//------------------------------// // Open This Immediatly! // Story: Open This Immediately! // by Kenneth Invictus //------------------------------// To: John Doe 555 5th Street Parts Unknown, TX, USA, Universe 616 From: Selection Committee, c/o Sergeant Candy Sprinkles 4th Wall Street Ponyville, Equestria, Universe 42 To Whom It May Concern: Greetings and Salutations, reader. We here at the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant (known in an unofficial sense as the Cult of Pinkamena) have sent this letter to you. If you are the intended recipient above, congratulations! You have, by Her Random Drawing, been selected to participate in the Red Cupcake Ceremony! Wait, how did you get this address? And my name? The Phone Book, silly. But I never signed up for any drawing! That's okay. Anyone in any universe considered of legal age (for this, we use any age your nation declares you to be an adult at) is automatically entered into the drawing. No purchase necessary. Fine, what is this "Cult of Pinkamena"? That's a very good question. The answer is simple. We a group with one goal in mind: The worship and fulfillment of the will of Pinkamena Diane Pie, She Who Bakes The Cupcakes, The Angel In Pink, The Prancing Chaos, The Bringer of the Party, The Neverending Enjoyment. It is a symbiotic relationship. We fulfill Her Will, and She Blesses us in a multitude of ways. It is hard to describe in this letter, but if you mail us Form T-3, we will send you more information on Her. Okay, so you said I was selected in a drawing? Yes. Due to Her Will, she selected your name from among the infinite amount of names inside her Hat. The fact you were selected is a great honor, for you will now be a part of the Ceremony. Within three to four days (Our time, considering we are not sure what measurement of time you are using, if any.), one of our many Representatives will come for you personally. (Considering which, they should have ID on them identifying them as one of us. If they do not, they may be not be from us.) Wait, you drew my name from a hat? Not a hat, the Hat. A white baking chef hat, within which lies the names of all who may take part. Anyways, so you said something about a Ceremony? Why yes, the Red Cupcake Ceremony. So, what is it? Well, you will be escorted from your residence to one of our very secure (and very private) facilities. At this point, in front of many of our witnesses, you will have the privilege of being surgically torn apart by one of our top High Priests. You may even be fortunate enough to be worked on by Pinkamena Herself. You will, of course, be awake for the entire procedure, with no medication for pain. We do this because A) It heightens the experience to hear your screams and various noises of suffereing. It's kind of hard to enjoy the Ceremony if your drugged out of your mind on morphine. (If you do not have morphine on your universe, please substitute pain neutralizer here.) B) It may interfere what how we use your remains, due to various chemical interactions, it may render them unfit, which violates one of the Promised Rules. Do note, we will try to keep you alive for as long as possible, so that we may preform the best possible Ceremony that we can, that we may please Her to our utmost ability. Wait, your going to do WHAT to me?!? Well, we can't tell you exactly what, for we do not know which High Priest will be in charge, which will give us a gist of what will happen during the Ceremony. For example, one of our High Priestess prefers using musical instruments, allowing the music she creates from her violin to synchronize with the screams of the participants. Of course, not everyone uses this method. And with Her, she changes her methods every time, allowing us to witness Her Infinite Creativity while she allows us to witness. As to what happens to you after, we here at the Cult of Pinkamena follow one of the Promised Rules: Use Everything You Can. Be Creative In How You Do So. So we will use your body for various things. Anything we think is edible will be turn into delicacies of the dessert variety. Many of us like to make cupcakes, based off of Her first Ceremony. Others, however, do like to make things up, such as flan, regular cake, brownies, and such. There was even a High Priest who could make sugar skulls, based off of his native Mexico. However, others like to show of our fashion making talents. Things that extrude from the main body, such as wings, horns, ect., may be cut off and used as accessories for things such as necklaces, earrings, and what have you. Dresses have been made from past participants (If you would like examples, please fill out form 25-D so that we may subscribe you to our catalogue, currently displaying our Winter Wrap-Up line.) Anything that may be used to help our members in time of need, such as livers, hearts, ect., may also be saved for emergency transplants. Remember, your contribution may be saving our lives! Are you all CRAZY?!?! We might have been at one time or another, but then She found us, for which we are forever grateful. However, I'm afraid that you can not be a Participant in the Red Cupcake Ceremony and an Initiate at the same time. Our apologizes. This must be some mistake! I can't die like this! If you believe this correspondence has reached you in error, please fill out form 19-B, attached with this letter, and please mail it back to us. We do try to ensure that Participants have actually had the benefit of being chosen by Her, and not the postal service of your local residence. I'm not going. You can't force me into this We can understand the trepidation you are probably feeling right now. Almost all Participants have their fears and worries. However, this does not excuse one from their duties. She has chosen you, and Her Will Be Done. All Representatives are combat trained, both mentally and physically, and trained in all styles of fighting styles, such as Shotokan, Rex Kwan Do, and Insult Swordfighting. As such, they are more than able to insure your willingness to participate. However, we do not like to use such measures, as they take time and treasure to enforce, and might damage you, which will require us to nurse you to full strength before we begin the Ceremony, which of course delays it. So would also like to use enticements to make it easier. For example, you may select some of we do with your remains if you willingly participate. Other benefits may be negotiated, such as family and friends present, or certain treats given to those of your choice. If you wish this, please fill out form B-16 and mail it back to us. But what if I have more questions? We here are always happy to answer any questions you may have. Please write them down, and mail it to us, or ask your incoming Representative. We look forward to your arrival, and thank you for supporting the Multiversal Church of Pinkamena Triumphant Her Will Be Done New Order P.S. For a donation of 30 bits, Equestrian, we will send you a copy of "The Life of Pinkamena", an autobiographic look at Her Who Bakes The Cupcakes, Her life, and her goals for the future. Form Q-13 displays the exchange rate