//------------------------------// // Guilt // Story: Like Shattered Glass // by Arwhale //------------------------------// It was the kind of darkness where the more you tried to adjust to it, the darker it grew. Darkness that felt thick like a heavy fog, so dense you could stir it with a spoon. Voices echoed in the void, indistinct, yet somehow familiar. They came from every direction, starting from afar, and getting closer. Getting louder. “…Rar…ity…” A voice reverberated in the darkness. She knew that word. It was a name. Her name. She peered into the murky fog, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t find the source. “…fainted…ing to…” Fainted… The rain, the thunder, the pounding of her hooves over the muddy earth. Light from rows of windows glowing in the distance, brightly lit hospital halls, cries of desperation, and a fade to black. Fragments of the past all pieced back together into one rolling memory. She was awake. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………… Nopony said a word. Twilight held her breath, watching Rarity’s now open eyes peering up at the ceiling. Her limbs were not moving at all, but her chest noticeably rose and fell with greater vigor as her lungs tried to feed her frail body the energy to sustain consciousness. Eyeballs moving in their sockets, she took in her unfamiliar surroundings without moving her head. She could see Twilight, along with Applejack, her sister’s friends, and Spike all standing in the doorway, watching her. Nurse Redheart was the first one brave enough to move. She nudged the cart with the pitcher of water forward very gingerly, pushing it over to Rarity’s bedside. The unicorn rolled her head over at the sound of the squeaking wagon wheels. Nurse Redheart watched her closely. She hadn’t forgotten their confrontation from before. “Where… did you put me?” Rarity croaked. Nurse Redheart reacted quickly, scurrying over to the bed and held Rarity down with one gentle hoof as the unicorn tried to get up from the bed. “Stay right there,” she ordered in a near-whisper. Rarity was too weak to resist the hoof pressing on her chest, so she gave in and laid back down on the bed. “You fainted, so Applejack and I carried you to a bed. That’s where you are right now.” Rarity’s bloodshot eyes were directed right at her, but she did not say a word. Nurse Redheart filled one of the glasses with the pitcher of water and brought it over to Rarity. “Here, sit up,” Nurse Redheart propped her head up by sliding a hoof under Rarity’s head. “Drink this.” She held the full cup to Rarity’s lips. The unicorn stared at the cup for a few seconds, as though she were trying to discern whether or not the nurse was trying to poison her, but eventually placed her lips on the rim of the glass and took a slow, drawn out sip. However, once the edge of the glass left her lips, Rarity was suddenly bombarded with the sensation of sandpaper grinding against the inside of her throat. Pushing herself up off the bed with her foreleg, she leaned forward and began swallowing the water in huge gulps, desperate to quench her raging thirst. But before she could drink the entire glass, Nurse Redheart pulled it away. “Slower. You’ll make yourself sick.” She held Rarity back with her other hoof, speaking as calmly as possible. “Just take one sip at a time.” Rarity pushed back against Nurse Redheart’s restraining hoof, but it was no use. She let her body fall back with a deep exhale, and at once the nurse brought the water back to her parched lips. “That’s it. One sip at a time,” she encouraged, tilting the glass gradually until all the water was gone. She peeled the glass away from the unicorn’s dry lips once the last drop had trickled into her mouth and proceeded to refill it, using up the rest of the water in the pitcher. Spike migrated to the front of the group, holding himself back from running over to Rarity’s bedside to ask if she was alright. The more glimpses he got of Rarity, the more terrible her appearance became; the musty odor of dried sweat coating her body and the state of her mane and tail made her seem as though she had not cared for herself in many days. It was unnerving for him to see her like this. “Is Rarity okay?” Spike whispered in Twilight’s ear. Twilight looked down at her assistant, who was staring at the scene before him in slack-jawed worry. She wrapped a hoof around him. “Yes, Spike, she’s going to be fine. You don’t need to worry about her,” she whispered back, patting Spike’s head. “She just fainted, that’s all. She’s fine.” Rarity was on her second glass, taking a deep breath through her nose in between every sip. Her eyes were closed. For a moment, there was nothing in her world but her and the water soothing her burning tongue. Only a moment. “I’ll be right back,” said Nurse Redheart as Rarity drank the last few drops. She put the cup on the cart and carefully laid Rarity’s head back down on the pillow. “I’ll leave you all here for a minute while I get some more.” Twilight and the rest of the gang stepped out of the way to let Nurse Redheart through. Once she had left, they all came over to Rarity’s bedside, with Spike in the lead. “Oh man, are you okay, Rarity?” Spike stood right next to her head, digging into the side of the mattress with his claws. Rarity saw Spike standing next to her, eyes wide with concern, and for the first time that day her lips cracked a smile. “H-hey, Spikey Wikey,” she called Spike by her pet name for him, making his cheeks turn red. She reached over and tweaked his headscales. “Yes, I-I’m fine. Terribly thirsty, though…” “Well, after running like that, you should be, Rares,” commented Applejack. She and the two fillies took a spot next to Spike. “Y’all ran so hard you nearly ran yourself into the ground.” Immediately, Rarity’s smile disappeared. She closed her eyes, plopping her head back onto the pillow. Her voice carried a sort of bitterness with it that put everyone in the room at unease. “And I’m sure that you would have done the same thing had it been your sister who was dying in the hospital, Applejack.” The very mention of Sweetie Belle dying hit Applebloom and Scootaloo hard. Applebloom closed her eyes to prevent a fresh batch of tears from escaping and Scootaloo went back to looking stoically at the floor. From her place at the foot of Rarity’s bed, Twilight noticed the distraught fillies almost immediately. “Dying? Oh no, no, Rarity. Nurse Redheart told me they have antivenom, so Sweetie Belle’s chances of survival are very high.” The statement was true, but nonetheless made with the intent of giving the fillies some hope that their friend would make it out okay. It appeared to have a positive effect on the girls, but Rarity was still not comforted in the slightest. “But what if something else happens? What if I can’t see her and then she…” Rarity trailed off, not wanting to say the dreaded word once more. “I know this must be hard for y’all, Rarity,” Applejack interjected, “but if y’all, or any of us got in the way, we’d just be doing more harm than good. The nurse said so.” “But I need to see her… you don’t understand…” Her voice broke. “You don’t understand.” Twilight grimaced, empathizing with her friend’s pain. “I know, Rarity. We all know how hard this must be. I can’t imagine how this must feel—” “No.” Rarity sat up in the bed, fixing Twilight with a frightening glare. “No, you don’t. You don’t know. None of you do!” Rarity erupted, taking them all off guard. Angry tears streamed from her now open eyes in rivulets. “You don’t know anything at all! You…” No sooner had the words left her mouth that she was overcome with dizziness. With a low groan, she put a hoof to her forehead and fell back down onto the mattress with a cushioned thud. Seeing her collapse, Spike went into action. “Oh no, did she faint again?” He hopped up on the bed, kneeling beside her. He reached out to touch Rarity’s face to see if she was still conscious, but got his answer when Rarity weakly batted his hand away. “No, I—I’m awake.” She pressed both forelegs on either side of her head, trying to stop the spinning sensation which had taken a hold of her. Everybody watched her without uttering a word. . A little while went by before the dizziness finally subsided. She stopped pressing on her head, and when her eyes opened, she was looking straight at Applejack. “I’m sorry, everypony… Applejack,” her voice dropped to a whisper, “I… I need to talk to you. Alone. Please.” The farm mare stared back into Rarity’s pleading eyes. She glanced over at Twilight, who nodded her head in approval, and faced Rarity again. “Sure, Rare. That’s fine by me.” She turned to Applebloom and Scootaloo beside her. “Now, I’m gonna need you girls to go with Twilight while Ah talk with Rarity, alright?” Applebloom frowned at the prospect of being separated from her sister yet again, but they both replied in the affirmative. “Mmhm.” “Good. Now go with Twilight back to the waiting room for a bit, okay? We’ll meet you there.” She nudged them toward the purple alicorn, who took them by the hoof. “You got ‘em, Twi?” “Yeah I got them. Come on, girls.” She led them to the door. That’s when she noticed Spike, still kneeling on the mattress. “You too, Spike.” “Aw, do I have to?” He whined. Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, you do. Come on.” She wrapped him in an aura of magic and levitated him over to her. He looked back forlornly at Rarity, but didn’t say anything else in protest. Before they could leave, however, they were stopped by the sound of Nurse Redheart’s cart rolling down the hallway. She held them out of the way as Redheart strolled in, pushing a cart containing a brand new pitcher of water over to Rarity’s bedside. “I’m back.” She stopped the cart closer to the foot of Rarity’s bed. Noticing Twilight and the others leaving the room behind her, she looked at Applejack with her eyebrows raised in puzzlement. “What’s going on?” Applejack touched the other mare on the shoulder in a gesture of gratefulness. “I appreciate all the work y’all have been doing, nurse… but Rarity asked me if she could talk to me in private. I hope that’s okay.” As she spoke, Rarity petitioned Nurse Redheart with a watery gaze. The nurse looked down at the hoof on her shoulder, and her lips parted into a smile. She patted the orange mare’s outstretched foreleg. “Of course it’s okay. I’ll leave you two alone.” She wasted no time in going. She left the full pitcher of ice water and the two mares behind, closing the door to the room behind her. Once she was gone, Applejack took a seat next to Rarity. “I’m all ears, Rare.” ……………………………………………………………………………………………………… Twilight led Spike, Applebloom and Scootaloo back to the waiting room. Outside, the storm was coming to an end, but the moon had taken the sun’s place over the horizon. Twilight gasped. “Oh my gosh, it’s already night time?” she asked herself in disbelief. Just then, the thought occurred to her; Applebloom was here with Applejack, but Scootaloo’s mom and dad were nowhere to be found. “Does your mom or dad know you’re here right now, Scootaloo?” She said to the pegasus filly to her left. Scootaloo shook her head. “No…” “No!” Twilight panicked. “Oh my gosh, they must be worried sick! I gotta go tell them what’s going on—” “My dad’s not home. I’m home alone right now.” Scootaloo hastily interrupted. In an instant, Twilight felt a wave of relief wash over her. But at the same time, something felt off; Scootaloo, still a young filly, was home alone? With no foalsitter? “Oh. Well, then...” she cleared her throat, “did he say when he was getting back?” Scootaloo shrugged. “Dunno. He just left today, so…” She sat down on the bench. Twilight wrinkled her snout. “So you don’t know?” Scootaloo shrugged again. “Not tonight. I know that much.” Twilight opened her mouth, about to ask another question, but out of her peripheral vision she noticed Spike staring right at her with a cautionary look. He gave an almost imperceptible shake of the head, silently telling her to drop the issue. She took his wordless warning seriously and closed her mouth before another question could escape. “Oh. So… crisis averted, I guess,” she said with an exhale. Her attention shifted to all three of them. “And I’m so sorry, guys. For everything. If you guys want to talk, I’m right here,” she offered. Applebloom wiped her snout. He head was so low it was practically scraping the tiles. “That’s okay… y’all ain’t the one who should be sorry.” The filly looked like she had just been sentenced to death, appearing more ashamed and sorry than Twilight had ever seen. “What do you mean?” “It wasn’t your fault she got bit. It was… mine.” “No, it wasn’t just you. It was me, too.” added Scootaloo from behind her, hiding her face in her hooves. “It’s kind of both of our faults…” Twilight looked at them like they each had two heads. “What are you girls talking about?” ……………………………………………………………………………………………………… Upon seeing the new pitcher of ice water, Rarity had taken a moment to soothe her parched throat before she spoke. She levitated the glass to her lips, took a few swigs, set the glass down, and repeated the cycle. Applejack’s tail swished from side to side on the hard floor while she waited. She reached her hoof up to adjust her hat nervously, but her hoof only touched her mane. Oh yeah. Forgot about that. She set her hoof back down to the floor with a sulk. Without her hat, she felt like a part of her was missing. Rarity levitated the now empty glass to the cart and set it down on top. Applejack pointed to the pitcher. “Y’all want some more, Rares?” “No, that’s quite enough.” She coughed into her foreleg. “I’ve had more than I deserve already.” Applejack tilted her head. “More than you deserve? What the hay are you going on about?” Rarity did not answer right away. She bit her quivering lip. Applejack leaned on the mattress. “Come on, Rarity. Ah’m here for ya. Talk to me. Y’all can talk to me about anything, Sugarcube.” It was as though her speaking had ignited a small flame of anger inside her friend. The unicorn's teeth gritted together. “Don’t call me ‘Sugarcube,’” she growled. Applejack was taken aback by Rarity’s sudden change in demeanor. Unease built up in the pit of her stomach and she shifted uncomfortably. “S-s-sorry, Rare. Ah didn’t know you hated it so much.” Just as quickly as it had arrived, her anger went away. She shook her head, sighing with exasperation. “No, I don’t, it’s just—I don’t deserve it. The sympathy, the water, nothing. All this was my own doing. I should have been the one who was bitten, not her…” She took in a shuddering breath, shutting her eyes. “Now, now, Rarity, that ain’t no way to talk.” Applejack approached her, looking her dead in the eye. “Ah know y’all would trade places with your sister in a heartbeat if you could. Ah’d want to do the same if it were my sister. But none of this was your doing, or anypony else’s.” Rarity covered her face with both hooves. Her head was shaking back and forth on the pillow. “No, Applejack. You’re wrong… I did something.” The words hung ominously in the air. Applejack’s eyes widened at the statement; it was simple, yet vague enough to conjure up any and every horror imaginable. Rarity sat up against the headboard, inhaling and exhaling rapidly. “What’d you do?” Applejack dared to ask. Tears spilled silently out of the corners of Rarity’s closed eyes. Her breath caught in her chest, but she forced herself to speak. “This weekend… I was working on a new project. It was a series of dresses for an exhibition in Canterlot. The exhibition was only a few days away, so I spent the entire weekend making it. Two days straight, but I finally finished it this morning.” She shook her head with regret. “Sweetie Belle kept telling me that I was… wearing myself out. I didn’t listen to her. I thought I could handle it, but… this morning…” She stopped to take another set of deep breaths. Applejack waited patiently for Rarity to pull herself together before she was able to continue. “…This morning, Sweetie Belle went out to play with her friends. I was in the kitchen when I heard a loud crash upstairs. I ran up to the workroom to investigate… and everything was ruined. Sweetie Belle had accidentally kicked a ball through the window, and it hit one of the dresses in the lineup, and everything just fell over and… oh Applejack,” she squeaked, “I got so angry.” Rarity was making a valiant effort not to cry, but she was starting to lose the battle. Applejack listened wordlessly; she recalled the story Applebloom and Scootaloo had told her, and was quickly putting the pieces together. “When she came upstairs, I was so furious… I screamed at her. Do you know what I said?” she whimpered. It was taking everything in her power to hold back the tears. “I told her to get out. I told her I didn’t care, Applejack. She said she was sorry, but I-I didn’t care. And then… I told her to leave and never come back…” Applejack’s jaw went slack with shock. She could never even imagine saying something so terrible to her own sister. “So she ran away… that’s why she was on the Acres and she…” Applejack didn’t finish the sentence. “Sh-she ran away, Applejack,” Rarity stuttered, sucking in one last breath of air, “and… she never came back!” Despair and guilt overwhelmed her. She wailed with anguish, snot and tears soaking the bedsheets she pressed to her face. For once, Applejack could not find any advice to give, any consolation to offer her friend. All of Rarity’s guilt, all of her self-hatred; it all made sense. “Sh-she l-loved me, and I disowned her! And now she’s suffering, and… it’s all my fault!” Rarity sat hunched over against the headboard, rocking her body from side to side like a baby foal. Applejack felt tears springing to her own eyes as she leaned forward, wrapping her forelegs around Rarity’s shivering form in a compassionate hug. “Oh Rarity,” Applejack whispered. “Ah didn’t know…” ……………………………………………………………………………………………………… Applebloom and Scootaloo had taken turns retelling to Twilight the same story they had told Applejack, with Spike standing off as a silent spectator. The alicorn refrained from asking questions and listened carefully; the girls looked like they were melting into a puddle on the floor. “And that’s why if we didn’t make her play with us, nothin' woulda happened,” Applebloom concluded the tale with a sniffle. “And it was my idea to play behind Rarity’s in the first place, so if I hadn’t—” “Girls, stop, please,” Twilight interrupted Scootaloo, holding up her hoof. They fell quiet, staring at her with watery eyes as though she was about to send them to some hidden dungeon under her library. “Now, girls, I can understand why you would feel guilty about Sweetie Belle,” she said, bending down until she was at eye level with the two fillies, “and maaaaybe it wasn’t the smartest idea to play kickball so close to somepony’s house, but it’s not your fault that Sweetie Belle got hurt. There’s no reason to feel like you caused what happened, okay?” Applebloom and Scootaloo stared back at her with disbelief. “B-but… if we didn’t…” “Shhh.” Twilight placed a hoof over Applebloom’s lips. “Listen to me, both of you. No matter what happens, none of this was your fault. You were just being good friends and trying to cheer poor Sweetie up, that’s all. Nopony, and I mean nopony could have foreseen any of this. You girls did nothing wrong. Okay?” She looked directly into their eyes. Seeing all of the guilt that had been pent up inside them, guilt which led them to believe they were the reason why their friend was suffering, made her heart ache. It was an awful burden for anypony to carry, let alone somepony their age. “Okay…” They finally agreed, wiped their eyes and snouts. They were holding their heads up higher now, the terrible burden of guilt starting to fall from their shoulders. Twilight smiled. “Okay, good. Now come here; you girls look like you could use a hug.” She sat down and spread her forelegs wide, pulling them into her body. They welcomed the hug, closing their tear-stained eyes with momentary peace and contentment. Spike’s feet fidgeted as he watched the hug from his place a few steps away. Twilight noticed him standing there, awkwardly watching the tender moment from afar. “Hey, you can have a hug too, you know.” She invited him over. He stepped back, holding up his hands with palms facing outward. “Nahhh. That’s okay, I don’t want… whooaaaa!” he exclaimed in surprise as he was suddenly levitated off the ground by her magic. Twilight brought him into the hug, rubbing the side of her face against his cheek with motherly affection. “See? Boys need hugs, too,” she said, making his cheeks flush red with embarrassment. Applebloom and Scootaloo giggled. “Alright, alright, you can put me down now, sheesh,” he said, annoyed. Twilight gave him a look of mock dejection. “Really? Well, if you say so.” She hovered him back down to the floor. He turned away from her and crossed his arms over his chest, making an effort to hide a smile which was creeping up on his face. “Okay, I think that’s enough for now,” Twilight let the two girls go. She could already tell from looking at them that they were doing better. “Are you still feeling guilty from before?” They shook their heads. She smiled warmly. “Good. Now, let’s all just take a seat and relax until Applejack and Rarity come back.” ……………………………………………………………………………………………………… Piercing wails had given way to silent weeping, and Rarity’s chest and shoulders heaved with every strangled sob. Applejack was on the bed with her, holding onto her tight and whispering sweet nothings into her ear while she thought of something, anything to say. The farm mare leaned in closer as Rarity began to speak, her voice slightly muffled by the sheets. “I want her to know I’m s-sorry. I want… I want her to know her sister loves her before it’s too late.” Applejack patted Rarity's back, resting her chin on her friend's shoulder. “It’s not gonna be too late, Rare. You’ll get the chance.” “How do you know?” Rarity retorted, looking back at her with a single, red eye. “How? She was bitten by a rattlesnake, Applejack! A rattlesnake that could kill a stallion, let alone a sweet innocent filly like her!” “And they got the antivenom.” Applejack calmly reassured her. “The Doctor, Nurse Redheart, and all the rest of ‘em are working full throttle to make sure Sweetie’s gonna be okay. They said so.” “But they still don’t know, Applejack! Something could go wrong and… she’ll die thinking I hate her. Me, her own sister…” Applejack opened her mouth to speak, about to say some more reassuring words, when Rarity’s words hit her fully. She gazed at the mattress distantly, pondering. No matter how soothing she could try to be, no matter how much she insisted that Sweetie Belle would be alright, there was still nothing she could guarantee. No promises she could make. The silence was deafening. Rarity half-expected Applejack to immediately refute her, to tell her that Sweetie Belle wasn’t going to die and that everything was going to be alright. But her friend said nothing of the sort. She heard her friend sigh, and felt the other mare's breath tickle the side of her face. “Y’all are right, Rare. Ah don’t know. Nopony knows. And as much as Ah want to guarantee Sweetie Belle will live through this… Ah just can’t." She closed her eyes. "Ah wish Ah could, but all Ah’d be doing is lying to you an’ making a promise Ah can’t keep.” Rarity’s breathing stopped, and she held the air in her lungs. Despair loomed over her like a boulder, ready to smash her to pieces. But Applejack was not done. “But Ah will tell you this.” She hugged her around the base of her neck, gently pulling Rarity’s head into her neck and cradling it in her forelegs. “Sweetie Belle doesn’t blame you, Rare. She doesn’t. You said things, awful things, but… it wasn’t nopony’s fault that this happened. And if she goes to heaven tonight…” She inhaled sharply. “…she’ll be looking down at you, and she’ll see… she’ll see a sister that loves her. She’ll see a sister who’s sorry. And… and she’ll be smiling down at you all the same.” There was not a sound in the room for several minutes. Neither pony moved a muscle as what had been said resonated over and over again. The words had left her mouth almost subconsciously; Applejack had barely even known what she was saying. That was when she felt the first hot tear trickle onto her hoof. It was joined by another, and another, all fresh. Rarity twitched in Applejack’s grasp. Her lip trembled. And then, without warning, Rarity tore herself away and spun around with her forelegs spread wide, enveloping Applejack in a hug of her own. She cried anew, squeezing Applejack so tight that it hurt. Applejack began to cry right along with her, hugging Rarity back like she was never going to let go. “Oh, Applejack…I-I love her so much!” Rarity bawled into her shoulder. The orange mare smiled through her tears, running a hoof through Rarity’s sweat-soaked mane. “She knows, Rarity. She knows.”