//------------------------------// // Chapter 49: I'm a Squirrel! // Story: The Last Human // by Blackdragn18 //------------------------------// Yay Nightmare Night! This year I’m a squirrel. I lost a bet to Bob. I was going to ask Luna if she wanted to come but apparently she was celebrating in Ponyville for some reason. Doesn’t matter, as much as I love candy I’m not looking forward to being a squirrel this year, it’s gonna suck. That’s enough whining, get out there and look stupid. This is ridiculous. Hey, you knew the consequence for losing. I told you that you wouldn’t be able to fit 62 acorns in your mouth. Let’s just get the candy. I was right about this year sucking, most of the ponies in town just laughed at me. One of them was especially annoying so I threw him into a jar of spiders. The only consolation is that I got a lot of candy. Though Celestia did her usual thing of taking half of it. I confronted her about it once. She told me to consider it rent for living in the palace. Today is a special day! I don’t know what today is exactly, all I know is that it feels important. Time to consult the calendar. Let’s see, not a holiday, no parties or meetings, oh here it is. I guess its Spike’s birthday. I wonder if I should get him a gift. I don’t really feel like flying down there, plus I’m pretty tired, I could mail it to him. But then it wouldn’t get there for days, by then it might seem out of context. Screw it, I’m just gonna take a nap. I hate this, I had specifically not sent Spike a gift because I didn’t want to fly to Ponyville. But now I have to because some stupid dragon is terrorizing the city. When I get there that dragon is going to get it. I’m guessing this is putting a bit of a damper on Spike’s birthday party. Twilight and her friends watched as Spike stole the water tower to the city to store his hoard in. He was taller than any of the buildings in the town, probably 50 feet tall. To make it worse he had taken Rarity captive. Twilight didn’t see how this day could get worse. Then she heard a familiar roar. “Oh no.” Twilight turned to see Sean fly over them. He landed in a few feet in front of Spike. Spike turned to look at the new dragon. “What’s the meaning of this!?” Sean shouted at Spike. “The one rule I set was that dragons are to leave pony settlements alone.” All Spike did in response was roar at him and glare. Then he took his tale and smashed it into Sean, knocking him over and into a nearby mountain. Twilight cringed, this wasn’t going to end well for Spike unless she did something. “Ok whelp, I’ll give you thirty seconds to apologize and leave before I tear your head off.” Sean growled picking himself up. Again Spikes response was a roar before he picked up a house and threw it at him. The house hit him in the face. “That’s it!” Sean grabbed a boulder and chucked it at Spike like a baseball. Spike was able to clumsily dodge it. While he was distracted Sean ran up and punched him in the stomach, then he grabbed Spike by his head and threw him at the mountain. Spike got up and started to attack Sean, clumsily clawing at him. Sean ended up putting his hand on Spikes head and keeping him at arm’s length which left Spike flailing his arms at him while just out of reach. After a while Sean let go of Spike’s face and flew up which made Spike face plant onto the ground. He then put his foot on Spike’s head. Rarity could be heard screaming throughout this whole fight. “Now I’ll give you another chance, apologize and leave.” Sean said in a mocking tone. “I hate killing.” In one last attempt Spike pushed up with enough force to knock Sean off balance then threw him off making Sean fall over. Then he ran for the mountain and started to climb it. Twilight saw this as a chance to tell Sean who the dragon was. She sprinted over to him just as he was getting up. “I’m gonna kill him painfully!” Sean waved his fist. “He’ll wish he never crossed Nicol Bolas!” Wow, he really gets into his fictional persona when he’s a dragon. “Sean wait!” Sean turned his head to look at her. “What?” “That’s not just some random dragon, that’s Spike.” “No it’s not, Spike’s a tiny somewhat feminine baby dragon.” “Usually, but greed got a hold of him and made him that.” “Still not convinced.” Sean got up all the way easily out of ear shot. “What’s going on over there?” Twilight looked over to the mountain Spike was standing on. He was looking at his tail as Rarity yelled at him. Then he suddenly shrank into his old form and Rarity and Spike started to fall likely to their death. Luckily Rainbow and Fluttershy were able to catch them. Sean shrank down to normal and they ran up to see Spike and Rarity. “Well, I guess you were right Twilight. Anyway, I better head home now.” He ran off before Twilight could gloat. “Sean, wake up.” I felt someone shaking me. “What?” I opened my eyes and sure enough there was stupid Celestia looking at me. “What do you want? I’m trying to sleep. What time is it?” I looked outside to see it was barely light. “4 in the morning.” “Why would wake me up so early?” “Because today is the day the Apples sell their cider, I told Luna all about it, you need to get some before it sells out.” “I still don’t get why we don’t just make them hold a barrel for us. I mean you are their ruler.” “I don’t like to deprive others of the cider so I like to get it fairly.” “Still why 4 in the morning?” “Because Ponyville is becoming more populated and it’s a 45 minute flight even by dragon.” “Go get it yourself then.” I rolled over turning my back to her. “I’m tired.” “So that’s how we’re going to do this?” I felt the sheets yanked off the bed and my mattress rose into the air before smashing me into the ceiling a few times then rolling over and dropping me in front of her. “There, feeling awake?” “You suck.” “I’ll take that as a yes, now get going.” Wow, Celestia wasn’t kidding when she said this town is becoming more populated. The line stretches so far back it gets into the main town again. I wonder if any of the ponies I know are in line. Then I spotted Twilight and Rarity in the middle of the line. I turned normal and walked to them and got in line where they were. Progenitus jumped off my shoulder to stand next to us. He always enjoys these little trips. “Sup guys.” “Hello Sean.” For once Rarity was the first to greet me. “Hey! No cutting!” I heard a voice behind me yell. I spun around to see some random pony behind me glaring. I returned the glare then I picked him up by his head. “Do you have any idea who I am?” “I know who you are, doesn’t mean you can cut in line.” “If you know of me, you know what I do to ponies who annoy me.” I then changed my grip to hold him by his tail. Then spun him around like a nun chuck before throwing him all the way to Ponyville. “Sean!” Twilight and Rarity shouted at the same time. “What?” “You might have just killed that pony!” Twilight shouted. “I’m sure he’s fine. At worst I’m guessing a few broken ribs, maybe some legs.” “That was still cruel.” Rarity glared at me. “Whatever.” I crossed my arms. The next few minutes were pretty quiet. Until I heard Applejack say they were out for the day. Well that’s great, I was really hoping to get out of here. Looks like I’ll have to wait till tomorrow. “It’s a shame we didn’t get any cider today.” Spike sighed as we walked to Twilights house. Seems like Twilight and Rarity are over the whole pony incident. It helps that we saw him and all he had was a broken leg. “Yep. Oh well, we’ll just have to get there earlier tomorrow.” So the getting there earlier didn’t help. I guess a lot of ponies really want that cider, because by the time we got there the line was already really long. Well we’re further ahead than yesterday so maybe I can manage to get a barrel today. Well that may have been wishful thinking. It’s been several hours and the line is moving painfully slow. Spike had gotten out of line a while ago to play with Progenitus. They were still visible because Twilight had told Spike not to go too far. Looks like another day in Ponyville for me, I had finally gotten to the front but they didn’t have a whole barrel for me to take. That sucks. As interesting as this town is I don’t think I can stand being here much longer. Just when I thought Ponyville couldn’t get any weirder some weird ponies call Flim and Flam showed up with some weird machine. Then they broke into song and ran around talking about cider. Seriously, does this town just attract freaks? Then they talked to the Apples, they got all huffy at each other and now there is some contest to see who can make the most cider in a certain amount of time and winner gets the farm. Seems obvious who will win. One side has a high tech machine that made a barrel in a few seconds, while the other has four ponies kicking trees and running on a treadmill. Well I was right, the Apples are getting beat so bad it’s not even funny. Looks like I’ll be buying from Flim and Flam from now on. I was standing next to Spike near the hourglass that was timing them. After a while the situation got more interesting, Twilight and her friends joined in saying something cheesy about honorary family. Umm, shouldn’t we be helping too? Why would we? Because Applejack is Twilights friend. Not our problem. Let’s try this. If Twilight’s friend loses her home and has to leave because you didn’t help I doubt she’ll want anything to do with you. It’s fine, besides if we help where would the suspense be? How do you figure its fine? Look, They’re catching up, and if you look at the brothers they’re sweating. Ok, but we should intervene if they fall behind too much. Fine, if it will keep you from nagging me. Should we help now? No. Look at Flim and Flam’s stack! It’s at least twice as tall as the Apples’ and there’s only like two minutes left. Yes but they’re not going to win. How do you figure? Because, if you look they’re sucking up whole trees and now making their cider out of smashed apples and branches. Even if they win the contest they’ll lose customers if they sell those barrels. Then the Apples can just buy it off them. We’ll see, but if this ends with Twilight and her friends hating you don’t say I didn’t warn you. Fine. Now shut up. Well I was right, those brothers made more barrels but everyone hated them for serving them tree and smush slushy’s. Then the Apples got to laugh and keep their farm. Yet again happy ending. Does anything bad ever happen around here? Ha! I win. I guess I have to give you that one. Suck it! Anyway, I managed to get the barrel of cider I’ve been desperately trying to get. And I don’t care what Celestia has to say about it I told them to hold a barrel for her every year so I don’t have to deal with this ever again. Before I headed off I saw Applejack talking to Spike while he wrote a letter. My curiosity got the better of me and I walked over to them. “Hey guys, what are you doing over here?” “Howdy Sean, I was having Spike take a letter for the Princess.” “Let me see.” I took the letter and began to read it. Basically it was telling Celestia how Applejack learned nothing and was so smart. “This is kind of like mocking Celestia. You may as well just write. Dear Princess Celestia, I learned nothing I’m basically as smart as you, I could totally out do you in the wisdom department so take that sucker!” Finally! It feels good to be home. I won’t deny living in the palace may have spoiled me a little but it’s so much better than Ponyville. I was luging that barrel of cider around looking for Celestia until a guard told me they were in Luna’s room. Progenitus and I headed up to Luna’s room. I wonder what they’re doing in there. When I got to the door I put my head against the door to listen. “Ha take that!” That was Luna. “Not again.” I heard Celestia groan. What are they doing in there? I’m not sure if I want to know. Curse you curiosity! I opened the door to see Luna and Celestia sitting on the couch playing one of Luna’s video games. “Ha! I win again sister.” Luna raised her hooves into the air. “What are you guys doing?” I walked into the room. “Oh, Celestia was just losing to me again.” “I just need to practice more!” Celestia was shaking her controller. “Sorry sister, but I don’t think that any amount of practice will get you to my level.” “I’ll beat you someday.” Celestia finally acknowledged me. “Oh hi, I see you got the cider. What took you so long?” “There was a giant line and then some weird ponies showed up and challenged the Apple family to a contest of making cider so that took a long time, it was horrible.” “Well at least you managed to get it. Now let’s open it up.” Celestia used her magic to open the barrel and teleported some mugs into the room. Luna, Celestia, and I filled our cups and started to drink. Another drinking day, another day of no side effects. I had woken up in the throne room lying upside down on my throne. When I had gotten up I noticed Celestia and Luna were nowhere to be seen. I looked around the palace for a bit until I found them outside in the maze unconscious. I wonder why they’re out here. Oh well, I walked up to Celestia and kicked her in the ribs. “Hey, wake up you white blob!” All I got was a mumble but nothing else. Looks like I’ll have to pull out the big guns. I took a deep breath. “CELESTIA, LUNA! WAKE UP!” that got a reaction, they both screamed jumped up then grabbed their heads and fell over. “Do you have to do that every year?” Celestia managed to ask. “Yes, it’s the best part of getting drunk.” “Why aren’t you in pain?” Luna groaned. “Regeneration, it’s for more than just combat and stunts.” “I wish I had that.” “I bet you do. But you don’t. Well, when you manage to get up and out of this maze you should probably get some food.” I turned to walk away but first I spun around one last time. “TRY NOT TO TAKE TOO LONG YOU DRUNKARDS!” then I ran away. I was able to hear them scream and Celestia threaten to kill me.