line when I’ve reached there. Yeah, I think that could work. Then Melon could stop here.”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. Read my mind, you did!”
Rosa, Court and Melon were discussing aspects of certain scenes. Now that they knew how much space they would have on stage and where the props would be, they wanted to ensure that their positioning would allow for the audience to see exactly what was going on without all of them crowding in the convenient empty floor space.
Most of the scenes Rosa was in featured the characters of Veracity and Reverie, with a small number near the end taking place with other ‘Doctors’. Strangely enough, she found those to be the easiest to perform. Her actions dominated over her words, and it was more about her expressions and gestures. She could do sadness and discomfort quite well it seemed.
Just as they continued with rehearsal, they heard a loud clapping from the opposite end of the hall. Roadie was perched atop a table, and cupped his hooves to his mouth to emulate a megaphone.
“Everyone over here, please! We have an announcement to make!”
There was some murmuring and exchanged looks of curiosity and annoyance, ponies shuffling from where they were to form a small crowd. Rosa, Court and Melon found themselves herded towards the front to see Floyd levitating a bound scroll, an enormous grin splashed across his face.
“Thank you, everypony. I have some news that I’m sure all of you have been waiting to hear for a long time.”
The whispers and murmurs began again as he cleared his throat and scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“I’ve finally found us a venue for our performance.”
There was an eruption of gasps and faint cheers throughout the crowd, some ponies nudging one another playfully. Rosa could feel her mouth widening into a smile. In her mental state she could do with some good news, and here it was.
“Quiet, please!” Floyd bellowed as best he could, but it came out as more of a rasp. He coughed, and the surrounding ponies hushed around him.
“I’ve found us a venue, if, and this is the big if, we can prove to a panel of judges and critics that our play is up to standard. They’ve agreed to pay a visit this coming Saturday afternoon, so if anypony here is busy then, they need to let me know as soon as possible.”
A silence fell among them for a few moments until a lone unicorn colt piped up. “What venue would it be? If we impress them, that is.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to mention that. It would be in Canterlot, but as to which one, I don’t know. There are quite a few in Canterlot as some of you may be aware of. Regardless, I should hope that this is encouragement enough for you all to perfect your work.”
Please be the Royal Canterlot Auditorium, please, please, please… Rosa thought to herself, the memory of her first date with Sparks flooding back. She gathered that it was unlikely, otherwise Floyd would be shouting from the rooftops. Still, the excitement of that possibility was still there.
“I’ve been allowed to keep this theatre open for each day this week after 6 o’ clock, so please do stop by whenever you can. This Friday evening I hope we can run through the entire performance as if it were actually happening with the first group of actors, with another on Saturday morning for the substitute actors. I would recommend that you all show up to both if you can, just in case we run into trouble.
“I’m very impressed with all of you and what you’ve already achieved, and I know that you’re all more than capable of putting on a great show for the judges. We may need to do a bit of spring cleaning in here, but I think we can manage that.”
There was a faint chuckle among them as he nodded towards a mass of cobwebs that lined the ceiling. The mood had changed dramatically, and where there were frowns or looks of perpetual indifference before, they had been replaced by smiles and pensive expressions, starry-eyed ponies staring into space and imagining what was before them. For some, it was fame. For others, it would be money. For Rosa, it was a means of freedom.
“With that said, you slackers can get back to what you were doing,” Floyd barked jokingly. Rosa could have sworn it was the first sarcastic comment she’d ever heard him utter, and almost took him seriously for a second before noticing the spring in his step as he stepped away from the crowd.
They were all abuzz at that. Some dashed off to what they were doing before, nattering with encouragement about something they wanted to work on. Rosa felt a hoof clamp down on her shoulder as Court pulled her and Melon together.
“Looks like we’re all gonna be famous!” he squealed in a feminine voice, and Rosa couldn’t help but laugh. She hugged him back, and when Melon didn’t do the same Court pulled her in tightly causing her to gasp in surprise. She appeared annoyed at first, but the smile soon crept back onto her face.
“I’m just glad we know what’s happening now,” she sighed. “All this time not having a clue…”
“Well that’s over now, sweet cheeks!” Court chirped, tightening his grip on the pair of them. “Our paths are paved in gold from here on out!”
The two mares were released, and Melon began to comb her mane back into shape, appearing both flustered and a little irritated. Rosa laughed silently and turned around to where Clover was stood, chatting to another pegasus mare.
“I’ll be with you two in a second,” Rosa said, and paced her way over to her friend. Clover spotted her coming and smiled welcomingly, cutting off her own conversation and walking towards her.
“Great news, isn’t it?” Clover beamed.
“I know, I know. I’ve been waiting for this to finally happen. For a while I thought we were all doing this for nothing.”
“Me too. I hope I don’t get too nervous at my performance though. I’d hate to let everypony down.”
“We can both be nervous together then! Ugh, it’s going to be a pretty busy time from here on out. I’ll have to make do with reciting lines while I work! You’re not going to be busy or anything? You’re not going to have some emergency weather team meeting, are you?”
“No… There are plenty of pegasi who can help out at any time, and it’s not like we’re due a winter wrap up or something anytime soon. It should be fine.”
Their attention was diverted to a loud crash as a young colt accidentally knocked over a set of cymbals, causing one of the fillies to leap at least two feet in fright. Those that saw the event couldn’t help but laugh, and the two foals bashfully reset the cymbals, the colt receiving a stern scolding from his friend. Rosa smirked, and was ready to say goodbye and make her way back to Court and Melon when Clover spoke up again.
“Um… so when this is over, do you think we should have some kind of meet up? Like the old times. I guess they’re not really old times, but you get what I mean.”
Rosa felt a lump in her throat. She’d been doing fine this past week. Great, even. She’d managed to keep her mind occupied with other things, making sure her feelings would fade. Of course, she had only been convincing herself that they were fading. She was just doing a good job of pushing her feelings deeper and deeper, but now, with Clover’s casual comment, they were rushing forward, dangerously close to spilling out.
“I… We’ll see,” she said, and gave a weak smile. “Anyway, we’d better get cracking with all this stuff. Good luck!”
Her friend’s goodbye seeming like a faint echo in a cave, she practically ran to where Court and Melon stood mulling over a script.
“Oh Rosa,” Court acknowledged, stepping towards her with a sheepish expression. “You don’t mind if me and Melon go through the hilltop scene, do you? We were just talking about how we’ve not gone through it too often.”
“Fine by me. I… I guess I’ll just grab some fresh air then. I’ll be with you in a minute!”
Barely taking notice of their concerned faces, Rosa sped off once more, grateful for some kind of excuse to get the hell out of there. Why? How has fresh air going to help? She had once famously said that fresh air and sunshine were overrated. It didn’t matter; her brain was betraying her, replaying past memories of Nico in front of her as clear as day. She just wanted a moment to herself.
The air was cold and still. Darkness surrounded her like a thick blanket. The odd lamps from the homes of other ponies flickered off in the distance. It was silent save for the creaks and croaks of the
…done so much. I’m making this world a better…
wooden beams and struts of the theatre building. The stars twinkled, dotting the night sky with spectacular beauty. From here she could see the spire of an old church, its bell glinting as it reflected
…doesn’t need to say that he loves me because I already know. The way he…
the light from the moon. She took deep breaths, the chilly freshness of the air nearly stinging her nostrils. She paused before sloping her back down the pine beam and slumping to the floor, her head
…just a charade all these years? If I was truly one of his best friends, shouldn’t…
resting into her hooves. Her heartbeat felt irregular, as if it were accelerating and slowing over and over. Maybe it was steady and the sensation was just a cause
…stay out of my life. I want him to run off into the horizon…
of her now chaotic mind. She couldn’t tell. This had been the first time she’d felt such a surge in emotion like this since that totally normal, uneventful night where nothing had happened and yet
…like a ghost floating through each day in a daze, not thinking…
she had broken down. It had played on her mind ever since then, but she had been able to handle it. She could feel her pain, but she could keep it at bay and look at the bright side. Far worse things had happened to much better ponies, and she had been able to keep
…help me get over things. It’s only been three weeks and two days since…
herself in check by reminding herself that. Now though, her rational thought had degraded. Her chest began to ache as the entirety of the situation flooded back to her like a burst dam. It felt so unnatural for something like this to have been set off by such a small comment, and yet here she was; on the brink of sobbing after just hearing some of the best news
…be able to feel the same way about myself. Yes… everything…
in years. She curled herself up, not to resist the cold but as some sort of attempt to contain herself. Suddenly, the theatre door burst open and she sharply craned her neck in surprise.
“Rosa, is something wrong? What are you doing out here?”
Clover stood at the doorway, her serious expression quickly morphing into one of panic. They remained silent for a few seconds, their eyes locked. Finally, Rosa managed to spout, “I just needed some fresh air,” and then turned away. Yeah, real convincing, she thought.
Clover made no movement at first, but slowly tip tapped her way over and sat down next to her. “Is there something you want to talk about? Did somepony say something nasty to you? Did Courtney tease you or something?”
Feeling suffocated between the barrage of questions and the weight of her own mentality, Rosa sprung her forelegs open as if in a fit of rage. Not because she was angry at Clover or anyone else. She was angry at herself.
“I’ll be OK, Clover. I just need a few minutes of fresh air then I’ll be fine.” She tried her best to make it sound emotionless and flat, but her attempt failed miserably.
“If something’s happened you know you can tell me anything, right?”
Rosa dropped the eye contact and sighed, attempting a flimsy smile. “I know.” But she didn’t know. Maybe she should have complete confidence in Clover; she always was the smarter, more methodical one among them. It didn’t feel right, though. Sure, tell her everything! a raspy voice from the back of her mind spewed out. Tell her you’re in love with your mutual best friend, that you’re not sure if your relationship with Sparks is fake or if you just want him for his body, even though you think that anypony like that should go jump in a ditch. Most of all, tell her that you couldn’t give a damn about anypony else and want to wallow over your petty little problems like an insecure foal. Go ahead and see what happens!
“So, are you going to tell me?”
Rosa was broken from her trance, realising that they’d shared a long, uncomfortable silence. She turned to Clover, valiantly trying to keep herself from sobbing into her friend’s hooves. If she did that, there would be no way around it. She’d have to spill the beans there and then, possibly stifling their friendship.
“It’s something I need to sort out on my own,” she said finally, standing more upright. “This isn’t exactly something I can share, at least not right now.”
Clover examined her carefully before a small grin broke out on her face. “I understand. I wouldn’t force you to say something if you really didn’t want to.” She slowly made her way over to the entrance and nudged the door open, standing half in, half out. “Just remember that I’m always here if you need me. Whatever it is, I’ll be there.” And with that, she was gone.
It was times like this that made Rosa feel completely overshadowed by Clover. She almost seemed perfect, as if she could always say the right thing at the right time. She had never needed a shoulder to cry on, and she would always keep positive. If there was anypony in Equus that Rosa wanted to be like, it was Clover.
She exhaled deeply and slumped back to the ground, debating whether to go back into the theatre. Her eyes weren’t welling up but she could feel phantom tears arranging, ready to burst out of her. Clover’s speech had only increased her feelings of guilt, but she supposed that she should be feeling guilty. She was effectively duping Sparks for one. She couldn’t even be sure if she was still with him because she liked him or because he was some kind of distraction. She couldn’t dump him though. She just couldn’t. It would simply leave her with more to deal with and make her feel even more alone.
“I’m so selfish,” she whispered to herself.
After a few minutes of pulling herself together and regaining some confidence, Rosa ventured back into the theatre only to let Court and Melon know that she would have to leave. She made up an excuse about not feeling well, which wasn’t actually a lie. The two of them looked shocked, but dutifully allowed her to go, not asking any more of it. That was a relief.
She quickly made her way home, the sanctuary of her room now feeling like the one safe haven. She would have to tell her parents about Floyd’s news, of course. If she didn’t, they would either take it that she was deliberately hiding something from them, or that she didn’t care about them, or something. It was a stupid thought, really, but one that held a kind of solidity amongst the cyclone of her mind.
I’m going to be OK, she repeated to herself, slowing her walking speed and listening as the thump, thump of her heartbeat became slower and less prominent in her ears. That’s it, calm yourself, calm yourself…
She drew in a deep breath as she opened her front door, her mother just beyond it, sorting through a stack of new deliveries.
“Ah, you’re home early! How is everything, dear?”
“Pretty good actually. They’ve found a possible venue for our production, at least, once we’ve proved that we’re good enough.”
“Oh that’s wonderful!” her mother cried, immediately dropping the book in her hooves and giving Rosa her full attention.
“Yeah, it is. We have to perform for some judges, or something. If they like us, we could be going to Canterlot.”
Rosa began to walk casually through the centre aisle, desperate to end the conversation and get upstairs, but she slowed and eventually stopped as she noticed her mother’s face, stricken with unmistakable anxiety. What now? she thought, being far from in the mood for some lecture about being careful away from home or whatever it was.
“Something wrong?” she said, sounding a little too sharp even for her own liking.
“Oh… no, nothing dear, it’s nothing.”
Completely unconvinced, but not caring in the slightest, Rosa walked swiftly upstairs. She didn’t want to deal with anything right now. At this moment, she wanted to get her head straight.
What had set her off? It was just a simple comment from Clover about everypony meeting up again. That was all it had been, and yet…
Yeah, she thought, sitting idly at her desk. She might have been able to deal with the ordeal, but she hadn’t thought, hadn’t wanted to think about how life was just going on as normal for everypony else. She had felt that sense of crushing defeat, but nopony else felt anything. She was alone in all of this. She thought that she could handle the pain, and she had, but Clover shot it home how it meant nothing to the lives of those around her. They just wanted to go on doing normal, everyday things. Friends meet up with other friends, right?
She had the excuse of wanting to practice for the play. That would have to be her saving grace, for now. If anypony asked her to do anything else, she could say “Sorry, I have to do this, it’s really, really important.” That could work…
She thought of Clover’s words again, how the mare had offered to let her know her true feelings. If she could share this burden, would it make things easier?
No! a voice barked at her. If you do that, things won’t be the same. What will she even think of you? No, you have to deal with this by yourself.
Rosa pushed herself back from the desk and lay on the hard wood floor. For some reason she didn’t want her comfy bed, mere feet away. She thought of a novel she’d read long ago in which two lovers were separated for five years, spent the entire time trying to find each other, only to be reunited and instantly fall in love again. She thought it was stupid, that no two ponies could ever love each other as much as that; it was like some kind of warped obsession. As she lay there, she wondered if she would be like the mare from that story and never lose her love. It was strange. She’d never really thought about it this way before Sparks, before any of this. Maybe I should have.
It was Friday, the day of the judges’ visit. Everypony behind the set looked nervous, even the ever jubilant Court. One misstep from anypony could spell doom for them all, and they knew it. Weeks of work would depend on this. Their lives would depend on this.
For the past few days everypony involved gave it everything they’d got. They’d managed three full rehearsals of the entire play, with only one mistake by the filly who played young Veracity in one of the flashback sequences. She’d stuffed the ordering of her lines resulting in some face-hoofing from onlookers. She’d noticed her mistakes at once and Floyd allowed them to begin the scene from the start. This time, everything went perfectly, though the filly was later seen crying by herself, bawling about how she was a failure. The colt playing young Reverie managed to calm her down, reminding her that, “Nopony is perfect, but you’re pretty close, you know?” The blatant flattery worked and the filly regained her confidence. Hers was a part where there was no substitute, so they couldn’t really afford to lose her as a performer.
Melon and Court were spot on, as per usual. Their timing wasn’t even a millisecond out of place, and each line rolled naturally off their tongues. It was uncanny at times; you could almost think of them as actually being Reverie and Veracity. Their substitutes, while proficient actors, definitely lacked the on-stage of chemistry that Court and Melon had in spades. Their ability to draw ponies into each scene even after multiple viewings was unnatural. There was no doubt in Rosa’s mind that the two of them deserved to be stars.
As for her own performance, Rosa found that by bringing herself back to how she felt when she first read the novel, she could bring the character of Esmeralda to life. The friendly nature with a hint of what could be malice; that character was a part of her now. Then there was Dr Emerald, a caring, but troubled doctor who refused to lose hope. Esmeralda was the mask she wore, the doctor had invented so that she could hide who she really was. It was all too familiar, and yet that made it ever so right.
Rosa’s time helping at the bookstore had rushed past as if she were on some kind of drug. She would be lost in her own world, trying to remember her lines as she kept her other thoughts at bay. Her parents acted indifferently. Whatever scare her mother had must have been some random thought. It didn’t matter anyway. They didn’t bother her or ask her to go out of her way to do things, which was enough. Every little helped these days.
At this moment, the heat was on. Melon Collie was pacing back and forth, muttering lines under her breath. Courtney Jester sat to the side, his eyes closed and his hooves tapping gently at the floor as he ran through each scene in his head. There were stage-hoofs shuffling around, making sure that all props were accounted for. Other actors milled about, chatting nervously and taking deep breaths.
The first scene began with Veracity writing in her diary, when Reverie would pop up, surprise her, and try and glean information on what she was writing. She would then get annoyed, eventually sending him tumbling out of a window. It was light-hearted, and helped get the nature of the two characters across. The difficulty was in terms of physical positioning; they had to manoeuvre around each other and across the room while still making sure that the audience could see what was going on. Rosa wouldn’t be needed until the third scene.
Roadie stepped up quietly and shot a signal to them. It was time.
Rosa stood behind the stage curtain, watching as everypony got into position, an air of fear and excitement among them. She felt neither of those. She was neither confident, nor scared. She knew that she could act and play the part. Pretending to be somepony that she wasn’t didn’t seem like much of a big deal anymore. In fact, it was all she could do.
Every minute, of every hour, of every day.
Forever, if need be.
The hardest lesson of all to learn is that there’s no such thing as learning the easy way.
The curtain rose, and she smiled.