The Life and Times of Love and Harmony

by TheManWithTwoNames


Boy Troubles

Twilight Sparkle kicked her little legs wildly, happily heaving herself atop the couch, smiling up at her beloved babysitter. Cadence knew from weeks of exposure to the purple blob that only one of three things could come from the encounter: She was going to complain about her stomach, wipe her nose on the couch (a trick Cadence had taught her), or ask an endless series of questions that would continue until someone came to her rescue.

Whichever one it was, Cadence was not in the mood for the toddler today. Sure, it had been fun at first. Twilight sat in rapt attention for Cadence’s entire thesis about the unspoken language of makeup, that was something special. And when they picked through the parent’s dresser for nice outfits, Twilight was very happy to ‘play dress up!’ And she already seemed to understand quite well the concept of playing ‘hard to get,’ as the toddler often hid in the house, giggling over a picture book and running when Cadence came near. She even taught her about the birds and the bees, and their bloody, unending war with each other.

But some days, it almost seemed like not a single thing had sunk in. Cadence asked Twilight to practice putting on lipstick, but instead she drew a smeared tree on the sink. She tried to show the toddler the benefits of proper attractive composure, and all the kid did was reduce herself to a giggle fit, rolling around and making faces. And when Cadence quizzed Twilight on her makeup thesis, the child brightly replied:

“Matching colors are really pretty, and bright colors mean you’re really happy to spend time with boys! But if you’re TOO bright with the colors, then, then the boys will get all scared and hate you for being soooo pretty!”

Which... yes, that was a point Cadence had made. But there was so much more to it than that why did none of it sink in? Isn’t she supposed to be really smart?!

So, before even a single week of training had passed, Cadence was done. It was hard. And her motto was that if something was hard, it wasn’t worth doing. (Which, funnily enough, is the opposite of how she usually approached things.) Wanting a student was stupid anyway. She had only agreed to continue babysitting so she could get a chance to meet with that strapping young stallion. The one that was clearly too perfect to be actually related to the little purple snotball. Any minute now he would walk in the door, and she would finally seize her opportunity.

“Cadence,” Twilight Sparkle piped up, “do you think that I might be a princess like you one day?”

Cadence winced, having already forgotten Twilight was there. She wished it would have just been a runny nose.

“Uh... Maybe, kid.” Cadence shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

The child’s eyes lit up like fireworks. “Wow!”

And like the sunlight above shining down on the prisoners of a pit, Cadence had the briefest flicker of hope that an annoying child would be satisfied with asking only one question. That joy fell like a scoop of ice cream falling off a cone.

“Cadence, do you think that I may be even prettier than you one day?”

“Listen, you uppity little turd--”

The creaking of hinges immediately transformed Cadence’s veil of fire into an expression of bliss, anxiety, and unchecked teenage moodiness. A flick of her tail into Twilight’s snout sent the girl falling onto her back like a helpless, giggling turtle. That gave Cadence the time she needed to complete her most crucial task since arriving in Equestria: she was going to ask out a boy.

Each step she took to cross the living room to the front door brought a new surge of emotional flux.

Clip.

She just knew, knew, knew he would say yes, yes, yes!

Clop.

But what if he didn’t? What if he turned her down? What if he already has a marefriend?

Clip.

Her Shining Armor would never do that to her. They were clearly meant to be together forever. Clearly. She decided so.

Clop.

But of course he would have dozens of other admirers all competing for his attention. How dare they stand in her way? She’d destroy them all!

Clip.

Right after her perfect date with Shiny~!

The moment of truth had come. He was standing in the doorway in all his late-adolescent glory. A hunky white stallion, lean and straight in every limb. Night-blue mane molded into a perfectly precise bedhead. A solid declaration of protection emblazoned on his flank, the only perfect break from his alabaster glory.

He smiled warmly, and, for a moment, it looked as if Brother Love was going to return to Brother Death. Pink lips stretched into a toothy smile as she waited for him to talk first. She had planned everything out, he had to be the one to talk first. She couldn’t afford to sound desperate--even a single faux pas could spoil everything.

“Hi, Caden--”

“Hi, Shiny!!”

If the stallion had been taken back by the enthusiastic shout, he was polite enough not to show it. Perhaps he didn’t mind. Or maybe he was secretly thinking she was a super weirdo. Cadence hastily cleared her throat and tried again, this time going for a more sultry tone.

“Hiiiiiiieeeeeh, Shining...

Nailed it.

Puzzled... ADORABLY puzzled... Shining Armor politely nodded towards the pink alicorn.

He asked, “Can I, um, come in?”

Cadence maintained her calm, not-at-all-creepy smile while the brain cells onboard the S.S. Love Boat were in a full panic.

‘Oh my gosh is he hitting on me he’s totally hitting on me oh my gosh it wasn’t supposed to be happening like this I was too sultry that’s what went wrong’

A white hoof waved in front of her eyes. Her body acted on its own and waved politely back. Shining gave a small laugh and rolled his shoulders, causing the large bag strapped to his back to shift.

“Cadence,” he said, “I’d really like to come inside my house so I can put this stuff down.”

“That’s okay!” she squeaked. That was probably a normal thing to say.

“Um... You’re kind of standing in the doorway.”

She threw herself against the wall, staring, wide eyed and admonished at her Adonis. Shining Armor finally entered the house, maintaining eye contact for ten whole seconds before he looked away!

Whenever he looked over at her, she just made sure to keep smiling and laughing to let him know she was okay. Everything was A-okay. Everything was going great. No one was going to start smashing their own head into a wall in embarrassment even though they might really want to.

“Cadence, are you feeling alright?” Shining Armor asked. He set his bag down on the couch, and Twilight promptly pounced on it, probably looking for candy or cigs or whatever it was young foals liked. But right after that Shining Armor came over and pressed a hoof to her forehead eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

He looked at her with concern in his eyes. “You feel hot.”

“Thanks,” she hummed, “You too.”

The stallion gave a clearly amused and completely perfect chuckle and walked into the other room to check on his sister. Cadence gave a limp wave of her hoof, making sure her mouth was shut tight as she ground her teeth. She would find the hardest, most sturdiest wall in the castle and introduce it to her forehead. In the meantime, stamping on her own foot would suffice as penance for her terribly unfunny retorts.

‘Get it together, girl. It isn’t! This! Hard!’ Cadence’s eyes were closed, but believed she felt her hoof crack. ‘Oh I’m going to need a hooficure after this. No no no, focus! Just walk up to him, smile, and say--’

“Thanks for taking care of Twily, Cad--”

“Shining Armor will you go out with me?”

And then the world ended. Or rather, it may as well have.

Spirits possess a variety of senses that defy mortal comprehension. All of these noble beings can see into the nature of the world, and identify what actions or objects feed power into other spirits.

For example, dead things give Brother Death power. It’s a tough concept for mortals to wrap their heads around, I know, but it’s only one simple fact, so don’t worry if you don’t get it.

There are other, simpler things you can try to understand, though. Like how Brother Time is able to see how cosmic winds blowing from ten thousand years ago will affect your trip to the beach. And how I always know when someone is about to fart. You don’t need to tell me you’re impressed.

But perhaps the one that Brother Love possesses you could possibly relate to is the sense of when someone has created an uncomfortable moment for themselves in front of an object of desire. You really seem like the type to mess up in front of your crushes, is what I’m saying. I say it not as an insult, but as a fact. The sky should be green and you’re an awkward screwup. And I’m the narrator, so I have to be right.

Love’s special sense was ringing loud and clear. She said the thing, and there was no reprociation. No love wafted like sweet perfume from her alabaster stallion. All that was left for his humiliation to be complete was to open his eyes and let the scene play out.

Shining Armor blinked once, twice, his mouth open in a small ‘o’. The poor boy looked like he had forgotten how to talk. Shining’s silence was rapidly draining Cadence’s will to live. Until at last, sunlight broke through the storm clouds.

“Sure,” he said, “I’d love to.”

Cadence’s knees went weak. And then her mouth went soupy.

“When?” she demanded. “This Saturday?”

“Sounds great,” he said. “I’ll pick you up at your, uh, castle.” He watched as Cadence wordlessly inched toward the door. Something that demanded his attention tugged at his fetlocks and made him look down.

“Shiny, are you and Cadence getting married?”

“Um...”

He looked up at Love and smiled awkwardly. At it drove it all home. Drove it home, parked in the garage, burst through the door and cried about just how hard work was today, how about we wind down with a TV Dinner and some Real Housemares.

Shining Armor, despite saying yes to the most awkward proposal in the world, still did not radiate a single pink puff of love from his form.

This was a pity date.

Cadence let the door swing shut behind her, spread her wings wide, and shot off like a pink comet blazing through the sky toward Canterlot Castle. She circled the towers once before falling into a divebomb aimed directly at the balcony outside her room. An instant before impact she pitched her wings and changed direction, heading for a crash course with her bed. Her face met with a pillow and she held it tight to her face. Her ensuing squeals hit a frequency that caused every Diamond Dog within 200 miles to go deaf.

“Nothing good lasts forever.”

This is the single rule that the Spirit of Harmony lives by. Or it might as well be. Barely ten seconds into Cadence’s super-soaker pity-party, a pair of talons landed on the headboard, and a beak landed on the back of her head.

“Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?” Cadence sobbed, gently rubbed where the bird pecked her.

“That is what I was doing.” Philomena demonstrated again, receiving a swipe in her direction. “Now stop shouting before you wake up the whole castle. Please,” she added. “You’re usually exhausted after babysitting Twilight. You didn’t have another cookie eating competition with her, did you?”

No. Her mom hid the jar after last time. But shut up and listen!”

Sniffling loudly, she moaned, “I have the best news ever! I totally have a date on Saturday!”

Cadence screamed again and began rolling across her bed, squeezing her pillow in a death grip, smearing the blankets and sheets with black mascara.

Wings are not the most effective tools for blocking out noise, especially for someone who is not exactly sure where their ears are. Philomena winced, and called out, “And this is a bad thing?! Don’t you go on dates all the time?!”

Philomena opened her beak to protest and was knocked her from her perch by a flying pillow that pinned her down. “All those others don’t count because they weren’t with Shining Armor!”

An orange head poked out from under the pillow. “Isn’t that Twilight Sparkle’s brother?”

“No! It’s Twilight Sparkle’s handsome sexy roommate that isn’t related at all, because he’s perfect!” The reminder about how perfect Shining Armor was just made Cadence sob all over again. But with nothing to cling to and cry on, she was reduced to sniffing into her hooves. “You can’t even tell they’re related. I think Twilight might have been adopted, actually.”

“I thought you liked Twilight.” Philomena wiggled her way out and roosted on top of the pillow. “You said you were going to be a second teacher to her, didn’t you?”

“Huh? No, she’s dumb as hell. Shiny is more important now.”

Cadence sighed. The moment of peace lasted for less than a second before panic set in again and Cadence began digging through her closet to find something to wear.

But what in the world in one supposed to wear to a pity date? That was something that had never, in all her many years of living, had ever, ever, ever happened to someone like Cadence. It was something that happened to boorish ponies with no social skills. Ponies like Lumpy Moon Princess, wherever she was hiding in shame. Was she supposed to wear boring stupid clothes, like those boring stupid ponies? Maybe she should put on glasses, then remove them, to reveal that she was super hot?! Or was she supposed to turn up all sexy from the beginning? Just turn up and impress him into loving her? She was good at that. Impressing ponies. That and mind control.

She shook her head fiercly. No! If she mind controlled him... then he wouldn’t be special anymore!

So maybe she should go with impressing him? But, what if she put in her all, and then, in the end...

It might not even matter...

“No!” Cadence asserted to himself. “I am in my element. I am my element! I can do this! I can...”

Harmony watched her brother pick outfits with a renewed vigor, quietly thinking to herself. It came as a relief to Philomena to hear that the future savior of Equestria was not going to be following the example of a shameless, narcissistic hedonist. But without the need to worry about Twilight, it opened up the Spirit’s schedule to worry about her brother.

For the last month, Love had been acting stranger than usual. He would spend every night babysitting Twilight, while spending every day making sure that her parents would have a reason to be out of the house. He made trips to the castle library to find archived issues of Cosmarepolitan and Seventeen magazine. He would bring binoculars to hide in bushes by the local high school for ‘bird watching.’ He erased the memories of an older Cadence from everyone in Canterlot. He would cover every piece of paper handed to him with pink hearts around the initials S.A.

But most worrying of all was that since Love began to babysit for Twilight Sparkle, he had slept alone every night.

“Cadence? Brother?” Philomena approached cautiously. “Are you... nervous about this date?”

“Of course I’m nervous!” Cadence screamed, throwing a skirt over her shoulder into her growing reject pile. “Everything depends on this going right! Because if it doesn’t go right, then Shiny will think I’m a total loser and he won’t want to go out with me again! And then I could never show my face in public again and I would spend the rest of my life living alone in the woods eating bugs and dirt and stuff and going completely feral! Then one night I would wander back into civilization to steal out of trash cans and I would look through the window and see him and some skank eating dinner and then I would cry for the life I could have had and throw myself off a cliff! Because he’s the most amazing, handsome, perfect stallion I’ve ever met AND THAT IS WHY I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT THIS DATE.”

Philomena took a few seconds before the stun wore off. “Are you always nervous around him?”

“Yes! No? I don’t know! I get all scared and self-conscious, then I can never stop laughing around him, and I just feel... funny. Like after I’ve had three bottles of wine funny. Like all dizzy and confused, but it’s a good sort of dizzy...”

“Brother,” Harmony interrupted, “I think you’re in love.”

“Oh yeah?!” Cadence whipped around, fire in her eyes and rage in her belly. “No shit, Sister!”

“Brother,” Philomena asked in a hushed voice, “This is how you’ve made ponies feel for all these centuries, and you’re only just now feeling it?”

“What?!” Cadence squawked, “This horrible, sick, practically suicidal feeling is normal?!”

“Yes, Brother. This is what love feels like.”

Cadence gave an ungodly wail and fell onto her back, collapsing into a pile of half-composed outfits and broken dreams.

And she cried, “I’m a monster!