Mind of a Princess

by AppleJared


It can't get worse.

After Celestia’s crude answer (I almost threw up), I knew this was nothing she nor anyone else could help me with. Pastries, cookies, and other fattening desserts clearly are the answer to my problems. At least, that’s what I’m going to tell myself tonight.

Between you and me, I make those stupid jokes when I’m hiding something. Years of introspection will do that to you. Covering up a problem that you know you may never solve. It kills me on the inside, almost as much as the pressure of being a princess does. The strange thing is, I haven’t had my first task as an official princess, and I’m already a basket case. I thought this kind of thing was supposed to happen when a mare got pregnant, not when something good happened to her! That made me laugh, because this entire ordeal has been anything but a good scenario.

I’ve had others stop me and say how jealous they are of me; how much they always dreamed about being a princess. The irony that this has been a living nightmare for me. Little fillies want their pictures taken with me, and I get FAN MAIL now. As if I needed more pressure in my life…

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I tried to work on some formulas today and I got nowhere. Everything just didn’t work out, nothing sounded good. I have these days every once in a blue moon, but they seem to happen more often. More often than not, they stem from me avoiding a problem; a problem which has got to be these wings. Don’t get me wrong, I actually like the wings, but with my horn it makes me a princess. I’m just not cut out for this. I got more fan mail today, and the amount grows larger every day. Most of them are stallions who want to court me (or just get lucky), but some of them are heartfelt, hoof-written letters from little fillies. These fillies have pictures of me in their room, much like I had of Star Swirl. It’s ironic; I have become my hero, and I hate it.

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Dear Diary,

Today marks the saddest day of my entire life. My father died today.

It was so sudden, we didn’t even have time to prepare for it. I got a message from Celestia via Spike saying that I needed to teleport to the Canterlot Hospital immediately. As soon as I got there, I saw Celestia herself waiting for me. She asked me to follow her, and I, of course, asked why. She said she didn’t have time to explain. As soon as I saw mom crying outside the room, I knew it couldn’t be good. I hadn’t seen Shining in a while, so I thought he had some military accident. Mom just fell onto me and bawled her eyes out. I didn’t know what to do.

I had a lot of trouble talking to him before he passed. His voice was so weak… so frail. As soon as words would get to my throat, tears would choke them. The whole time I was reminded of all the terrible things I had said about and to him while he was well. I wanted to apologize. I eventually got the words out and apologized, and he apologized for some of the things he did when I was younger. For the first time in my life, I felt close to my dad. He told me that he loved me, no matter what. He said, “Twilight, you’re my daughter, and no mistake you ever make will change that. I will always love you, even if I’m not here to remind you.”

I stayed in his arms for what seemed like an eternity, but then he kind of stiffened up. He said he needed a moment alone. As I went outside, mom went in with him. She also came out a few moments later. She then instructed me to say goodbye to dad. I went in, kissed him on the cheek and said, “I love you dad, and I forgive you.”

As I went through the door he stopped me and said, “Twilight, I’m so sorry; but when you make enough mistakes, you no longer fear death. Some battles must be fought on your own. I love you, honey.”

I heard the flatline before we left the hall.

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Dad’s service is tomorrow and I just… just can’t do this. Mom wants me to do his eulogy. I normally don’t have a problem speaking to a large mass of ponies, but this time it’s different. I have done so much wrong to my dad and I never had a chance to make it right. I… truly am the last pony that should do his eulogy. I simply don’t deserve to talk good things about my dad when I did the opposite when he was alive.

Speaking of being alive, I read something today. Trying to get a break from depression, I found a book and did my best to forget what has happened recently. “Anatomy of Alicorns” was a volume that I had found myself owning after my coronation. I never actually finished it, until today. The beginning of the book was drab and full of fluff that was common knowledge. The end, however, talked about the life span of an alicorn. I’d like to quote one paragraph of the book.

“An alicorn is a being that never ages past its prime. Alicorns will mature to approximately 27-30 years old, then aging will cease; many live to be thousands of years old. Alicorns are the sole species that possess a trait called ‘Life Quo’, which enables them to never die a natural death. Alicorns may fall ill, be injured, and even suffer pain, but their life will never be taken by an aging body. However, alicorns can still be murdered, and some choose suicide. Barring these violent means, an alicorn will live forever. It should be noted that no alicorn has ever lived past 20,000 years.”