Yet Another Human in Equestria Story
By: Bardic Knowledge
Chapter 10: August 2-4, Over a Barrel
“Are you sure we all had to come?” asked Trixie. I glanced up from my book and across the train car, adjusting my new glasses slightly. My contacts had finally failed me and I was forced to wear glasses again. Thankfully, though, they were enchanted to darken in bright light, like what that one brand back home was supposed to do.
“Not really, but Applejack insisted, and she's probably one of the most stubborn people I know,” I smirked. “I'd tell you to ask Twilight about the Applebucking Season Incident, but it hasn't happened yet.”
“Applebucking Season Incident?” asked Twilight from above me.
“Spoilers. Like I said, it hasn't happened yet, so I can't tell you anything about it.” Twilight harrumphed and I heard her turn a page in her own book.
The rear door of the train car opened and Rarity came trotting in, grumbling to herself about Bloomberg and the tree's special privileges.
“What I don't get,” I interrupted, “is why Bloomberg is laying down. Wouldn't that be unhealthy for a tree?”
“Not really,” answered Applejack, following Rarity in. “It can't stay that way for long, but since this trip is only gonna take one day, it ain't gonna be a problem.”
“Well, you're the tree farmer.” I turned back to my book, which happened to be on Earth Pony magic. Apparently, it not only helped increase their strength and endurance, but also tended to bring out the subtle flavours and properties in food and herbs they grow or cook, which is why most celebrity cooks in Equestria tend to be Earth Ponies.
Amusingly, one of the named ponies was “Good Eats,” which was the name of a show I enjoyed back home. I figured he was either the ponified from of Alton Brown, the show's host, or it was just a coincidence. If I ever got the chance, I'd look him up.
We spent the majority of the trip either reading or in idle conversation. Spike had provided us with some travel food, including trail mix and popcorn and similar snacks. Eventually, the sun set, and I smiled softly as I anticipated the infamous Fluttertree meme/scene.
Rarity left for a moment to get her mud mask and cucumbers ready for her unintentional Ysma impression. At least it would be simple for me to not pull a Kronk reaction when it happens. After she came back and lay down, the conversations turned into whispers. Temporarily, anyways.
“Do you guys mind?” asked Spike, glaring out from under his covers. “I was up early fire-roasting those snack you're all eating and I'm pooped!”
“Speaking of,” Dash said, “some of these popcorn kernels didn't get popped.”
“If they're been heated already and haven't popped, then they aren't going to with a second application of heat,” I pointed out. “I once melted holes into a plastic bowl trying to pop the unpopped.” That was also back during this one week I ate almost nothing but popcorn because that's what I craved at the time.
“Oh.”
“If that's all,” Spike growled. “Good night!” And he dove back under his covers.
“Uh, maybe it's time we all got a little shut-eye,” said Twilight. “We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.” And with that, she reached for the lantern by her bed and turned out the light.
“And now I can't see my book,” I grumbled. There was a brief flash of light from the bed above me and a small orb of soft pink light appeared over my shoulder. “Thanks, Trix.”
“Not a problem. You're the only one who can see it, by the way. Good night.”
“'Night.” Hmm, since I would be asleep in the morning, I wonder how the buffalo attack would progress with Trixie here?
A few moments after lights out, Rainbow Dash started talking.
“Psst. Pinkie Pie. You asleep yet?”
“No, are you asleep yet?” Ah, the one question you can never truthfully answer “yes” to.
“If I was sleeping, how could I have asked you if you were asleep?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dash poke her head out from her bunk, a lit candle in hoof. Pinkie soon joined her.
“Oh yeah!” Pinkie giggled.
“When we get to Appleloosa do you think we'll have to carry that heavy tree all the way from the train to the orchard?” Between Twilight's telekinesis and Applejack's raw strength, I'd say no.
“What tree?” Here it is! “You mean Bloomberg?”
“No. Fluttershy.”
“Fluttershy's not a tree, silly.”
“What's going on?” asked Twilight, poking her head into the candle light.
“Rainbow Dash thinks Fluttershy's a tree!”
“I do not think she's a tree!” Dash hissed. “I was just-”
“Did you say she was a tree?” My smirk grew, invisible to them.
“No. Well... Yes... But not exactly-”
“You know she's not a tree, right?” “She's not a tree, Dashie!”
Fluttershy popped in, and I mouthed the words with her, “I'd like to be a tree.”
“And so a meme was born,” I said, startling them.
“Joe?!”
“OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE!” shouted Spike, before dragging his blanket and pillow out the back door.
“I wonder if that was a 'Pete's Dragon' reference,” I muttered, as Twilight looked after her assistant. Thinking about it, I realized it wasn't likely, as the phrase had been around far longer than “Pete's Dragon,” and was likely derived from Simon Peter's name.
“Well that was kind of huffy,” Twilight grumbled.
“Huffy the magic dragon!” joked Fluttershy. I hummed a couple bars of “Puff the Magic Dragon” (he lived by the sea) as the others giggled.
Rarity moved in the light of the illusive sphere by my head as she grumbled, “Would you all be QUIET!” Her head popped into the light of the candle as she shouted “NOOOOOOW!” I saw the image of Yzma and Kronk and then had an odd thought: what good is a mud mask for a pony's skin if its covered by fur?
As I mused on this, the others flinched and blew out the candle, ducking back into their beds. I smiled and went back to my book. Maybe I could try some of these recipes when I got back to Ponyville...
I just about finished with the book when I fell asleep, only to be rudely awakened when Trixie fell on me only two hours later. I forgave her, of course, since it wasn't her fault I landed in the aisle before she did. It still hurt, though.
“Trix... My back...” I groaned. She flicked her tail out of my face as she got up, and I rolled over to get to my feet, my spine crackling the whole way. The train car rocked again as I plucked the sleepies out of my eyelashes.
Everypony gathered to the window and glanced out, Twilight announcing the buffalo herd outside.
“I just love their accessories,” Rarity cooed.
“They're getting awfully close to the train...” Twilight murmured.
“Everyone brace yourselves!” I announced, then followed my own advice and stretched out on the floor, my feet and back holding me in place. Trixie snapped to attention and tied the nearest bed sheet around herself and the next lantern over.
Just after, the buffalo slammed into the train car, tilting it dangerously. For guys who didn't want anything but Bloomberg, they sure were risking derailment and injury. As the Mane Six bounced off the floor and into the bed between Trixie and I, I heard another couple slams from the train cars in front of and behind us, presumably as other parts of the stampede slammed into the other train cars. They must be alternating the attack to keep any occupants off-balance. After a few slams, the Mane Six lay scattered about the floor, save for Pinkie, who was getting to her hooves on a bed. She glanced out the window and hopped over.
“Oh, looky! Now they're doing tricks!” She announced, as I released the pressure keeping me stuck in place, before running through the car towards the back, dropping a note on the floor as I went. As I slammed the door open on my way to the back of the train, I heard Pinkie cheer Little Strongheart on.
I double-timed it as I heard the slamming of hooves on the roof of the car, though they quickly out-paced me.
Why did the bed car have to be half-way up the train from the caboose?
I slammed open the door to the second-to-last car just in time to see hear a sharp whistle from Little Strongheart, calling on the stampede to rally around her and carry off the caboose. The ponies, other than Rainbow Dash, caught up to me, Trixie holding my note in her magic, just in time to hear Spike's cry for help.
“They've got Bloomberg!” cried Appljack.
“And Spike!” added Twilight.
“Wingshreds,” I cursed. “There goes my chance to attempt diplomacy with Chief Thunderhooves. I probably should've moved into the caboose last night.”
“Chief Thunderhooves?”
“Leader of the Buffalo Indians out here. They're having some issues with the Appleloosans, and I was hoping to mediate from that side of things.”
“So that's why your note had instructions on how a potential compromise for someone named 'Sheriff Silverstar?'” said Trixie, floating said note in front of me.
“Yep. Now they've got an advocate in the form of Rainbow Dash, but she's going to be pretty stubborn in their favour, and might not hear us when we try negotiations later.” I reached held up my hand for the note, only to see confusion in Trixie's eyes because it was missing.
“Well. That's interesting. And...” she said, looking around. “Pinkie Pie is missing.”
“Gotta say, she's a real go-getter.” I shivered. “Now, can we move away from the rushing air and back into the car?”
Applejack glared back down the track before sighing. “Joe's right. And we'll be in Appleloosa soon, so we'd best get ready.”
“I hope I can keep Braeburn from bullrushing us around town,” I sighed.
I couldn't.
I actually spent most of the whirlwind tour laying across the backs of everypony else. Thanks to being bipedal and their backs being at waist-high for me, it wasn't hard for me to be knocked over when they got shoved into me. Fortunately, they didn't care so much about that as they did about trying to get a word in edgewise to Braeburn. Screaming darkness he was annoyingly perky.
Applejack had finally gotten his attention at the Apple Orchard, “You have a very nice town and all, but we have a HUGE problem! Some of our friends are missing!”
“Spike was with the tree we were bringing, and Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went after him after the buffalo hijacked the train,” I explained.
“Buffalo?” he asked, then sighed, placing his hat on his chest. “Them buffalo, they want us settler ponies to take every single tree you see here off this land. They sure as hay don't want any new ones added in.”
“But why?” asked Fluttershy.
“Tradition,” I answered.
“Tradition?” echoed Braeburn. “We put a lot of hard work into this land, so we can feed our town, our families, our foals! And now they're sayin' all these trees have to go 'cause of some tradition?”
“Imagine, if you will, a different set of circumstances: you've been living out here for generations, taking good care of your trees as befits the traditions of your town, when this group of buffalo come out of nowhere and start cutting down your trees because it's the only place around they can stampede through.”
“I think I get your meaning, but these trees are our only source of food out here. And with this being the only land for miles capable of supportin' them, well...”
“Do you really need all the trees?”
“Joe!” cried Applejack. “You ain't suggestin' what I think yer suggestin' are ya? Askin' an Apple to cut down their trees...”
I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. “It's either that or a stampede through town. And while I'm sure the Appleloosans can defend themselves (though why apple pie is their weapon of choice no one knows), I'd rather we don't have to go through that.” Reminder: keep Pinkie from singing her sharing is caring song. “Which means I'd like to talk to whomever could be considered the leader of Appleloosa. I believe it's Sheriff Silverstar, but I don't know for sure.”
“You'd be right,” Braeburn replied. “Come on, let's get you to him.” He paused just as he started walking away. “By the way... What are you?” Trixie snickered as I rolled my eyes.
The talks with Sheriff Silverstar went alright, though he did have a degree of skepticism as to the validity of my claims. Regardless, I asked him to be on the lookout tomorrow for some members of the tribe to arrive, and that I was prepared to mediate negotiations between them.
I realized that I was massively departing from canon here, but I had decided in recent times that, to feel less like an outsider, I was going to treat events like I did with the aftermath of Trixie's “episode”: if I can make things better without ruining the core lesson, then I would do so.
Which meant that I had that night to come up with a way to teach Twilight a lesson in compromising for your friends while simultaneously mediating the dispute between the settlers and the buffalo. Sweet Heart of Darkness...
It was midnight when I had the epiphany, and I rushed out of my room at the Appleloosa Inn to Trixie's room just down the hall. I rapped out shave-and-a-haircut on the door and she opened it, looking somewhat blearily at me.
“I've got an idea that I need your help with,” I started in a whisper, ghosting into her room. “This whole Friendship Lesson business is primarily to help Twilight learn leadership skills, and this particular lesson is about understanding and compromise.”
“And you can't just tell her this?” she asked.
“Not if I actually want her to learn anything. My idea is that instead of me mediating between the town and the tribe, Twilight does it.”
“But how would we get her to do it?”
“Well, I don't know when exactly the buffalo delegation might arrive, so I would have to stay up all morning to meet them if that's the case. Plus I only got, like, two hours of sleep yesterday thanks to the buffalo attack. So...”
“So you start the meeting, obviously fatigued, then fall asleep in your chair.” She nodded, catching on. “Then I just have to insist that she carry on in your stead, as you're obviously unfit for anything requiring attention.”
“Ouch.” I smirked. “I don't think she'll be able to get by without some assistance, so I'll have some extremely simplified notes left for her.”
“Extremely simplified?”
“'The Buffalo Tribe is really strong,' 'apple pie is delicious,' 'Pinkie isn't allowed to sing,' and 'there's room enough for everyone.'”
“'Pinkie isn't allowed to sing?'” she quoted back at me.
“She tries to mediate the dispute herself with a song-and-dance number about sharing and caring that doesn't go over well. And by that, I mean it causes the buffalo to attack the town.”
“Ouch. And 'apple pie is delicious?'”
“For some reason, the settlers think that apple pie is an acceptable weapon to use on the buffalo, and when the stampede through town occurs, or will if I haven't changed the timeline well enough, Chief Thunderhooves gets a taste of the pie used to 'fell' him, giving him the idea for the compromise.”
“I see. So what do you intend to do to wait out the delegation if your notes are going to be so short?”
“Well, I figure I'll spend the rest of the night watching the stars. Celestia was right about how amazing they look with Luna back at the helm. Then, in the morning, I'll be kept busy waiting for the buffalo delegation to arrive.”
She thought things over. “You could have asked anypony, well, other than Twilight, to get Twilight to take care of things, so why me?”
“I figured you'd still be up, for one. For another, you're very charismatic and a good actor. AJ can't lie, Rarity's too much of a drama queen, Shy's, well, shy, and Pink 'n' Dash aren't here. Though, Pinkie's a blabbermouth and Dash is almost as bad as AJ.”
“It's a plan.” We shook on it, and I let her get to bed while I was true to my word and simply looked out at the stars.
The next morning, I stumbled out of my room, clutching a set of flash card-sized “notes” with one eye half-closed and the other a quarter-closed, glasses slightly askew across my nose. I purposely slurred my speech, sounding much more tired than I was. I've had days where I've been up twenty-four hours before, so I just had to act like I had been awake even longer. The tough part would be consciously falling asleep in the middle of negotiations.
Or so I thought.
We stood at the entrance to town, near eleven thirty, as Pinkie, Dash, and Spike walked up to Appleloosa, trailed by Little Strongheart, Chief Thunderhooves, and four buffalo braves that looked ready for battle if need be.
“Greetings, Chief Thunderhooves,” I said in a normal voice. Normally, I would have said it in as clear a voice as possible, but I was still going for sleepy.
“I heard tales of you from Rainbow Dash, Spike, and Pinkie Pie,” he rumbled, “you must be Joe McCord, yes?”
“I am indeed.” I swayed for a moment. “Sheriff?”
“I am Sheriff Silverstar, leader of this community,” said the cowpony. I don't precisely recall my thoughts at the time, but my sleeplessness was starting to catch up to me and I know they were getting silly.
“I and my party are here to mediate a bargain between your tribe and the town of Appleloosa.” Applejack quickly put a hoof over Braeburns mouth as he was about to be overly-enthusiastic again. “Please, follow us to the town hall, and we will begin.”
In the town hall, I smiled softly and nodded to myself as I saw the fresh baked apple pies lined up on a table off to the side of the conference room.
“The first part of any negotiations begins with a list of grievances by both parties,” I began, nodding on my bench seat. “We will begin with Chief Thunderhooves, as his people have been here longer.”
The chief snorted. “We have a long and winding stampeding trail that we have run upon for many generations. My father stampeded upon these grounds, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and-” and that's about when I fell asleep.
Apparently, it went on for a few more refrains of “and his father before him” before Little Strongheart managed to interrupt her dad and get things back on track. As soon as he wrapped up his speech with a point about being stuck until the trees are removed, they noticed I had fallen asleep.
Trixie thinks it was because my head hit the table.
It only took a couple of nudges before it was declared that I was out cold, with Trixie explaining that I had been up for over a day preparing, but that there was another who could continue negotiations. Twilight was shocked when Trixie passed her my “notes.” But, as I hoped, she rose to the occasion, with a little stumble in her words here and there. Pinkie almost got her song and dance going, but Twilight had just read the “don't let Pinkie sing” note and simply told her that this was a serious event and songs wouldn't help.
Yes, she was sure.
By the time I woke up, it was five in the afternoon, and I caught the tail-end of Twilight's compromise. “So in conclusion, as tribute for being allowed to keep their trees, the citizens of Appleloosa will provide an apple pie to each tribesbuffalo who wants one, as well as clearing a path through the orchard itself. Also, for as long as this treaty remains valid, any harm that befalls Appleloosa is to be considered harm against the Buffalo Tribe. Does everyone agree?”
There was a chorus of muffled “aye!”s, which sounded muffled from mouthfuls of pie, and then there was a scratching of a quill and a brief stamp that knocked the table into my head, making me sit up.
“And now-”
“Meeting's over, Joe,” Rainbow deadpanned. I adjusted my glasses and blinked, before looking at the paper with Chief Thunderhooves' hoofprint upon it.
“...So it is. Terribly sorry about that. I had a long morning.”
“It is quite alright, child,” rumbled Chief Thunderhooves (I don't think he can talk any other way), wiping pie off his muzzle. “Young Twilight Sparkle here performed admirably, and found a compromise we can all agree on.”
“Ah, excellent. Meeting adjourned?” I grabbed a slice of pie. It had cooled considerably, but that didn't matter. Apple Clan food is always delicious.
“Here, here!” Everyone cheered, before digging into the pies again.
Later that day, as the Appleloosans were passing out pies to the buffaloes now stampeding through the new orchard path, I overheard Twilight's new Friendship Lesson.
“Dear Princess Celestia,
Joe has taught me a valuable lesson today in the young town of Appleloosa. There was a conflict brewing between the indigenous tribe of buffalo and the settler ponies, but with careful planning, understanding, and compromise, the two have found the potential for friendship that could last several generations.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle”
“You've got to share,” I added, before Spike could send it off. “You've got to care.”
“Hey! That's what my song was going to say!” shouted Pinkie.
“True. But your showgirl routine wouldn't have been well received.”
Pinkie harrumphed and didn't talk to me for the train ride back, but that's okay. She forgave me as soon as I apologized.
Even though it's true.