Once more, I feel a sense of longing within me. For many years I have been alone. I desire companionship, but whenever I think of such things, I am only reminded of the suffering that comes at the end. Is the time I spend with loved ones or friends worth the suffering later? My long lifespan makes it difficult to connect with anypony.
I often think back to my mother. She told Luna and I early on that we would live for a long time. We did not understand then, of course. Mother also mentioned that we were the first to come as a pair. I still do not quite understand that statement even now, however. With time, as she has told us, we will come to understand everything, I am sure.
Mother said it was inadvisable to become close to the ponies of the world. Keep distance. We did not listen, of course... I believe she likely predicted it anyway, though let us be free. Did she use reverse psychology, as is typical of parents? It would not be unexpected. Somehow, though, I do think she wanted us to. Making a difference in the lives of our world is a wonderful experience, no matter how short the duration.
Am I making enough of a difference in this world? There are many times when I stop and look at Equestria to see the effect I have had. I have always promoted peace and harmony between everypony in the land. Even so, there are those that disrupt it, whom are dealt with swiftly. My reign has been considered a great privlege to be under. I would not know, of course, seeing as I am the ruler. Someday, however, I shall live amongst the populace anonymously, to see everything from their point of view. It would be an important exercise, but I am unsure how to go about such things.
Perhaps I honestly should consider connecting, getting close to ponies again... Something to give my life meaning. It will brighten my life for several years, even though the pain of losing them will last forever. It will give me some emotion, some feeling and tenderness. Something to make me realize that I am not simply an empty shell of a pony. At the very least, it will give me something to do.
I recently counted the number of entries I have made for my diaries. Over a hundred. Fairly soon I will need a new diary again. Despite that I hear that most ponies write in theirs several times a week, I find myself at a loss to do so. Most of the time, I can only think of something to write once, perhaps twice a year. My uneventful and repetitive life has very little interest to offer even myself.
Even so, I find myself continuing to write. I wonder how long I will be able to keep up in writing these diary entries? I imagine it will not be very long until I kick this habit just like the rest...