The Royal Ponyville Orchestra

by Distaff Pope


Day 8

One week. It has been one week since the whole Ponyville ordeal started. In that time, I have upset the entire town, alienated a royal princess, lost a majority of my worldly possessions (although, in the defense of the pony that lost them, some of those possessions were later reclaimed), been subjugated to two of the worst parties in existence, had my cello and lungs burned to a crisp, and the auditions for the orchestra went exceptionally poorly, but I am getting ahead of myself there.

The day started… well, it started better than yesterday as I didn’t wake up to find myself in a hospital. Instead, I awoke in the midst of a violent coughing fit and spent my first twenty minutes of wakefulness struggling for breath. All in all, this was probably one of the better mornings I had in Ponyville as it didn’t start with me being abducted, waking up in a foreign environ, waking up with another pony in my bed (Although, that morning wasn’t too terrible after I got past my initial shock), or waking up to find the town had been taken over by Discord (The last one hadn’t happened yet, but I am sure it is only a matter of time).

After the fit subsided, I got to my hooves and moved over to my vanity, where I combed my hair and put on my bowtie and collar while planning out the day’s events. I didn’t have to be at the town hall for another two hours, so I could work on mending my relationship with Lyra and Bon Bon, or I could stay in my bedroom and sulk.

Ten minutes later, the sulking had lost its appeal. As much as I hated the idea of facing Lyra and Bon Bon and apologizing for my atrocious behavior the other night, I would have to mend that relationship sooner or later, and I might as well deal with it now. I let out a sigh and headed over to my to my neighbor’s house. I knocked on the door and heard somepony moving around.

“Oh hey,” Bon Bon said after opening the door, “What’s up?”

“I… I wanted to apologize to you and Lyra for my atrocious behavior last night. You know I am usually more reserved, but yesterday… Well, I am ashamed to admit it, but my temper got the best of me.” Again.

“Yeah, okay, come on in. Lyra is just practicing for the auditions today, she should be ready in a few minutes.”

“She is going to the auditions today?” I asked, genuinely surprised that she would want to help me after my foul behavior the other night.

“Mhmm…” Bon Bon said as I entered the house, “It’s not like Lyra to hold much of a grudge, and your rant did help get Lyra and I talking.”

“Oh,” I said, genuinely pleased at the news, “Did you reach any sort of consensus or conclusion?”

“Kind of,” Bon Bon said, laughing, “I mean, she knows that Vinyl and I think her human obsession is just a tad excessive at the moment, but she feels she is on the verge of a major breakthrough. So, she has agreed to focus more on her music and put the whole human thing on the back-burner for now. She will still do her research stuff from time to time, but it will no longer be her main priority”

“Wait, I am confused,” I said as I took a seat, “it sounds like she is doing everything we requested, so why did you only say ‘kind of.’”

“Well, she still wants to keep the Illustrious Order of Anthropologists as is, and she absolutely refuses to clean out the basement,” Bon Bon said.

“Pardon my ignorance, but what does her cleaning the basement have to do with her human obsession?”

“Oh, right, well Lyra has kind of made the basement her main research area and stuffed it with weird drawings, article clippings, and human shaped mannequins. Some of them are okay, but others were designed, by her, to reveal a humans muscular and skeletal structure. All of this is based on her research and drawings of course.”

“That doesn’t sound… too bad,” I said, trying to stay diplomatic.

“No, you don’t understand Tavi, some of the models look like they are cut open and you can see all of their insides and…” She shuttered, “And then there is the skull.”

“The skull?” I asked.

“Yeah, right on her desk. She says it is a genuine human skull and evidence of human involvement in Equestria. I think it is the skull of some unfortunate deformed pony. Either way it is incredibly morbid and I want it out of my house.”

If I had been drinking something, I would have done a spit-take, as it was, I had to struggle to contain my reaction. “I admit, that is a touch excessive, still… No, I can’t think of a reasonable defense of that, there is a skull in your home.”

“Thank you,” Bon Bon said, “Finally somepony agrees with me. Vinyl thinks it is harmless and doesn’t hurt anypony, and Twilight just got tight-lipped when I brought it up. I don’t really know anypony else well enough to tell them about the skull in my basement.”

I nodded my head, “Perfectly reasonable, mentioning that you have a skull stored in your house doesn’t make for the best conversation starter. Although I would have to imagine it is great at ending conversations.”

Bon Bon laughed at that, “Quite true, but anyways, I really should be fetching Lyra. She will want to know you are here.”

I wanted to protest and tell Bon Bon she could put off fetching Lyra so that I might apologize to her for as long as possible, but that didn’t really seem like the mature thing to do in this situation (Of course, a mature pony wouldn’t verbally eviscerate one of her friends).

Now seems like an appropriate time to comment on the… unique nature of their decor. The first thing that strikes you upon entering the door is the overwhelming pinkness of the place. The walls are one shade of pink, the carpet is a different shade of pink, and the drapes are yet another shade of pink. The only things that offset it are the green chairs in the middle of the living room, the rest of the place is like a giant pink ocean threatening to devour you.

Then, on closer inspection you begin to notice the oddities used to fill the space. Several framed candy wrappers adorn the walls, the bookshelf is filled with books on making candy, and the whole place smells like the insides of some terrible sugar factory. If I had to guess, I would say Bon Bon did a majority of the design work for the living room. However, the space was not… devoid of Lyra’s influence. A stack of books sat next to one of the chairs, with titles like “The Human Conspiracy” and “People: Not Just for Foal’s Anymore.” There were a few other human themed knickknacks, like a small wooden statue sitting on one of the bookshelves and a painting of a human woman smiling. Bon Bon did her best to make these items less… prevalent, but they were still very noticeable. The human statue, in particular, was particularly unnerving, and the longer I sat in silence, staring at it, the more it made my skin crawl. I was about to leave the room when Bon Bon and Lyra came downstairs.

“Hey Tavi!” Lyra said, bouncing down the stairs, “Glad to see you are up early.”

“I am always up early, Lyra, unless somepony abducted me in the middle of the night, then I suppose I tend to sleep in. Anyways, why are you being so cordial?”

“Uhh… I don’t follow? Why wouldn’t I be cordial? We are friends.” Lyra said.

“Because I… You… The other night, I said… Gah!” It was not my most elegant moment.

Thankfully, Bon Bon was better prepared to deal with Lyra’s incessant cheerfulness, “She thinks you should be mad at her because she yelled at you.”

“Ohhhhhhhh,” Lyra said, eyes going wide, “Yeah, I guess that would kind of make sense, but I am just not that upset with you.”

“Might I ask why?”

She scratched her head, “Well, I guess it is cause you don’t get mad at me like most other ponies do. They laugh at me for having any interest in humans, you yelled at me for taking that interest too far. You are still supportive and have my best interests at heart; they are just kind of… jerks. Does that make any sense?”

I nodded my head. It did make sense, although it was strangely sad. Lyra’s interests, while admittedly peculiar, didn’t actively hurt anypony, but she made it sound like her love of humans had cost her quite a few friendships. In her eyes, my basic tolerance and acceptance of her hobby translated into friendship. At least, that is my interpretation of her remarks; my guesses could be completely and totally incorrect, they often were.

“Well, I thank you for your understanding. While my rant was rather abrasive, I wasn’t mad at you, I just lost my temper after a series of long terrible days, and you were the closest pony around.”

She shrugged, “Okay, I mean… you did bring up a few points, and that got Bon Bon and I talking, and then after we finished talking… we made up.”

I didn’t want to ask about how they made up, my mind was already doing a lovely job filling me in on the particulars. The terrible sweaty particulars. “Then, thank you Lyra. I was really dreading coming here and having to apologize, and you made the experience far more pleasant than I expected.”

“Don’t worry about it Tavi, I do tend to get carried away with my interests and hobbies, and need someone to keep things from getting excessive. Besides, I can’t get upset with anything that led to Bon Bon and I having steaming hot make-up s—”

“No! No!” I said, interrupting her before she could finish that thought, “No need to explain, I am just glad that you aren’t upset with me.”

“Alright,” Lyra said, “Well, I will see you at the auditions then. Hope I get in.”

I laughed, “Considering that Ditzy got rid of most of the other ponies coming out to audition, I am sure you will. I don’t know if I will have enough ponies coming out to make a fully formed orchestra, but there will definitely be a spot in it for you. Although, I have to ask, do you play a lyre or a harp?”

Lyra nodded her head, “Yes.”

“No, I mean, which one do you play, I always get confused and keep mixing them up, so I was hoping you would settle the issue for me.” The fact that I couldn’t figure out what instrument she played had been bugging me for several days. Sometimes it looked like she was playing a harp and other days I was sure she was playing a lyre.

“Uhmm… I play both. I can play pretty any much string instrument like that.”

“Wait,” I said, “So you can play a cello then?”

Lyra shook her head, “No, not really, I should have clarified; I can play the string instruments that don’t have bows or other tools to play them. See, they are kind of odd to play with hooves and magic, so most ponies struggle with them, because the instruments were initially designed to be played with hands. I mean, the design doesn’t fit a pony, but it is perfect for a human and…”

My mind wandered off, I didn’t particularly feel like listening to another lecture about humans after I spent two hours designing a human character for Lyra’s game.

“But basically, I can play any instrument that was originally designed to be played with a person’s hands. I actually designed a magical hand for harp playing before even hearing about humans, I guess it is what made me so fascinated by them, and after I started thinking about it, I saw how our world would work so much better with hands than hooves.”

“Well,” I said after she finished speaking, “That actually sounds… interesting. I didn’t know that your interest in humans stemmed from the fact that you played your lyre by imagining a hand strumming the strings. In that light, your two interests actually coincide quite nicely.”

“Yeah,” Lyra said, scratching her head, “I probably wouldn’t have gotten interested in humans if my special talent wasn’t playing the lyre. Kind of weird how it all works out.”

“Anyways,” I said, hoping to end the conversation so I could finish prepping for the auditions, “I need to get home and make sure Vinyl is up so she can get ready for her role in today’s auditions. I look forward to seeing you there this afternoon.”

Lyra and Bon Bon nodded, “Anytime, Tavi.”

I got up and walked out of their house, quickly returning to my home where I was brought low by another one of my coughing fits as soon as I came through the door. And I had been doing so well during my conversation with Lyra, I thought as the fit finally subsided and I rolled over on my side. I heard hoofsteps coming from upstairs; my coughing must have woken Vinyl up.

“You all right, Tavi?” She asked as she came downstairs. Her eyes were still half shut, and she lacked she didn’t have her signature purple goggles anywhere on her.

“Yeah, I am fine,” I said, getting back up on my hooves, “I just had… I got up and you were still asleep so I decided to go apologize to Lyra and Bon Bon?”

“What happened?” She asked, a look of concern flashing through her eyes. A shame she had them covered up so often, they were really quite lovely and- No! Stop it Octavia. While Vinyl has many lovely features, there is really no need to comment on them or take time to specifically note them in your journal (However, it is apparently perfectly acceptable to write several lines chastising yourself for compliment her appearance).

“Oh, after you left, I lost my temper and yelled at Lyra. Thankfully, she is perfectly happy to live and let live. Her ability to forgive is rather astounding.”

Vinyl laughed, “No kidding, especially since you are… kind of mean when you lose your temper.”

I contorted my face into an expression of mock shock, “Why whatever are you saying Vinyl? I am always cordial and polite.”

“Wait,” Vinyl said, “Was that a joke? From you? I didn’t think you had a sense of humor. I mean, you are funny, just not… intentionally.”

“I will have you know,” I said, sitting down on the sofa, “That I can be quite comedic when the mood takes me, it is just that my jokes tend to be rather, well, dry.”

“Yeah, no, I noticed that,” she said, sitting next to me, “In fact, your jokes are so understated nopony ever notices them. ‘Cept for that one joke you told when you were hammered, that one was hilarious.”

“What joke?” I asked, not recalling any jokes I made during that night.

She laughed, “You mean you don’t remember? Well then, I am certainly not going to tell you now. You would probably find it raunchy and uncouth.”

Oh Celestia, how terrible was the joke? Could it… I mean, I didn’t really know any dirty jokes, and I found it unlikely that drunk me knew jokes that sober me didn’t. “I’ll have to take your word on that,” I said, trying to hide my embarrassment, “And many ponies find my jokes humorous.”

“Of course they do,” Vinyl said, nodding her head. She clearly didn’t believe me, but I didn’t much feel like arguing with her about how funny I could be. If she didn’t appreciate my sense of humor by now, I doubted arguing would convince her.

“Well,” I said, “What should we do before the auditions start? I don’t typically have this much free time, but my lack of interest makes practicing rather impossible actually.”

“Yeah, I know,” Vinyl said, “Before we do anything else, I am gonna make some coffee. Mornings and me do not get along well.”

I nodded, “Of course. While you do that, I will make some breakfast for us.”

Making breakfast was more of a chore than usual. Cereal didn’t seem appropriate, and everything else was far too difficult to make without asking Vinyl for magical assistance. I eventually decided to just get some muffins from the pantry. It wasn’t a particularly fancy breakfast, but it went well with the coffee and made for a decent start to the day (Although my day had already been going on for more than an hour at that point).

“Thanks for making breakfast,” Vinyl said as she took a bite out of one of the store-bought muffins I found.

“I know it’s not particularly fancy, but it is nearly impossible to make a complex meal without using magic. If I want a nice meal I go eat out.”

“Cooking is that difficult for you?” Vinyl asked, “I know I am not the best at it, but you make it sound physically painful.”

“What can I say?” I said, shrugging, “Cooking is that easy when you don’t have access to levitation magic.”

“Huh, that’s odd,” she said, tapping her chin, “Pinkie Pie and Bon Bon both make food for a living, maybe I can see if either of them will give you a few tips.”

“Please ask Bon Bon first,” I said, shuttering at the thought of spending an entire day listening to Pinkie give me baking tips. Knowing her she probably had some song she sang while cooking. While a perfectly lovely pony, I felt her company was best enjoyed in moderation. Extreme moderation.

“Yeah, alright,” she said, taking another bite of muffin, “Although Pinkie is better at making actual food… Bon Bon’s special talent is making candy.”

“But she still knows how to make an actual meal right? She doesn’t have Lyra do the cooking for her, right?”

“Oh no,” Vinyl said, “She can cook up a great meal, but she makes the best candy, and Pinkie’s cupcakes are to die for.”

“Well, if Bon Bon won’t help me, I will be more than happy to have Pinkie tutor me. I would just prefer a slightly more… balanced pony’s assistance.”

Vinyl nodded, “Say no more then. Now, I think we should be heading down to the town hall and get the auditions started.”

I let out a small laugh as I stood back up, “Why bother, nopony will show up, Ditzy saw to that last night.”

“Ehh,” Vinyl said, “Ponyville has a few decent musicians, off the top of my head, I can think of Lyra, Fiddlesticks, me, and Pinkie.”

“Then, assuming all of those ponies audition and are capable of playing in an actual orchestra,” Which I highly doubted, “We will have a grand total of five ponies. That is the saddest excuse for an orchestra I could possibly imagine.” Also, I dread finding out what type of instrument Pinkie plays, and as for Vinyl… I don’t think the Princess wants a DJ in her orchestra. Still, at this point I won’t discriminate based on lack of talent, training, or proper instrument. If a pony can play something and make it sound like music, then they have a spot in the Princess’s orchestra. May Celestia have mercy on me.

“But, I suppose you are right,” I said as I headed to the door, “We might as well get it over with.”

“Glad to hear it,” Vinyl said, “Now stay here while I get out your wheelchair.”

Oh right, she wanted to push me to the auditions as opposed to letting me walk myself there, because apparently she thought I was so infirm that I couldn’t walk the half mile to the town hall myself. “You do realize that I am more than capable of walking myself to the auditions, right Vinyl? While I do appreciate your concern, it is, in this instance, unnecessary.”

“Uhh… yeah, I am still going to push you there, and no, you can’t talk your way out of it.”

“But I am fine,” I said, protesting.

“Octavia, two nights ago, I had to carry you to the hospital because I thought you were about to die, and if it hadn’t been for me, you probably would have. So could you just humor me and let me push you to the auditions, because that is not an experience I have any intention of ever reliving.”

I sighed and nodded my head, “Alright, I… Thank you for saving my life, Vinyl. I didn’t think of how terrible that night must have been for you.”

“Thank you,” she said as she pulled a wheel chair out of her closet, “Now let’s get you to the auditions.”

I nodded and sat down in her chair, it wasn’t what I would have preferred, but if it made things easier for Vinyl, then I could swallow my pride. “I would like to apologize Vinyl, I had no idea my coughing fit was so traumatic for you. Would you care to talk about it?”

“Thank you, and it was,” Vinyl said as she pushed me out of the house and levitated me down the stairs, “And there isn’t much to talk about, a pony that I count as one of my best friends started wheezing and coughing and passed out right in front of me, and I was convinced she was going to die. So… yeah, not exactly pleasant.”

“Wait,” I said as we made our way out onto the street, “I am one of your best friends?”

“Of course!” She said, “I mean, yeah we have only known each other for a week and we kind of butt heads all the time, but you are one of the kindest, most honest ponies out there. Once somepony can get past your rather…”

“Abrasive,” I said, filling in for her.

“Uhh… yeah, okay, let’s go with abrasive. Once somepony can get past your rather abrasive exterior, that is.”

I nodded my head and we moved in silence for a little while, while I tried to get comfortable in my chair, “Who in Equestria designed this?” I asked, throwing my hooves up in resignation.

“Well,” Vinyl said, “According to Lyra, they are relics from human interactions with Equestria. They aren’t particularly comfortable for a pony, but a human can fit in a wheelchair perfectly.”

Damn it! My decaying mental state had finally reached where the most reasonable explanation for something required the existence of humans. I didn’t feel particularly insane, but I am often told that mad mares don’t. Still, I could ruminate on my possible loss of mental stability later; right now I had some (terrible) auditions to hold.

“Alright,” I said, raising a hoof into the air, “We are here, so let me get out so I can walk the last little distance.”

Vinyl started to protest, but I cut her off before she could say more than a very emphatic no, “Vinyl, I am just going to walk from the door to my seat, you promised you would let me do that at least.”

She sighed, “I know, I know, it is just that—”

I interrupted her again, “I understand Vinyl, but a quick walk won’t kill me. Besides, I must make a good first impression.”

“But you already know most of the ponies that came out to audition, the only one you don’t know is Fiddlesticks, and she…”

Vinyl trailed off, refusing to finish her thought. “Well, you’ll see soon enough.”

She brought the wheelchair to a halt, allowing me to launch myself out of the wheelchair and on to the ground. “Next time we do this, can you just levitate me around?” I said as I got back on my hooves.

I mumbled something about the wheelchair’s terrible design and failure to account for pony movement while Vinyl nodded, “Yeah, I think using my magic might be a little bit easier next time. If you don’t mind me picking you up, that is.”

“It is certainly preferable to throwing myself out of the wheelchair and landing face first on the ground.” I said as I dusted myself off and made sure my coat was absolutely flawless. Some ponies might not care about their appearance in a professional setting, but I am not them. I was representing Princess Luna, the monarch of the night, and while I was doing so I would be the best pony possible (Although I like to think that I strive to be the best pony possible at all times, I would not tolerate any lapse in decorum while representing the Princess).

Taking another deep breath to steady myself (and almost prompting another coughing fit), I poised myself with as much dignity as I could muster, opened the doors, and strode confidently into the town hall… to find it completely empty. That was legitimately disappointing, I thought as I sat down in front of the small stage that took up one end of the hall (Although the building was far too circular to be a hall).

“I’m so glad to see that my grand entrance wasn’t wasted,” I said as Vinyl sat next to me, “Will anypony be auditioning today or am I just going to stare at an empty stage for the four hours the auditions are scheduled for?”

“No,” Vinyl said, talking mostly to herself at this point, “I spoke with several ponies and they promised that they would come down and audition, they could be late or…”

She stood up, “There is a back room, most of the ponies are probably in there rehearsing, let me go check.”

I nodded my head and after she departed, I stared at the empty stage. In a few hours I would know exactly how hopeless my mission was and could begin making the necessary arrangements. If I was very fortunate, my failure would only be minor, and I would be allowed to move back to Canterlot in a few months to resume my normal life, if not, well, I could always try my hoof at performing for private engagements. They couldn’t all be as disastrous as my last one. Hopefully.

“Alright,” Vinyl said, appearing from backstage, “We have five ponies auditioning today, Lyra, Pinkie, Fiddlesticks, Twilight, and myself, in that order.” With that, she passed me a sheet of paper, with each pony’s name and instrument written on it.

I looked it over, “Okay, Lyra will be playing her lyre, Pinkie will be playing… That can’t be right, there are far too many instruments written here.’

“Yeah,” Vinyl said, “But she can play them all at once, and… well, you will see.”

“I will, and if she really can play all these instruments then we might be able to make a passable orchestra, non-traditional, but passable.”

Fiddlesticks, whoever she was, had written that she would be playing the fiddle before hastily crossing it out and writing violin above it. And Twilight… she was going to try her hoof at conducting. Hopefully she was half decent at it, because there was absolutely no chance of me saying no to one of the royal princesses.

Finally that brought me to… “Oh, Vinyl, I didn’t know you could play the bass,” I said, as I got down to her name, “I thought you mostly did techno stuff.”

“Well,” she said, laughing, “You can’t DJ without knowing how to drop the bass.”

I nodded, that was an odd term for playing a bass violin (or possibly guitar), but then, I had always thought of bassists as an odd sort, so it wasn’t too shocking.

“Then I look forward to seeing you play,” I said as she sat next to me, “Now, let’s start the auditions.”

Lyra was the first pony on stage, her lyre floating beside her as she bowed before me. “Hello,” I said, “Please state your name and what piece you will be playing today.”

“Uhmm… Tavi, it’s me, you literally just spoke with me a few hours ago. We live right next door.”

“I understand that,” I said, making a few marks on the paper in front of me, “But this is a formal audition, and that means there is a protocol that needs following, and that means you need to state your name and song.”

“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes, “Lyra Heartstrings, and I will be playing Celestia’s Reprise.” I arched an eyebrow, the piece was known to be rather difficult, and quite a few ponies had trouble with it, but to my surprise, the pony who I had come to think of as human-obsessed lunatic was also a marvelous musician. She played each note flawlessly and infused the piece with a lingering sadness, by the time she was finished, my eyes were watering up. I stomped my hooves on the ground in applause.

“Well done,” I said, working to keep my voice as even as possible, “You will hear from me in the next day or two with my decision.” It would be a resounding yes, but I couldn’t be seen playing favorites, that would be unprofessional (Although I didn’t really have enough ponies auditioning to be able to discriminate).

Lyra bowed again and walked off stage, and as the curtains moved aside I could see a familiar cream colored pony rushing up to embrace her. “Next pony,” Vinyl said as I made a few marks on Lyra’s sheet, briefly describing her exemplary performance for Luna’s later perusal.

As I finished making my notes, Pinkie came onto the stage, carrying more instruments than should be possible, I counted at least ten, and as she walked, cymbals clashed together and drums beat. This was going to be interesting. “State your name and what song you will be playing,” I said, unsure if she could even speak.

The pink earth pony smiled happily, “Gypsy Bard and Pinkie Pie, or wait, I mean Pinkie Pie and Gypsy Bard.” Before I could ask about the unfamiliar song, she had already launched into her rendition and I was forced to question my sanity for the umpteenth time that day. I suspect nopony (not even Pinkie Pie) will ever know how she managed to play so many instruments, but somehow she managed. Her back legs worked the drums and snares, her forelegs dealt with the piano, she managed to play an accordion by contracting her chest muscles, and… how was she playing three different wind instruments simultaneously? While I don’t know (and don’t want to know) how she made it work, it seemed I was finally having a stroke of good luck as I was reasonably confident I had acquired the only one-mare orchestra in all of Equestria. Perhaps I wasn’t completely doomed after all.

“Thank you, Pinkie, that was…” Physically impossible. “A wonderful rendition of the ‘Gypsy Bard’.” I had never actually heard the song before, but it sounded like she was technically competent, and that was good enough for me. I wrote a few notes about her performance, and decided to include an addendum asking Princess Luna to investigate how this pony could so casually break the laws of physics.

Pinkie Pie bowed before me and trotted off stage, cymbals clanging as she walked. “Well, that was… unexpected,” I said to nopony in particular. “Now, next up we have… Oh dear Celestia.”

The pony that was walking on to the stage could have been my country doppelganger. We had identical mane and tail cuts, identical facial features, and… yes, we shared the same cutie mark. However, her coat was a different color than mine. She had a blue mane with a yellow coat in contrast to my black and grey, and she wore a handkerchief where I normally wore my bowtie. Still, the whole thing was rather… unnerving. “You look just like…”

“Yep, looks like I found me a big city doppelganger.”

I continued to stare, my jaw getting lower and lower. Vinyl, on the other hoof, was doing her best not to burst out laughing.

“What’s the matter, why you lookin’ so petrified?”

“Well, I was wondering if you knew what doppelganger meant, but then your use of petrified helped clear that up, and also, and I don’t know if you have noticed this, but we look almost exactly alike.”

“Yep,” she said, “Reckon we got some kin somewhere down the line, which means you is kin to the Apples, which makes me wonder why I ain’t seen you at any o’ the reunions.”

“Well, it is probably because, as far as I know, I am completely unrelated to the Apples. My family hales from Manehattan and Trottingham.”

“Manehattan? You related to them Oranges then?”

“Uhmm yes, my mother’s father is an Orange.”

“That’s it,” she said, slapping her hooves together. Them Oranges is close kin to the Apples, they try to act all hoity-toity, but don’t let it fool ya, they come from the same place we do.”

Oh joy, it seems my family tree is absolutely littered with hicks, and I am sure once Fiddlesticks reports back to her clan I will be dragged over to their next reunion. I can hardly wait.

“Well then, Miss Fiddlesticks,” I said, desperately trying to get the interview back on track, “What song will you be playing for us today?”

“I’ll be playin’ ‘The Apple Family Hoedown,’ and you can just call me cousin.”

She launched into her piece, which sounded like any other hoedown to me, but perhaps my ears were… uncultured when it came to such things. Anyways, she played adequately, which meant I was bound to run into my rustic lookalike during future rehearsals, I was looking forward to it already.

“Thank you Miss Fiddlesticks,” she furrowed her brow as I refused to call her by a more familiar title, “We will contact you in the next day or so, and I look forward to working with you in the future.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it cuz, I am sure the two of us will be like two peas in a pod. Shoot, I reckon we’ll dun be inseparable soon enough,” she said, throwing her arms around me, while I worked very hard to not push her away.

“Did you hear that, Tavi?” Vinyl said, trying not to snicker as Fiddlesticks trotted away, you do have kin in the area. I bet the Apples will be just as thrilled as you are.”

“Oh, I highly doubt that,” I said, doing my best not to let my irritation infect my voice.

“Well anyways, you only have two more auditions to go through, and I got to say, I think the best is being saved for last.”

“I don’t know,” I said, signaling for the next musician to come out, “Pinkie Pie’s performance was rather impressive.”

“Yeah, well we’ll just see about that,” she said as Twilight Sparkle took the stage.

“So, Princess Sparkle, I see you are trying to audition for the conductor.”

She nodded, “Uh-huh, I was reading about what the conductor did in an orchestra, and since I am so good at keeping ponies organized, I figured I would be a shoe-in.”

“Well,” I said, “While I don’t doubt your enthusiasm, the conductor is usually an established musician, or has some musical ability. Do you have any musical ability?”

“Not in the traditional sense, but I have been reading tons of books about musical theory, and I figured since you are so short on actual musicians, you wouldn’t be able to spare anypony to conduct.”

Damn, she did have a point there. Our orchestra needed a conductor, and I couldn’t lose any of my actual musicians. I sighed, “Alright Twilight, I will expect to see you at our next rehearsal.”

“Wait!” She said, “Don’t you want to have me audition for the part.”

I nodded, “I do, but you can’t audition without an orchestra to conduct, so consider yourself hired for the first practice session. After that, we will see how things go.”

She nodded enthusiastically, “Thank you Tavi, I am going to go and start practicing right away. I promise I won’t disappoint you.”

Of course she wouldn’t, or at the very least, I wouldn’t say anything negative about her performance unless I wanted to risk the wrath of a royal princess. “So Vinyl, there is nopony left but you.”

“Great,” she said, “Let me go backstage and get my bass then.”

As she trotted off, I had a sudden premonition that this was bound to end in disaster. Still, I thought, the worst case scenario was that Vinyl butchers a bass guitar, and I have to listen to some truly unpleasant music. I couldn’t think of a way things could play out any worse. Silly me.

“Alright,” she said as she wheeled a giant speaker system out on stage, “Get ready for a show as DJ Pon3 drops her world famous bass cannon.”

My worst case scenario quickly began to revise itself. “Cause tonight we are partying classical style!” Oh yes, this was going to be so much worse than I expected.

I covered my ears as she hit the play button. The first thing I heard was a very loud high-pitched whine, at a quieter volume it might have sounded like somepony drawing a bow across the strings of a cello, but right now, it sounded more like the gates of Tartarus opening as the sound made my hair stand on end and the windows began to crack. Vinyl frantically pressed buttons as the notes climbed higher and the music got louder, before she gave up and threw herself to the ground and covered her ears. For a second, I wondered what prompted her to take cover like that. Then, I got my answer as, in Vinyl’s terminology, the bass dropped.

A loud boom emanated from her cannon, and as it approached, I could actually see the air distorting around it. Then, the blast hit me, and I found myself soaring through the air. I can only assume that it was at this point that my eardrums ruptured as I was no longer able to hear Vinyl’s bass cannon even though I could feel the ground vibrating beneath me. I looked up to find the walls rocking back and forth as shattered glass rained down around me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Vinyl desperately trying to turn her machine off, and after a few seconds, it seemed she succeeded as the walls stopped shaking.

She ran up to me and mouthed something, I stared at her for a few seconds, trying to understand what she had said before eventually shrugging, “I can’t hear you,” I said, “You will have to speak up.”

Vinyl sighed and started looking around for something to write with, before deciding it would be far more prudent to just carry me to the hospital, I finally brought my hooves out of my ears and noticed there was blood on them. In hindsight, I suppose I shouldn’t have been too surprised. If my eardrums were actually ruptured, then some bleeding would have been inevitable, but at that point, my brain was still in a state of shock, and my logical faculties were not doing their very best. In hindsight, I said some very silly things.

“Look,” I said, staring at my hooves, “My ears are bleeding, it’s probably… Oh Celestia, I think my brain has ruptured. I don’t want to die Vinyl, please don’t let me die.” It was not my most dignified moment, and I am ashamed to admit that I rambled on like this for some time as Vinyl carried me to the hospital. I am sure she was saying something to comfort me, but the only thing I could hear at the moment was the pounding of my heart. “Vinyl, I am floating away, I don’t want to go, especially not when the last sound I heard was your stupid awful bass cannon.”

Again, I am not proud of the things I said in my panicked and possibly concussed state, and I think I even declared my love for Vinyl at one point in my ravings. I feel I should point out that that particular claim was false.

Things got blurry after that, I remember being pushed to the hospital, being ushered in to the emergency room, being subjected to quite a few tests, and I think one of the unicorns cast a spell on me at some point. When I finally came back to myself, I was lying on a hospital bed, heart still pounding in my head, and Vinyl and Doctor Flatline were talking with each other. With my brain finally working somewhat properly, I reflected on my time in Ponyville, and reached a sort of conclusion. This town was going to throw every horrible thing imaginable at me, and I would endure it, because that is what I did. And somehow, during the string of terrible events that would almost certainly befall me, with the help of my friends, I would form an orchestra and get out of town as soon as Luna would allow me to.

While I meditated (Vinyl would say sulked), my hearing began to return to me. “So she will get her hearing back, right Doc?” Vinyl asked Doctor Flatline, although she sounded as if she was talking on the other side of Ponyville.

“With proper medical attention, she will be fine. I highly doubt there will be any substantial hearing loss.” Hearing loss. That would explain why it sounded like everyone was whispering, or more accurately, like they were talking while my head was shoved under the water.

I suddenly became aware of the fact that at some point during my… meditative trance, my ears had been bandaged. “And she was acting kind of weird afterwards too, like… acting really odd.”

Doctor Flatline nodded, “Yes, that is to be expected, she was in a pretty severe state of shock when you brought her in. It’s nothing life-threatening, just keep a close eye on her and don’t leave her alone for too long.”

“Cool, so she shouldn’t loopy like that forever? I mean, it is nice when she opens up a bit, but… that was a bit much.”

I groaned as I remembered all the things I said after the explosion. All the things I never ever intended to say. I blushed.

“Nope,” Doctor Flatline said, “I am guessing that by tomorrow she will be right as rain, although it might take a few days for her ears to heal completely.”

“You know,” I said, finally entering into the conversation, “I can actually hear you right now. You sound like I am floating at the bottom of a pool, but I can still hear you.”

“Hey Tavi,” Vinyl said, twirling around to face me, “I am so sorry about the bass cannon. Somehow, the thing got set on eleven, and I couldn’t turn it off before… well, the important thing is that you are okay.”

“It’s fine,” I said, doing my best to smile, “I always say it’s not a real audition until you have been attacked by a solid wave of noise.”

She lifted her goggles down to stare at me, “Really?”

“No.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured,” she said, “But I really am sorry about that. I stayed up all night creating a song just for your auditions, and then the bass cannon got stuck on max, and… I am so sorry, I just…”

“It’s okay,” I said, patting her on the back (How was I the one who was giving Vinyl comfort), “These things happen. It seems they happen to me with a very alarming frequency, but… I am learning to accept it, or at least deal with it.”

Vinyl nodded, “Horrible things do happen to you a lot. Did a gypsy curse you when you were a foal?”

“No, not to my knowledge… maybe.”

“Well, anyways, I am just glad that you are going to be okay. And hey, maybe tomorrow will be be—”

I cut her off, “Don’t! Don’t say tomorrow will be better. I have said that the last seven days, and if there is one thing I learned during my week in Ponyville it is that you never EVER say that tomorrow will be better. It just tempts fate, and leads to bad things happening, mostly, it leads to bad things happening to me.

“What should we say about tomorrow then? I mean, I don’t want to go out and tempt fate or whatever then,” she said as I began to settle into my hospital bed.

“Let’s just say that no matter what horrible, horrible things tomorrow will almost certainly bring, I will face it with good friends who will have my back no matter what happens. I will endure it, and maybe, with their help, I will be able to survive my time in Ponyville.”

Vinyl smiled, “That sounds good.” She rested her hoof on my shoulder, “Now get some rest, you need to be ready for whatever tomorrow will throw your way.”