//------------------------------// // A lesson learned by the skin of something else's teeth. // Story: Mark of the Wyld // by DarkParable //------------------------------// Ahem, I do believe I'm free to continue telling this tale now, after all not every day you get something such as myself willing to share about the biggest events in their unlife, now is it? In any case I suggest you all hold onto your various posteriors because I'm not really stopping or cleaning up the train wreck that's coming. If you want that done call FEMA, because it's sure as hell not my problem any more... Even though that scar still itches like a mother-bucker. Ever sit and have a conversation with an inanimate object? I've done it plenty of times really, mostly because I was bored and maybe slightly insane before all this stuph (yes stuph as in stuff said stupidly) happened and what not. To be honest I don't really care any longer, I just enjoy the thought every now and again that I might be locked up in a rubber room gurgling blissfully about how my not so vorpal axe goes snicker-snack through the spines of ponies... I'm getting off track again it seems... Talking to things that don't talk back, if you've done it then you likely know theres a certain comfort to be found in the silence that greets your words. A non judgemental silence that just sort of takes what you have to say, pats you on the head, and goes about being silent. When that inanimate object just so happens to be a sentient and bloodthirsty ancient axe by the name of Pravus that's somehow been soulbound to you... Well theres not so much silence involved in the conversations with that particular object, at least for you... Or me in this case... COnfused yet? Me too... moving on! Hey, that squirrel there gave you a funny look... Go kill it dead! "Uhh... Wait a second how can you see anything, you're an axe, that kind of implies not having eyes ya know? Oh, and another thing... It's a squirrel, they look at everything that isn't a nut like it's funny." That's right, I was arguing with an axe that was speaking in my head... Or my lack of a soul... or something... Either way I heard it, so hush you. Aww come on, find enough of em and you can make a new pair of underwear or something... Can't tell me there isn't one hell of a draft on your nethers oh weilder mine. "Umm, yes actually I can. Fur's good for that at least, besides not like I feel the cold anyways considering I'm one frosty bitch in a very literal sense of the words... Now hush up, even if you do sound like Morgan Freeman you're getting on my nerves... I'll feed ya the next pony we come across or something." At the time I was just hoping that the universe didn't decide to say "fuck you Rune" and have Fluttershy land right in front of me somehow... It didn't so I was happy about that. I wouldn't hurt HER... Rainbow maybe, depends on how annoying she could be in person really. Gah, side tracked, you missed the really awesome thing I did there, no I'm not going back and telling it again, I do need to keep this story moving along ya know. Not like I've got all... Well not like YOU'VE got all eternity for it. After shutting Pravus up with the promise of some fresh sanguine paint for it's blade later I got back to what I was doing. Walking back to Colt's Breath. To be honest I kind of didn't want to. I just wanted to let the town rot and fester like some kind of really big town shaped moldy spot, but after a bit of thought I came to realise something... I was in Equestria, as a Death Knight. I'd been told to spread the world of Elune to the masses in any way I saw fit. Well ya know what, the way I see it, she'd fucked up a bit. Should sent a druid for that, I was gonna do what my kind did best... Spread the scourge instead and laugh my head off while doing it. Thing is, kinda can't really do much like that without some kind of army and a decent amount of plagued ground. Oh well, I had the makings of an army waiting back in the village I'd slaughtered, and I could easily just start killing the land off and letting the taint of undeath seep into it. Now let me get one thing straight with you all here, I am not evil per say. I've never gone out of my way to cause undue suffering, save for that first little bit of butchering I did in Colt's Breath, at least I don't think I caused any that was undue in this magical land of peace, love, and immahugthefuckoutayoubecauseIcan-ness... Yes that's a word now. Besides, as previously stated, I was a death knight now... I'm simply following my nature, nothing evil about that at all really. I was always kind of a go with the flow sort of guy anyways, so no reason not to be a go with the flow undead she-wolf with a talking axe now is there? Funny how rambling my thoughts get when I walk through the woods really, because that's almost verbatim what went through my head on the way back to down. What went though it that is right up until I tripped over something rather ornery... Well a lot of somethings ornery. Somethings ornery with rather large teeth and stripes... Fuck badgers man, just fuck em, especially when they're the size of your average dog and apparently intelligent enough to co-operate in taking down the worgen who accidently tripped over one of em... Or maybe they were just all hungry, fuck if I know. Tell ya what I do know though, and that you don't step on a badger, ever... Little fuckers are mean, and when theres a lot of em, and trust me when it comes to badgers five is a lot, there not much anyone can do... Including me and I went and slaughtered almost a whole den's worth of diamond dogs. Let me cut right to the case and just say this... Ow. After I tripped over that one badger and fell flat on my tits (not pleasant by the way) I found myself muzzle to muzzle with another one that wasted very little time in seeing what my face tasted like. Must be pretty damn good because he sure as hell wasn't letting go when he bit into me. His buddies decided to try out the rest of me and before I know it I was covered in biting, clawing, growling balls of black and white fur, that as I said, were the size of dogs. Again I want to reiterate something. Ow! I can honestly say I've had very few experiences come close to that in terms of both humiliation and pain, but those aren't important right now. What is important is the fact that I was shrieking and thrashing about like a toddler in Toys R Us being told no by their mom. Let me tell ya, doing that while things have their teeth and claws in you will fuck you up fast, but at the very least it chased the badgers off... Little fuckers decided I was too unnatural to eat I guess... Or I actually taste kind of bad. Wouldn't know honestly. Either way, when they did leave they took pieces with them and left me in a bleeding heap. From top to bottom I shall list what I was missing, so pay attention. Right side of my face right down to the bone, most of the flesh from my left shoulder and arm right down to the elbow, about half my right hand (some how not the fingers or bones though, thank goodness for that) about half my belly (I know how a sammich feels when ya bite into it now) and various pieces and parts from my legs. All of it just meat and tendon though, yay for being "in tact". Thing is though, my ass was going nowhere fast. Not to mention I felt like one gigantic ball of "Oh god make the pain stop!" and I hadn't really stopped screaming yet. Suffice it to say that there is no reason for me to go over just how badly I was fucked up any more, I think the picture s painted well enough... It was after an hour of this that I realised something... I couldn't feel jack shit any more and I'd yelled myself into loosing my voice completely, couldn't even squeak really. Embarrassing that, to tell the truth, at least I find it so. To be honest my initial reaction to finding that I both, A: couldn't feel any pain any more, and B: couldn't feel ANYTHING any more, was to promptly pass out a little... You know, just kinda shut off and not really be alive at all in the normal sense of the word. Never really all that fun, but I knew a guy who could do it on command so it made for a decent party trick if ya wanted an excuse to leave... I know at that moment I sure as hell wanted an excuse to leave the party called life. I think I kinda did for awhile to be dead honest with you all, because next time I work up I woke up as a bleeding ghostly apparition in the grave yard back in Colt's Breath with a rather large buxom woman standing over me dressed in nothing but ribbons... Sexy really, but I digress. "Everybody gets one." is all she had to say to me before she snapped her fingers and I found myself sitting flat on my ass in that same graveyard with Pravus across my lap... If I'm not mistake I think i just got respawned... What kinda fucked up place is Equestria if the Spirit Healers from WoW are both here and are quoting TF2?